#21
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#22
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Hey Vexxed... I have a few things I'd like to point to, let me know what you think...
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![]() And another thing: Why do you want to be like this other guy? She already has one of him, she doesn't need another one. She doesn't want another one. If she did, she'd go and get one. It seems as though what she wants is YOU! There could be some qualities that you're not counting, some things you do that you don't even know you do that are attracting her. Quote:
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#23
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I don't want to be like him. I'd just rather have a more admirable career, and be able to deeply engage her in conversation. There would still be many differences between him and I.
Last edited by Vexxed; 02-20-2010 at 07:53 AM. |
#24
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I agree that comparisons can be beneficial if you use them with a positive spin but it sounds like you are letting it hurt your confidence. If you become inspired then that is great but comparison that puts you down or makes you feel inferior then you need to stop.
I apologize if others have said something similar I only read the first post. |
#25
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We can all play that game of "if I was more 'x'" and "If I become more 'y', then I will be more attractive to people". The fact is, that is only *one* aspect of attraction. And while it may open some doors for some people, it is not sufficient for creating and maintaining a genuine connection with someone. The trouble is that media and even these science books are trying to make us put more weight in these things than they actually hold in maintaining relationships. My current partner is a funny looking guy. He's a big old nerd, slightly shorter than me and doesn't really possess the regularly accepted traits that make someone "hot". He also doesn't have a heck of a lot of money at the moment and his job is kind of cool, but he's not saving the planet or swimming with killer whales with what he does. He also has a mile long list of women who want to either date him or at least get in his pants. He has NEVER had a problem finding partners. Mainly because he's a very direct, confident person who knows who he is, lives intentionally and really looks at the world and other people with wonder and joy. That's *really* attractive. If I were to only look at him in terms of a list of qualities that most people list off, he wouldn't pass. As it happens, I'm pretty head over heels for him and most of that has nothing to do with that list. In fact, that list is only as relevant as you choose to make it. That's something that can certainly be solved with practice. Last edited by Ceoli; 02-20-2010 at 12:11 PM. |
#26
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Well, I think like Ceoli pointed out in her post, a lot of this stuff is really superficial. I think your time would be better spent investigating what the real connection is between you. That's where the 'real' stuff lies. GS |
#27
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So, poly people are more intellectual, and are more likely to be attracted to a person's personality than their facial features, body, or resources. Yet, just because they are more likely to value someone's personality doesn't mean that the age old triggers for attraction don't play in. Pretty is as pretty does, but it sure opens some doors.
I flow with confidence at the poly functions. I've passed on dating other women in the group over the last 4 months. Looking at the group as an isolated pool of dating partners, I can say that I feel like I have the upper hand. I'm confident there. My job is not totally bland. It can be seen as a form of environmentalism/conservation. Last edited by Vexxed; 02-20-2010 at 04:18 PM. |
#28
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You're the one who brought up wanting to have a more admirable career. I'm simply saying it's only as relevant as you choose to make it. It seems you base a lot of the value of others on looks, career, etc... That's your CHOICE to do so and it's also your CHOICE to subject yourself to that criteria. If that's how you want to roll, then great. Just be prepared to never feel like quite enough with such a value system. Especially as you get older. Last edited by Ceoli; 02-20-2010 at 04:27 PM. |
#29
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I've earned 3 times the average American income in some years, and then now I'm earning below what is average. The two situations are worlds apart when it comes to me being considered by women that are totally single. Sure, married women still like me regardless of my income. So, I'm jaded, but life experiences have been clear evidence of real factors in mate selection. I know, the rules are changed in poly situatons, because I don't need to be a total package. I just don't like being less of a package and feeling like I just fill in a few cracks that are left over. |
#30
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As for your life experiences being clear about what the real factors are for mate selection: Well, I used to think that way. I spent a lot of time in my life thinking that I never met the criteria for what other people would consider attractive and that's why people weren't dating me. The fact was that I was creating that reality with how I was seeing things. When I changed that outlook, I strangely found myself surrounded by crazy sexy attractive people that have wanted to date me. I don't know what circles you run in, but most of the crazy sexy attractive people I know wouldn't give a rat's ass about how much money you make. The only thing they would find unattractive about that is how much of a rat's ass *you* seem to be giving about it. |
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self esteem, self worth, sharing |
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