PolyCureYes
New member
First off, I wanted to say that I've been reading these forums for about a week now, and I just wanted to express how profoundly grateful I am for them. So many of you are so wise, kind, thoughtful, and articulate in your responses to questions... it is a phenomenal thing to observe, and I have been doing a lot of thinking as I've read through them.
Background: I am a 38yr old hetero female, divorced about a year ago after a pretty long marriage (15 years). I identify as mono, but I've always had a pretty liberal view of relationships/sex and even polygamy and polyamory, despite not really being interested in it for myself.
About 4-5 weeks ago, I reached out to a guy from work who I knew from the get-go was poly (hereafter referred to as Prince), but I'd been crushing on HARD for about a year. He's 35, hetero, and has two other partners, one a nesting partner (whom I struggle not to see as his primary, despite his insistence that they are non-hierarchical) and one LDR who is about 8 hours away that he sees once every 6-12 weeks (and he is in fact seeing her this weekend).
I've known from the get-go that he's poly. He was totally open & transparent about that from the beginning. I have zero delusions of him ever being mono, so I'm not trying to be the much-derided Cowgirl or anything. I've done a lot of research on the MoreThanTwo website & on here, because I want to understand & be open-minded and okay with everything, and it is my nature to research & dig into anything I can get my hands on when I am learning something new.
First off, so much of what I read about a mono/poly match is pretty hopeless. Which makes me feel sad, because this guy is everything I've ever looked for in a partner-- he's attractive, smart, highly emotionally intelligent, very comfortable talking about feelings/emotions, etc.-- and, of course, he had to be poly, which is a tough mental adjustment for me, because (not to brag), but I am quite attractive and intelligent and successful, and I'm accustomed to men clamoring for my attention (I swear that's not a brag, it just feels somewhat relevant to my mindset). I don't feel particularly jealous, I just don't entirely understand it (which, from what I've read on these forums, tends to be par for the course for monos).
But there are a few specific questions I had and I'm curious about your collective wisdom on them, if you're willing/able to provide some insight:
1) Prince basically splits his time 50/50 between the nesting partner & I at present. I've met her twice, & the energy I get from her is tense/weird (she is also poly), like she's nervous/uncomfortable, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. Last time I saw her, she & Prince talked for like 30 minutes (while we were trying to spend time together) & she didn't make eye contact with me a single time. In Prince's ideal world, he'd get to spend time with both of us at the same time, but I am not crazy about that idea. For one, being around them feels like I'm a third wheel-- they have 6 years of shared memories/experiences/inside jokes, and I'm very new (to the relationship and to poly), & I just feel out of place. I expressed that to Prince, & he was understanding & backed off of that & kind of backpedaled on saying that that was his "ideal" and regardless, he just wants happy partners. But I am feeling disconcerted that I'm already not meeting his ideal-- like I'm already being the squeaky wheel because I expressed my preference that he & I build a more solid foundation before I have to watch him being affectionate with her and try to integrate that part of things. However, I'd like to try to get to know her better, since she is clearly important to Prince, & I'm hoping maybe then the nervous/anxious energy will dissipate somewhat. I have no real desire for KTP, but I'd like us to be mutually respectful & maybe someday actual friends. I invited her out for dinner in a few weeks (our schedules didn't line up until then), just she & I, but now I'm wondering if I haven't yet "earned the right" to even sit down and talk to her about what her comfort levels are on things and to try to show her that I'm not a threat, you know? I'm very empathetic & I hate to see anyone uncomfortable because of me. So, is this too forward of me? Am I trying to wedge in where I don't belong yet? I want to take care not to screw this up, but I have no idea how to handle it all & I have no one to talk to in real life about it. (I've talked to Prince a bit, but I am wary of making him the intermediary between us, & I don't think she'd answer me honestly/directly quite yet if I asked her about her honest take on things.)
2) Prince tells me that his nesting partner is acting so off she's just adjusting because "every new partner added is like an emotional tidal wave" & he divulged that his starting to see me & our getting close & intimate so quickly has kind of rocked her... I can empathize with that & honestly it makes me very sad for her (and for him) & it makes me feel like the only way I can "fix" it now is to walk away and leave them to how they were before. (They don't have veto power over each other's relationships.) However, Prince seems extremely opposed to me doing that & has been very vulnerable with me about how it would crush him if I walked away before really giving this a chance. He reiterated that this is something they do for each other (adjust, roll with the punches, etc.) because of this style of relationship, & they'll be fine again soon. But I am struggling to get past the guilt of affecting their relationship. Somewhat illogically, I now realize, I somehow believed that because they've been together for 6 years & poly the whole time with each having had several partners since then, that me seeing Prince would not be a big deal. But apparently it is, & it's affecting her, so it's affecting Prince, and I'm struggling with all of that and fighting the urge to run away. How do I make peace with this? Or do I not? Or should I just walk away?
3) I'm struggling with how to ask for everything I need because I am new & I feel I haven't "earned the right" to ask for anything yet. For example, I'm a big communicator (clearly, as you can see, by the length of my post). He's a PHENOMENAL communicator when we're together in person, but when we're not together (half of the week or more most times just because of the way our schedules line up), it's like I don't exist to him. I will write him a quick text to let him know I'm thinking about him, maybe once a day-- usually something romantic/sexy/flirty, which he tells me he absolutely loves that I do-- and if he responds at all, it's like a "thanks" & a smiley. He doesn't really play back, and it feels perfunctory. I hate that, for half of the week, it's like I barely even occur to him, & that part makes me feel very insecure. But then I've read on other poly websites that I shouldn't "ask for things that would be normal in a mono relationship but not in a poly one"... so I'm wondering, is asking for a quick text once a day just as a check-in/"I'm thinking of you" kind of thing... is that "too mono"?
4) I am already struggling with the shared attention a bit, I think. It's not so much jealousy as... I am not sure, maybe hurt pride?... again, I swear I'm not trying to brag, but I'm used to guys falling all over themselves to get my attention, & the fact that he isn't feels very frustrating to me. (He is very attentive when we are together, though.) I left a bad marriage with a promise to myself that I'd never allow myself to feel uncherished & unvalued ever again, but here I am, with someone who is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING & PHENOMENAL in person, but when we're not together, it's just... nonexistent. I have other interests to fill up my time-- for one, I have 50/50 custody of my young kids, I have friends and the gym and lots of interests... it's just that I was thinking the NRE would be more intense and all-consuming, & it kind of feels like a letdown (& I am sure I sound like a brat about it in this post). But I think my bigger fear is that it'll be downhill from here, so if I'm not feeling like my attention needs are being met NOW, when everything is supposed to be new and shiny and delirious, what happens in a few months, when things are settled? This is more rhetorical, I'm just kind of thinking out loud.
Anyway. I am trying pretty hard here & this is a lot of adjustment for me. I've always been a serial monogamist & rarely single, but after my divorce, I wanted to just work on myself and not do the entanglement thing, which is one of the reasons seeing Prince appealed to me. But now my emotions are deepening much more quickly than I'd bargained for, & we've already fallen for each other very quickly (we're already saying that we love each other) because we're INCREDIBLY compatible in every way. But the niggling doubts about what it is I want/need in a relationship, plus how my very existence puts a strain on his relationships, plus the fact that I already don't feel as valued/cherished/desired as I'm accustomed to feeling in a new relationship... I think I would have already left if he hadn't been SO vulnerable & said SUCH deep/passionate/loving things & spoken about his potential heartbreak if I were to decide preemptively that I didn't even want to try at this. So, I'm trying. But this is tough, & I'm wondering if it's worth it. It seems like a lot of emotional stress already, & this is supposed to be the "fun" part of a relationship. (I know no one can answer these questions for me, I'm just thinking out loud.)
I'm crazy about him. Like, totally head over heels with him. But goddamn, why did the person I've been looking for all my life have to be poly and come with so many complications and additional considerations?
Background: I am a 38yr old hetero female, divorced about a year ago after a pretty long marriage (15 years). I identify as mono, but I've always had a pretty liberal view of relationships/sex and even polygamy and polyamory, despite not really being interested in it for myself.
About 4-5 weeks ago, I reached out to a guy from work who I knew from the get-go was poly (hereafter referred to as Prince), but I'd been crushing on HARD for about a year. He's 35, hetero, and has two other partners, one a nesting partner (whom I struggle not to see as his primary, despite his insistence that they are non-hierarchical) and one LDR who is about 8 hours away that he sees once every 6-12 weeks (and he is in fact seeing her this weekend).
I've known from the get-go that he's poly. He was totally open & transparent about that from the beginning. I have zero delusions of him ever being mono, so I'm not trying to be the much-derided Cowgirl or anything. I've done a lot of research on the MoreThanTwo website & on here, because I want to understand & be open-minded and okay with everything, and it is my nature to research & dig into anything I can get my hands on when I am learning something new.
First off, so much of what I read about a mono/poly match is pretty hopeless. Which makes me feel sad, because this guy is everything I've ever looked for in a partner-- he's attractive, smart, highly emotionally intelligent, very comfortable talking about feelings/emotions, etc.-- and, of course, he had to be poly, which is a tough mental adjustment for me, because (not to brag), but I am quite attractive and intelligent and successful, and I'm accustomed to men clamoring for my attention (I swear that's not a brag, it just feels somewhat relevant to my mindset). I don't feel particularly jealous, I just don't entirely understand it (which, from what I've read on these forums, tends to be par for the course for monos).
But there are a few specific questions I had and I'm curious about your collective wisdom on them, if you're willing/able to provide some insight:
1) Prince basically splits his time 50/50 between the nesting partner & I at present. I've met her twice, & the energy I get from her is tense/weird (she is also poly), like she's nervous/uncomfortable, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. Last time I saw her, she & Prince talked for like 30 minutes (while we were trying to spend time together) & she didn't make eye contact with me a single time. In Prince's ideal world, he'd get to spend time with both of us at the same time, but I am not crazy about that idea. For one, being around them feels like I'm a third wheel-- they have 6 years of shared memories/experiences/inside jokes, and I'm very new (to the relationship and to poly), & I just feel out of place. I expressed that to Prince, & he was understanding & backed off of that & kind of backpedaled on saying that that was his "ideal" and regardless, he just wants happy partners. But I am feeling disconcerted that I'm already not meeting his ideal-- like I'm already being the squeaky wheel because I expressed my preference that he & I build a more solid foundation before I have to watch him being affectionate with her and try to integrate that part of things. However, I'd like to try to get to know her better, since she is clearly important to Prince, & I'm hoping maybe then the nervous/anxious energy will dissipate somewhat. I have no real desire for KTP, but I'd like us to be mutually respectful & maybe someday actual friends. I invited her out for dinner in a few weeks (our schedules didn't line up until then), just she & I, but now I'm wondering if I haven't yet "earned the right" to even sit down and talk to her about what her comfort levels are on things and to try to show her that I'm not a threat, you know? I'm very empathetic & I hate to see anyone uncomfortable because of me. So, is this too forward of me? Am I trying to wedge in where I don't belong yet? I want to take care not to screw this up, but I have no idea how to handle it all & I have no one to talk to in real life about it. (I've talked to Prince a bit, but I am wary of making him the intermediary between us, & I don't think she'd answer me honestly/directly quite yet if I asked her about her honest take on things.)
2) Prince tells me that his nesting partner is acting so off she's just adjusting because "every new partner added is like an emotional tidal wave" & he divulged that his starting to see me & our getting close & intimate so quickly has kind of rocked her... I can empathize with that & honestly it makes me very sad for her (and for him) & it makes me feel like the only way I can "fix" it now is to walk away and leave them to how they were before. (They don't have veto power over each other's relationships.) However, Prince seems extremely opposed to me doing that & has been very vulnerable with me about how it would crush him if I walked away before really giving this a chance. He reiterated that this is something they do for each other (adjust, roll with the punches, etc.) because of this style of relationship, & they'll be fine again soon. But I am struggling to get past the guilt of affecting their relationship. Somewhat illogically, I now realize, I somehow believed that because they've been together for 6 years & poly the whole time with each having had several partners since then, that me seeing Prince would not be a big deal. But apparently it is, & it's affecting her, so it's affecting Prince, and I'm struggling with all of that and fighting the urge to run away. How do I make peace with this? Or do I not? Or should I just walk away?
3) I'm struggling with how to ask for everything I need because I am new & I feel I haven't "earned the right" to ask for anything yet. For example, I'm a big communicator (clearly, as you can see, by the length of my post). He's a PHENOMENAL communicator when we're together in person, but when we're not together (half of the week or more most times just because of the way our schedules line up), it's like I don't exist to him. I will write him a quick text to let him know I'm thinking about him, maybe once a day-- usually something romantic/sexy/flirty, which he tells me he absolutely loves that I do-- and if he responds at all, it's like a "thanks" & a smiley. He doesn't really play back, and it feels perfunctory. I hate that, for half of the week, it's like I barely even occur to him, & that part makes me feel very insecure. But then I've read on other poly websites that I shouldn't "ask for things that would be normal in a mono relationship but not in a poly one"... so I'm wondering, is asking for a quick text once a day just as a check-in/"I'm thinking of you" kind of thing... is that "too mono"?
4) I am already struggling with the shared attention a bit, I think. It's not so much jealousy as... I am not sure, maybe hurt pride?... again, I swear I'm not trying to brag, but I'm used to guys falling all over themselves to get my attention, & the fact that he isn't feels very frustrating to me. (He is very attentive when we are together, though.) I left a bad marriage with a promise to myself that I'd never allow myself to feel uncherished & unvalued ever again, but here I am, with someone who is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING & PHENOMENAL in person, but when we're not together, it's just... nonexistent. I have other interests to fill up my time-- for one, I have 50/50 custody of my young kids, I have friends and the gym and lots of interests... it's just that I was thinking the NRE would be more intense and all-consuming, & it kind of feels like a letdown (& I am sure I sound like a brat about it in this post). But I think my bigger fear is that it'll be downhill from here, so if I'm not feeling like my attention needs are being met NOW, when everything is supposed to be new and shiny and delirious, what happens in a few months, when things are settled? This is more rhetorical, I'm just kind of thinking out loud.
Anyway. I am trying pretty hard here & this is a lot of adjustment for me. I've always been a serial monogamist & rarely single, but after my divorce, I wanted to just work on myself and not do the entanglement thing, which is one of the reasons seeing Prince appealed to me. But now my emotions are deepening much more quickly than I'd bargained for, & we've already fallen for each other very quickly (we're already saying that we love each other) because we're INCREDIBLY compatible in every way. But the niggling doubts about what it is I want/need in a relationship, plus how my very existence puts a strain on his relationships, plus the fact that I already don't feel as valued/cherished/desired as I'm accustomed to feeling in a new relationship... I think I would have already left if he hadn't been SO vulnerable & said SUCH deep/passionate/loving things & spoken about his potential heartbreak if I were to decide preemptively that I didn't even want to try at this. So, I'm trying. But this is tough, & I'm wondering if it's worth it. It seems like a lot of emotional stress already, & this is supposed to be the "fun" part of a relationship. (I know no one can answer these questions for me, I'm just thinking out loud.)
I'm crazy about him. Like, totally head over heels with him. But goddamn, why did the person I've been looking for all my life have to be poly and come with so many complications and additional considerations?