I am not sure I understand the original question because it was kind of spread out over several posts. So I'm trying to piece it together in a way I can understand. If I get it wrong, please correct me ok?
I've been wondering about what impact our emotions have on our logic for a while now.
What impact do you feel decisions made whilst being emotional have after you have dropped from the emotional high (or recovered from the emotional low)?
I understand this as
When you make decisions when in an emotional state? After you have come down from the emotional high or recovered from emotional low... what influence or impact does that decision have?
Short answer? It has the influence or impact I choose to let it have. Because I don't have to stick with a decision made under duress/while I was impaired. I can change my mind. I'm not locked into it.
Equivalently, how often are our logical processes hijacked in this manner when we are emotionally sober, if the logical process was started whilst emotionally heightened?
That's where I get confused with what you are asking. Are you talking about emotional flooding? Or maybe amygdala hijack? Or cognitive dissonance or cognitive distortions? All the above? Something else?
What you are after seemed to clear up a bit more for me when you summarized in post 18. But not entirely.
“I am not used to having my emotions sway me in this manner, but exploring polyamory has me flying emotionally all over the place and I was hoping others who have been through this before could help me make sense of this new aspect of myself.”
So you chose to explore polyamory and now you are experiencing way more stimulus and way more emotions.
Like... new to thing. "Wow. I didn't know polyamory was intense relating! Is this just at the start or is it always like this? "
Or like emotional flooding? "Wow. I am getting overwhelmed by emotions a lot. I need to find ways to cope with my emotional management."
Or something else?
Could you please be willing to clarify?
Imagine a decision or a fact that you would under normal circumstances only partially agree with, but may become more agreeable to if you were under the influence of drugs or alcohol or just a strong emotional state. If you verbalize your agreement whilst in that state, do you then tend to agree with it more even when you're out of that emotional state?
I avoid making decisions when in an emotional state if I can help it. Sometimes it cannot be helped – decisions have to be made quickly in a crisis sometimes or there is no time too think too deep. If I see a car coming with my kid in the street? I am yelling for my kid to get out of the way while racing to try to snatch them away.
I am REACTING emotionally to a perceived danger to my child. I am not RESPONDING -- thoughtfully weighing out pros and cons and the impact of my choices on others.
Anyone who has seriously thought whether they should stay or leave a long term relationship will know what I mean - one day you think "I can stay" and another day you think "I should leave" - nothing has changed from day to day, merely emotions swaying your thoughts one way or another.
To me? Feelings ensue after behavior. Either thinking behavior or action behavior.
In your break up example? To me, it is not emotions swaying my thoughts one way or the other. It's my thoughts swaying the emotions around. I have to get clear in my thoughts before new feelings can ensue. What has been changing from day to day is my thinking behavior.
If I am experiencing internal conflict and trying to decide whether or not to break up? And one day I am thinking “I should leave”? That is a thought that inspires a certain range of emotions. The next day I think “I should stay” and that inspires another set of emotions. If I keep on ping-ponging with making my ultimate decision, I will stay in the internal conflict emotional soup.
The solution to internal conflict is to finally decide something. Doesn't matter which choice. Let's say it is “I am going to break up.” There is initial relief. Because the mental ping-ponging part of it has stopped, and then the emotions are not being churned up. My thinking behavior has only one radio channel now, rather than competing thought channels giving mixed signals. But that is not the end of the story.
Next there is aligning my action behaviors to that decision. If in my thinking behavior, I decide I am breaking up with you? I do not go on a date with you or share sex with you. Breaking up means holding myself apart from you. Not engaging in more new activities with you. If my action behaviors do not align with my decision? I choose to go on more dates with you?
I plunge myself into a new emotional soup. Because now I have created a new competing channel. My thinking channel is saying “I am breaking up” but my action channel is saying “We are dating” and then my emotions get confusing mixed signals again. If this feels unpleasant to me and I want to be out of emotional soup? I have to align my thinking behaviors and my action behaviors.
I either change my mind about breaking up with you and decide to stay. In which case my action behaviors of going out on dates with you harmonizes rather than clashes. So hopefully in time I feel better.
Or I stick with my decision and align my action behaviors to the decision to break up. I stop participating in more dates with you so my thinking behavior and action behaviors line up that way. And in time I hopefully feel better.
I think that people tend to agree with something emotionally, then hunt around for logical reasons that prop up that belief.
Some people do that. My Alzheimer Dad does this. He jumps to a conclusion and then seeks evidence to "support" this. Or he uses emotional reasoning like "I feel attacked. That means you are attacking me!" and he rages at us. He justifies his actions like "I am defending myself!" when really if he attacks first he is the aggressor.
You can read about some cognitive distortions
here. You don't have to be a mental health patient to be doing wonky thinking. Some people have never been taught how to think about their own thinking process or do critical thinking. I know I do wonky thinking when I am having a panic attack. That's why I avoid making decisions when in an emotional state.
The practical impact of this would be:
a) to be aware that such bias exists in our cognitive thinking and to consciously attempt to compensate for it.
b) avoid voicing things out loud during times of heightened emotions so as to avoid compounding the bias (IE avoid arguments when angry, avoid major decisions whilst in NRE, avoid voicing life-changing statements whilst very happy or very sad).
c) Deliberately use this to engage in positive communication when feeling happy so as to bias topics with happy emotions. That way, when emotions return to normal, bias remains, but the bias is a positive bias.
I'm not sure how to help you make this list because I don't know what this list is
for.
Like... are you trying to make a list to help you make better choices? Become a better communicator? Do conflict resolution effectively? Cope with emotional flooding?
If this is about decision making...Me? I am ok with broad principles rather than a list. A long time ago my mom told me this:
- Some decisions are made with the heart. But be careful because “heart only” decisions can sometimes lead to self harming behavior because they lack logic. (Ex: “I know he gets drunk and hits me...but I loooooooove him!” kind of situations.)
- Some decisions are made with the head. But be careful because head only decisions sometimes lack compassion. (Ex: When people want to go by letter of the law in all situations rather the the spirit of the law and those it is most supposed to protect. In some states, a rapist can sue for visitation or custody of a child conceived during the assault. Now what?)
- But the best decisions are usually head and heart together. Try to use both together if possible.
That sounded like good advice at a the time and decades later I still use it. Maybe that helps you some. The amount of influence you want to let your emotions or your logic have on your decisions? It is up to you. And it depends on the situation at hand.
GL!
Galagirl