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Old 12-15-2013, 03:50 PM
vertiginoushigh vertiginoushigh is offline
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Question Is this the right environment for polyamory?

Hi there, I'm Charlotte and I'm completely new to polyamory. I am pretty young still so that's hardly surprising. I was in a monogamous relationship with somebody in the past who was extremely jealous and controlling and even sometimes abusive. When I finally cast off my shackles and kicked him out of my life, I discovered a lot of things about myself including the fact that I don't want a jealous or even monogamous relationship.

Now, a little while down the line I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man. We are both free to date outside the relationship but neither of us have very much so far because we've been so wrapped up in one another. The first time he strayed outside the relationship it was difficult for me, I did feel jealous, but I overcame it and now me and this other woman are close friends and they continue to see each other occasionally. I'm aware that what I'm in now is not a polyamorous relationship, I'm just providing background.

Recently I met a wonderful woman. I've had one girlfriend before but it wasn't a huge success. For me, this was the first time really falling in love with a woman. She's really smart, funny, sweet and beautiful. I really really love being around her. I told her straight away about my boyfriend and our situation, and told my boyfriend about her. He was completely happy for me to pursue a more intimate connection with this woman, but she was a little hesitant.

She's since told me that she has feelings for me, and twice invited me to her place for sex. Both times I've said no because I think she's misunderstanding my intentions. I definitely see this woman as more than a quick fuck. I really care for her and the more I get to know her the stronger I feel. I would really like to begin a polyamorous relationship between me, her and my boyfriend but because I care about them both so much I'm not sure how to approach it, or even if it's right for them. I want to get it right.

If feel like this would be a great thing for me. What do you think, polyamorous people? Am I ready? Should I try? Am I way off? Please be honest.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:19 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh View Post
I'm aware that what I'm in now is not a polyamorous relationship, I'm just providing background.
Why would you classify it as non-poly? Are the two of them not romantically or sexually involved anymore?

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Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh View Post
He was completely happy for me to pursue a more intimate connection with this woman, but she was a little hesitant.
One possible reason she may be a little hesitant about becoming involved with you is the concern that you only come as part of a package deal. Perhaps if you explain that she doesn't have to get together with your boyfriend just to be with you she'll be more receptive.

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Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh View Post
I would really like to begin a polyamorous relationship between me, her and my boyfriend but because I care about them both so much I'm not sure how to approach it, or even if it's right for them.
Do you have any reason to believe they're interested in each other?

Last edited by Emm; 12-15-2013 at 04:22 PM.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:32 PM
vertiginoushigh vertiginoushigh is offline
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Hi there, thank you for responding so quickly and helpfully. As to (1)

1) I personally wouldn't lass it as poly because there's no serious emotional attachment between them. I would just say that we're in an open relationship and she's the...ahem..."extra curricular" partner for him right now. Both of them have said to me, I believe honestly and in private, that although they like each other and enjoy their time together, there's nothing more there. If there was, however, I'd be completely happy and they both know it.

2) That is a really good point. I never thought of that. I will explain that to her.

3) No, I don't think they are. My boyfriend and this girl (are we allowed to use names?) get along really well and like each other as friends, but I don't think they'd be interested in having a sexual relationship with each other. I don't really know.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:43 PM
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You can use names if you want, but you only have a 12-hour window in which to rush back and edit your post if you change your mind or realise you've posted something a little too identifiable. Most people choose to use made-up names or initials. I prefer made-up names as initials tend to become difficult to follow after a while.

I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment with point #2 a few months after getting into my first poly relationship. My boyfriend was having terrible trouble finding another partner until he started making it clear that he was looking for himself alone. I'm not bi, so the idea that potential girlfriends might think they had to be involved with me to be involved with him took a while to sneak up on me.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:51 PM
vertiginoushigh vertiginoushigh is offline
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Yeah that makes sense about initials but unfortunately everybody in this story has the same one xD

Anyway, never mind. You seem to know what you're talking about when it comes to these things. I would really appreciate (and actually listen to ) any advice you have to offer. Do you think that the time and situation is right? Do you think perhaps I'm a little too young? (I'm 21, she's 22, he's 24). I've learned to be wary of things I want this much
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:00 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh View Post
Yeah that makes sense about initials but unfortunately everybody in this story has the same one xD
You should see how confusing it gets when someone insists on using the initial "I".

"My partner and I went to see a movie". Does that mean "My partner and I", or My partner and his other partner, I"?

On that note, I think I've now conclusively proven that I should have gone to bed a couple of hours ago. It's getting late over here and I've started to babble.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:52 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh View Post
1) I personally wouldn't lass it as poly because there's no serious emotional attachment between them. I would just say that we're in an open relationship and she's the...ahem..."extra curricular" partner for him right now. Both of them have said to me, I believe honestly and in private, that although they like each other and enjoy their time together, there's nothing more there. If there was, however, I'd be completely happy and they both know it.
To me, this kind of situation would qualify as poly. I do not think that the depth of the emotional involvement is a key. They like each other and have sex together... I would consider that a relationship. But I have no authority to define your relationship for you, of course.

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2) That is a really good point. I never thought of that. I will explain that to her.
I agree with Emm about this. It is way easier to start a relationship with one person than with a pre-existing couple.

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Originally Posted by vertiginoushigh View Post
3) No, I don't think they are. My boyfriend and this girl (are we allowed to use names?) get along really well and like each other as friends, but I don't think they'd be interested in having a sexual relationship with each other. I don't really know.
It is a common practise to choose some kind of names for the people involved (see signatures, mine and other's), that makes the discussion easier. Just not tell their real names, to secure anonymity.

If your BF and your new interest already like each other as friends, it is a big plus, IMO. More than that is not needed, and actually friendship between metamours is not necessary, either. Being civil and polite is enough.

Edit: I notice Emm types much faster than me
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