I don't care to listen...

Flo

New member
I have not experienced this issue in the past although my SO and I have been poly for a while. He met someone about 2 years ago and it was on and off... now she visits our house weekends - she works 100 miles from here. To be fair - not every weekend... when she is her - I feel invaded. I find myself in the role of hostess (can't get myself out of that) and it really taps my energies - especially after a long work week. I clean the house for her visits...change the sheets...make breakfast... just what I would do for any company. I actually enjoy her company. At night.... she usually sleeps with my SO... (she IS a guest after all) and he is reveling in the new relationship energy... and I am envious of what she is getting. Being around all the time... I get the guy who falls asleep on the couch... rolls over and snores... masturbates without me... and farts

and right now... what bothers me is that I hear them -- no matter where I go in the house- I hear them... One might think it was hot... and I can see that... but I am not getting enough... and I could spit nails I am so horny.

No... I am not interested in joining them... I tried that a couple of times... and while I had fun the bottom line is that I got to see up front that he INDEED remembers how to do all that stuff... just not with me.

Any thoughts?
 
It seems for sure, as you said, that he is in the throes of NRE and perhaps not giving you the attention and care that you would like from him. Also having to be in "hostess" mode can be tiring even if you enjoy their company. There's actually a thread about that called "My Space." Have you told him these things you're feeling? He may have simply gotten so wrapped up in NRE that he didn't notice. Maybe you two can negotiate different arrangements for them to spend time together. Perhaps, they have their "time" in a hotel on occasion or you could go out to do something. I can imagine the listening would be difficult. It sounds like you are respectful of letting their relationship develop so I hope they can be considerate of what you need to be happy as well.
 
Better yet maybe you should go to a hotel and treat yourself to not having to be the hostess and then you can just focus on you and do whatever you want to do for the weekend. It's his SO, he should be the one taking care of her and making sure she's comfortable when she visits.
 
I'm with Derby, give yourself a break.

I totaly get it though, I do the same thing when Cricket stays the night. Thay are not allowed to have sex here though, so I haven't had that issue.

As far as his time with you, tell him! Or something I do from time to time when I feel we are in a rut, is I give to Karma the same treatment I am looking for. I'll spend extra time on forplay, I do new things., etc.The next time around, he usualy does something different and it pulls us out of our rut.

We have a hard time b/c my medical problems only allow for certain positions and certain time frames. But when I feel I need something new, I visit my dear friend the internet and start searching for new ideas.

Speak out for yourself. Tell your hubby that you understand he is having some serious NRE but you are feeling a bit neglected.

For us, Karma would masturbate instead of trying for sex because he was sick of the constant rejection. When I started turning my mental state around I was getting really upset that he would spend "alone time" with himself instead of me. It was a hard habit to break because he was so used to. So I instituted the ask me first, if I can't, I'll give you a BJ instead.

He had no idea how much it hurt me that he wasn't asking me, until I said something. We've really learned the last few months that we can't just assume the other knows what we need.

You've got to clue him in to your feelings and what you need.

As for the hostess feeling, I can only say I know how you feel. Like I said on the "myspace" thread, this is the exact reason why I ended overnights here. It was taking to much of a toll on me.

Though I'd encourage your hubby to take up some of the host duties. She is his g/f after all. Karma always helps me clean and prep. And nothing made the day better than Karma serving Cricket and I breakfast in bed.
 
And nothing made the day better than Karma serving Cricket and I breakfast in bed.

I completely agree with that statement ;)
 
Hey Flo,

Yea - stuff like this is easy to happen.
You seem like a great person - so the 'host' mode would seem natural. But you're right in not wanting to take that on all the time unless YOU are up for it. And after working hard all week, that's not always the case.

But that's just real ! And it's a simple, really, as sitting down and explaining it. There's no foul here - for anyone ! Like Mohegan said, hubby needs to understand this is primarily HIS guest and HE needs to host ! And in reality, I'm betting if you share this with her openly, being another woman, she'll understand completely and team up with you to put the pressure on HIM :)
Don't keep it a hidden frustration, just explain it with a grin.

As for the mannerisms difference between a NEW relationship and a comfortable one.....

I'd use this as a talking point to illustrate how relationships can easily (and frequently) slip into a rut. I think it happens to most all of us that have been in long term relationships. But someone or some circumstance needs to call it out. This can really be a good wakeup call. There's a certain expectation I think when things are new, and eventually I think all relationships 'settle' into a comfort zone. We WANT that - that comfort. The trick is though, to not let it 'settle' to the point it hits bottom. I'm sure you understand that if their relationship lasts, IT will start drifting towards that same point. Tis de nature of tings :)

Same with the sex. That NRE again ! A gentle reminder that it USED to be that way between you two and that you miss it (and he did to - whether he realized it or not) should be enough to bring some of it your way. But like the farting, remember that wild passion with her will eventually diminish. Nature again....

Smile. Be happy. Teamwork.

GS
 
Time for a boundary talk I think.

I would suggest getting a list together of what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Here is what would be acceptable to me.

-she is your girlfriend, you are responsible for taking care of anything that is to do with her.... ie. cleaning, cooking, planning, washing. I will do what needs t be done for my regular fair share of duties for our family, you get to do what your fair share is and take care of anything to do with her.
-if I can hear your fucking, it's too close, take it elsewhere or be more quiet. i'm glad you are having a good time, but I don't want to know.
-regular quality date time and connection.... me and my partner will sit down and plan a weekly date that is thought out to involve conversation above household talk and some intimate time to cuddle and/or have sex.
-monthly you can go to her house. monthly she can come to us, provided the above is covered.

In my relationships I don't get away with ANY of what your partner does! Frankly I'm aghast. I find it rude and disrespectful, NRE or not. That might not entirely be his fault if you haven't been communicating, so I suggest getting on that so he and she knows what is up for you, otherwise resentment builds and he will be forced into drastic measure if because he has an irate partner who wants his girlfriend gone, rather than your feeling compersion for them. He needs to invest in that I think.

It sounds like you like this woman and don't object to their relationship or her at this point, so I am thinking nipping this in the bud now would mean that you can be sane about it. That is a good thing... no one likes an irate metamour that hasn't been getting their needs met because she hasn't been talking about them.
 
Thanks to all

I appreciate - what I see as support. I have never been ont to shy away from direct communication... well let's say I say things that I think are heard. I talked with him the other day and told him I was feeling particularly romantic and in love with him... and that I wanted him to go see her. It was even difficult for me to ay that - and I felt so much better after... three days later he said "So have you thought more about it?" HELLO.... I wasn't thinking more about it - I have thought about it for ages before I said something.... that bothered me most. My plan today was to leave before they got up - but that didn't work... I did get them to go somewhere without me and will be woking on my own day plans now.... I like to think I am a strong person - but I still made breakfast!

I'm a work in progress....

Thanks again
 
Maybe this is a matter of him making sure you are okay, making sure you know he still loves you and includes you. Maybe he is not so used to doing things without you and has a hard time separating.

The thing is that this relationship is his, not yours. Metamour relationships are not the same as love relationships and really I would think it is time for the bird to fly the nest. It sounds like it is getting uncomfortable for you to be involved so much and rightly so; she is not your lover....

I talked with someone before about this I think and we discussed how much one should get involved with the success of their partners relationship. She said that she knew stuff about him that could sabotage what he had created and I mentioned that really it was his relationship to do as he pleases. Their dynamic and what works for them is going to be different than what works for you. It might work for him to have you do stuff for him like make breakfast, but that doesn't mean that is their dynamic...

why can't she make breakfast anyways... perhaps some requests to pull her weight are in order while she stays with you... maybe it's time to go from guest to live in weekend boarder.
 
Time for a boundary talk I think.

I would suggest getting a list together of what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Here is what would be acceptable to me.

-she is your girlfriend, you are responsible for taking care of anything that is to do with her.... ie. cleaning, cooking, planning, washing. I will do what needs t be done for my regular fair share of duties for our family, you get to do what your fair share is and take care of anything to do with her.
-if I can hear your fucking, it's too close, take it elsewhere or be more quiet. i'm glad you are having a good time, but I don't want to know.
-regular quality date time and connection.... me and my partner will sit down and plan a weekly date that is thought out to involve conversation above household talk and some intimate time to cuddle and/or have sex.
-monthly you can go to her house. monthly she can come to us, provided the above is covered.

In my relationships I don't get away with ANY of what your partner does! Frankly I'm aghast. I find it rude and disrespectful, NRE or not. That might not entirely be his fault if you haven't been communicating, so I suggest getting on that so he and she knows what is up for you, otherwise resentment builds and he will be forced into drastic measure if because he has an irate partner who wants his girlfriend gone, rather than your feeling compersion for them. He needs to invest in that I think.

It sounds like you like this woman and don't object to their relationship or her at this point, so I am thinking nipping this in the bud now would mean that you can be sane about it. That is a good thing... no one likes an irate metamour that hasn't been getting their needs met because she hasn't been talking about them.

^^^ Every single word redpepper posted. Very good advice. Take heed.
 
And maybe he just isn't getting it... He knows... I told him... and then I reminded him... and..... perhaps he is more rude than I want to admit.
 
And maybe he just isn't getting it... He knows... I told him... and then I reminded him... and..... perhaps he is more rude than I want to admit.
Well maybe, maybe you could show him your thread here. He might be rude, or just not get it because its coming from you. My PN sometimes doesn't hear stuff that comes from me. Its like his brain shuts off until someone else says it. It makes me feel that my opinion and requests are not valid.

Really though, they should be doing stuff for you. You are going out of YOUR way, not the other way around.
 
This is a prime example of why people think that poly is having ones cake and eating it too. There is an issue here with balance, but you have created that. You can uncreate that. Just do stuff for you. Start today.

I can't imagine doing what your man has been doing. It actually makes me cringe, to think of fucking Mono knowing PN can hear. What kind of respect is that from him AND her! And not pulling my weight? I would be told off so fast and my good thing would end! Not to mention I would feel terrible knowing PN has had to look after what is my stuff to look after. I'm a grown up, I can take care of my own life.
 
Hi, Flo.

Sorry about the trouble you're experiencing at home. You've already been given some terrific advice, so I'm not going to repeat it.

I just want to add that if you're communicating your needs clearly, respectfully and lovingly to your SO and metamour, and can't get any traction with them to resolve the issues, it's time for you to up the ante. From what you describe, you are not being heard. Maybe it's NRE, maybe it's that the current situation is working really well for them (and why wouldn't it, with you doing so much of the work for their enjoyment?), maybe it's something else altogether. Whatever it is, you will never get what you need from them until you first get their attention. So, get their attention! Especially his. Call a meeting, write a letter, bang a gong, blow an air horn or whatever will work, but call their attention to the fact that this relationship is in trouble!

And once you have their attention, express your needs clearly and directly, and ask for what you want. Then you can work with them to see to it that EVERYONE's needs are met within the relationships, including yours. It's not all that complicated, once everyone's focused on resolving the problems. But the first step is to bring it to their attention.

Good luck to you all.
 
Some very good advice here, I think RedPepper is a genuine love guru. Seriously, Red, you should write a column, if you don't already.

One thing I did want to note is how absolutely important it is to be 100% clear, cut and dried with us menfolk. If you're trying to subtly intimate something, we just aren't gonna get it. Be clear, direct, and to the point. Say everything you're feeling and need him to know 3 times, 3 different ways, and then it'll probably sink in. Maintain eye contact too, if he's looking at your boobs, he's not listening, he's thinking about your boobs. This is truth, I know it is so, because I am HORRIBLY guilty of being imperceptive sometimes. I'm not saying you haven't BEEN clear, but I thought it may be worth revisiting in your mind on the off chance that maybe you weren't as clear as you thought you were.
 
Better yet maybe you should go to a hotel and treat yourself to not having to be the hostess and then you can just focus on you and do whatever you want to do for the weekend. It's his SO, he should be the one taking care of her and making sure she's comfortable when she visits.

My first thought when I read this was "Oh hell no!" I am not going to clean, change sheets and prepare for a guest, then have to exit my home, then come home and clean up after them again? And I can guarantdamntee that he isn't going to be the one on hands and knees making sure the shower, toilet and bathroom floors are clean, sheets are clean and back on the bed, towels are clean and folded and ready to use, floors are vacuumed, etc.

No way. They can go to a hotel and sleep in someone else's bed and use threadbare towels while listening to kids run up and down the hallway and the dog in the room next door bark all night.

I am going to stay home, in comfy pajamas, fire place going, favorite drink in hand, control of the remote and my favorite movie.
 
No way. They can go to a hotel and sleep in someone else's bed and use threadbare towels while listening to kids run up and down the hallway and the dog in the room next door bark all night.

That would be a "motel" with the threadbare towels, kids and barking dogs. "Hotel" usually means soft-porn, room-service, and hot-tubs.
 
What kind of relationship do you have with her? I stayed at my couple's house for about a month when I moved to a new job and to be near them...until I was able to find a place of my own. I also spent a few weekends with them before moving and a long week camping with them. I must say it was awkward at times knowing what was expected...or what would be helpful. They had their routines. She had her routine. I asked her what would be most helpful in terms of housework, etc. But there were times I felt like I was just getting in the way of her routine and way of doing things.

So, while I can see how she/they interrupt your routine, as someone whose been on the other side of the situation, it wasn't exactly always comfortable for me either. I am jealous at times that they have a place together, live together and are able to have routines and a life together. Being the "guest" has its drawbacks. (He couldn't come to my place when I lived 7 hours from them due to their work schedules. I had more time off, and she has a 9 year old son that he cares for during the time she's working or going to college.)

As for meals....HE cooks for both of us! ;) We will take a meal he's made to her at work and all eat together at times. And I'm free to rummage in the cupboards or refrigerator and get myself a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich if I'm hungry. No one has to serve me.

I "visited" for the weekend last weekend. On my way to their house I called and asked if there was anything she needed/wanted snack-wise at work since I'd be driving right by where she worked. While at the house I did my laundry and theirs, bagged up the trash and took it out, put fresh sheets on the bed when I arrived and took them off and put them in the laundry just before I left, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, hand washed and dried a few pots and pans that I hadn't had meals from, and wiped down the countertops and stove top... while he was at a choir rehearsal for 4 hours. I also watched her son during the time he was gone since she was working.

I don't know what to recommend in terms of overhearing their amorous adventures. That's a tough one. I'm a rather noisy lover and in all honesty it's no fun having to hold in and suppress myself, but I do it when she's around. (And I guess she really wouldn't mind overhearing us as it's kind of a turn-on for her according to him....but not for me knowing I might be overheard!) Also....your guy's other woman isn't responsible for the fact that you're not getting your sexual needs met with him.

Perhaps if talking to him doesn't seem to help much...you could approach her about some of this?????
 
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