Poly but still Mono?

GSAS082612

New member
Okay, so I love my significant others with all that I have and am content with our relationship. MOSTLY. Lately the pair, (they’re married) have been making it seem like a completely monogamous relationship. Planning couples dates, and having me as baby sitter because they want to “celebrate” their marriage and their anniversaries, the simple things that I do not take part of. And I do feel left out.

They made a big deal over their wedding anniversary this past October and now are making a big deal over their 3 year mark of being together as an official couple. So while they are being mono-like I am stuck as the side-show attraction and baby-sitter.

They want to fix things and I understand that. And I want them to be able to grow from their problems and the horrific incidents the two have created. It’s like a world of havoc. And its pissing me off. I mean as far as being poly goes, we are always fighting. So how the hell is polyamory working? And then if I mention something they make it seem like it’s my fault or that I should “understand”. How the hell do I understand being left out of dates? How the hell do I make sense out of the two of them growing and being together and I am just a baby sitter? WHAT THE HELL! :mad:

But truthfully it seems like this relationship is no longer polyfidelitous but monogamous with a live-in sex-toy, used for their personal enjoyment and games. And while Sam is unable to do certain things sexually it seems as if I’m doing the things he wants to because she is unable to, like a fill in for her. I don’t know exactly how polyamory works but I’m pretty sure this is not it.

All I really want to know is if there is anyone that can sympathize. That is the "odd one out" in a poly relationship that was a started marriage. Or even being apart of the marriage how can you explain this. I'm not sure how to deal. Help please
 
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Well, you sound like you articulated how you feel about things right now pretty darn clear. That part doesn't sound confused to me.

While in polyship, each mini relationship needs it own time, and I get that Sam and Glenn need that. When is the time for Glenn and you and THAT mini rship? Or Sam and you? Or Glen and Sam and You? THOSE dates don't sound like they are happening.

So... are they going to be put on the calendar or not? Because if not, they fail to meet your needs.

I know it is not a fun place to be at right now. :(

Dealing with the fact that your feelings for them are in the place of A, and dealing with the fact that their feelings back for you are in the place of B. No matter what they might say, their actions speak something else.

So coming to terms with that reality and then trying to decide what to do about it -- I could see where feeling upset/confused could come in there.

What do you most want here? What do you most want to do? How do you want to meet your own needs? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Not that it really matters, but I would still qualify what you guys have as a poly arrangement. I would call it hierarchical polyfidelity. I'm sure that would work for some people but it sounds like a night terror to me.

Regardless of the classification, if you aren't digging what you've got then you need to decide how you want to go about remedying that. Fortunately, if you are polyamorous, those kinds of problems are easy enough to address. If I am not getting enough of a particular thing from my partner I am free to fulfill it with someone else. For a monogamous person this is a real problem, for me it is a minor inconvenience until I find a way to get my needs met.

Note that what I am *not* suggesting is convincing your partners to change their activities in order to suit your preference. It is healthy to express your desires and feelings but it is another thing to expect that they should capitulate simply because you want something. They might adjust their behaviors to better suit you but hopefully they would only do this because it is something they are glad to do.

As far as the babysitting thing, it sounds like you're building some resentment there. Just like I would not expect them to bend over backwards in ways they don't want to, if what you are doing for them is distasteful to you... you absolutely need to change this. Continuing to bend in a way that you resent will build like poison in the relationship and, in the end, it will do FAR greater harm than good. It's an unfortunate habit people have, insisting that "painful sacrifice" is a natural part of being in a romantic relationship. I don't know where this idea comes from but it is a non-stop source of difficulty (if these forums are any indication).
 
Your situation is actually very common. People think they can add another person into their marriage and it'll all be smooth and equal, but you can't magically make up for the time they've been married and the bond that they created that you haven't had a chance to build with them yet. It just takes time, which is why the idea of adding in a third person to an existing relationship and getting a polyfidelitous triad that doesn't leave the new person feeling like the "junior" member... just doesn't seem to work so well. The girl my gf and her husband dated before me was in a similar situation. Thank god they learned from it, and when my gf and I started dating they knew better than to claim they could offer an equal partnership.

This may be of interest/use to you: http://tacit.livejournal.com/295369.html?nojs=1
 
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That's a serious amount of resentment that you've built up! Like GG said, you've articulated your feelings loud and clear. And it seems as though you've told them about your dissatisfaction without receiving the support and reciprocation that you need.

Look, I think the ball is in their court on this one. I understand that they may be acting a bit selfish in order to patch their relationship, and they should see this in themselves - but why aren't they communicating better with you to relieve your frustrations?

They should either:

Explain to you that this situation is temporary, and they should be spending more time with you as a 3some. This way they still spend time with each other but at least make an effort to tend to your needs. They should get a babysitter and take you out more often.

Or, they should be honest and tell you that they have serious problems and need time alone - without you. It's tough honesty, but it allows you to make a choice about weather or not you want to stick around. Are you in a position to leave or do they think they have you as a captive live-in babysitter?

Either way at least you know where you stand and can take back control of your future.
 
My Replies to the Past Four :)

GalaGirl: I have made it clear how I feel, I'm not entirely sure they understand. But yes, I do feel left out. And it needs to change, I have made THAT much clear and then Glenn gives me the same old lecture of "we warned you it was going to be off for awhile and it's going to be hard soemtimes and i'm going to need more Sam and I times and we will have you watch Jocelynn" and as much as I am "ok" with watching the kid, I really don't like that I am not getting anytime with this relationship. >.> And GG I get exactly what you mean by saying one thing but doing another. But I don't want to lose them. But I don't want to seem vulnerable or even their "toy." What I want the most of this polyship is fair time with each other as well as time as a polyship. I want my needs to be met as well as I want to meet theirs. But I refuse to bend over backwards to make them happy 24/7. I need to be happy too. :(

Marcus: Heiarchal Polyfidelity is not my idea of being in a relationship... AT ALL. I agree with "absolute terror". I don't like that the fact that NONE of my needs are being met, and I hate that they don't see to want to try. However, I am still doing my best to make them happy because I came into this relationship wanting a relationship not a babysitting night job. I appreciate all they do for me but JUST because they clothe-feed- drive and provide for me, It doesn't mean that this isn't a relationship still. As I told GG, I don't mind but I don't like that its ALL I am doing.

Annabel More: Personally, I knew that it wouldn't be comepletely equal but shutting me out completely STILL sucks. And I still feel left out.

BreatheDeeply: Yeah, pretty much I am pretty resentful for the situation. And I have explained what I feel. And what certain things need to happen in order for me to stay but I get a lecture on and on about them "warning me". I don't know. I am completely pissed off and would appreciate getting my relationship on track before I got removed myself from the poly-ship. But yes, the ball is in their court, and they made the decision of A. But still I'm NOT getting that time I desperately need to feel loved and cared for, wanted and needed. Sexual satisfaction can be cancelled out, but still I need to know I am here for more than just sex. They both tell me I am, but I am not so sure.
 
Personally, I knew that it wouldn't be comepletely equal but shutting me out completely STILL sucks. And I still feel left out.

That is completely fair. Needing time to themselves? Needing to put more emphasis right now on shoring up their marriage? Fair enough, totally reasonable. Needing to put a hold on physical intimacy? A very touchy, extreme thing to do, but... ok, I could see maybe trying to work with that. My gf and I put a hold on physical intimacy for a whole year while she was pregnant... the hormones just made her need to "nest" with her partner. But she and I still had dates, we still cuddled, we still said "I love you." We didn't basically temporarily break up, which it sounds like is what you feel like has happened.

So, you're living with them and they're taking care of you financially? That's a tough position. Do you have the ability to get some more income coming in for yourself to prepare for the possibility of moving out? You wouldn't necessarily need to end the relationship in that case, but having some more independence would probably be a really healthy thing for you, and for this triad, if it's to continue. For your own mental health, you may need to remove yourself from the position of being "on hold" and being their free babysitter while you watch them work on their relationship. What an emotionally difficult position to be in, but also unavoidable as long as you're dependent on them, and they feel that it's what they absolutely need (though you'd really think there should be *some* flexibility there from them??).

Another good link: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html
 
I appreciate all they do for me but JUST because they clothe-feed- drive and provide for me, It doesn't mean that this isn't a relationship still.

Yikes! That is not going to help you attain status as an equal partner in the relationship. I think you establishing your independence by getting a job, car, and maybe even your own place should be priority number one. I mean... I'd start working on that yesterday.
 
It sounds to me like something happened and your BF and GF realized their marriage was in jeopardy. They told you that they would need some time to work on it. (Or so it would seem to them as they say that they "warned you".) So, if that is the case you are left with two choices, 1) accept that they need to do this and respect their time with each other, 2) let them know that you cannot accept this if it means that you get no time or whatever it is that you need and ask to separate your lives in a way that leaves you feeling valued. . . .close friend and room mate, but not babysitter or once a month babysitter whilst you get on your feet.

You are much younger than your BF and somewhat younger than his wife. How is it that you ended up in this relationship and living with them? How long have you been living with them? How long have they been neglecting you?
 
GalaGirl: I have made it clear how I feel, I'm not entirely sure they understand. But yes, I do feel left out. And it needs to change, I have made THAT much clear and then Glenn gives me the same old lecture of "we warned you it was going to be off for awhile and it's going to be hard soemtimes and i'm going to need more Sam and I times and we will have you watch Jocelynn" and as much as I am "ok" with watching the kid, I really don't like that I am not getting anytime with this relationship. >.> And GG I get exactly what you mean by saying one thing but doing another. But I don't want to lose them. But I don't want to seem vulnerable or even their "toy." What I want the most of this polyship is fair time with each other as well as time as a polyship. I want my needs to be met as well as I want to meet theirs. But I refuse to bend over backwards to make them happy 24/7. I need to be happy too.

That's fine they need time alone to work on their stuff. That bold part would grate on me if they are just ASSUMING you are willing to be the babysitter all the time for their convinience. That's kinda fresh.

Maybe you are willing to do that sometimes if asked nicely. Do they even bother to ask nicely? Or just announce it and assume your time is theirs to dictate? Maybe sometimes you need time ALONE to do your own things and just are not up for babysitting. Maybe you want the time to seek a job, school, hobbies -- whatever it is you need to do for YOU. Has that part been addressed? Your need for your own alone time?

You are not going to "lose them" if they are willing to work with you and be in relationship with you. If they are NOT willing to work with you -- better you know it NOW than keep being strung along and keep on feeling like a live-in sex toy/babysitter machine thing rather than like a person in your own right.

Could start saying "No" sometimes on the babysitting. Just not be available. Choose yourself a bit more so you are doing your end of the work to bring this to a better balance.

Don't say you are willing to do things you are not really willing to do -- that feeds your resentment. You have to consider YOURSELF too. Not just ask THEM to consider you. But YOU consider you and meeting some of your own needs.

You may like the child and them, but your time is yours to spend, not theirs to dictate. If they are being fresh and taking you and your time for granted, you could call them into account for that and ask to be treated with more consideration than they are giving on that part of things, since you are willing to give their marriage time needs consideration too. Turn about is fair play here.

Maybe living in your own flat would give you the space required to bring this to healthier balance? So you can still be in relationship with them but not be taken for granted (you or your time) because you are just THERE all the time? Not break up but stop with the bit that is not working -- cohabitating?

GG
 
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Agreed with Marcus - this seems like a HUGE power imbalance. They house/feed/transport you and they assume you'll take care of their child, and they then tell you the level of attention you will receive, regardless of your needs?

Regardless of whether or not you enjoy taking care of their child, or whether or not you love and miss them, getting out from underneath their "assistance" is probably going to be the best thing you can do for yourself right now, if it's at all possible. Then perhaps you will BE on more equal footing and be able to pull a little more weight when asking for what you need ("I need to be with adults, and if you can't/won't be with me, then I will go out on my own." - that sort of thing).

Good luck!
 
Mixed Opinion

Let me begin by saying that all relatioships have their problems and fights, especially poly ones because you are trying to balance three different points of views and lives together. If you are not able to handle having fights and coping with the fall out, then you are not going to be able to have any form of relationship that will be successful. Poly relationships are all about balancing lives and compromising and making things work for all of those involved.

You have mentioned in your post that they "celebrated" their marriage, where they should. You make it sound like just because they brought you into their relationship that they should not have a past and that everything before you should be unimportant. They should be able to celebrate their past without you feeling bad as long as they still celebrate the milestones within the poly relationship as well. If they refuse to recognize your anniversaries or dates important to the poly relationship, then you may have a problem to argue about.

As far as these dates that they go on, what exactly do they do? Do they go out every night without you and just expect you to be okay with that? If so then there could be a problem. However, if you have agreed to give them time to work on their marriage, which definately sounds like it could use some TLC, then you cannot be too upset when they try to do that. You should not say things that you do not mean in relationships because it only leads to problems and your resentment for their spending time together. Do either of them make an effort to spend any time with you or are they always by themselves? It sounds like from this and some of your other posts that the three of you are all very busy people, and that could play into some of the bad scheduling. Sometimes that is all a relationship really needs, a set schedule of things to do and when to do them.

Now you have mentioned that you love this little girl, but you make it seem like it is such a burden to have to "babysit" her. Do you consider yourself to be a part of the relationship and the family? That little girl probably sees you as a parent, as many children of poly parents do because they do not know the difference. While she is not your biological child, you got into the relationship knowing that the child was a part of the package. When a child is under your care and you and that child love each other like a parental child relationship normally is, it is not called babysitting, it is called being a parent. Do your bf and gf ask you to watch their child, or simply expect it and was it something that you had said was ok when you got into the relationship? You have said that you do not work or contribute financially to the relationship and that they are your providers, so having the responsibility of taking care of the child shouldn't be too big of a burden as long as they aren't just going out and excluding you every night. You say how much you want things in this relationship to be equal by acting as if they shouldn't have a past, but then you turn around and say that you don't want to have it equal when it comes to being a parent to the child, which if you didn't want that then they would have to hold onto some of that past that it seems you are so desperate to try to erase.

You also mentioned in this post that on top of feeling like a live-in babysitter, that you also feel as if you are your bf's sex toy for the things that your gf cannot do. What exactly would you be able to do for him that she couldn't? What is your sexual relationship like with your gf, because you have only mentioned your relationship with your bf, which again doesn't sound like you want an equal relationship. You make it seem as if you are only appreciated for the things that you are able to do in the sack and nothing else with your bf. If that is the case, then make an effort to do other things besides have sex.

I am mixed about this because you seem to be complaining about them having a past and then not wanting to move forward as being a part of the family and being a parent to the child. They need time to work on their broken marriage, and you agreed to that, but they do need to make time for you as well. You do not contribute to the household and seem to complain about having to do something as simple as watching a little girl, when they could definately require you to help with the bills. You need to do some things to gain your independance from the relationship, but you also need to appreciate what you have in it as well. You need to figure out what is causing you to feel like a sex toy with your bf and why you don't mention much about the relationship with your gf. In the end, get some therapy, couples and individual.:confused:
 
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