Commiserate

BathedInSalt

New member
I came out to my interest and was rejected.
It sucks.
I was so vulnerable and my heart is broken.
This is my first attempt so it's particularly painful.
I feel yuck.
He is the first interest I've proposed it to, "came out" to.
He was good and he cares and it was all fine, but it hurts.
It's not what he wants, I understand.
I've crushed before, but this was more. Way more.
I fell fast.

All in all everyone has done well, he is being true to himself, my husband is being phenomenally supportive and I'm trying to live authentically

it
still
hurts

ugh.
heartache is the worst
 
Both people I have asked to have a relationship with sense identifying as poly have both said they aren't interested. So I feel you, just keep in mind the more of a struggle it is now the more rewarding it will be when you do find the right person. I'm sorry for the gross feeling you have now, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
 
Hi BathedInSalt,

Sorry your interest did not reciprocate to you. That is a sad and owie feeling. I hope you get feeling better soon, but not too soon, these things take time, and they should take time, because your love for another is important.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi BathedInSalt,
I hope you get feeling better soon, but not too soon, these things take time, and they should take time, because your love for another is important.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

You're the sweetest and yes, so much this. Love is important.
 
Well... now you know.

Bummer it is not reciprocated.

Plus because now you KNOW and don't have to be doing the "will they? Won't they" anxious thing.

Plus because it sounds like it went politely and it's all fine. Not like he's being a jerk about it or anything.

Like a mixed blessing thing.

I'm sorry you feel bummed out though. Hopefully those feelings will pass in time.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
Nnot to be a mere PITA... but the FACT is that when you start talking about ANY sort of "love," you take the chance of being incorrect.

Merely because you offer the opportunity of Love does not leastwise mean that The Other feels anything remotely similar.
 
I wouldn't trade what happened for the world. I would've preferred a different outcome, but wow if I hadn't met Blue Eyes and had the feelings who knows how much longer it would've taken to come to my recent realization.
and now I know where he stands
and now I know so much more about my marriage to Dean
and now I know more about me
and if you look at my blog you'll see I had a pretty great day nursing my heartache yesterday. Weird to say, but as far as days go when your crying and your face is all swollen it was the best one. My two people came to be with me. I felt so loved. holy crap I'm lucky.

and feel free to be a PITA anytime, you're right of course
just because you make yourself vulnerable doesn't mean it's gonna be reciprocated
I didn't expect him to be down with poly, but I can still feel bad that he wasn't.
It sucks.

Blue Eyes has told me he loves me, he's said he missed me. I believe he cares, he just prefers that I'm not married. So thats's that.

He wants to continue being friends, but I had to put on the break a bit. I gotta compartmentalize my feelings. Feel better.
Deal.
 
I gotta compartmentalize my feelings. Feel better.
Deal.

What does this mean? "Compartmentalize" and "deal" are buzz words these days and I never know exactly what is meant. Often, they seem to mean hide how you really feel. What does this mean for you?
 
What does this mean? "Compartmentalize" and "deal" are buzz words these days and I never know exactly what is meant. Often, they seem to mean hide how you really feel. What does this mean for you?


Great question, when I was typing that I was asking myself "what do I even mean?"
I actually don't know what to do with my feelings so I can remain friends with Blue.
Compartmentalize sounds right to me. Like I can treat him like I would a friend, but it takes putting my loving feelings in a different compartment. For example, today I saw him to retrieve something from his place and it took effort not to hug him hello like I always do and I thought if I looked him in the eyes any more than absolutely necessary I was going to cry. So I gotta hide all that, or wait for it to fade or whatever it does. This could take a while.
One can "deal" by putting the feelings in that box over there and not looking at it for a while. I'm not saying it's a great coping mech.

Historically in a situation similar to this I'd take time away from my love, not talk, not interact on social media, maybe even unfollow or hide social media feeds. Turn focus on something else, usually me- I have a lot of irons in the fire in the area of self improvement-

This situation is new, I'm not sure how to act. What to do, if anything. I wanna be this totally chill, un complicated, drama free cool chick. I'm not sure that's me though! Not yet. I dunno.
I guess for the short term I want to avoid things that will cause pain.
I want to feel my feelings, but also I really don't. Not at all.
I think all my tools for dealing with heartache involve a level of avoidance and distraction.
I'm not sure that's the right thing tone doing when I've been trying to open up spiritually and emotionally, to speak my truth.


Any ideas?
 
I actually don't know what to do with my feelings so I can remain friends with Blue.
Compartmentalize sounds right to me. Like I can treat him like I would a friend, but it takes putting my loving feelings in a different compartment. For example, today I saw him to retrieve something from his place and it took effort not to hug him hello like I always do and I thought if I looked him in the eyes any more than absolutely necessary I was going to cry. So I gotta hide all that, or wait for it to fade or whatever it does. This could take a while.
One can "deal" by putting the feelings in that box over there and not looking at it for a while.

Before I got together with either my bf or my gf, they were involved with each other. My gf, B, was head over heels in love with my (now) male mate, J, however he just thought of her as a really dear friend with whom he occasionally had sex. Unfortunately, it took J and I getting together before B truly accepted that he didn't feel the same way and never had. It was such a huge blow to her. And I have always felt guilty for being the agent of her misery, even as she was occasionally the cause of mine.

In the year or so between J putting a halt to their FWB status and B and I entering our own relationship, she had to do a LOT of soul searching and work in order to get over him, firstly, then to be able to make peace with the fact that he and I had a serious thing going, and still be able to be friends with us both.

As B tells it, she avoided social media (blocking me for months), spent a lot of time walking in nature (for the exercise and the peace), and read a lot, especially about Buddhist philosophy and the notion of non-attachment... eventually concluding that a really deep, true platonic friendship is its own unique thing, and not something that's inherently "lesser" in quality than a romantic relationship, even if the scope of relating might've shifted ie: no sex, marriage off the cards.

Another year later, and B, J and I are all in a triad of sorts, though those two are not intimately involved. We have all holidayed together and are planning on either moving in together, or very close by. B and J see each other as best friends and family members now and the friendship remains intact.

I am NOT trying to give you false hope here, because I don't know if or how you and Blue intend to move forward, but I'm trying to say there IS hope that you will heal and get past the current confusion of emotions, even if your future may look different to how you planned it in your head.

[/QUOTE]
 
eventually concluding that a really deep, true platonic friendship is its own unique thing, and not something that's inherently "lesser" in quality than a romantic relationship, even if the scope of relating might've shifted ie: no sex, marriage off the cards...

I'm trying to say there IS hope that you will heal and get past the current confusion of emotions, even if your future may look different to how you planned it in your head.
[/QUOTE]

Yes, a true platonic friendship has so much value and I'm working towards that its Blue. It helps that I'm listening to me gut reactions and seeing that he wouldn't make a good partner for me in a poly situation, seeing the flags, dealing with reality. Also though just changing perspective from I can't be with you so I can't see you bc it hurts to much to I can't be with you, let's find out why it hurts so much, does it even have to and why can't our friendship be just as valuable? I am appreciative for the practice.

My future...I was advised recently to let go of what vision I hold in my mind as "victory". I think this is very wise. I already couldn't have predicted my marriage ever to take this turn. Never predicted I'd have the tools to navigate this kind of thing, to be so secure in my own self to do this. So, yeah the future is unknowable at this point and that's mostly ok with me.

Thank you for sharing.
 
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