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  #311  
Old 05-04-2012, 05:50 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Still in the end, it's her choice and the more you point out his flaws, the more she will fight back. It's always those that love us that can see when someone isn't good for us, LOOOOONG before we are willing to admit it or open our eyes to see what everyone else has been complaining about.

Don't allow the disrespect or hostility in your presence. Call him on it immediately. What goes on between them outside of your presence is their business. There needs to be an agreement between you and Vanilla about when you've been pushed too far and she needs to remove him from your home.

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8. Doesn't respect boundaries and presses on even after several requests to stop because he needs to prove he's right
Assuming this goes on between you and him or in your presence, look up and learn more effective ways to bring a halt to a conversation or such. I know there are some things that can be done that are quite effective.

Maybe there are some older and more experienced persons in the S/M community that you and Vanilla can sit down and talk to and ask questions. Where is the line between play and abuse, how far is too far, etc?
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  #312  
Old 05-04-2012, 06:08 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Still in the end, it's her choice and the more you point out his flaws, the more she will fight back. It's always those that love us that can see when someone isn't good for us, LOOOOONG before we are willing to admit it or open our eyes to see what everyone else has been complaining about.

Don't allow the disrespect or hostility in your presence. Call him on it immediately. What goes on between them outside of your presence is their business. There needs to be an agreement between you and Vanilla about when you've been pushed too far and she needs to remove him from your home.

Actually, I don't engage with him on that level at all. It's Vanilla who asks him to stop pestering her with topics she doesn't want to talk about. This morning the big topic was politics, which Vanilla has no interest in at all. While I'm super-political person, I assume that if Vanilla wants to discuss a P topic, she will just bring it up, and of course if she asks, I'll briefly outline what I'm doing at any given moment. I appreciate hearing her viewpoints but don't usually feel the need to make her see my take on the matter at hand.

However, both Cookie and Chip have a way of pestering until the other person wears down and admits their defeat. If this doesn't happen, they conclude that the person they are talking to is a) stupid, b) ignorant, c) needs more convincing. While Vanilla kept on asking him to change the subject and told him several times that politics have no interest to her and she doesn't want to discuss it, he continued.


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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Assuming this goes on between you and him or in your presence, look up and learn more effective ways to bring a halt to a conversation or such. I know there are some things that can be done that are quite effective.

Maybe there are some older and more experienced persons in the S/M community that you and Vanilla can sit down and talk to and ask questions. Where is the line between play and abuse, how far is too far, etc?
Thanks for the above advice. I'm hoping to make a contact with some people in the community, but so far the only person Vanilla opens up to about this is her abusive ex-dom, whom I don't trust to have her or our best interests at heart.

I haven't really viewed this as a BDSM issue, but more like general disrespect for other people. I don't think this is about powerplay to them but about being right, and it doesn't matter what the particular relationship form is. They go on and on about their pet topics online etc.
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  #313  
Old 05-04-2012, 07:10 PM
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If this doesn't happen, they conclude that the person they are talking to is a) stupid, b) ignorant, c) needs more convincing.
Oh, they've been taking lessons from my mother - Did I say that out loud?

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While Vanilla kept on asking him to change the subject and told him several times that politics have no interest to her and she doesn't want to discuss it, he continued.
Again, this is her issue. If she doesn't like it, she can walk away. I know it's frustrating, but unless she is willing to take action to stop it, she shouldn't be complaining to you about it. This is where you need a boundary.

When she does start complaining, you can straight out ask her "Do you want my advice or are you just venting?" If she's just venting, you can determine if you can let her vent or if it's making you too upset and you need her to stop. Sometimes it helps to know what they need from you up front. Does she need a soldier to come to her defense and knock someone's teeth in or does she just need a shoulder to cry on.

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I haven't really viewed this as a BDSM issue, but more like general disrespect for other people. I don't think this is about powerplay to them but about being right, and it doesn't matter what the particular relationship form is. They go on and on about their pet topics online etc.
It seems like it might be a BDSM issue (at least partially) for Vanilla. My thought was if you two did some research together... 1. you would gain a better understanding of her need 2. She would know you are trying to understand for her sake 3. You both can work together to keep each other in safe and healthy relationships.
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  #314  
Old 05-04-2012, 11:25 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I agree, also, there are some "Doms" who feel the need to assert dominance in all situations, in part because of their status as dominant. I have a friend who considers himself the most dominant person in our social group to which other friends have laughed. He has alot of machismo, but my husband can use he dad voice on him and he'll sit down and shut up instantaneously.
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  #315  
Old 05-05-2012, 09:39 PM
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Default All work no play

I haven't read my blog through. I suppose it would be fun and frustrating, but I don't feel like it's time for self-reflection quite now.

I recently asked a dear loving friend to read this blog. He did and commented on some parts. Vanilla has also commented that I only journal/blog when things are going not-so-well (a trait I share with the venerable Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien - I hope I'm never that famous).

I almost never write about my studies or work in here. I'm plenty identifiable as it is for people who know me, should they stumble upon this blog. A few people on these forums I've shared more personal information with and a few even know my real name. There are a bunch of people in here I would be happy to befriend on FB, for example - I'm not super-uptight about privacy. The privacy of people who figure heavily in my blog, mainly Vanilla, however, keeps me from adding personal pictures etc. to my profile, let alone from publishing them in here.

While there's a great deal of stuff I can never disclose in here, I'm not superhappy with this blog as it is, since it's mainly been for the last two months a depressing pile of shit. Not that I'm shit-averse or unwilling to deal with it, but I sometimes try to think why somebody else would like to read my blog - and it certainly isn't for the happy happy joy joy ambience it gives out lately.

So I've decided to post something a bit more generally relationship-py for every post on my personal stuff I publish. I do read a lot of useful stuff, work-related and personal interest, that I think might be of more general interest. So I'm beginning in the next post with a translation of an article by a sex therapist on (Not Only)Lesbian Bed Death.

I'll mark out clearly the personal from the general posts in the titles so people who are all public service or all dramarama-oriented and possibly reading this can skip the parts they are not interested in.
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  #316  
Old 05-05-2012, 10:00 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default GENERAL: Yes, no, maybe? (translation)

Written by Mia Hemming, guest expert Leena Väisälä (gyneacologist, clinical sexologist, Bayer Inc), published in the Finnish magazine Hyvä Terveys (Good Health), issue 14/2011, pp. 58 - 59 (translation unauthorized and all mine)

Sex is everywhere - expect in one's very own bedroom. If your sex life has been put on a damper, you can either choose nostalgia or bringing on the heat again and heading in the direction of new pleasures.

1) Does sex eventually end in a relationship?
It's possible, but usually only when one partner falls seriously ill. Low desire, on the other hand, which affects the frequency of sex, is a very common problem in long-term relationships.

2) Is low desire solely women's problem?
No, but women have an easier time bringing it up with their gyneacologist. Men don't have a similar person to open up to. Men can talk about erectile dysfunction with their doctors, but have a harder time dealing with low desire.

There are also more women out there who are not familiar with their own sexual pleasure. It's not too long ago that our culture was still trying to repress feminine sexuality.

3) Why is it that in long-term relationships the partners don't always really desire each other?
There's thousand and one explanations for that. Sometimes the partners have a desire discrepancy; they have different hopes and expectations for sex and their relationship. Sex might have been instituonalized in that relationships in a form that bores one or both parties.

It's more often the case, however, that the partner who feels less desire also feels undervalued. They feel unheard and unlistened to.

Sometimes power struggles within the relationship can dampen desire for sex.

Being too close can affect desire levels negatively. The couple hasn't been able to move on beyond the symbiosis phase.

Sex as a mandatory chore kills desire, too. This is most often the case when the sex in the relationship happens because of an internalized norm of how frequent sex should be for the relationship to "do well".

4) Can low desire be caused by something outside of the relationship?
Setbacks on other areas of life can affect desire levels. Work-related stress, kids having issues or even just inequal distribution of housework so that everything is left to the responsibility of only one of the partners can suck out all the available energy. Sexuality can be affected equally by unhealthy living or mental health issues.

Low self-esteem can result in avoiding one's partner. If you don't like yourself and your body, it's difficult to get and stay close to your partner. Sometimes a woman who has a negative body image has inherited this attitude from her mother.

5) Is it problematic if a couple has sex infrequently?
If both are happy with the situatin, then everything's as it should be. Most people adapt to the fact that as the relationship matures and progresses, frequency of sex decreases. Sex can be substituted for by other hobbies which make life pleasurable.

We have to keep in mind that the beginning of a relationship is characterized by a really active and passionate sex life. The amount of sex decreases naturally from there. People who have been together for a long time are able to find other ways to be together.

6) So treatment is not necessary if you don't feel like it every night or morning or Sunday?
Absolutely not. Sex in a relationship shouldn't be assessed according to the amount but rather to the satisfaction levels of both parties. It's only a positive thing to have other pleasurable interests and activities in one's life. Wellbeing shouldn't only be dependent on sex.

There are phases in one's life when sex takes a back seat: when kids are young, or work is of primary importance. When things settle down, there's often more time to devote to sex, too.
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  #317  
Old 05-06-2012, 12:33 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default GENERAL: Continued

7) If it's always one partner who desires less than the other, should they still agree to sex sometimes?
You should never do anything that feels unpleasant. If you engage in sexual interaction you don't like, it only serves to further kill the desire. If you only subject yourself to the other's desires, it's easy to end up feeling used. Women from earlier generations unfortunately have often agreed to sex as a way to fulfill their duties.

You should never pressure your partner into having sex. Whatever the situation, you must respect the other's right to self-determination.

On the other hand, the party who has lower desire could do things they know will arouse them. Both parties should take the responsibility for their own sexuality.

8) Does this mean you should only have sex when you really really want it?
Desire doesn't always arise just by thinking about sex, but can build-up for example through caresses. There's no harm in trying whether the spark is there or not. Sometimes it's good to call forth sexual excitement. You should know how to say both yes, no and maybe to sexual proposals.

9) Should the partner who has stronger desires give up sex alltogether?
On first aid basis, solo sex, making love to yourself, is a good start. Fantasies and caresses can lead up to a world of pleasure. It pays off to discuss frankly with your partner your needs and hopes, but without blaming. If the situation is not brought out into the open, it leads into looking for other partners and might be the end of the relationship.

10) Can a new relationship be a way to enhance your sex life?
Sometimes it can be. Sex can flourish with a new partner, at least in the early stages of the relationship. People who have totally opposite desire levels can be fooled into thinking that sex will sort itself out given time. This doesn't always come to pass, though.

If you have partnered off in very early life, chances are that you haven't been very self-aware. Later you realize that there's not very much you have in common with your mate. Finding your partner in middle-age can be a better thing for the duration of the relationship. Long-term relationships are always very challenging, for most people crave variety.

Changing partners however often is not the solution. Unsolved problems need to be dealt with in the new relationship, too.

11) If you don't want to change partners, what can you do to improve your sex life?
Open communication is the key, and is often enough on its own to get past some deadends. It pays off to think, for example, why sex used to be better before. It's okay to talk about your own wishes and desires and also to mark what doesn't turn you on.

Both partners need to take responsibility for their own enjoyment. Becoming aware of your needs helps a great deal. Telling your partner that they suck at making you happy isn't going to improve anything.

It's beneficial to read books on the subject or seek help from sexual councelling and therapy.

12) What can you do if you are the one who has lower desire?
You can take a look at your habits and lifestyle: they can be the direct cause of low desire. Listen to yourself: are you depressed or has some past trauma activated in your current life? The first order of business in such a situation is to take care of your mental health through therapy, for example, because low desire is just a symptom of wider suffering.

If low self-esteem is your particular poison, you don't have to settle to being unhappy with who you are. You can start belly-dancing or whatever helps you reconnect with your body. It's good to try out sexual councelling and therapy, too.

13) Is it worth it, trying to improve your sex life?
Everyone is worth sexual pleasure. All adults have the right to an active sex life. At it's best and brightest moments, sex serves as the glue that keeps the couple together. Why not give into some fun once in a while? Good sex gives you unbelievable amounts of strenght.
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  #318  
Old 05-06-2012, 03:42 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default PERSONAL: Random

I'm eating cheese crackers with chopsticks. I read somewhere that if you use chopsticks to pick up the crackers from the bag, you won't eat too many. Too bad I'm good with chopsticks.

I also invested in some porn yesterday on my campaign "I want to want more"! It was okay, a bit boring but I didn't fall asleep. Maybe I can fast-forwards the videos somehow? Do I have a shorter-than-average attention span?

Tomorrow we are going to plant some herbs with Vanilla and have sex, in that order. Herbs shouldn't take that long, so even if I'm not home before 10 pm, we should still have time for the planting and sex even if I have to go to sleep at midnight the latest.

This week is also our anniversary, I try to get off work early for celebrations!

Vanilla just got to know that one of Chip's gfs has committed suicide. She seemed very happy and chipper the one time they met with Vanilla. I've read that people who have decided to kill themselves may appear very content and energetic right before they do the deed. I'm a bit afraid for Vanilla to slip too much into the mood, especially if she takes in a lot of Chip's pain. She has enough to deal with, with her own depression and all.

I've had a great weekend working, foruming, meeting friends and lounging about in my empty apt SANS cats! Woohoo! I've even managed to get some modest decluttering done. I desperately need to get this one project application done, but it's not even midnight yet, so absolutely no rush .

On times like these, I really miss living with Flattie. When things were really bad with Vanilla, I asked Flattie if we could rent a shared apt for the summer, and she said sure, whatever you need. I love her *kiss kiss munch munch*. Her bunnie was a filthy little bugger but at least he didn't try to eat my food off the plate.
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  #319  
Old 05-06-2012, 08:52 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I'm eating cheese crackers with chopsticks. I read somewhere that if you use chopsticks to pick up the crackers from the bag, you won't eat too many. Too bad I'm good with chopsticks.

I also invested in some porn yesterday on my campaign "I want to want more"! It was okay, a bit boring but I didn't fall asleep. Maybe I can fast-forwards the videos somehow? Do I have a shorter-than-average attention span?
I have never heard about the chopstick thing! I really don't think it would work for me either, but it's an interesting idea.

As for the wanting to want more thing, I've noticed that porn (video porn) does NOT do it for me, but erotic novels or short stories do. I think while reading a story, I can more easily picture myself in the scenario which to me is much more exciting than flat-out watching other people. Just a thought.
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  #320  
Old 05-06-2012, 09:18 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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I have never heard about the chopstick thing! I really don't think it would work for me either, but it's an interesting idea.
Now you made me crave some crackers !!!11

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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
As for the wanting to want more thing, I've noticed that porn (video porn) does NOT do it for me, but erotic novels or short stories do. I think while reading a story, I can more easily picture myself in the scenario which to me is much more exciting than flat-out watching other people. Just a thought.
A good thought. I think I mostly enjoy the aesthetics too much to really get turned on. Like, I have a problem imaging super-pretty people have sex. And all the porn I watch is about blindingly beautiful Eastern European women with long hair and limbs caressing each other tenderly (not really, but you get the idea). If it were written down I wouldn't get too distracted by how beautiful the cinematography is.

I used to be into reading fanfics quite a bit. Maybe I should look back into that.
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