Overnights at our house - what is reasonable?

KaijuPanda

New member
Hi all, I just joined this site today but I've been lurking and reading a lot of posts recently. Lots to process. My bf of 7 years and I have recently jumped into the non-monogamy waters, and I think so far it's going pretty well. I learned I was asexual several months ago, which is what prompted me to suggest looking into poly. I think he's really wired that way anyhow, so he was excited to try it. For the moment, he's really the only one meeting new people, but I'm free to do so as well, of course. We've been reading a lot, talking a lot, and trying to do this right from the start.

A hypothetical has come up, though, which we are having trouble agreeing on. He brought up the idea of overnights in general, and I think I'm okay with him spending the night elsewhere as long as he texts me so I'm mentally prepared to be alone in the morning. But then he asked about bringing a date home to our house to spend the night. I really balked at that idea. I'm fine (hypothetically, at least!) with him having a planned overnight at our house with someone he's been seeing, but for reasons I can't quite hash out, the idea of him bringing a date home on the 1st or 2nd date because it's the nicest or most convenient option is not cool.

We're not really into the idea of hierarchy, and I don't need to vett potential partners or even feel that they're "serious" for him to have overnights generally. But this idea that he might go out on a date and, unplanned, come home later (when I might be home) with a stranger to shag in our guest room and then have coffee in our kitchen in the morning just doesn't sit well with me. So I wanted to ask more experienced folks what a reasonable, ethical solution to this looks like. I don't want to get railroaded by "respect each relationship", but I really do want to respect each relationship and not insert myself between him and another person. Is he asking for too much too quickly, or is this just a thing I need to wrap my brain around?

A couple things he's mentioned which partly inspired the hypothetical question: Apparently several poly people he's been interested in on OKCupid have specified that overnights at either residence need to be okay, and he thinks a potential thing he had with someone (a few dates) petered out because he wasn't able to spend the night her and she really wanted that (at that point we hadn't discussed any sort of overnight agreements).

Thanks so much for any advice!
 
Three months ago I would have answered this question differently. After dating a girl who lives in a poly household I have changed my mind completely. I used to be very posessive. Under no circumstances did I want another guy in my bed or sitting on my couch watching my tv, etc.

But then I saw the other side of the spectrum. Everybody has their own room. They all have schedules. If they bring someone home it is fine. They have their own rooms.

How would you feel if you started dating a guy and you couldn't go to his place because of his gf, and you can't go to yours because you made this rule?

Of course, do what you are comfortable with. I'm just a proponent of being totally open.
 
Hubby and I have had a rule since we opened our marriage that no other partners will come to our home. Originally, that included even platonic visits. Hubby says now that he's fine if I bring someone over to hang out for a bit as long as sex doesn't happen.

I honestly prefer *not* bringing anyone to our place, though, regardless of the reason. Since I'm the only one who ever even attempts to clean, the place is usually a mess, and one of the reasons I see other people, albeit a small reason, is to get out of the house. And the bit about not having sex with anyone else here was my idea initially, because it just plain felt wrong to have sex with someone other than Hubby in the home I share with Hubby, who pays for it all.

So if a guy isn't able or willing to bring me to his place, I don't waste time meeting him. And I won't get involved with a guy who has a live-in partner in any case, even if she were okay with me going over there. I generally won't get involved with guys who have other partners at all; Woody just kind of happened. (I didn't know his entire relationship situation until *after* we transitioned from platonic to relationship. Lesson learned on that.)
 
How would you feel if you started dating a guy and you couldn't go to his place because of his gf, and you can't go to yours because you made this rule?

Of course, do what you are comfortable with. I'm just a proponent of being totally open.

No it's a good point. I would want to be able to go to my house. And while I've never been one to have sex on a first (or second) date, I have certainly had first dates where we ended up spending hours with each other, sometimes ending up at one of our homes.

Perhaps it's as simple as being a little possessive/territorial and maybe being a little prudishness around casual sex... But I haven't minded when he's slept with people so far, it just hasn't been right under my nose. Something for me to think about.

Thanks very much for your thoughts :)
 
Perhaps it's as simple as being a little possessive/territorial and maybe being a little prudishness around casual sex... But I haven't minded when he's slept with people so far, it just hasn't been right under my nose. Something for me to think about.

I think territoriality does lead to jelousy sometimes, however a need for some privacy is really ok. You need to feel home at home.
But if you don't mind overnights if known in advance, you can try if you are comfortable to expect that someone comes over when your partner has a date. Perhaps asking him to give you a phone call if that they are on their way to your place may help.
 
A hypothetical has come up, though, which we are having trouble agreeing on. He brought up the idea of overnights in general, and I think I'm okay with him spending the night elsewhere as long as he texts me so I'm mentally prepared to be alone in the morning. But then he asked about bringing a date home to our house to spend the night. I really balked at that idea. I'm fine (hypothetically, at least!) with him having a planned overnight at our house with someone he's been seeing, but for reasons I can't quite hash out, the idea of him bringing a date home on the 1st or 2nd date because it's the nicest or most convenient option is not cool.

I think there is no need to ever accept overnights in your home in general or unplanned overnights especially. If you decide to accept overnight guests in your house, I think it is very reasonable to start with planned ones with a bit more established partners than 1st or 2nd date. Those very first times your bf and his new potential can plan to have somewhere else - either the other person's home or even a hotel if needed.

It is understandable that your bf would eventually want that kind of freedom - but then again, it is home too. You need to feel comfortable in your own place.
 
I would not be comfortable with my partner bringing someone home, spur of the moment or otherwise. Perhaps if we were in a bigger place - but even then, I think it's totally reasonable to expect for that to only be okay with a partner if they are on good terms or have an independent friendship with your date. For someone you've just started seeing? Second or third date? No way. I live with my partner. She is not my flatmate. If I wanted a flat share where I could reasonably expect to wake up and share a coffee with my flatmates and their dates, then that's what I would have chosen to do. I love having the privacy that comes with sharing a home with my partner. If I get up in the middle of the night to pee, I don't want to worry about making sure I cover up so as not to have some random stranger see me naked. So for me, I can only imagine being happy with her bringing someone home if I feel sufficiently comfortable with that person that I don't have qualms about them seeing me pre- first cup of tea, or with bed head, or with the house being a tip, or whatever. It's not a question of hierarchy, it's just what I require to feel like my house is a home and not just a place to sleep. Fortunately we are on the same wavelength about that, so it's not an issue.

You've indicated that you might be alright with it if it's planned in advance. I think that's a very workable boundary, that shouldn't unduly limit his adventures. He's a grown man, not a teenager. He can handle a little advanced planning about where he sleeps and with whom, surely?
 
I totally get feeling uncomfortable about the unplanned overnight thing. I wouldn't want to wake up in the morning and, surprise!!!, there's a total stranger in my kitchen :eek: Doesn't matter whether they had sex with my husband last night or not - it would still feel weird!

I wonder if the folks on okc who require that overnights be ok at either house are kind of ... Using that as a test for how on board everyone is with poly??? Otherwise... If they can bring someone home, why is it super important to have overnights at a partner's house? :confused:

Personally I think that "planned overnights here are ok once everyone has met fully clothed" is a very reasonable policy.
 
Hubby isn't comfortable with unplanned overnights, even after Boy being around for a couple of years. He needs to know what to expect in his own home, and I think that's fine. He always knows at least 24 hours in advance, unless it's a group activity where drinking or something becomes involved and Boy literally CAN'T safely leave. Then there is the warning that Hubby and Boy have chosen to engage in that activity, so Hubby knows Boy will be staying.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to need to know in advance. It's a comfort level thing. And there are some things that I do at home that I wouldn't do if Hubby had a guest over - like going to get a drink of water in the middle of the night naked. I would definitely put clothes on (or at least a robe) if someone I don't know that well is going to be around. I may also choose to have music playing or the computer (we share a laptop) in my room so that I don't overhear anything I'm not in the mood to hear.
 
I'm with the other posters here.

Jack stays over fairly frequently due to the long distance nature of our relationship, but Roger knows about it in advance (usually a few weeks, though I'm sure a day would be fine).

I'm okay with Taylor staying over, but she hasn't. I don't think she's comfortable with that (despite my invitations).

We've got a decent sized place, so there's a good deal of privacy.

I'm not sure how comfortable I'd feel about Roger bringing home people he's just met, but then again, I'm less comfortable with the idea of casual sex. That's on me, and if it were something Roger were interested in, I'd work to get better at that. Nevertheless, I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with unplanned overnights. I need time to get in that mindset.
 
The only time Murf spends the night here is Christmas eve.

Butch needs his home to be a safe zone.
 
There was a member here who used to say something to the effect of, "If my wife thinks she can tell me whom I can or cannot invite/bring to my own home, she can go live somewhere else," and another member who was fine with her husband bringing home dates but had explicit rules about it - her room, bed, and pillow were off-limits and no one was allowed to try on her shoes or clothes (apparently, someone he dated had done that!). There is a large range of different types of agreements and arrangements that people make about these things, and all are acceptable... to someone. The question is what is acceptable to you?

It's a personal thing, and you'll need to figure out what's comfortable for you in your own space.

As an aside, your thread made me think of the old sitcom 'Frasier.' He lived with his father and housekeeper Daphne, while his brother was always popping over, and he would often have a girlfriend or one-night-stand stay over. When his father and Daphne were also dating, everybody and their latest love interest would be in their bathrobes at the breakfast table in the morning!
 
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Your home is your sanctuary and you have every right to have that space be comfortable and inviting. If having other people over would interfere with your comfort in your own home, then they can find somewhere else to shag. Not just on the first couple dates, but throughout their entire relationship.

I've been dating my gf for 4 years in January and I've never spent the night at her place while her husband was home, nor has she spent the night at mine when mine was home. We've all hung out cordially plenty of times, but we went to our respective homes at the end of the day.

I was dating a guy for a while and I asked my husband if he minded if the guy came over for beers and campfire. He got really uncomfortable but didn't want to put restrictions on me and wouldn't say no outright, but I could tell that's what he wanted. I respected his comfort in his own home and told the guy we'd have to hang out at his place. It was no big deal.

For me and my husband, and for my gf and her husband, it's not a "rule" that partners can't sleep over. It's just acknowledging the sanctity of another person's home and behaving in a way that's respectful and considerate.
 
Personally, I wouldn't want anyone in my house that was a stranger to me. Yes, it is the boys' house too - BUT...

So, compromise happens - if the boys invite someone over :eek:, I can lock myself in the bedroom and climb out the window to pee in woods if I have to, as long as it doesn't happen all that often. I am not expected to play "hostess". If it happens more often than I can handle? I would offer to pay for a hotel for them (until we have saved enough for Dude to have his own addition).
 
Hi KaijuPanda,

Re (from OP):
"I'm fine with him having a *planned* overnight at our house with someone he's been seeing ..."

That sounds reasonable to me. No need for you to have a surprise guest in your home.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I totally get feeling uncomfortable about the unplanned overnight thing. I wouldn't want to wake up in the morning and, surprise!!!, there's a total stranger in my kitchen :eek: Doesn't matter whether they had sex with my husband last night or not - it would still feel weird!

I wonder if the folks on okc who require that overnights be ok at either house are kind of ... Using that as a test for how on board everyone is with poly??? Otherwise... If they can bring someone home, why is it super important to have overnights at a partner's house? :confused:

Personally I think that "planned overnights here are ok once everyone has met fully clothed" is a very reasonable policy.

I was wondering the same about the OKC folks, otherwise it seems like a rather high bar - especially after reading the responses here. Being new to this, I wasn't sure if that level of openness was common with more experienced poly folks, but it appears that's not necessarily the case at all.
 
So, KP, did you work something out with your partner that both of you can live with? The curious among us need an update! :D

Haha, yes! I came back now to update. Thank you everyone for the responses, it was so so helpful to see the various arrangements people have. And it was valuable feedback for me to keep tabs on my own boundaries. I'm definitely prone to acquiesce to keep a partner happy, and it definitely seems like in poly that will not work (well, it should never be my m.o. - working on it!).

We ended up talking this all over for several hours, which of course turned into a much larger discussion. We realized that we had never really spelled out what our ideal relationship is, now that it's not simply "married with a dog and a house in the country" or whatever ;) That was making things difficult, because if our pictures of possible futures don't mesh, we won't agree on "eventually I'd like to..." questions like this overnight thing. So that's something for us to keep talking and thinking about.

As for the immediate question, we actually agreed to no overnights at all for now, unplanned or not. The more we talked and the more I explored my actual boundaries and what I was truly comfortable with, instead of what I was just saying "yes" to, I realized even a planned overnight was too much. We haven't even gotten to the "gf coming over to watch a movie" stage, for heaven's sake.

Thanks again, y'all are wonderful. I really value all these responses!
 
I'm definitely prone to acquiesce to keep a partner happy, and it definitely seems like in poly that will not work (well, it should never be my m.o. - working on it!

Keep it up! It took my mom 64 years to develop a backbone. When she finally did, I didn't even know how to handle it, I was just so used to being spoiled and always getting my way with her. It took me an additional 2 years to accept "no" from her, even though I had no trouble at all with every single other person in my life, to the point of actually reading when my husband said "yes" but meant "no" and forcing him to admit it. My point being, don't be surprised if some of the people in your life resist your attempts to assert yourself, and don't let them stop you!
 
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As for the immediate question, we actually agreed to no overnights at all for now, unplanned or not. The more we talked and the more I explored my actual boundaries and what I was truly comfortable with, instead of what I was just saying "yes" to, I realized even a planned overnight was too much. We haven't even gotten to the "gf coming over to watch a movie" stage, for heaven's sake.

One thing you may want to consider when you do have that convo is whether there's a difference in your head between a, hmm, late night visit and an actual overnight. We have a guest room, and our general policy tends to be bringing home partners for sex - especially after the partner who was not out that evening - is asleep though a heads-up text is preferred but not mandatory. On the other hand, a partner staying overnight and having to make conversation the next morning - and potentially hang out with our kid? Long term partners only. But that's all in the context of us being pretty sex/casual relations positive and is an arrangement that's taken a while for us to get to.
 
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