Unsure if this is normal behavior...

GeekonFleek

New member
So, I'm pretty new to Poly. My partner isn't. He has been poly for years, while I recently ended a mono marriage. My partner and I love each other. BUT. He found someone he is considering either as a play partner or a real partner. He hasn't decided yet. Which is cool. I was a bit jealous at first, but I moved past it and was happy that he found someone he clicked with.

He invited her over to our house so we could all hang out. It was to be a night for me to get to know her, and, as I know he hoped, for them to explore a little in the bedroom. Here's my concern... The entire night, a good five hours, he didn't touch me once. Not to pet my head as he often does, or squee, my hand, or offer a kiss. Not even in those moments when he and I were alone. Every moment was spent trying to get into her pants and basically fondling her on our couch while our other house member and I chatted. Because I'm new to this lifestyle, and I know I struggle hardcore with my self confidence, im not sure if this is something that is normal, to be ignored in front of a potential metamour, and im just being jealous; or if this is an actual issue that I should bring up to him. I dont want to make him feel bad or like he cant pursue other relationships. I guess I just felt shoved to the side with no reassurance. Again, if it's just my own inadequacy issues coming to the fore, I completely get it and will work on it. I just figured it would be a good idea to ask for advice.
 
Hi GeekonFleek!

im not sure if this is something that is normal, to be ignored in front of a potential metamour, and im just being jealous; or if this is an actual issue that I should bring up to him.

This is something that varies from person to person—there’s definitely no ‘poly standard’ about how to act when you have more than one partner present.

If I were in your place, I’d definitely start a conversation with my partner, and find out why he was acting that way, and explain how I was feeling, and ask for that reassurance. Was he just super focused on this new person and didn’t feel like he had the bandwidth to check in with you as well? If so, it might be better for him to hang out with his partners separately from now on, so they all get the attention they need. Was he worried that displaying affection to you would be a turn-off for the new person? Hopefully she is fully aware of the poly situation she’s getting into! And of course it’s possible that he was just swept up in his enthusiasm and honestly forgot to check in with you, too. New relationship energy is a powerful thing, and people often do things they regret ‘under the influence.’

Short answer, this is not something you should be expected to tolerate!
 
I'd say there are 2 broad ways to view this.

Some people would think that as his live-inn partner, you have the opportunity for far more than 5 hours of undivided attention so it is a little selfish of you to take the 5 hours he has given someone else and want a part of that too. Some would say that's your "couple's privilege" speaking because you feel that he has to show that you're important at all times even though you obviously have the security of entanglement like your home.

Others would say that he should actively work to reassure his "primary" partner who will be (potentially) threatened by this new arrival. They might also say that's it is a good way of showing the new arrival that your relationship requires respect from her if she wants to stick around. It's a good "test" to see how compatible she really is with polyamory. But then some people would counter that by saying the need for reassurance and attention during your partner and the new person's date shows an incompatibility with polyamory on your behalf.

Will anyone ask her what her preferences are for PDAs? She might be highly uncomfortable watching you be affectionate to each other and vote for nobody kissing or touching in front of each other. Maybe not doing these group get togethers are the best idea. Unless it's for a specific event like a birthday. Maybe keep dates between the people dating and everyone else give them the space to do that.

Is there an element of wanting to keep her in her place or to demonstrate your place in his life?
 
He found someone he is considering either as a play partner or a real partner. He hasn't decided yet.


If he is still considering, then why is this exploration going on in your home? Why is he bringing you into all of this right now? Why do you and she have to get to know each other so early on? Why are you asked to be in on the courting?
 
I'm not entirely new to poly (about five and a half years in), but I still feel very uncomfortable seeing my partner showing any kind of physical affection to any of my metamours. Jealousy and insecurity probably play a role, but it has a lot more to do with my upbringing, in which it simply wasn't okay to see other people even hug or kiss, let alone anything else. When my partner is physically affectionate to someone else in front of me, I feel like a creepy peeping tom.

I'm not as uncomfortable if my partner shows physical affection to me when one of his other partners is present...as long as the physical affection is something they would do in public, like hugging or a brief kiss. I'm an exhibitionist by nature, but I would be seriously pissed if my partner were making out with me or groping me in front of any of his--or my--other partners. And I'm still somewhat uncomfortable even with the G-rated physical affection in front of metamours, because I don't want *them* to feel the way *I* feel when I'm the one seeing it rather than the one experiencing it.

Generally I prefer not being around my metamours at all. Their time with our shared partner is *their* time; my time with the shared partner is *my* time. I don't see any reason, need, or logic for those times to cross.

So if my partner said, "You and my other partner are both going to be here, because I'd like you to get to know her," first of all I would probably say no and just stay home. (The partner I live with, my husband, is monogamous, and I don't bring other partners to our home because it feels awkward to me, so there's no issue with someone invading space as happened in the OP.) In the unlikely event that I did go to spend time with my partner and a metamour, if my partner focused all of his attention and physical affection on my metamour and didn't show any to me, I would be seriously pissed off. I'm not furniture or a decoration; if I'm present, and you ignore me entirely, you're probably going to find I won't be present with you anymore.

My boyfriend, in my opinion, does an excellent job of balancing attention and affection when more than one of his partners is present. It's happened several times at public events or at get-togethers at his house where he's invited a number of people. He makes a strong effort to interact with and give individual attention to any of his partners--or close friends, for that matter--who are there, to try to help everyone feel like they're being included and cared about.

To me, with the OP, it doesn't matter if it was his time "with her." He was physically present with TWO of his partners, and chose to only be emotionally present with ONE. It isn't, in my opinion, couple's privilege if the hinge says, "Hey, honey, I want you to be part of this evening with my new partner so you and she can get to know each other," and then proceeds to only show affection to the new partner and ignore the "old" partner entirely, and the existing partner gets upset. That isn't couple's privilege. That's feeling left out and disrespected. It would be couple's privilege if she barged in on their date and expected his attention, or if she wanted *more* attention from him than usual in front of the new partner. Simply wanting him to treat her *as usual* when *he* has asked her to be present doesn't sound like couple's privilege to me.

As sunray said, if your partner isn't able to balance his attention and affection between two partners, it's probably best if he sticks to seeing each partner separately.
 
I didn't get that from the OP. The way I read it, there *is* no "normal" dating routine; it sounds to me like this is the first time her partner has had another partner since they've been together. And the sentence "He invited her to our house so we could all hang out" sounds *to me* like it was his idea, not "the couple's" idea.

I'm also not seeing anything in the OP that indicates she expected to be the *central* figure, only that she was hurt that her partner didn't give her *any* affection at all. Like I said, wanting your partner to treat you as usual in front of another partner doesn't seem couple's privilege-y to me, it just seems like wanting to be treated as usual. There's a fine line between "I'm going to be focused on my other partner, but I won't ignore you," and "I'm going to be focused on my other partner and make a concerted effort *not* to touch you or anything even though usually I would." She states that he didn't even show her any physical affection when they were *alone*, which sounds to me like he completely changed his behavior toward her even when the other partner wasn't in the same physical space.

I'm not disputing your interpretation, simply explaining my own. Hopefully the OP will come back and clarify whether she and her partner *together* decided his new partner should come over, and whether this is part of a routine or something new, as well as what her hopes and expectations actually were.

And I think it might be beneficial for the OP and her partner to have a discussion about what each of them wants, needs, and expects if he brings another partner to their home, so they're on the same page about it and she's prepared for him behaving differently toward her than he would if no one else was there.
 
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I didn't get that from the OP. The way I read it, there *is* no "normal" dating routine; it sounds to me like this is the first time her partner has had another partner since they've been together. And the sentence "He invited her to our house so we could all hang out" sounds *to me* like it was his idea, not "the couple's" idea.

I'm also not seeing anything in the OP that indicates she expected to be the *central* figure, only that she was hurt that her partner didn't give her *any* affection at all. Like I said, wanting your partner to treat you as usual in front of another partner doesn't seem couple's privilege-y to me, it just seems like wanting to be treated as usual. There's a fine line between "I'm going to be focused on my other partner, but I won't ignore you," and "I'm going to be focused on my other partner and make a concerted effort *not* to touch you or anything even though usually I would."

I'm not disputing your interpretation, simply explaining my own. Hopefully the OP will come back and clarify whether she and her partner *together* decided his new partner should come over, and whether this is part of a routine or something new, as well as what her hopes and expectations actually were.

Ditto on the not disputing.

"It was to be a night for me to get to know her"

It's this that leads me to believe the couple had plans for the OP to be a central figure.
 
I suggest you talk to your partner about realistic expectations and consent.

I don't mind if DH takes a lover. I do mind if I walk into the house with a trail of kids and they are right there at it on the kitchen table. Kinda rude. Common rooms are common rooms. Anyone could wander in there.

This is like that to me -- him on the make trying to get in her pants in the LR with you and housemate there? Did he ask consent from each of you to be sure you all wanted to voyeur? Or was it an unasked for spectacle you had to witness? Sounds kinda yucky to me if it was unasked for spectacle.

When he himself doesn't know what he wants -- gf or play partner or what -- why do you have to be there or be involved at this time? Seems premature to me.

I would not care know. Like... tell me when it becomes something. That is news. Potentials? See whoever but I don't need details. Not all of those are going pan out. So why bother me until it becomes something? I value my free time. "Hi. Meet my steady dating partner." Ok. That's fine and that's news. Maybe consider what "news" is to you? And let him know when to share and when it's just too early.

If this was supposed to be a "meet and greet" where you and her get acquainted a bit? I don't know why is has to be you hanging with them for 5 hours in your house. That's kinda long. And what if they are boring and you don't care for their company? Isn't a 20 - 30 min coffee at a bookstore enough for "make nice" for your shared partner's sake? Then they can move on to dinner date or whatever else and come back to her bedroom or his bedroom.

And you can go on to your own plans and not be around watching stuff you don't want to watch.

Every moment was spent trying to get into her pants and basically fondling her on our couch while our other house member and I chatted.

I would find that off putting. I thought the plan was to explore a little in the bedroom? Well... GO. And close the door.

He may be poly for years, but he's not poly for years with YOU. Speak up. Sort things out, make him aware of your preferences, boundaries, etc. Participate in how you want this relationship to go.

Galagirl
 
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Hello GeekonFleek,

It sounds like your partner is/was all caught up in his NRE for the new woman. Like, when she's around, he doesn't even think about you. He just wants his hands to be on her, that's all he can think about. If I were you, I would have a talk with him, explaining to him that you felt left out and that you would like him to give you some of the attention. And if he can't do that, then, like the others are saying, he should not expect you to be around when she is around. Your time and her time should be kept separate. That way when he's with you, his mind (and body) won't be all caught up thinking about her, you'll have his attention.

But maybe he can handle balancing his partners' needs when they're around each other, maybe he just needs a reminder. It's really up to you whether you want to give him a second chance. If you do, make sure you have that talk with him first. Then, make sure he agrees to do better next time, and keep an eye on whether he remains true to his word.

FWIW, the way he was acting this last time was not all that unusual, people do that sometimes when they're high on NRE. I'm not sure I want to call it "normal," but "not unusual" would be a good way to describe it. What's important is how you respond to the behavior, and how he responds to what you have to say. Don't give him a "free pass" just because he is "experienced with poly." Experienced polys are perfectly capable of doing wrong things, and newbies are perfectly capable of calling them on it. Stand up for your rights as his partner, hell just as a human being, right?

Hopefully the posts on this thread have been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This reply is in response to GeekonFleek, but equally just a contribution to the general conversation and all who are present.

Unless there is a very good reason for it, I consider it inconsiderate for anyone in a group of friends, a group of friends mixed with acquaintances, etc., for anyone to be treated to any kind of significant imbalance of attention. This includes conversation, of course. (I also think it is the obligation of everyone in the room to notice when this is happening and lend support to anyone being neglected overly much.) Not so long ago -- for example -- my partner invited me to hang out with himself and an old friend whom I barely knew at a coffee shop. I agreed. The old friend barely glanced at me unless I managed to break in to their little dyad with a comment or question. I had to carve out any piece of the conversation I wanted against the old friend's will. My partner tolerated this situation, and it went on so long that at some point I gave serious consideration to getting up and walking out. Both my partner and the old friend were pretty much ignoring me, and not allowing me to participate in the conversation. I may as well have not been in the room.

I think my partner should not have contributed to this situation by being so passive and somewhat oblivious about what was going on.

I'd have no problem if my partner was physically affectionate with anyone whom he wants to be in my presence. But if he did this while obliviously leaving me out... as in the situation you described GeekonFleek, I'd probably be hurt. And I think it's appropriate to be hurt in a situation of this kind.

I'd also like to agree with Fallen Angelena. In most cases, overwhelmingly, it's best for a partner to explore getting to know a potential new partner away from that partner's home and partner. There are exceptions. Some folks are just that open socially, and would have no problem with a situation like that. But that's not most folks, and folks have a right to be treated with sensitivity and kindness. It is usually not sensitive or kind to involve one's partner or spouse in such explorations. It is good and natural, though, for some folks anyway, to eventually introduce the new girlfriend / boyfriend (or whatever). It depends on folks personal preferences, there. And you have a right to your preference.

I'd encourage you, GeekonFleek, to practice being honest and expressive of your needs, feelings and preferences. You have a right to these. And you have a right to express them.

Edit:

I'm going to start a whole new thread on Etiquette. I think it would do us all some good to discuss that topic some.
 
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