Falling For a 3rd Guy... What To Do??

paramour

New member
So I'm rather new to the poly scene and I'm at an impasse... I've been with two guys, not even fully realized as poly, and I am now falling for a third guy.

I had a bf whom I was mono with for a bit and then we opened up the relationship. That is when I fell in love with a friend/lover of mine of five years. We then became a rather shaky V. Neither of them is primary or secondary... I wanted to try this out for my own to see if this is what I wanted. I'm still figuring all of this out and realize how I probably am not handling this in the best way at all.

BUT we were still open and I ended up being the one not having sex outside of the relationships, so I decided to go looking for someone and found him... My current lover outside of my relationships. We have been developing a pretty good relationship as friends, and neither of us can help falling for each other! Not to mention, I feel he would be the best material so far to be in a poly relationship and he has really opened me up to many things that I had never explored before.

I'm so so scared and lost... I can't lose any of these amazing people in my life, but I feel it would be so taxing on me to be in the middle of three guys, nor would it be fair to them. I'm at such a loss and I just want to know what some of you polys would do in this situation or if you have experienced it before.
 
If these guys know that you've embraced polyamory, know that they are not the only guys you are seeing, and have consented to be involved in a poly dynamic... why would you assume that it would not be fair to them for you to have a third lover? :confused:

Have you asked them what they think would be fair?
 
Thank you for the reply! I was just reading the "How Many Is Too Many" thread haha. Well, I know the third guy doesn't want to date me if he's the third guy coming into this situation... But I guess I haven't explained it to him that he wouldn't be third best or anything lesser. I do have to say that I haven't asked my other partners what they think specifically is fair! How about that.
 
Yes he does know about them and he has actually met them both on one occasion each separately. He has never considered polyamory before actually, but I have asked him if he has thought about it being a possibility and he confirmed that it may work for him. Yet, I'll admit I haven't gone into too much detail with him about being in a poly relationship since we don't know what our relationship status is past friendship right now.
 
Hi paramour,

I think you are going to have to make a difficult decision about how many partners *you* can juggle without shortchanging anyone: two, or three?

In your shoes I suppose the way I'd look at it is not that there is a limit of how many partners I can have, but rather, a limit to how much depth each relationship can have on average if I keep on adding partners. Sure, love is an abundant resource, but time and energy are limited resources. If I spread myself too thin, then one or more of my relationships is going to have to be a relatively casual relationship. I won't be able to see that person as often or for as long per visit.

Perhaps you should sit down with all three guys and ask them how they feel about it. Would you mind, by the way, if one or more of them sought out a second girlfriend? How about a second and a third girlfriend?

Don't make any decisions quickly. Take some time to sort it all out. And keep us posted here so that we may continue to try and help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin, thanks very much for your reply :) I know communication with all of them to a greater extent is important. I definitely feel the same way about the situation on the extent of these relationships depending on how much time and effort I can put into them. I have just graduated from college and I need to start my career path, so I have made a decision that I need to focus on my own path and my own well-being first so I can be as capable as I can to put the best I can into my relationships.

At the same time, I don't want them to feel abandoned. I'm thinking a valid solution so everyone can get their bearings and focus on what they want and themselves, is to have a break of sorts for an indeterminate amount of time. Is it often poly relationships will employ these types of breaks? I think it's easier to focus on yourself when you aren't in a situation where you are obligated to a partner or more.

I actually encourage and want all of my partners to seek others, yet they are either not successful or don't seek out other relationships. My boyfriends all say they are ok with me having multiple partners, yet of course everyone is a bit afraid, especially my third guy, of being shortchanged.

Currently, I haven't gotten much more than an "I don't know" from my third man when approached with the prospect of polyamory. Yet, he has made it clear he wants to date.
 
I know communication with all of them to a greater extent is important. I definitely feel the same way about the situation on the extent of these relationships depending on how much time and effort I can put into them. I have just graduated from college and I need to start my career path, so I have made a decision that I need to focus on my own path and my own well-being first so I can be as capable as I can to put the best I can into my relationships.

At the same time, I don't want them to feel abandoned. I'm thinking a valid solution so everyone can get their bearings and focus on what they want and themselves, is to have a break of sorts for an indeterminate amount of time. Is it often poly relationships will employ these types of breaks? I think it's easier to focus on yourself when you aren't in a situation where you are obligated to a partner or more.

I actually encourage and want all of my partners to seek others, yet they are either not successful or don't seek out other relationships. My boyfriends all say they are ok with me having multiple partners, yet of course everyone is a bit afraid, especially my third guy, of being shortchanged.

Currently, I haven't gotten much more than an "I don't know" from my third man when approached with the prospect of polyamory. Yet, he has made it clear he wants to date.

I'd say, if you are focused on your career right now, be honest with all these men. Tell them, "I need to focus on my career right now." You assess for yourself, how much time and energy you have in the week or month to date. You would have to do this too if you were only in relationship with one person. Then be honest with each guy about how much he can expect to get from you. If he feels "abandoned," well, that is his emotion to deal with.

3 may well be too much to juggle. I have had lovers who are only available once a month, with maybe a few texts in the interim. If that is you, just be honest and say so! You put you first. Many people who are extremely busy (work, school, kids, caring for an older parent, etc) can and do date, but have to keep it to a minimum of X times a month. Only you can decide that. Don't promise what you realistically can not deliver.

Some people who are new to poly get what I call "kid in a candy store-itis." "All these men who want me! How exciting. Must have all of them, now!" But you're right, it isn't fair to your partners for you to spread yourself too thin. If that means limiting yourself to only one, or two partners, or none, as opposed to three, you need to make a hard decision. That is called being responsible.

Later when your career is established, you might have time for one or two serious relationships and maybe one or two more casual ones. You keep assessing realistically what you (and your partners) can handle.

I have been on the receiving end of a partner who thought he could handle being in simultaneous relationships with his wife, with me, with my gf, and then also with a newbie poly married MF couple with lots of jealousy issues. When he wasn't with one (or two) of the five of us, he was chatting and flirting online with others as well. He just did what felt good and exciting to himself in the moment. His partners' feelings, desires and needs were of no matter to him. Or very little. He had no empathy to anyone feeling shortchanged. We were all just supposed to wait patiently for our turn. I told him I felt like I was just one of a pussy parade.

Don't be like that guy. I broke up with him because he wouldn't control himself. He was a NRE junkie.

Personally I feel "poly-saturated" with 2 partners. 3 tops, if one of those relationships is fairly casual, and/or long distance.

As far as what your partners can do if they feel they aren't getting their needs met being in relationship with a busy person like you, that is up to them. You seem to think if they would just go poly like you, they would find another woman who could help fill their need bucket. But it is their choice. If they are mono, but want you, they may not WANT another woman, and would have to meet their needs for sex and companionship in other ways, namely masturbation (porn if desired), and platonic friends. You can only tell them you are fine with them having another partner. It is then their choice to pursue that, or stay with you and know they won't get much of you, or break up with you.
 
Re (from paramour):
"I'm thinking a valid solution so everyone can get their bearings and focus on what they want and themselves, is to have a break of sorts for an indeterminate amount of time. Is it often poly relationships will employ these types of breaks? I think it's easier to focus on yourself when you aren't in a situation where you are obligated to a partner or more."

I don't know whether "often" is the word for it. I've certainly heard of people taking breaks, and I've been known to advise taking breaks when the circumstances are strained.

Whatever you decide to do, consult the three guys first. They should at least be consulted about something that will affect them.
 
Hi paramour,

You raise a logical question and I see why you are concerned.

I really do think that everyone has a different saturation point. It also depends on what kind of relationships you want and what's going on in your life other than relationships.

For instance, I like deep relationships, and I prefer not to date more than two people at a time (my long-term GF + one other). However, I like time alone and like to focus on hobbies, work, other things. Sometimes I even struggle to get enough alone time when I'm in ONE relationship (with my GF), let alone TWO. This is the point that feels most comfortable for me.

My GF has three relationships. She has her husband, me, and a boyfriend. We're all serious to her, and all three are deep relationships.

Does it work for her (and all of us) to have three relationships?

Well, yes and no. GF feels overstretched often. Also, if more than one of us are having problems with her at once, she gets overburdened easily. Realistically, someone always gets 'shortchanged'. It might be that she doesn't see her boyfriend for two weeks because she has a lot of family stuff going on with myself and her husband. It might be that her hubby gets left out because GF + I take lots of business trips together. It might be that I get disgruntled because GF spends every night texting her boyfriend.

Despite this, GF is still open to adding more people. Like you, she was wary of this, but she's the kind of person who won't (and doesn't want to) shut herself down to polyfidelity, or to stop getting to know new potential play partners. To her credit, the last time she met someone she liked, she handled this very well. Here's what she did:

She talked to all three of us about it. She asked if we would have any issue with it. She asked what our specific concerns might be. She then took it VERY slowly with the new guy. She was also honest with the new guy and told him she didn't know if she could add a fourth partner. She considered her time restraints very realistically and figured out that she could probably add a new play partner once or twice a month, with minor texting in between.

I share this with you in the hopes that it helps give you some points to consider :)

The bottom line is that I think 'how much is too much' depends on:
1. What YOU can manage (time, energy, money, attention)
2. What your partners will lose or be concerned about, if anything
3. Whether your existing relationships are currently STABLE
4. Whether the new person would be happy with what you can offer
5. Whether you can communicate well and have the relationship skills needed to balance X number of different relationships effectively
 
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