Poly and aspergers syndrome

copperhead

New member
Hi, I'm new to this forum and poly too. I've been reading a lot of threads here trying to find things applicable to my situation (and there's been a lot of helpful messages). One issue I still have is it looks like I have aspergers syndrome (where I live, you can still be diagnosed with it). I'm in the middle of diagnostic process (or whatever it should be called).

So… onto how this relates to polyamory. I've been in a relationship with Salamander (hope no-one has used that one yet) for little over a year and we've talked about polyamory right from the beginning. It has been clear that even though it's what ve both want, I still have some issues about it, so we have taken things slowly so far. (My issues are mainly related to loneliness and being left out. I'm working on it and he wants to help and support me in the prosess.)

About a week ago he met someone (lets call her Sunflower) and this on top of a million other stressful things in my life at the time triggered an aspergers meltdown in me. We talked about everything and I asked him to slow down for a bit, so that I could breathe and relax. He aggreed and talked with Sunflower if she was willing to wait or not, and she's willing. Now I really wnat to work this situation up. I feel bad for making them wait. I've read so much about insecurities and jealousy and everything someone new to poly could face and I still feel confused.

It seems that the biggest issue for me in poly is that it is new to me. I'm ok with so many things if I have time to prepare myself for it (I even imagined Salamander having sex with another woman, he was dating, and it turned me on… There is someone I love, and I'm happy for his marriage and that he has a really awesome wife). But this now… it all happened so fast that I freaked out.

I feel it is unfair to ask Salamander and Sunflower to take things slowly, but I really don't enjoy these meltdowns. Has enyone experienced anything like this? How did you manage? I feel like poly is my thing and it is something I want to do. And I want him to have the freedom he is able to give me. I'm willing to work on my issues, but it seems like my aspergers syndrome traits make things a lot harder than they would otherwise be.

(Also, english is not my mother tongue, so I apologize for any mistakes :) )
 
I feel it is unfair to ask Salamander and Sunflower to take things slowly
I'm willing to work on my issues
I want him to have the freedom he is able to give me.

It's up to him to submit to your request to "slow down" his relationship (if that's even possible). You do, however, have control over how you deal with your jealousy. If you want to work on your stuff and give him his freedom then work on your stuff and give him his freedom. It might not be easy... many things aren't, but that doesn't mean we should have other people take action in service to our own insecurity.

It sounds like you have come to a decision that you need to let go of his reigns and work on your own jealousy issues but haven't worked up the courage to actually let go yet.

Keep reading, seek therapy, remember that you are fully responsible for your own actions and emotions. You can do it!
 
It seems that the biggest issue for me in poly is that it is new to me. I'm ok with so many things if I have time to prepare myself for it (I even imagined Salamander having sex with another woman, he was dating, and it turned me on… There is someone I love, and I'm happy for his marriage and that he has a really awesome wife). But this now… it all happened so fast that I freaked out.

So it's "speed" for the main part? Not directly the Asperger's but that with Asperger's you would appreciate and would want more of a heads up/some time to digest first? So you can better weather change and avoid having meltdowns or minimize having them?

That's not unreasonable to ask, but it could be easier for each of them to do if you could pinpoint the triggers.

I feel it is unfair to ask Salamander and Sunflower to take things slowly

Could stop evaluating what is "fair" and "not fair" for them. Let them decide and speak for themselves. You already asked for a time out and they gave it. You seem to be asking now for a time to talk and sort out more specifics.

Your side of it is to ASK. So you could ASK. They each cannot mind reader you.

Each one can speak for themselves after hearing your requests.
  • "Yes, I am willing to meet your request at this time."
  • "No, I am not willing to met your request at this time."

Then you ALL can know what lines up right now and what does not line up and proceed from a place of full information. Finding data out is part of trying to negotiate. Could get ON with finding out what is doable/not doable with each individual at this point in time rather than not do this work because you are feeling timid about asking to even get the ball rolling.

Maybe it is more helpful in discussion to be specific: "Could you be willing to do ____ behavior for the next ___ weeks?" rather than general "slow down." Because what "slow down" means to you might mean something else to someone else and if you do not clarify that could end in misunderstandings.

Maybe it helps to read these together and discuss the page 5 & 6 things you might want to help with jealousy. Or more jealousy. Or how to handle poly hell. Because "Could you be willing to slow down long enough to read these articles together?" is also a measurable, doable thing.

Try to frame your requests for "slowing down" so the request lists behavior you would like to see. Then ask if they are willing to do it or not at this time.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Wow, it seems that both of you totally ignored my description of the situation and my question and autopiloted an answer to something else. I'm dissapointed. I hope to see replys that address my original question even in some way. Also any other comments on how hawing aspergers syndrome has affected your transition from mono to poly are welcome in this thread as I at least couldn't find a similar thread. (There is one about dating someone on the spectrum, though.)
 
Your guilt over asking them to slow down is contributing to your meltdown. Don't feel guilty for asking as long as you are working on things.

Aspergers and change don't do well at first :eek:. Are you getting what you need communication wise? Is your partner keeping you informed of schedules, plans, etc or do things just seem to happen last minute?

Do some "tag" searches, there is a lot of info on the board about making the transition.
 
Generally I think we communicate well. There is nothing we can't talk about and even when the subject is difficult we remain calm and listen and try to understand where the other one is coming from. With this insident though… not so much. He has a tendency to say things in a way that makes them sound a lot worse. For example now he meant to say that there's propably something happening, but he ended up saying that he is with someone (that he hadn't even expressed interest towards before). After I calmed down from that one, we talked (all three of us), but it seemed like every little thing just made me feel worse and worse until I asked to have time to properly relax and think things through. I really appreciate the fact that they aggreed to this.

Yes, it's guilt I'm feeling. For always being the difficult one and having to process everything more thoroughly. Once I came very near to having a meltdown because someone tried to get me to go to a beach I had never been to. Too many new things to process from that one too… So this is what I'm dealing with. I read the jealousy theory text, and I think I do feel jealous too, but that seems like something I know how to work with. But only way I know to handle new things is to take things slowly and do a lot of thinking (imagining all possible situations beforehand). And that means I need to ask them to slow things down for me, and that means I feel guilt for having to do so :(

On the positive side. He stayed by my side while I had the meltdown and didn't feel threatened by it. Afterwards he said that now he understands my need to be informed about possible changes. I feel like I need to get to know Sunflower, she was someone I was hoping to make friends with before the whole thing. And I really think getting to know her would make things easier for me, as all things unknown tend to trigger me.
 
Ive also struggled with change recently. It's affected my relationship. Im also autistic. I will try and speak more about it later. It's been hard.
 
First, accept that going slow is a burden of being with you. Everyone has flaws, burdens, our partners have to tolerate and pander to in order to be in a relationship. Mine is that I can't deal with rapid change. Acknowledgement helps us both find a happy medium.
 
London, nice to hear that I'm not alone, but sorry to hear things have been hard for you.

Ok, so if I accept that I need to take things slowly (and other people accept this too), then what does this actually mean? One thing about being an aspie is that things don't generalize that easily. So will I have to go through this chaos every time either one of us meets someone new? Or will the newness wear off eventually? And how long would that take… For example I have two children 9 and 5 years old, and this year was the first one when I didn't stress about their birthdays (even when surprising things happened). And what I used to stress was the unfamiliarity of the situation. If we'd move, I propably would start to stress again.

But I'm not one to give up or to avoid scary emotions. I just wonder how much will I have to work to be able to actually live the life I want.
 
But only way I know to handle new things is to take things slowly and do a lot of thinking (imagining all possible situations beforehand). And that means I need to ask them to slow things down for me, and that means I feel guilt for having to do so.


We all come as we come. Part of the price of admission to date you is to live with you having Asperger's. It's no different than dating someone who needs glasses, a hearing aid, diabetic medication, has kids, is allergic to pets, etc. People come as they do.

It sounds like your partner and his new dating potential are willing to learn and roll with it. So how can you become more willing to let go of the guilt so YOU can roll with it? :(

On the positive side. He stayed by my side while I had the meltdown and didn't feel threatened by it. Afterwards he said that now he understands my need to be informed about possible changes.

See? Willing to learn and roll with it.

I feel like I need to get to know Sunflower, she was someone I was hoping to make friends with before the whole thing. And I really think getting to know her would make things easier for me, as all things unknown tend to trigger me.

Sounds like you identified a trigger then. Even if Sunflower doesn't work out, you and partner know now that you want to ramp up slower to meeting new potentials of his and that actually meeting them and getting to know them makes things easier for you to avoid having an Asperger's meltdown.

It's a learning curve for everything. I see that you feel guilty about it sometimes but... aren't all people on a learning curve? :confused:

What makes it hard to let the guilt go? You thinking you "should" this or that? :confused:

Galagirl
 
What makes it hard to let the guilt go? You thinking you "should" this or that? :confused:

This is a good question and I don't have an answer to it yet. I suppose it has to do with feeling that I'm always the difficult one and that is because no-one, not even me, has understood why I do and experience things in such a different way from others. There are so many ways I've learned to think I'm not as good as others, and unlearning those has been a real challenge. Being able to identify myself as very likely being an aspergers person has made lot of things easier. But I suppose there's still old baggage.

Edit. I replyed to London earlier, but the message didn't show up. Let's see if it got stuck in the moderation process or if it's lost.
 
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Tomorrow I'm hosting a small party for som poly people and Salamander and Sunflower will both be there. I hope that to see them in a neutral situation like this will help me get used to the idea of them being together. I've tried imagining different kinds of situations and to feel ok about them, just to sort of prepare myself so that there wouldn't actually be anything new down the road at some point, even if everything actually is. This is something that usually helps me, visualizing stuff and preparing for different situations. I hope it works this time too.
 
One thing I find difficult is that what might be disrespectful to me might not translate as disrespectful to others. I find that people tend to blame it on my autism whereas they'd be more inclined to tow that boundary regardless of their personal feelings on it if I wasn't autistic.
 
I find that people tend to blame it on my autism whereas they'd be more inclined to tow that boundary regardless of their personal feelings on it if I wasn't autistic.

Can you elaborate or give an example. I feel like I don't understand what you mean (might be a language problem). Also did you notice my earlier reply to you? It appeared at some point in the middle of the thread.

But yes, it's often hard to communicate because it seems that the way I communicate differs so much from the way others do. And my actions are often given meanings I didn't intend (usually negative), because those meanings would have been there if someone else did the same thing. (And I'm left wondering how much negative subtext there actually is in everyday communication that I'm not aware of…)

I'm glad that we have talked about autism spectrum disorders with Salamander and he seems to understand me better than most people. He thinks he's not quite neurotypical either, so I'm sure that helps.
 
To consider the flip side of that last point by London: OP, none of the feelings and worries you have described seem that unusual to me. It is not uncommon for there to be one person 'slower' than the rest of the group in moving through their issues and fears - certainly, that's very much the case in my world! I know that having Asperger's will undoubtedly make your life harder in many ways (I have close family members with it, and both really struggle with new experiences), but it might help you to realise that essentially most people struggle with change. Try to avoid the tendency to pathologise yourself too much. I'm not trying to be flippant here, but it might help to realise that this is a NORMAL reaction for a poly newbie. It may well be made more difficult by the unique way your Aspy brain sees the world, but the Asperger's itself is not necessarily the problem here. I think as long as you are clearly articulating your concerns to your partner, and explaining why you need the extra time, you will be just fine. You have to find your own balance between a speed that you find comfortable, and a speed that works for the others too. That's not an Asperger's problem - it's a human problem. Don't let it hold you back. We are all unique in our psychological make-up - we all need things to be a certain way to a greater or lesser extent. Knowing how you yourself work, and then sharing that knowledge with those nearest and dearest to you, is the single best way you can learn how to handle this.
 
Building on what tenK said, I feel others often talk about whatever issue I'm having as though it's just me being autistic. I'm sure sometimes it is but in a relationship both parties intend to continue, it's kind of irrelevant. Eg. It doesn't matter if my irrational fear of germs is why I don't want to see my partner fresh from a date with someone else or its because I'm bad at poly, we need to find a solution that works for everyone to move forward.

When it isn't about me being autistic but is normal human wobbles, people can overlook that and even sort of keep doing something wrong whilst trying to convince me I'm misinterpreting the situation. It takes longer to convince people to reexamine their behaviour once they know yours is influenced by autism.
 
London, nice to hear that I'm not alone, but sorry to hear things have been hard for you.

Ok, so if I accept that I need to take things slowly (and other people accept this too), then what does this actually mean? One thing about being an aspie is that things don't generalize that easily. So will I have to go through this chaos every time either one of us meets someone new? Or will the newness wear off eventually? And how long would that take… For example I have two children 9 and 5 years old, and this year was the first one when I didn't stress about their birthdays (even when surprising things happened). And what I used to stress was the unfamiliarity of the situation. If we'd move, I propably would start to stress again.

But I'm not one to give up or to avoid scary emotions. I just wonder how much will I have to work to be able to actually live the life I want.
I just saw this.

Um, it's hard to know. You can only prepare as much as you can and learn on the way. Maybe my partner can answer this better.
 
I just saw your thread. I'm not sure if I can answer your specific questions but as I am in a poly relationship with an Aspie partner (my husband) I thought it may help to share our experience.

My husband R and I have been together for 10 years and he has had a relationship with C for 4 years. He is the one who is more hard wired to poly, I intended to accept his poly identity rather than to become involved in any way myself. However things have worked our very differently and I am very happy if somewhat surprised by our arrangement.

He is the one who really wanted the poly relationship yet he was very scared by it and there have been times when he needed to go painfully slowly, partly because he is not good at change, but I think mostly because he was terrified of messing up and losing one or both of us. He is not a great communicator especially when it comes to stuff about emotions and relationships, there are times when I feel able to push him a bit to deal with the emotional stuff and there are other times when I know that I have to let him work things out in his own way and his own time.

There have been other times when he is the one who has rushed us into things that we hadn't really discussed or agreed beforehand. I think it works because C and I are very close, we talk daily, we both love him and he is happy for us to talk things through without him as long as we don't expect him to deal with too many discussions about 'feelings' and about what we are or are not comfortable with.

C is less resilient than me and less used to Aspergers (I have a family member with Aspergers) so there have been times when she has relied on me to help her understand his moods and reactions. We still have to deal with upsets and meltdowns and there are times when he gets things horribly wrong, but that is not such a big deal. We care about him, the Aspergers is part of who he is and why we love him. He puts up with our peculiarities and odd little ways so why on earth should we think less of him because he has Aspergers.

We don't have many rules. Just that we will be honest and open with each other, and that we will be safe. There are no rules for poly relationships except the ones that you make between yourselves, so there is no right and wrong way to do things. Never feel guilty for being honest about your needs, good poly relationships depend on honesty and give and take, we all struggle sometimes.
 
Thank you all for your wise words. I feel I need to think about them a bit before answering anything. But yes, I'm aware of having all the normal reactions as well (exept for the one where I'd be ok with everything. This one seems normal among the people I hang out with.) And I've also had my reactions be labelled as "just something" even when I've tried to explain what's going on. It's really frustrating.

We don't have many rules. Just that we will be honest and open with each other, and that we will be safe.

How has this worked for you? Was it difficult in the beginning? I feel like no rules=chaos=something unknown=new--> and the fear of new and unexplained alreade crept up on me from just the thought. I don't like to make (too many) rules. But how can we turn this unfamiliar situation into a familiar one without them? This morning I tried to imagine new situations and be ok with them, but I felt the white noise fill my head after a short while and had to stop for now.
 
Ok, what I feel is the central problem now is this: I have to somehow be able to analyze where one kind of reaction (norman newbie reaction) ends and where the other kind starts (aspergers). But it's hard, because they can look alike. They certainly do from the outside, but sometimes they also feel the same. And like I read, I can't trust my emotions, which kind of freaked me out, since it adds one more unclear element to the situation that already has too much change, new elements and unclear things in it.

This is my question now (and I don't really expect anyone else to have an answer to it, but feel free to say, if you do):

- How do I know that the fear of change and new things is gone and the rest of my anxiety is normal newbie issues?

I feel like it would be really easy to get stuck on this explanation and keep sayin it's all too new when actually I'd just be nervous or something. I don't want that to happen, but I also don't want to accidentally push myself too far too fast. I have two children I must be able to take care of even during this process and too many meltdowns would really make that difficult. I've had my limits overstepped too many times in past. I'm not afraid that Salamander would knowingly do anything like that, but I have to respect my limits too. I also need to protect my kids, and that means I can't push myself too hard. Which means… I'm scared of moving too fast and just might end up dragging the "new=scary" phase too long.
 
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