I have been with my boyfriend for a year and some major life and relationship changes for us lately have revealed that I have a great deal of built up resentment, towards him and his (now ex) partner.
He is my first poly relationship after ending my marriage, and going into it I thought it would be no biggie that he was married. I mean, they said they were poly, right? But we fell very hard for each other quickly, and turns out that they were quite hierarchical. I didn't find out he wasn't allowed to give me oral sex until after the first time we had sex. Then I found out we had to be closeted because her family lived in town and she didn't want them to know. Because she didn't want to be poly at all (she had done it before, as the unicorn for other couples) and their relationship had been monogamous for 4 years.
I was madly in love with him and tolerated shitty behavior that I would now run screaming from - his partner had a total freakout one day when I went to visit him where he worked, because she didn't want us seeing one another every day (which wasn't made clear beforehand, and I wouldn't have agreed to unless he was the one who preferred that).
In my mind, it was super obvious that she was trying to retain as much couple privilege as possible, and I wasn't having it. And slowly things did change, and restrictions were lifted, but it made me feel constantly small and unimportant and really ravaged my self-esteem and self-respect.
Just a few weeks ago she found another boyfriend, then immediately came out to her family (which I had been told was absolutely not possible), then broke up with her husband (my boyfriend) and moved out. Now suddenly everything is SO different. He wants our relationship to go forward more anarchistic, which is what I have wanted all along, I have no desire to control his other relationships.
However, he refuses to hear a negative word about his ex or to acknowledge that some of how they treated me was unethical or in any way unnacceptable. He thinks it was perfectly in her right to closet our relationship. He has already started to pursue another (luckily, distance for now) relationship right in the middle of us moving cities and moving in together, and I am not handling it well. I am not as confident, secure, and independent feeling as I need to be to deal with so many huge changes gracefully - I have a lot going on in my personal life (divorce, child custody, major dental issues) and I feel like he hasn't taken my mental and emotional state into account. Ultimately it is my responsibility to work on myself and my own esteem issues, but I need to move on from the huge amount of pain and struggle in the beginning of our relationship. He wants me to forgive him, for the things that I "perceived" as being hurtful, and has apologized for how much it all hurt me, but still refuses to admit that any of it was bad/mean/wrong/unethical.
How do I move forward from here? Just I just forget it and move on? We are now in a position to build a new life together and organize our relationship together however we want to. But seeing him start a new relationship already is triggering some really horrible feelings - his sex acts with her won't be restricted, she will be able to hold his hand from day one of they want instead of having to hide in public for a FULL FUCKING YEAR.
I have a lot of anger and resentment and don't know how to just make it disappear or act like none of the shitty stuff happened, just because things suddenly change. Advice please!
He is my first poly relationship after ending my marriage, and going into it I thought it would be no biggie that he was married. I mean, they said they were poly, right? But we fell very hard for each other quickly, and turns out that they were quite hierarchical. I didn't find out he wasn't allowed to give me oral sex until after the first time we had sex. Then I found out we had to be closeted because her family lived in town and she didn't want them to know. Because she didn't want to be poly at all (she had done it before, as the unicorn for other couples) and their relationship had been monogamous for 4 years.
I was madly in love with him and tolerated shitty behavior that I would now run screaming from - his partner had a total freakout one day when I went to visit him where he worked, because she didn't want us seeing one another every day (which wasn't made clear beforehand, and I wouldn't have agreed to unless he was the one who preferred that).
In my mind, it was super obvious that she was trying to retain as much couple privilege as possible, and I wasn't having it. And slowly things did change, and restrictions were lifted, but it made me feel constantly small and unimportant and really ravaged my self-esteem and self-respect.
Just a few weeks ago she found another boyfriend, then immediately came out to her family (which I had been told was absolutely not possible), then broke up with her husband (my boyfriend) and moved out. Now suddenly everything is SO different. He wants our relationship to go forward more anarchistic, which is what I have wanted all along, I have no desire to control his other relationships.
However, he refuses to hear a negative word about his ex or to acknowledge that some of how they treated me was unethical or in any way unnacceptable. He thinks it was perfectly in her right to closet our relationship. He has already started to pursue another (luckily, distance for now) relationship right in the middle of us moving cities and moving in together, and I am not handling it well. I am not as confident, secure, and independent feeling as I need to be to deal with so many huge changes gracefully - I have a lot going on in my personal life (divorce, child custody, major dental issues) and I feel like he hasn't taken my mental and emotional state into account. Ultimately it is my responsibility to work on myself and my own esteem issues, but I need to move on from the huge amount of pain and struggle in the beginning of our relationship. He wants me to forgive him, for the things that I "perceived" as being hurtful, and has apologized for how much it all hurt me, but still refuses to admit that any of it was bad/mean/wrong/unethical.
How do I move forward from here? Just I just forget it and move on? We are now in a position to build a new life together and organize our relationship together however we want to. But seeing him start a new relationship already is triggering some really horrible feelings - his sex acts with her won't be restricted, she will be able to hold his hand from day one of they want instead of having to hide in public for a FULL FUCKING YEAR.
I have a lot of anger and resentment and don't know how to just make it disappear or act like none of the shitty stuff happened, just because things suddenly change. Advice please!