I was just outed involuntarily 5 weeks before my wedding

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koifish

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They outed us to my parents. It apparently is someone we know reasonably well or very well. They won't tell us who. What a betrayal. What a self-righteous busy body. The mariage will proceed, but the wedding is likely ruined.

My fiance and I have known each other for 15 years. Last fall we became involved with a woman.

They all say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding.

I'm rather distraught. We were all on track for a really lovely, fun wedding. Now I'm left wondering how to slash the guest list for at least the ceremony to cut out judgemental parents and the mystery tattler.

My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. Not what we would have chosen. I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception. I feel terrible for the people who have bought plane tickets and wouldn't be able to get refunds.

I would so appreciate any words of support or advice.
 
There are judgmental people in all walks of life, regarding all sorts of things, not just "love-style".

I understand the excitment of wedding planning, and the heartbreak of having someone be a downer in the midst of it.

BUT-it's STILL your wedding and it can STILL be a beautiful, fun and exciting day/night. It's all a matter of you choosing to keep it that way.

You didn't ask for their opinion, so don't put weight in it. Set it to the side the same way you would if they told you that they thought the colors you chose were hideous and they never wanted to have the bad luck of witnessing someone wear them!

It's YOUR wedding-not theirs.
Go, enjoy and make a beautiful memory.

Have a few close-trusted friends "forewarned" so that if ANYONE starts "shit" at the wedding, whether it be nasty comments in an undertone or some other bad behavior, those friends are ready and willing to haul that person out of the venue as quickly and quietly as possible.

AND

No matter WHAT happens in the midst of the wedding celebration-ignore it. Flat ignore anything that isn't perfect about your wedding. Focus on your love.
 
You can still have a fun wedding!

I agree with LR. Hold your head high. You invited the people you invited to share in your day because of love, closeness, affection, connection, etc. That is still there, no matter whether they approve of your situation or not. If they cannot rise above their prejudices and choose not to go, it will be their loss. Their reaction doesn't have to affect the wedding negatively, and I think outing yourselves to his parents is only going to make things worse if you still feel you are not ready for that. If I were you, I wouldn't change a thing. There is no reason not to proceed as planned.

My mother did not come to my wedding because she had emotional problems and said she wasn't able to handle the stress of meeting people in that setting. I wouldn't change my plans and went ahead anyway. As I saw it, my wedding was for ME (and my husband of course), not her. I could have scrambled to change everything and had a smaller ceremony that she could feel comfortable with, but I saw that as bending my life to fit her narrow view of the world, when she could have made an attempt to be there with family who loved her and be there for me (for a change). Sure, people wondered about it, looking askance at the nearly empty pew on my family's side of the chapel, but I was going to enjoy my day anyway - and I had a great time.

I have a third cousin whose mother "disowned" her when she became engaged to an African-American man. Her mother refused to speak to her and wouldn't go to the wedding. Besides being incredibly hypocritical (my family is descended from African slaves on that side and they know that), this caused a rift in the family and most of the relatives rallied around the daughter and showed up to be supportive. I know it hurt her, but my cousin just held her head high and continued with her plans.

Do not stoop to the level of prejudiced people (prejudice just means "pre-judging" someone or something before you have the facts or get to know them).

If I were you, I would ask your parents if they intend to be there. If not, shrug it off and invite other people you know will be supportive in their place. If they do intend to go, I would tell them in no uncertain terms that this is your life and your wedding and if they are going to give you a hard time or sit there in judgment, making your day miserable, then they are not welcome. You can stand up for yourself.

If they want to know more about the relationship, you might say that you are willing to talk about it with them if they are willing to have an open mind, but to know also that you are moving forward with your wedding plans and that you regret they are refusing to be supportive of something that makes you happy.
 
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I hope we decide we can wait to tell my fiance's parents so we can avoid that much more turmoil. I feel so exposed. I hesitate to open myself up to more judgement and disapproval right now. But we are also concerned that the tattler will choose to tell others, including my fiance's parents.

My parents seem dead set on keeping the tattler's identity secret. This means we can't judge the likelihood of that person telling my fiance's parents, perhaps even closer to the wedding date than we are now.

This person is very likely invited to the wedding and might also stir up trouble at the actual affair.

I consider the ceremony to be sacred. I want to be surrounded by love and happy faces, particularly at that time. When I say my vows I don't want to have doubters and scorners around me.

I'm getting married at my mother's house, so I can structure the day as I wish. What do you think about the possibility of making an excuse to invited guests about the ceremony itself having become very small, allowing only a few to be present. I really only want 5 or 6 people who I know support me and my fiance.

I want to have some sort of reception especially for the people who came in town. I'm not sure what sort of financial support we will have after this debacle, and truth be told we ourselves are pretty poor.

We sent out our lovely invitations that we designed ourselves weeks ago. Now everything has changed and they seem pretty irrelevant.
 
Yeah, I hear ya. Yes, you can have a small wedding for just those closest to you and invite everyone else to the reception. Maybe have a small party also just for the people who will be traveling to get there. I guess, though, that such a change would necessitate calling everyone individually and just tell them it's for personal reasons.
 
They all say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding.

Why are you getting married? Once you know, you will know what to tell your family, should they ever decide to get low enough from their high horses to listen.

You can't be responsible for other people's ideas about what marriage in general and your marriage specifically should be like. Your private life is just that - private. Everyone has the right to decide what level of personal life details they want to share with others. Not telling every single person you ever become friendly with about every single vulnerability you've ever had is not dishonest, it's smart. People earn your trust - somebody accepting an invitation to a wedding doesn't mean you are suddenly accountable to them on every single thing that has lead to this point in your life.

I hope you are still inviting your third. Do you have children? To me, somebody disrespecting your family like that, even if they are themselves family, is out of order. They could be asking you not to invite hypothetical kids from previous relationships because that acts as an uncomfortable reminder of you having had a life before this day, and you continuing to have a life, and even separate existence, from your husband.

My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. Not what we would have chosen. I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception.

Telling his parents gives this person, whoever they are, too much power. This is most likely exactly what they wanted to achieve. It might be advisable to make an emergency plan on how to finance the wedding in case his parents are the kind of people who would seek to manipulate you by abusing the financial power they have over you.

Don't give in! Support each other and your third. At some point, your family will start yanking up the heat in what comes to her, trying to make her feel bad about herself and ashamed of her relationship with you. Don't let them.
 
I think the right way to do things now is to tell people that you're inviting everyone, and they can decide if they want to come or not. It's not fair of them to ask you to choose between the people you love (I mean for instance between your parents and your gf). You're being fair by inviting both and letting them not show up if they don't want to.
But if they do show up, it's their decision, and you expect them not to make a fuss over anything. You should be clear about that to them, that if they show up to the wedding, it means they have agreed, for that one day, to have a truce and enjoy the occasion. If they don't feel up to it, then they probably shouldn't come.

About your gf wanting to come out as well... it's understandable, but I'm not sure if it's the best time to do so. I think the only way to make a decision on that would be for you guys to talk about it (I mean all three of you).
 
Wow, I am feeling for you. Too bad it all happened at such a crunch time, where to make changes will be a real inconvenience to say the least.

This brings up so many questions and issues! Big picture, like "What is the definition of marriage, and who defines it?" and "If a wedding is a celebration of Love, what is Love, and who defines it?" Then the smaller, more personal questions, like, "Who in my life/family really loves and supports me unconditionally?" and "Who can I trust?" and "Whose fucking business is it what I do in my bedroom, anyway???"

I wonder, are your fiance's parents are open-minded?

We were involuntarily outed recently, too. It hurts, it's confusing, it's devastating... yet there was some freedom in it, in a weird way. A little bit of relief, after the dust settled. I am a person who wants to love out loud, and it's hard to be in the closet about a person who means so damn much to me and my husband. It may be tough but I can take it -- I can walk in the Truth in ways I never thought I could. However -- we think the "bleeding" has stopped, and we are hoping our privacy has been salvaged from here on. We now have time to prepare ourselves for the possibility of it getting out to more people, eventually. That involves asking ourselves some of those questions, big and small, so that WE will be rock solid in our "defense," so to speak.

My heart goes out to you.
 
Dammit

Koi, so sorry this secret informer outing judging bullshit is happening to you.

The fellas and I were joking this week about making a special announcement onstage at my upcoming graduation about our relationships, since lots of our peeps will be there. The context there is just that we would like to stop making weird faces at people when someone notices something new going on and we give vague answers. Can't imagine this so close to a wedding.

It is hard enough to maintain a sense of humor planning a wedding when everything is going well and there's more $ to be able to be flexible with. I hope you can laugh about it somehow, and use this challenge for all it's worth to love and support each other. Take each other's hands and face it with joy, whatever you do.

Feel for you.
-R
 
Wow. What a rotten turn of events. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can certainly see how you would be shocked and appalled by all this.

There's just not a solution here that's clean, quick and painless, at least not that I can see. That being said, here's what I would do:
  • proceed with the wedding as planned
  • tell my parents (and any other concerned parties) that nothing has changed except what they know about my/our love life, remind them that, as an adult, I think and choose and act for myself (as does my fiance) and that as much as I want them present to celebrate my wedding, I would understand if they choose to not participate or be present
  • prepare to do the same with anyone else concerned (or else get out in front of the avalanche by outting my tribe at a time and place of our choosing)
  • keep my ears and eyes open for the identity of the person who has chosen to stir the stink at our expense. When s/he reveals him/herself, I would express my genuine opinion of his/her actions in this matter (in clear and specific terms, :mad: if you know what I mean), then promptly expel the troublemaker from my life.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
 
They all say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding.

May I ask, who is "they all".... You were talking about your parents, how many parents are we talking about here?

( do'nt get me wrong, I have 4+inlaws, I'm just trying to keep it all straight, not be sarcastic or obnoxious)

You COULD have a smaller ceremony if that is what you want.

It's this simple:

THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL DAY.
Stop your mind for a few minutes (meditate if that helps).

Now, picture in your mind what you would like for that day
(without considering the current drama)
...


...


...



Create it.

The current drama does NOT warrant changing something this important to you. Your personal desires (with fiance) should be the deciding factor of how the wedding is handled.

EVERY bride has a drama before the wedding-I swear. (check out the msn message boards, you can read pages and pages of other people's dramas over their weddings) because EVERYONE wants to put their own spin on the expectations.

BUT-it's not EVERYONE's wedding, it's yours and his. Period. End of topic. As a significant other your girlfriend may have a sayso (I don't know the specifics of your dynamic); but no one else does-unless YOU CHOOSE TO LET THEM.
 
[*]proceed with the wedding as planned
[*]tell my parents (and any other concerned parties) that nothing has changed except what they know about my/our love life, remind them that, as an adult, I think and choose and act for myself (as does my fiance) and that as much as I want them present to celebrate my wedding, I would understand if they choose to not participate or be present[*]prepare to do the same with anyone else concerned (or else get out in front of the avalanche by outting my tribe at a time and place of our choosing)
[*]keep my ears and eyes open for the identity of the person who has chosen to stir the stink at our expense. When s/he reveals him/herself, I would express my genuine opinion of his/her actions in this matter (in clear and specific terms, :mad: if you know what I mean), then promptly expel the troublemaker from my life.
[/LIST]

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

My only real change here would be to the underlined part-I'd change to say this...

sex
(Because the truth is that their issue isn't with the fact that you love someone in addition to your fiance. It's that you are "in love" with and/or sexually involved with someone in addition to your fiance.)

I would add at the end of that sentence:

choose to be present if you are unable to behave in a respectful and loving manner.


The truth is that this isn't a day for "showing off". It's a day to commemmorate and acknowledge your commitment to one of your beloved's. IF they don't wish to witness it, that's their business, but if they choose to witness it, they need to behave with respect and dignity.


As for the "out to everyone" or not... I can't much help with that. That's such a personal decision. I know for me, I don't handle surprises well (good or bad).

Honest and truly:

So I'd (with signficant other) probably just make an announcement to everyone invited along these lines:

"Due to the recent drama over the fact that WE LR Smith & Maca Doe, love other people as well as each other;
it's come to our attention that apparently some people are unable or unwilling to do the same.
Therefore we feel compelled to most sincerely apologize for our serious neglect in considering the emotional and psychological limitations of our invitees before choosing our guest list to our upcoming commitment ceremony and celebration of love!
We'd both like to assure every person on our guest list that this oversight was completely unintentional and we intend to rectify it immediately!
We completely understand now, that while it has been natural to both of us since birth, when we learned to love both our mother and our father; to love many people; that is not true for everyone.

It is our desire to show due respect to every one of our invitees. In an attempt to correct our inadvertant misstep that may have trod on a few toes and to acknowledge our now deeper understanding about the following:

A) Our guests' personal right to love as they deem appropriate
AND
B) Our guests' needs to participate only in activities with which they feel safe and comfortable
AND
C) Our desire to ease any sense of obligation we may have created with our invitations
D) Any confusion we may have caused by not previously acknowledging our profound giftedness at loving not only each other but many others in our lives

We would like to reassure each of you that lack of attendence on your part will in no way negatively impact the joy and celebration of our day. We gratefully appreciate each of you taking the time to consider our invitation. We continue to look forward to sharing the day with all of you who do choose to attend. For those who are unable to attend for any reason, we look forward to sharing enjoyable camaraderie at a future date.

Sincerely,

LR Smith & Maca Doe



I suppose most people on the board would find the whole idea of doing something like that shocking. But, I know myself too well, that'd be my ticked off, eyebrow raised, "ok fine lets play" response to the b.s. you are suffering at the moment.
In fact, if it were me, I just might give up something else so I could pay to print it on special cardstock matching my original invites. Then I'd mail one to each person who got an invitation.


:) However, I'm not dumb enough to think that the world at large could handle the potential "WTF" questions that might follow.

Look to your heart Dear, find what will make you most happy and do it. Then, let go of that which you can't control-which is anyone else's thoughts or behaviors; and enjoy that wedding!
 
Both my fiance and I work for my father is generally a jerk, controlling, high handed, difficult to work for. He accused me of not being committed to the business said that I was the worst employee he had and that he would have fired me if I were not his daughter. I do work that few or no other people can at the business. He says similar things to my fiance. That was already stressing me out.

Then last week he decided that our wedding was a train wreck and that he needed to take control from us so it would turn out well. We resisted and he accused me of not caring about him and mocking me about my supposed need to win and basically infantilizing me and then saying that I had burnt bridges with him.

So, we had finally reached a place of separation and autonomy in our personal lives, and then someone goes and tells on us and the "adults" talk amongst themselves and call us to a meeting where they tell us they disapprove and no longer have enthusiasm for our wedding.

Oh god. The worst timing.

I care very much for our third and so does my fiance.

Right now I do not want to have to tell his parents. They are lovely and sweet and very religious and right now I love his dad more than my dad and they love me. I'm so afraid that the mystery busy body will tell them. I don't want to have our wedding destroyed, honestly. The three of us are getting along well in the last 2-3 weeks, but historically our relationship has been fraught with either she or I having serious freakouts and my very talented fiance holding it together. She almost broke up with us again 3 weeks ago and my fiance put things back together. But I was ready to let her amicably break up with us. She has the same issues come up over and over and they are legitimate and probably not fixable except in the very long term. She wants to be on completely equal standing with us right now, and always has, so the wedding sort of constantly upsets her. We were engaged 9 months before we met her.

When it's good with us, it's good. But that has been well under half the time.

I'm very afraid of random malicious busy bodies destroying my livelihood or my relationships in the future by springing this information on people. Because "they should know" or "they have a right to know". Telling my 80 something grandparents or something.

I don't know if I am cut out for this. You may have read my other posts about being sick and polyamorous. This much stress is literally making me ill. I don't sleep. I barely eat. I've lost too much weight. I'm too thin.

ps. I do consider it a betrayal of me and my fiance for my parents to conceal the busy body's identity. We will be seeing this person at the wedding or other places and we don't know who they are.
 
Also,we were going to do a quaker style ceremony with a moment of silence followed by a few minutes during which people can stand up and say something or read something. Hopefully nice things.

This seems like a bad idea now. It figured prominently on our invites, unfortunately.
 
Honey, it sounds to me like you could really benefit from some classes, therapy, reading about how to live your life for yourself and not for everyone else.

All of these things, right wrong or otherwise, are part of life. Dealing with assholes is part of life.

That's not to say you have to continue to deal with the same assholes day in and day out-but that no matter where you go, there will be an asshole. It's just life.

The key to having a sane, healthy, happy life isn't to try and avoid assholes;

It's to learn to be sane, healthy and happy regardless of how many assholes are around.

You need to learn to let go of the issues which are out of your control (changing how others think or act), take control of the issues which you can take control of (like finding a job that doesn't include working for someone who treats you like shit) and how to figure out which sort of issue you are dealing with!

;) You might consider reading the Serenity Prayer as a mantra until it starts to sink in.
Or
Ask yourself each time you get upset about something-"is this something I can change or not" if the answer is yes, change it, if it's no, then let it go.

The book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie would be a good place to start.
www.thework.com

Another one is "Living Happily Ever After" by Marsha Sinetar.
www.marshasinetar.com

Good luck!
 
The people at the meeting were my mother, stepmother and father, btw.
Did they each have take issue with your situation?
You work for your father?
Wedding is at your mothers home?
May I ask your age(s)?


Also,we were going to do a quaker style ceremony with a moment of silence followed by a few minutes during which people can stand up and say something or read something. Hopefully nice things.

This seems like a bad idea now. It figured prominently on our invites, unfortunately.

I think it's a beautiful idea-I'd do it anyway. I'd simply have the person whose opening it for comments to emphasize that all comments are to be positive, loving, friendly and supportive. That would be easy to word in a way that was encouraging and didn't come across as a "warning" per se-but it would also serve as a "reminder" to people that their negative two cents wasn't being requested...
 
Two words start to come to mind:

City and Hall.

Get married. Live your life. Be well.

If this means moving to a neighboring town and becoming financially/emotionally independent, so be it. Easier said than done, I realize, but there you have it.

Your "family" is a bunch of creepy control freaks. I know you love them because they are the only family you have, but it is obvious to me that your father is holding your and your husband's livelihood hostage for a variety of reasons known only to him and possibly yourself, which have nothing to do with your other partner. Sorry, but you HAVE to grow up sometime. You are being treated like an adolescent child and not being given the respect an independent adult has earned by definition. Is your family paying for the wedding? I'd "thanks-but" that one. Seriously. Someone has already said it - this is YOUR LIFE, YOUR WEDDING, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, and at some point, you will have to start doing what makes YOU happy or you will have a miserable life trying to make everyone else happy and not succeeding.

I know it makes me seem like a jerk, but I am kind of relieved that most of my immediate family is dead or just not in my life because I don't have to think about this bullshit.
 
I know it makes me seem like a jerk, but I am kind of relieved that most of my immediate family is dead or just not in my life because I don't have to think about this bullshit.

Adore my younger brother, younger stepbrother, younger foster sister.
Absolutely adore my father in law.
Can get along with my mom and my stepdad is no problemo.
Can get along with my brother in law no problem.
Can get along with GG's mother sisters bil and sil (one gay sister).

The rest of my family? Blech, don't need the drama.
The rest of Maca's family? Blech, don't need the drama.
The rest of GG's family? Blech, don't need the drama.

You CAN in fact create a family of people who are worth being around and there is something healthy to be said for people who despite being raised in dysfunctional and fucked up families, manage to escape them and move on to greener pastures.
 
Oh hun, I am so sorry.

We got married in November, and the thought of that happening ... UGH. Sickening.

Good advice here. It is YOUR (you and fiancé's) day. You are celebrating the love you have for each other and your commitment - AS YOU SEE IT.

Here's a post from shortly after the wedding from my blog. It may be useful, particularly having a back story for your gf, if needed. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=54321&postcount=61
 
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