obstinateorange
New member
Hello, safe place. I don't know if you've noticed this, but it can actually be difficult to get useful advice on poly relationships from non-poly humans.
Thanks for existing.
Full disclosure upfront, I'm brand new to this. That'll be evident momentarily.
I've been dating my partner for seven months, and we've been a couple for six. On the day that we officially declared couplehood, she informed me that she is polyamorous, and that she had been living with her boyfriend for three years. I'd heard of polyamory before, and I even had an operating understanding of it, but that moment would mark the first time I ever entered a poly relationship on purpose. After all, she made me feel good, and I knew that there was potential for something wonderful between the two of us. What kind of good sense would it be not to run with that?
This revelation did feel like it betrayed some dishonesty, but I understood, especially after her explanation, why and how it had happened. No biggie.
For reasons unrelated to me, she split up with the boyfriend about two months later. Since then, we've been exclusive, due in part to my request (I realize this may be some kind of sin, but I hope to make the reasoning clear momentarily). I've since found out, however, that before my request, there were two additional people with whom she had a romantic relationship, if infrequently. Further, it came to light that they had been "involved" between the declaration of couplehood and her leaving the long time boyfriend. That hurt me too, because our early conversations about "the rules" indicated that we both believed that abundant clarity would be required for such a thing to work.
These things may have retarded my full acceptance of the idea. However, I wasn't without reservation to begin with. I've long suffered from depression, a condition for which I've only recently begun treatment. This, along with an unfortunate childhood, have left me with a persistent self esteem problem. Since beginning treatment for my depression, I've been getting a real hold on some kind of self worth, which is helping me move closer to fully accepting this thing.
I want to pursue this relationship as a polyamorous one for a few reasons. To start, that's very much a part of who she is, and I've never believed in trying to change your partner. And really, it just makes sense. I can look at polyamory on paper and see that it is not only "acceptable", but it looks like a good thing. In monogamous relationships from my past, I've often "struggled" with the desire to pursue other people. It's only lately that I've been able to fully realize that in the same way my desires were not due to some inadequacy of my partner, the desire in her to see more than one person needs not fall along dissimilar lines. Besides that, it's just a concept that seriously interests me.
My reservations are gradually dissolving. I don't know that I'm all the way there yet, but I believe I will be soon. I come to you because it's still a little scary. I hope to be able to pass a few things by this community for a sanity check or two, and to share my experiences and concerns with an understanding group of folks.
So hello.
Thanks for existing.
Full disclosure upfront, I'm brand new to this. That'll be evident momentarily.
I've been dating my partner for seven months, and we've been a couple for six. On the day that we officially declared couplehood, she informed me that she is polyamorous, and that she had been living with her boyfriend for three years. I'd heard of polyamory before, and I even had an operating understanding of it, but that moment would mark the first time I ever entered a poly relationship on purpose. After all, she made me feel good, and I knew that there was potential for something wonderful between the two of us. What kind of good sense would it be not to run with that?
This revelation did feel like it betrayed some dishonesty, but I understood, especially after her explanation, why and how it had happened. No biggie.
For reasons unrelated to me, she split up with the boyfriend about two months later. Since then, we've been exclusive, due in part to my request (I realize this may be some kind of sin, but I hope to make the reasoning clear momentarily). I've since found out, however, that before my request, there were two additional people with whom she had a romantic relationship, if infrequently. Further, it came to light that they had been "involved" between the declaration of couplehood and her leaving the long time boyfriend. That hurt me too, because our early conversations about "the rules" indicated that we both believed that abundant clarity would be required for such a thing to work.
These things may have retarded my full acceptance of the idea. However, I wasn't without reservation to begin with. I've long suffered from depression, a condition for which I've only recently begun treatment. This, along with an unfortunate childhood, have left me with a persistent self esteem problem. Since beginning treatment for my depression, I've been getting a real hold on some kind of self worth, which is helping me move closer to fully accepting this thing.
I want to pursue this relationship as a polyamorous one for a few reasons. To start, that's very much a part of who she is, and I've never believed in trying to change your partner. And really, it just makes sense. I can look at polyamory on paper and see that it is not only "acceptable", but it looks like a good thing. In monogamous relationships from my past, I've often "struggled" with the desire to pursue other people. It's only lately that I've been able to fully realize that in the same way my desires were not due to some inadequacy of my partner, the desire in her to see more than one person needs not fall along dissimilar lines. Besides that, it's just a concept that seriously interests me.
My reservations are gradually dissolving. I don't know that I'm all the way there yet, but I believe I will be soon. I come to you because it's still a little scary. I hope to be able to pass a few things by this community for a sanity check or two, and to share my experiences and concerns with an understanding group of folks.
So hello.