Dating vs. Poly

redpepper

Active member
I was wondering what the difference is and what the cause is of people in their 20's using the term poly and not dating.

When I was this age I dated many people and had sex with people without telling people. I always protected myself and it was not frowned upon as this was the norm. Some of the people I dated knew I had other men in my life and at one point there was a room-mate situation where I was with two guys living together... brothers. There was no discussion. No need to discuss, because it was casual and we weren't ever gf/bf. We were dating...

Now it seems the term poly is used quite often for the same behaviour. I want to stress the lack of communication here and lack of consent. There was not consent, because I was my own person and therefore could and did make my own decision. There was no reason to communicate for this reason also.

So what has changed? Is the term "Poly" just different for younger generations? Is there a change in dating? Or is there no change and its really just the same as when I was young with the word poly given to it?

I ask because it has come up a few times lately for me that there seems to be some confusion as to the common themes of poly being about open and honest communication, consent and consideration for others involved. It seems, in the stories I have heard lately that there is little to no need for these common themes, yet there is still the word poly thrown in there...

any thoughts?
 
I was thinking about this the other day. About when just dating around become poly or how to tell the difference. I'm not sure if it's a generational thing or not. I don't actually know many, if any poly people my age. I do know lots of people who date a lot but none of them consider themselves poly.

I think I see at as being about intentions. A lot of people date around but ultimately they're looking for the one or just killing time with random encounters until they find something bigger. Generally when something gets serious it becomes exclusive. They wouldn't really consider the possibility of allowing more than one of those dating partners to become a serious relationship.

I think that to call it poly there should be intent of dating in order to establish or with the possibility of finding multiple relationships.

Playing the field or dating around can, in my mind, be called non-monogamy but I see is as a temporary state for many of those people. I think it's possible to do that and be poly but many people play the field with no intentions of polyamory.

Personally, I'm not much for casual dating. I don't like going on dates with people I don't know very well. I definitely don't enjoy casual hookups. So for me, playing the field isn't something I tend to do. I take a long time to feel comfortable enough with someone to want to be with them. I often feel like a late bloomer or defective for being so slow but I've been trying to accept that it's ok for me to not want to start relationships in certain ways.

I'm not sure what you're asking the last paragraph. Are you saying you see a lot of young people calling it poly but not being open and honest? I think I do see people who want to cut corners and call it poly after having an affair.
 
I wonder if it might be a case of learing how to do relationships well. I'm sure there are people who dated many people in their 20's who went on to discover what it meant to have an ethically non-monogamous relationship meant. There might be a difference in the way it is done but if these 20-somethings now have a term for how they feel they might be more likely to seek out the resources on how to be compassionate and open towards their partners.

Your 20's are a time to learn how to be in relationships in whatever form those relationships take. There aren't a whole lot of people who do monogamy well in their 20's either (think "If you don't know what's wrong then I'm not going to tell you").
 
I think it could qualify as poly if you're warning everyone that you're not exclusive, and if you're open to serious relationships with the people you date. If it's casual sex, it sounds more like swinging to me.

But I don't know, I've never dated around, and I think most people would expect you to be dating only them if you're dating them, no? Even though I'm poly, if I date someone who tells me they're single, I'll interpret it to mean they're not seeing anyone at all. To me, dating means you're not single anymore (I guess you could argue "but then nobody could tell you "I'm single" and be telling the truth, since by dating you they stop being single" but I see it as a case of "I'm on a desert island". It's not desert since YOU are on it, but that still works. If you meet someone else there, though, it's not a desert island anymore.)
 
Didn't it just used to be called 'playing the field'...as opposed to 'going steady'?

The kids probably just want new names for stuff so they don't sound like their parents.
 
II you crack me up! HA! Possibly so though.

It could be about intent. I was looking for one love in a monogamous way. Not several meaningful going steady boy friends. Maybe now there is an options? I will be interested to see how many "poly" relationships end in monogamy once a decent monogamous partner is found and how many will be poly all their lives. Either is an option provided ones life goals are being fulfilled I would think.
 
But I don't know, I've never dated around, and I think most people would expect you to be dating only them if you're dating them, no?

No, I don't think most people you go on a date with would assume they're the only person you're dating until you've gone out a few times and then things started to be sexual. And then you would discuss it before assuming that kind of exclusivity. To most people I know, dating usually means out there and dating people without any commitment yet. But dating doesn't necessarily mean you are sexual with your dates - that would be, perhaps, "playing the field." Dating is usually the phase where you get to know someone and see if you want to take it further. When you're only seeing one person, or begin to have some kind of steady or committed involvement, you're "seeing someone."

Even though I'm poly, if I date someone who tells me they're single, I'll interpret it to mean they're not seeing anyone at all. To me, dating means you're not single anymore . . .

To me, single just means you don't have a committed exclusive relationship. Then again, lots of people I know think that single just means not married. In either case, you can be dating a bunch of people, as a single person. That's what most single people do - date! :D

As for the young people nowadays, and their interests and the terminology they use, they are truly a puzzlement to me (oy, I sound old)! Haha! So, I really can't speak to that.
 
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I was wondering what the difference is and what the cause is of people in their 20's using the term poly and not dating.

I think the internet is a big part of it.

When I was in my twenties, It would have been very hard for me to use, or even discover the word “poly”. Especially as I frequented coffee shops and bars rather than the university library. I would have really had to go out of my way to analyse my relationships and research relationship styles – And I was too busy just having them :)

I’d heard of the internet, something along the lines of “Yeah, like, I think you can look up information from anywhere in the world and it just comes up on your own computer screen, and you can write a letter to someone but you don’t even need to post it – It just appears instantly on their own computer” ...oh, right...how does it get to their screen ?? LOL !

Not very many people I knew had home computers. Information was hard to find, it took time to get information.

I think it’s the same for may aspects of life;

I have a sore ankle, a quick google search indicates I may have a problem with my achilles tendon....

My mood swings are severe – Oh, google points me towards bipolar issues.

I’m in a relationship with X, but really have strong feelings for Y. Google presents me with “poly”.

The internet presents us with solutions or discussions or definitions or philosophies or strategies, and it’s instant information, right there on your own computer screen.

People in their twenties have grown up with a high level of “information expectations”, they expect and desire information on their topic of interest to be available, so it’s probably not too surprising that what would have been “dating” years and years ago...lends itself to “poly” now.

Now, I should also admit I don’t know many people in their twenties...so I’m just musing..

Anybody in their twenties for comment ?
 
I am 22. Alternative lifestyle choices are increasing in their numbers in part because of awareness via the Internet. I think a lot of young people are genuinely interested in poly. Not just dating around. Just like there are schmucks in their 40's abusing the term poly, there are those in their 20's. I think young people try poly for a lot of the same reasons everyone else does. They want love and connection.
 
I have often wondered this myself. How many people are dating but throwing a new name at it.

In reality, what does it matter. Maybe those poly people who are actually dating will find the "one".

When I am available, I am dating.. I just happen to be married as well. :)
 
What of the term "next generation" that is being used by under 30's? There is a bit of a divide that distinguishes between styles of poly and age/stage. There was some discussion on this before here but I would love to hear more. Perhaps it will indicate more of why the difference has come about.

I am beginning to see however that perhaps knowing ones intent, rather than assuming, is a big part of dating now. As ray says, the term poly is used at 20 and 40 by some shmucks. Yet some of those who identify as poly do use it to find more than one to be loved and connected to. Maybe for some its a matter of educating and talking about it more?
 
Hmm I wanted to start a similar post on this but with a slightly different spin. I am new to poly and new to this forum and some of you who posted on this topic, includig redpepper who started it, knows a bit about me.

I am 24 and married with a three year old. I just graduated college. My wife and I had our found out about our son going into sophomore year, and got married last summer.

Now, I went to school at a smaller state school and joined a fraternity. The last year and a half I served as president and held many positions before that. Its interesting to see what other 20 somethings feel about dating. Since I was engaged I didn't 'play the field' but it was somewhat ironic since (even though I didn't identify with it yet) I was poly all throughout college. I sat a listned to numerous fraternity brothers talk about all their different "relationships" hooks-ups, one night stands bla bla bla, and kept wondering, why am I so weird for wanting to be actually with multiple people if all these guys feel it is completely normal to just basically do whatever they want.

I've talked to a lot of people my age about sex, and have always been listening for people who might be like me. I know of maybe one where I went to school, but have a long term high school friend who I know is poly or different, and recently found out another college friend is more than typical.

Anyone who said google will yield poly with the right keywords and people my age like to find out what the meaning of what they are doing is I believe is hitting the nail on the head. I don't want to be misunderstood myself though, because I did the same thing at first, only I knew for a long time I was different.

Good Topic.
 
This is a really great question! About the difference between poly and dating.

Me and my partner (mid 20s) went to quite a few poly meetings in Melbourne over a year ago, and met heaps of people who identified as poly. We'd both felt a familiarity with the philosophy behind polyamory - intimacy, openness, honesty. But realised that a lot people seemed to interpret it as simultaneous dating, which now we know wasn't what we were looking for - though we gave it a shot with pretty shitty results. Felt like we'd opened our relationship only to be shut out by new people each other met. It took us a while to work it out because poly people are much more approachable and honest about it, but just because you say it out loud doesn't make it any less the case.

I was thinking back to what attracted me to the idea of an open relationship - it was because we both had friends that we really loved, and we wondered what it would be like to be more intimate with them. Sleeping in the same bed or going away together, or living together, or showering together. Sex and kissing didn't seem a big step from all that, though it seems to cross over some kind of boundary. But the difference with our friends is that they don't try to shut anyone out. I arrange to meet up with them, but if we bump into someone we know or someone else wants to come they can. Which is the same relationship I have with my partner.

We've decided to take sexual stuff really slow, because of some complicated past experiences where it messed with a friend, which then messed with both of us. But I really like exploring everything before that boundary, spending honest, open and intimate time with people. Sitting with a friends head on your lap, sharing beds and skinny dipping, massages, and having an open lounge room where people feel free to come and hang out and stay. Polyamory isn't supposed to be all about the sex, but I haven't met too many people who identify as poly who act that way.

So are we poly or are we something else? I've stopped labelling it, but if pushed I say we have a more open relationship
 
My daughter is 25 and IDs as poly. She had a poly relationship with her first lover. Altho she didn't take other lovers for a few years, her gf did.

About 4 years into their relationship, she had a couple other gfs. But then she broke up with her primary, found another one, and decided to quit being actively poly and focus on the 2 of them, because she felt she didn't know herself well enough, and the young people she was seeing didn't know themselves well either. So the relationships were stormy and full of petty arguments and jealousies and whatnot.
 
stitch, I am in my mid twenties as well. Figuring out where poly ends and sex begins has been difficult for me to figure out so far too. I am a very sexual person in my monogamous relationship so I figure I will be the same in my poly ones? I thought for a long time being poly was an excuse to be promiscuous, but I could see quickly that poly people (not the ones just saying they are poly) real poly people talk about being in love with multiple people.

I spent a lot of time looking at that aspect, do I believe I would really love two people. Is love a valuable resource which only has enough capacity to fill one other persons void? Or, is it like the poly concept, an unmeasurable resource. Some poly people seem to say the more you give the more you get.

The sexual part is something I have a lot of research to do, of course I am married to a mono girl who is struggling with the whole concept, so focusing on the love part will make more sense at first.
 
I have been thinking on this... and I think where I see the split is on level of commitment.

When I date, if I date multiple people... my commitment to them is... surface level. I am dating, thats the feeling out stage of a relationship. Are we intellectually and emotionally compatible. Are we sexually compatible. Are you going to be a total biatch in 3 months.

Poly is the "in a relationship" stage I suppose. You know you like each other, maybe even love each other, and you hit a certain level of sincere commitment.
 
I have been thinking on this... and I think where I see the split is on level of commitment.

When I date, if I date multiple people... my commitment to them is... surface level. I am dating, thats the feeling out stage of a relationship. Are we intellectually and emotionally compatible. Are we sexually compatible. Are you going to be a total biatch in 3 months.

Poly is the "in a relationship" stage I suppose. You know you like each other, maybe even love each other, and you hit a certain level of sincere commitment.

Ding ding ding!

26, BTW.
 
I turned 26 recently, too.

I definitely would agree that "being poly", if it's an action, means many relationships, so anything that is not considered a relationship for whatever reason wouldn't apply.

I guess I never really though about having a date with someone you're not in a relationship with. There has always been a disconnect for me with people in US TV shows for instance, who seem to date often, and sometimes people they have never met until the date, sometimes people who have just met. I used to think it was incredibly unrealistic and never happened in real life, but I've realised since that it does happen.

As for me, I never dated someone without considering myself in a relationship with them. The first date would, for me, be the point at which the relationship becomes "official" (prior to that, it's me liking someone and wanting a relationship with them, but not being in one yet). However it seems that dating for many people is some sort of screening process or interview in which you decide if you want to go further or not.
Never really happened to me, I have the screening process beforehand, which is what leads me to ask them out in the first place (or say yes if they ask me out). I have had times when I said no, then became friends, and upon getting to know the person better, only then told them I was willing to date them now.
Well, him. It only happened once. I haven't had many relationships.

True, I've had casual sex as well, but never dated any of these men, specifically because they were casual sex and not relationship. I have had "dates" with my ex FWB, but they were as friends, not as lovers, and were similar to outings I've had with any other friends, except that sex sometimes occurred before or after them.

So, "dating around" isn't a concept I'm familiar with first-hand. I basically agree with what seems to be the consensus here, though (that is, poly requires actual relationships, if you're dating around as part of the "screening process" it's not poly. However, it has the potential to become so.)
 
@ meinsb - me and my partner have had lots of chats about whether we could love more than one person, and realised we loved heaps of people. My family I guess was where my mind started to bend around the idea - I mean, surely it's not a different kind of love? I think that void you wrote about comes back to not feeling alone and also having people you can create a life with not just live alongside. When you're close with someone, where the wall between you is gone and you feel you can be exactly who you are and they love you and you love them, well I guess there aren't many people who you can feel like that with. Whether it's because you haven't met them yet, or you're keeping them at arms length because it's a grey area if you already have a partner. Personally, I think it's the latter. I was talking to a friend of mine, who's in a mono relationship, and she said that even without the sex and kissing it's still a really big thing to let other people in, she said she has lots of close female friends but she'd be really nervous to be close with a male. I think that would be quite common. So for me, for us, we think it's a good place to start, re-start :). Like I said, it didn't work so well when we kissed first and asked questions later. We found it more helpful to think of jealousy as a word for all the emotions in the too hard basket, so it did lead to a lot hard basket emotion. Especially from our friend, who wanted to spend alone time with my partner which was hard, since we were travelling at the time and I was left out by my travel buddies. And it was weird too because we were all good friends, but once they'd crossed that physical boundary I was "just" a friend, and she was something more with my partner. But we let it go on too long because that's the only paradigm (?) we knew. I'd like to do more reading about it, I have my own theories why it is people only feel close with someone after they've had sex with them. I reckon mono dating and poly dating follow the same rules, it's hard to go against the grain especially when the only thing you know is what you don't like.

Will keep my eye out for poly poly people :)
 
One possibility

.............

So what has changed? Is the term "Poly" just different for younger generations? Is there a change in dating? Or is there no change and its really just the same as when I was young with the word poly given to it?

RP,

One possibility I see is that a new term has appeared that seems to be a better fit for where people are wanting their love style to go.
I think there's has been in the past a certain guideline/assumption that when people are just 'dating', i.e. going through that checking each other out phase, that any discussion about who else might be in the picture and at what level (emotional,physical) is avoided. Kind of an extension of the don't ask / don't tell approach if you will.

But there's a certain discomfort with that approach - for everyone. On the self side it can seem less than genuine and honest, and I think everyone realizes the danger in that to even a 'potential' relationship. Where does that line cross between what's been 'hidden', 'lied about' etc. and what was expected to be avoided. Way too much wiggle room here to cry foul later.

So I think there's this attraction to this newly discovered (?) model that looks like it can cut through some of that. It's like......"ok - let's all be open and honest about everything" ! Ok ! <huge grin> Define EVERYTHING !?
Now the fun begins.........
By 'claiming' poly, you could basically be stating that you have every intention of having multiple people in your life that you intend to really care about and have sex with etc. And anyone new needs to understand that about you. A lot said in a word.

But I think that most people who have 'studied' poly potential see a lot of the good possibilities in comparison to the way it previously went in establishing and maintaining relationships so there's a natural attraction to at least 'try' it. And to advertise that you ARE trying it. Therefore the latching on to a new label.

Is it likely a bit less than accurate in many/most cases ? I suspect so.
But that seems how usage of terms and labels evolve.

GS
 
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