Help! I have a bisexual girlfriend!

Christian

New member
Sorry for the title. It's true, but also meant to garner attention.

My name is Christian (M) and I am in a very good relationship with a girl named Eve. Eve is bisexual and I knew that from day one. In fact, it was a fight between me and a lesbian friend of mine as to who would "get" her. Of course, it wasn't really our decision. Lol.

When we started dating, she really downplayed her attraction to girls and lesbian sex. But, after about a year she wanted to start talking about girls. I wasn't against it, as I actually have a long history of dating bi and gay girls. I am a pretty feminine guy (I've always joked that I must be the stepping stone for some of them). For, Eve that is not the case, as her ONLY sexual experiences before me where lesbian. So, I know it's not her "coming out" or anything. If anything, she is actually obsessed with me. (In a good way)

But now she is expressing that she would like to at some point have sex with girls again. Here is where (according to my noob research into this lifestyle) where it differs from what I think most must mean with "polyamory" She says she has no desire to "love" them (beyond that which is what one should do). She made her point clear that it is only a sexual thing she wants. And she would prefer me to be present (as in, in the room or house at the time, but not a threesome).

My response: at first I was excited, as most guys would be with the "fantasy" of girl-on-girl sex. Then I was contemplative about what that would mean. I believe that I am a monogamous person. I feel that that is what helps me be my best. I believe she could have sex with these girls and it not "hurt" her state of stability. She also has stated that she would never want me to sexually participate with her girlfriends. She admits it would be a jealousy factor. She also said that if I were bi, she would be okay with me sleeping with other males.

Is this lopsided and bad, even if that is not what I'd choose to do?

Is this a common form of this lifestyle, to have the bisexual partner be the only one exploring other sexual partners?

I have read many things here stating that ground rules are important. We have discussed them.

She has made it very clear to me that she wants to marry me. I have reservations about marriage, but it's something I'm working through. She doesn't want to really have girlfriends until we are married. Her sincerity and commitment to our relationship is not at all in question.

Is there someone on here like me, with a wife or fiance who wants to have something similar? How is it for you? I know, from a fantasy standpoint, many guys would kill to have two or more girls in their bed, but how does it make one feel that you can't touch, only be there and look?

Sorry for the long post. I just want to learn as much as I can before making a decision. Thank you.
 
I have a partner who is bi, and he has a bf that he sees from time to time. It is also more of a sexual attraction than a deep relationship. Altho, with the guy he is with now, I have seen that it is developing to more than a friendship, which is perfectly fine with me.

Having said that, I recently had the opportunity to join them. I have been with him and other guys before, but this was different. I really felt like I was intruding and didn't belong there. And I think in the future, at least for a while, that I'll find somewhere else to be when they are together. I am really happy that he has found such a friend with benefits, but I don't want to intrude on that personal time for them.

I also have another relationship, but it is long term and much more than just sexual, so it's quite different than what they have.

All relationships are different. It's just whatever works best for you. But I wouldn't choose to be the odd one out if my SO was involved in the bedroom without me.
 
First, being bisexual doesn't equal being poly. There are plenty of monogamous bisexual people out there. Your problem is that she wants an open relationship, not that she is bisexual.

Second, I would be very leery of any partner that wants something, but sets restrictions based upon jealousy. I find it funny when a woman says to their male partner, "I want to sleep with other girls. I wouldn't be jealous if you slept with a guy, but I would be jealous if you slept with a girl," or vice versa (a man telling his female partner that she can sleep with other women but not men). This is one reason why I don't fit in well with he swinger community, because although most of the couples claim to be open, there is a hell of a lot of jealousy simmering underneath a whole lotta denial.
 
Feedback

Hi Christian,

I think Ceoli made a couple good points for you above. I'll try to add a little helpful clarity, if possible.

I seems to me that there are a lot of misconceptions out there regarding what "polyamory" really is, in both theory and practice. It's complicated, yet simple.

It's my guess that the majority of people who find themselves involved with a variety of "poly" (meaning multiple) lifestyles got started down that path from a sexual jumping-off point. Exceptions apply, of course, but my suspicion is that the majority get started that way. Sexuality is a big deal, in human nature, in culture, etc.

Right now, you seem poised on that launching pad and are about to take off-- but in WHAT direction? A lot of people like to stand polyamory on one extreme and swinging on the other. We tend to drape a net between them to also catch all the possible variations in between. At some point, you'll discover where your ship lands, on one end or the other, or maybe in the net.

But here's where we see a critical point of understanding you will have to search YOURSELF for. It appears you are launching from a primarily sexual platform-- pretty common. The question now becomes: if in the course of pursuing this path you discover that an emotional element enters, i.e., some true bonding (love in all its variations),how will THAT feel to you? What will it mean to you if/when your GF professes some deeper connection to another person, be they male/female/TG, whatever? Or, what if it happens to YOU? How will you both feel about that?

It's a good discussion to get out on the table right at square one. Also, keep in mind that your views at any given moment are subject to evolution, but having the facts and possibilities in front of you are critical to building strong relationships.

I hope that helps some.

GS
 
Wow. Thanks, guys. Keep it coming. Some really good points for me to think about.

I have brought up the idea to her, since she has put restrictions up based on jealousy. Like, if I were present, what if I became attracted to her girlfriend? I don't plan on that, but know it could be a possible scenario. She said she'd be okay with that, and that it would be something we could share between the two of us, but it would never be okay to act on it. Honestly, I don't think I would want to act on it, as I don't think that is what would make me happy. But maybe I would feel better about it if I were given that choice. Who knows?

I have time to think about it, as we've both agreed to not doing anything with others until we are married.

Please keep the advice coming. It is helpful. Thank you.
 
Oh, and Ceoli, thank you for your response. Just to clarify, I was using the title of this thread to just get it read and answered. I do not equate bisexual to poly.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I am afraid of her bisexuality.
 
Oh, and Ceoli, thank you for your response. Just to clarify, I was using the title of this thread to just get it read and answered. I do not equate bisexual to poly.

I didnt mean to make it sound like I am afraid of her bisexuality.

That's cool. Thanks!
 
Great points, all. Really helpful to everyone.

I'm female. I am bi, and my hubby has always known that. My bf understands that I am, too. They both (shakes head laughingly) get a kick out of the fact they can point out other girls to me and ask my honest opinion from an attraction standpoint.

My hubby is a great balance between male and female. He is very masculine, but he is mentally and physically balanced in the way he lives life and understands things in this life. It's pretty cool.

My bf is very masculine, period, but with a very deep connection to the kinetic world, which attracted me to him 11 years ago, as I do not typically like masculine guys.

I do not actively search for a female. I am just open to the fact that hubby might find a gf one day and we both understand that she has to fit with the two of us, not just him, BECAUSE of my attraction to woman.

I do not find all woman sexually attractive or even look at most men and women that way. There are a rare few men or women in the world that I even look at as attractive, let alone go 'Oh wow, they are really beautiful people.' I just look at people like this: who they are overall.

For my bf though, it's fun to work out with him and chat about girls. I often will tell him (don't judge for this, lol): 'She is a BL, Babe, she's all yours.' As in, if he were to go for that particular chick, I would not fight him for her, as she would be a 'blameless lay,' from my perspective, for him. lol.
 
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She made her point clear that it is only a sexual thing she wants. She would prefer me to be present (as in, in the room or house at the time, but not a threesome).

She also has stated that she would never want me to sexually participate with her girlfriends and admits there would be a jealousy factor,


She wants you to "be present" and watch but not "participate"? Watching IS a form of participation.

I don't have the training to professionally psychoanalyze this, but it sounds like your girlfriend has issues with controlling others. It sounds like she needs to be in complete control of everything you do (at least when it comes to sex and/or "polyamory"). It is not enough for her to say "Run along, I'm going to have sexy-fun-time with my girlfriend. See you at dinner." She needs to have you breathing the air in the same room at the same time as the lesbian sex is happening, BUT NO TOUCHING (and that would probably include touching YOURSELF).

Pfeh.
 
Ygirl, I appreciate your insight. I think you touched on what does make me feel a bit strange about it. But, to be fair, she said she wouldn't mind if I were to masturbate during these events. But, yes, I would never be allowed to "join."

Is this something that could be done once, but if I felt like it wasn't a comfortable scenario for me, we could back out without damaging "our" relationship? Or do you guys think it's a Pandora's box, that once open, could not be closed?
 
Probably safe & necessary exploration

Hey Christian,

I think it's probably safe territory to explore, maybe even necessary. I think most people have at least a little bit of both an exhibitionist and voyeur side to them, and it would be good for all to find out just where that part sits for you both. She may just have a strong exhibitionist side (or fantasy) that needs exploring. But it could be something else, a power thing, dominant tendencies. She will control your place. (Everyone deep into BDSM can add more clarity, if need be.) You should find this out. You might as well do it now.

You'll also learn equivalent lessons about yourself. How much of a voyeur are you? How important to you is this idea? How comfortable are you with her being in control of your desires? All good stuff to know about ourselves and prospective partners.
 
Thank you, GroundedSpirit. Good ideas to think about.

I think theoretically I am a voyeur. So maybe that would be enough for me. I suppose a part of me is also afraid i would "like" it too much. By that, I mean I would never want to "need" it, or want more later. I have the ability to obsess over things. But, I also don't know if I want my fears to hold her back from something she obviously wants.
 
Another thing is, even if it is "just sex," her theoretical partner (the other girl) is more than a piece of flesh. It would have to depend on how SHE feels about being watched, because what you have described is essentially a threesome. Even if you are not touching either one of them, if you are voyeuristic, watching, turned on, playing with yourself, and/or having an orgasm because of their sexy-fun-time, it WOULD be a THREESOME because there would be THREE people involved.

If that is all good with all three of you (you, Eve, and whoever the other girl would be), then RAWK! It's these little stipulations and minutiae that are supposed to cushion one person's insecurities at the expense of others that send up red flags for me.

But I don't really care, since I'm not one of the people involved. You do whatever makes sense to you.

Hope you have a good one!
 
I liked how you said in your first post that being mono is what makes you be your best, or something like that. Thank you for that.

Thank you, Ygirl, for pointing out what was making me uncomfortable. Where is the third person in all this? Its a skewed dynamic you are talking about. It would be better to find a blow-up doll. It's essentially a "unicorn" you are looking for. I agree, this would be a threesome. I would suggest girlfriend not involve you at all at first and see where it all goes. It's her thing, after all, and it bugs me that she is being rather bossy and selfish about it. I get that she is sharing what she would want, but why should you be around for that?
 
Thank you, Ygirl, for pointing out what was making me uncomfortable. Where is the third person in all this?!

I was going to say something about that. But that's a bell I ring pretty often, so I thought I'd take a break lest too many eyes roll.
 
Hi Christian,

I am fairly new to poly, and I am bisexual. So is my primary, who is a woman. We allow each other leeway to seek out lovers of any gender (M, F, trans, queer). It would never occur to me to ask her to be present with me and one of my lovers (all of whom presently are male), to look but not touch. I mean we are open to a threeway, should that happen, but it's not a requirement.

Why does she "need" your presence when she's sexing someone else?

Wouldn't it be fun enough for her, just with this hypothetical lover, one on one?

On the surface, it looks like she loves you so much, she wants you there to enhance it, or it wouldn't be fun for her. But, otoh, I am getting a D/s vibe from that. Do you know much abt BDSM? It seems like it's a turn on to her to limit your participation to watching only. It could be a form of sexual torture.

Do you feel that power dynamic in your relationship presently at all?

And the "only after marriage" thing seems a bit unusual, fetishistic. Almost ritualistic.
 
Magdlyn, thank you for pointing out some other things. To answer your question, no, I don't presently see much BDSM here, but I do not know a whole lot about it.

As for the requirement of me being there, I don't know why for sure, but she says it has a lot to do with fidelity. As in, she feels it's not "cheating" if I am there (as in, at least at home)

Is this a form of polyamory, or is it something else? Does anybody see this as a future trainwreck, or would this be a relatively safe thing to do?

By the way, thank you to everyone who has added to this conversation. :)
 
The thing about D/s is that the submissive partner freely gives up control to the Dominant partner and gets "off" in the process of doing so. D/s is NOT about the D bullying or blackmailing the s into giving up control. Also, the D takes the responsibility of PLEASING the s within such a dynamic. Kinkiness is supposed to be FUN for everyone involved. It is NOT a healthy way to express a fundamental imbalance of power in a relationship, nor is it a way for the D to work out their issues with control or insecurity using other people as a therapeutic device.

If you are a Dominant or submissive type of personality in everyday situations and need to step outside yourself for a mental vacation, but your life-partner (or bf, gf, husband, wife, whatever) is JUST NOT INTO THAT (in other words, they are "vanilla"), there are people out there who do BDSM professionally for a fee. But this is NOT something that works if one person is into it and the other(s) are not.
 
Is this a form of polyamory or is it something else?

I'll go out on a limb and say no, this is not poly. She said it was about sex and not about loving. Amory means love.

If it's all about sex, it belongs somewhere else. Not a judgement, just recognizing that poly does have something to do with caring about the person you are with, and not just fucking them. Although there is a wide interpretation of what "caring for them" means.
 
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You're getting lots of good questions from the group but I have one thing to add--

If I were you, I would work out these things waay before getting married.

You both seem to be so unsure of where your sexual lives are taking you, I'd think making sure you're sexually compatible beforehand is a must.

One more thing about marriage. When I got married, it certainly wasn't at the "ideal" time in my life. I certainly didn't have everything worked out and probably never will, but something is sticking in my craw.

Your gf has never been with a man, plus
She is pushing you to marry, plus
Once you are married, and not before, she will want to have sex with women again, equals:
She doesn't want you involved, but wants you in the room, her husband, approving, but not actively participating in her FF encounter


Is it possible that she has chosen you, the first man she has slept with, to marry her so you can help her justify her sexuality to herself?

I could be way off. I'm no good at math.
 
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