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Old 01-10-2019, 07:10 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,015
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I have reconnected with my therapist and will go next week.
I did go away with Mr Lime. It was a lot of fun. I had a weekend trip with Prof with too. Also fun.

Very fed up with being the strong independent one so that th other females get to be weak and drama filled.

I lost my temper with Prof last week. Ms Cherry's stuff was all over his house. I was so angry. After years of his restrictions on even leaving a toothbrush I am informed that Ms Cherry has a drawer and considers herself "primary". But you see, "she needs it, she is having a lot of tough times, she needs extra". Not a direct quote but that was the gist of it.

I was livid. Prof is doing the same thing, it was Ms Text and the pages of rules that they needed to be special to each other, it was Ms White Pickett Fence and her genius skills that were being wasted in Starbucks and now it is Ms Cherry who needs support because of family drama.

I ended up shouting about his need for " drama bitches " in his life. I am not proud of this at all.

Prof said that I am the permanent steady in his life. Great!!!!! /s Let the drama bitches get the priority and I get the leftovers.

I had the same meltdown with Mr Lime. "But the wife needs me, she doesn't work much, we have been separated for 8 years but we haven't filed for divorce because of the house, money, kids. How about you be patient and see where it goes?" Again, not an accurate quote but the gist of it.


What the fundamental base problem with all this is me. I go for the same thing over and over again but expect a different result.

Mr Dom came over with his GF of about a year for tea and chit chat while he picked up the dog. He is moving, again, and will spend 3 nights a week sleeping in his car at work and then go home the the other nights. This is what he did with the GF before me , with me, and now the new GF. The same behavior!!!! At the most basic level he can't live with someone full-time and would rather sleep in trucks, or work supplied accommodation than be with someone 7 nights per week.

The patterns of behavior are so ingrained. The older you get the more impossible it seems to have any meaningful or lasting change.

My ex has filled for an increase in child-support. He wants me to pay him more. I worked my ass off for years, studied for years, and he wants me to subsidize his lazy ass. Court dates are lined up, piles of paperwork to be filled in and filled in. I am so glad I changed jobs before this all started but on paper, I am fucked. We live live in an extremely high cost of living area but the cost of housing is not taken into consideration. Most of my money goes to the mortgage, but the court doesn't care. I earn significantly more than he does because I sell my soul to the commute and medical insurance. I have filed to impute his income. He could work- full time but chooses not to.
I was contemplating moving back to the higher stress but higher income job in 2 years, but there is no chance in hell of that now. The person who took on half of my previous job is going to quit because of the amount of time involved. I work hard, very hard for my kids, but I am not going to put in any more effort till my youngest turns 18 and that is years away. I took the pay-cut knowing I would be counting every penny but figuring it was worth it for my children. And now I have to pay out to equalize the income between lazy ass and me??????? Brutal.

So I am functioning in a state of anger. Anger that I am supporting Prof emotionally so he can support Ms Cherry. Angry I am supporting Mr Lime emotionally so he can support the wife ( he lives in one room in a rented house so all the money can go to wife and kids ) and angry that I am am supporting my ex so he can get away with not working and live with his GF. I am mostly angry with myself for being in the same situation year after year. I don't squeak, so I don't get the oil. And when I do squeak and I get the horrified reaction, " But, but, but you are the strong independent one, I like you because you are not needy." I give out endless support. I am the rock. The always steady. I have created this. I have set this up. Over and over again.

What is my goal? What do I want? It is lost in in my need to make others happy. So, therapy.
__________________
Me: mid 40s female.
Prof: late 50s. 5+ years.
Mr Dom: early 50s . Ex BF and now good friend.
Mr Six: early 50s. FWB for 3+ years.
Mr Lime: Early 50s. Recent meet. Kinky Dom.
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