Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-16-2018, 07:57 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 3,465

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I find that people who use primary/secondary labels tend to fall too easily into the prescriptive use. People who want to use them descriptively can find better ways to describe the situation without using words that are potentially hurtful.
Well said. I agree.
male, bisexual & biamorous
1 long term male partner of many years.
1 newly forming additional connection (maybe?).
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2018, 10:22 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 2,032

In my core configuration (the V of myself as hinge, Hubby, and my boyfriend), we do our best to avoid hierarchy. My boyfriend, not having a life-entangled partner, seems to do pretty well treating his partners fairly. I won't say equally, because in my mind it's impossible to treat different people equally, and fair does not always mean equal. Fair, to me at least, means giving each person what they *need*, and people don't always have equal needs. Fair, to me, also means prioritizing needs over wants, regardless of whose need or want it is.

(It may be worth noting that despite being legally entangled with Hubby, if someone were to order me to declare someone as my primary, it wouldn't be him. The legal entanglements are pretty much all we have; we love each other, but time together is generally not a thing. We might have something that could be termed a "date" two or three times a year, if that, and otherwise we don't even usually interact when we're home, other than a hug as we pass each other in the hallway or a kiss hello or goodbye when one of us is leaving or coming home. I don't consider him a secondary, but it would be hard to consider him a primary under those circumstances. And yes, he knows this.)

I do see other people who would probably be considered secondary partners of mine, mostly because I don't really consider any of them partners. They're friends I sometimes kink with or have sex with. Two of them do have hierarchical relationship structures, and I prefer not to get into a full-fledged relationship in which I'm going to be the secondary. It may be a semantic distinction, but if I'm just a friend-with-benefits to these other guys, that doesn't make me feel "less than" the way being termed a "secondary" would.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:16 AM.