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Old 09-14-2018, 05:31 AM
sfindependent sfindependent is offline
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Default did i do the right thing? i'm so confused right now

After a while of living a life that basically rail roaded a lot of good relationships, I decided to keep my relationships open. casual. painfully honest.

I think because of this, I've been having wonderful relationships. I met wonderful people. Had short but fulfilling relationships. I even still at this time, have been seeing one that as lasted for over a year. Nothing serious. We just have fun, sometimes dates. But nothing that calls upon anything more than dates and a bit of a connection. A few friends even agree, my destiny so to speak, may be to lead a polyamorous life. A few close friends mentioned I looked happier and more content with my relationships.

I met Farmer's Daughter about Mid June or so. And it was great. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was inclusive. She included me in her day. And we were very communicative with each other. We had the same humor. The same music preferences. And we both wanted kids in the end. We also had the same values. She always said "we'll figure it out", "we'll be good" and the like.

But 3 weeks ago, we had a talk. We planned to go camping (in the short amount of time we were together, we had a couple of day long, out of the city drives amongst other things) and went out hanging with my friends the night before. That morning, I decided to "have the talk". Not the define the relationship talk, but rather, talk about what we wanted. I decided to stick with my guns, try out the poly life, and she wanted to be monogamous. It was a defining moment. No crying was involved. We decided to break up. After we decided to break up, we carried our way through out the day. I made her breakfast, watched a movie, had sex. Stayed in bed. Then we decided to have lunch. We held hands. Kissed. PDA'd. Then we went to get ice cream, stopped by a pharmacy, then went window shopping. We carried about our day. We got back to my place, watched another movie, then had sex again. She said, as she left that she's not the type to let things linger. She implied that she didn't talk to ex lovers, and wanted a clean break. She teared up in the end, but otherwise it was amicable.

i went about my life, aside from my other life situations. Saw my other lovers. But this time, they felt different. I keep thinking of Farmer's. We were friends. We had great chemistry. But we had to end it because of something i'm going through, or at least feel whom I should be. I'm not sure.

I feel conflicted. I'm worried that my old life, or rather, my "poly life" (i put quotation marks on it, because i'm still in doubt as to who I am") would get in the way. Her concerns are valid, but i think so is mine.

We haven't talked since we parted ways. I have other things to focus on, and as much as i want to compartmentalize my life, such like this post I can't.

Did i do the right thing? How do I make up my mind? I feel we left things on such a good note, I feel this is up to me.

Lastly, a friend of mine asked me "are these people important to you?". They're not. Not at least future wise. Farmer knows this.

I'm confused.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:59 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are struggling with the break up.

FWIW? It sounds like you both are pretty clear. In the end, she wants monogamy. In the end, you don't.

To me it sounds like you are entering the post break up zone -- where you have to review the relationship, digest the break up. "Did I do the right thing?" is part of all that.

But if you don't want monogamy, then yes. You did the right thing. All things considered, it sounds like it was a good parting. Those could be treasured -- not all break ups are that peaceful.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2018 at 01:20 PM.
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Old 09-14-2018, 02:32 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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If you believe you can make the choice to be monogamous with Farmer's Daughter for the long haul, and truly stick to it, then you might wish to reconsider your options before it's too late. (Since you say you and she as deeply compatible on many levels and you really don't care much about your other lovers.)

But be honest WITH YOURSELF about this. Because if you do get back with her and promise her monogamy, but somewhere inside yourself you fear you won't be able to sustain this model, then you're only going to hurt her MORE in the long run, and yourself in the process.
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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Old 09-14-2018, 10:14 PM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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It sounds like a lovely experience, a mature level of communication, and a mutual decision based solidly in the best information you both had at the time, and still have.

Lots of things can be right about a relationship, but without key elements (such as being true to yourself and respectful of your long-term needs) it’s not going to be a fit. I’m sorry you couldn’t keep the friendship and enjoy the chemistry, but that distance, too, was a need for one of you.

I’ve learned not to treat love as an emergency. If you have to make drastic changes or leaps of faith, on short notice (quick! Before they get away!) odds are you are setting yourself or someone up for disappointment. Give it time and distance. Maybe you grow out of polyamory, and this person or someone like them comes (back) into your life. Maybe you have more experiences like this, and recognize that they are a part of the journey that you learn to love and accept, while staying true to your idea of self.

I’m sorry it hurts. I admire your sense, and I celebrate the goodness you enjoyed in that relationship.

SlowPoly • hinge in an open V • living between two homes

Mitch • life partner • co-parent • former LDR
Woof • life partner • co-parent • former spouse

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Old 09-14-2018, 11:07 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello sfindependent,

Only you can decide whether polyamory or monogamy is right for you, polyamory is not for everyone, monogamy is not for everyone either. Each person is different. You are questioning your poly living, but not questioning based on the merits of poly itself, but rather on the urgency of wanting to get Farmer's Daughter back. I want to say don't think about her, or don't think that much about her, but maybe that's just not possible. Right now you need to think about poly, only poly, do not think about Farmer's Daughter. Is monogamy what you truly want? Can you live monogamously for the next ten, fifty years and be happy? Think long and hard about that.

I don't think FD (Farmer's Daughter) would really want to get back together again unless she could be sure that you were sure (about monogamy). 100% sure. Since you seem to be entering a time of questioning, you're confused, you feel conflicted, it stands to reason that FD must not be in your life. I suppose it's conceivable that she could come back someday, after you arrive at 100% certainty, but do not bank on that, just consider it a bonus if it happens. People will come and go in your life, some will be great matches, others will be meh. It's entirely possible that an even better match than FD will come along eventually, have faith in that possibility.

In the meantime, dedicate yourself to examining the poly question. Is polyamory a thing of your past? Is it immature? Are you ready for monogamy? Do you want to be ready for monogamy? Is it the best thing? Is it the best thing for you? Don't try to determine what course of action you'll take until you've answered those questions. Keep in mind that quite a few people out there prefer polyamory, a long-term polyamorous relationship is possible. On the same token, don't say that you want poly unless you're sure. Maybe poly is just a phase for you right now. But do the thinking necessary to decide one way or another. Now is the time to do that.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 09-15-2018, 02:48 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by sfindependent View Post
A few friends even agree, my destiny so to speak, may be to lead a polyamorous life....we had to end it because of something i'm going through, or at least feel whom I should be. I'm not sure.
Polyamory is not necessarily a destiny or any hard wired inclination, it can also often simply be a choice of relationship style. It sounds to me as though your struggle is with commitment more than it is with the question of how many loves you can hold in your heart. Your experience of poly is one of freedom and sexuality with friends and it sounds like this has been great for you - but this is just one of many forms that polyamory takes. So while you're figuring out what works for you, keep in mind that polyamory is not synonymous with "casual relationships," although poly certainly can be that. Poly is about being able to love more than one person at time, not about a commitment level. Are you going through a period of exploring what level of intimacy, commitment, freedom and security are important for you or are you exploring whether having multiple love relationships is important for you? Clarifying this for yourself will help you think about whether a relationship with Farmer's Daughter is right for you.
~ Karen

Last edited by FallenAngelina; 09-15-2018 at 02:50 PM.
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Old 09-16-2018, 06:24 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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"A reason, a season, or a lifetime." Usually said of friendships, but applies equally well to romantic relationships.

Some people are saying "Can you be monogamous with this person for 5, 10, 50 years?"

My question is: What guarantee does anyone have that any relationship is going to last 1 year let alone 50? Getting married doesn't guarantee that two people won't grow in different directions, and find themselves 15 years later with different core values than when they met, becoming completely incompatible where once they were a perfect match.

I'm a "one day at a time" kind of person. If you're happy today with the person and you're not feeling like you're missing out on other relationships, then why throw away a good thing just because of some feelings you may or may not have in the future?

Now... I definitely wouldn't recommend marrying a monogamous person when you're not sure you can be monogamous for the rest of your life. But if you're content being monogamous for this year and you're enjoying a good relationship, why break-up now? Why not wait until you start to feel some actual dissatisfaction with the relationship, either because you feel yourself longing for someone else and you're not able to explore that, or simply because grow apart for other reasons?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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