Privacy concerns

You guys should get whatsapp.

Alright, london. What's whatsapp?

And hey. at least someone is being entertained here.
 
I don't know, doesn't seem like you went actively searching and what you did was probably something most would do in that situation. If he's that paranoid about you seeing stuff about his children then it's up to him to protect that information.

This is the way I see it too.

He obviously does not see it that way. He sees it as a really horrible thing to do, and he's torn. He's mad enough that he thinks he should dump me. He's asking questions on fetlife that make it sound like I outed him to his kids.

I am frustrated. Not sure if I should go on the thread and clarify what we're actually talking about or just fucking give up on this whole drama fest.
 
I found whatsapp - I think it only works on phones though? I am always on a laptop. Otherwise we'd use kik or something.
 
Well, we're going to try to work through the drama fest. But I have to reduce my engagement a little, for my own sanity. This hurts.
 
I'm glad you will work through the drama and you are stepping back some. Could not go on the fetlife thread to defend -- just deal with him direct. You have enough going on without more people in it.

You could have told him "Hey, since we have new boundaries I wanted to let you know to remember to check your gmail/googleplus. I rarely use it but I wanted you to know I turned my link to you off on my end. I also want you to be aware that by clicking on you, people can link to your kids mom stuff, and there see pix of the kids. So if that bothers you, you could review your Gmail/Google settings not just to me but others."

Then he can choose to unlink the mom and/or talk to her about the kids online presence.

Again, if he is this nervy about this digital information, he could not link to you. Totally makes it a non-issue. Do HIS side of the job so he can feel about about his digital prescence/connections online.

Alternately you could have disconnected from him in your gmail/google things and keep your end of the deal. Told him you disconnect there to honor your agreements.

And in noticing that he has loose things flapping out there from connecting to other people? Could NOT tell him that bit at this time. Could remind him to check his gmail/google at some other time later down when the recent hooha isn't so fresh so he doesn't retrigger. And at THAT time, let him choose to deal with it or not. Wouldn't kill anyone to hold off on the reminder for a few weeks.

He seems to have a problem owning that what he connects to is HIS BEHAVIOR. And he can control his behavior.

But in your behavior -- you seem to be very impulsive. I think stepping back and learning to not plunge ahead with whatever it is RIGHT NOW could be a good thing.

If he's not helping (you and him) to meet new agreements and you are not helping (you and him) to meet new agreements in this transitional time while (you and him) are reviewing your individual digital things and personal behaviors -- why make these agreements? :confused:

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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I'm glad you will work through the drama and you are stepping back some. Could not go on the fetlife thread to defend -- just deal with him direct. You have enough going on without more people in it.
Yeah. I'm staying out of it. It was hard for a while because the way he worded it (to me) sounded a lot worse than I thought it was, and the consensus was to dump me for disrespect/boundary crossing. Messing with his kids in any way shape or form is his biggest dealbreaker - and apparently viewing photos that he has not specifically sent to me impinges on that.
You could have told him "Hey, since we have new boundaries I wanted to let you know to remember to check your gmail/googleplus. I rarely use it but I wanted you to know I turned my link to you off on my end. I also want you to be aware that by clicking on you, people can link to your kids mom stuff, and there see pix of the kids. So if that bothers you, you could review your Gmail/Google tsettings not just to me but others."
I didn't think of saying that first. You're right on the impulsiveness (below). I just clicked, and when I realized it he wouldn't be happy I told him, closed the tab and took him out of my circles.
Then he can choose to unlink the mom and/or talk to her about the kids online presence.

Again, if he is this nervy about this digital information, he could not link to you. Totally makes it a non-issue. Do HIS side of the job so he can feel about about his digital prescence/connections online.
I do not understand why he does not understand this part. I keep my kids' stuff separate for this very reason.
If he's not helping you and him to meet new agreements and you are not helping you and him to meet new agreements in this transitional time while you and him are reviewing your individual digital things -- why do make these agreements? :confused:
We made the agreements so he would feel more comfortable, and I guess I'm not used to them yet. I have been very careful not to go looking for stuff. I did not think I'd encounter it randomly like this, so my clicky fingers got there before my brain remembered to stop. 'Photo of baby? So adorable!!! must look at! aww.... oh wait. oops. my bad.'
Alternately you could have disconnected from him in your gmail/google things and keep your end of the deal. Told him you disconnect there to honor your agreements.
I have taken him out of my circles now. I did not stop and think to do so before I looked - ergo, the damage is already done.
And in noticing that he has loose things flapping out there from connecting to other people? Could NOT tell him that bit at this time. Could remind him to check his gmail/google at some other time later down when the recent hooha isn't so fresh so he doesn't retrigger. And at THAT time, let him choose to deal with it or not. Wouldn't kill anyone to hold off on the reminder for a few weeks.
Yeah. I don't think I specified exactly, but she has all her photos set to 'public', not friends only (or whatever the equivalent setting is on google+). So maybe good to remind him to talk to her at a later date.
He seems to have a problem owning that what he connects to is HIS BEHAVIOR. And he can control his behavior.
Yeah.
But in your behavior -- you seem to be very impulsive. I think stepping back and learning to not plunge ahead with whatever it is RIGHT NOW could be a good thing.
This is true. It's also likely to be the death of this relationship - he's told me that one more instance of boundary crossing/trust breaking - intentional or not - and we're through. (Three strikes?) So not only am I trying to be less impulsive, I'm backing up in this relationship a little, cause, I'm not perfect, and I'll probably fuck something else up, and if this hurts this much - how much more is it going to hurt later? He said it was only a tiny part of him that said 'not yet' to ending it, the majority of him was saying 'done'. But he's going with the minority, because I was honest with him.
Hang in there.
Galagirl
Thanks.
 
Again, I think that he finds her snoopy and doesn't like it.
 
Again, I think that he finds her snoopy and doesn't like it.

I think you're right. So I'm probably getting dumped soon.
 
What group is the Fet discussion in. I would like to see his point of view. You know, my mum is a bit like that. She will say "well, I needed a lighter, and even though there was no reason to think one would be in that box under your bed, I checked anyway and I saw some private stuff of yours." She just doesn't get it.
 
What group is the Fet discussion in. I would like to see his point of view. You know, my mum is a bit like that. She will say "well, I needed a lighter, and even though there was no reason to think one would be in that box under your bed, I checked anyway and I saw some private stuff of yours." She just doesn't get it.

"ask a female a question without being made to feel like a jerk for asking! (including penis questions)"

hasn't had any answers in a few hours so it's on the second page. He doesn't go into a lot of detail.

I hope I'm not that bad (as your mum). I don't go looking in things that are put away (online or off). But if stuff is out on the public internet (or public real space)? I have more trouble understanding the wrongness in looking.
 
Right, I do think he is being a tad hypersensitive to what could actually happen from a Google search, but he did lay the boundary. I think the last thing you did was totally innocent and not you snooping. If something like that happens again, don't tell him, it isn't you snooping. But if you do the type of research you did before, that is a clear boundary violation. However, because he is wary of you from last time, you'll never be able to explain the difference.
 
I loved one of your writings so you can see who I am.
 
Right, I do think he is being a tad hypersensitive to what could actually happen from a Google search, but he did lay the boundary. I think the last thing you did was totally innocent and not you snooping. If something like that happens again, don't tell him, it isn't you snooping. But if you do the type of research you did before, that is a clear boundary violation. However, because he is wary of you from last time, you'll never be able to explain the difference.

Well, thanks for the support. Like you said, though, he's wary, I'll never be able to explain the difference if anything happens again. Or even this time. So - it's precarious.
 
I don't think you quite got my drift so let me try again... :eek:

If he's not helping you and him to meet new agreements and you are not helping you and him to meet new agreements in this transitional time while you and him are reviewing your individual digital things -- why do make these agreements?

We made the agreements so he would feel more comfortable, and I guess I'm not used to them yet. I have been very careful not to go looking for stuff. I did not think I'd encounter it randomly like this, so my clicky fingers got there before my brain remembered to stop. 'Photo of baby? So adorable!!! must look at! aww.... oh wait. oops. my bad.'

I know you are not used to them yet. You are in a a transition space.

I was talking about HIM owning his behavior and HIM acknowledging that "change" is not instant like the flick of a light switch. It takes TIME. What is HE doing to help him feel more comfortable?

To get mad at YOU because HIS KID MOM puts things of their kids out there? Makes no sense.

  • To stop YOU from seeing it, he could unlink you.
  • To stop kid pix being "out there" and accessible through him, he could ask the kid mom to stop posting them and/or he could unlink from her to cut down access. (Since he can ask, but he cannot control what she posts.)

You can do things from your side of it too. And thus be YOU helping to meet agreements.

But he's not seeming to help himself to be more comfortable or help his partner (you) to meet agreements. He's just sitting there complaining! :rolleyes:

This is a SHARED agreement, right? He's expected to hold up his end of it? Or is it all you to carry alone? Only you are held accountable to this and you can expect no help from him in meeting the agreement?

If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?

This stuff doesn't seem like horrible or unusual behavior to me:

  • You could look at your google/gmail stuff. It's your stuff.
  • You can look at anyone you link to. They accepted your invite to link up.
  • Anyone they are linked to that is public access? You are free to cruise. They are responsible for what data they put up that isn't secure.

The part I found impulsive is this part of the story...

  • You realizing that he prob would not like that.
  • You stopped, hopefully unlinked to meet your new agreement.
  • Then you went to blurt at him what you did.

This is the part I found impulsive. Blurting and not taking time to think out HOW you say it to him.

I don't know if you were hoping for kudos for meeting the new agreement or what. But when you know he does not currently own his behavior and recently triggered, is it a realistic expectation that being blurted at could cause him to retrigger? Probably. I'm not saying to never tell him... just could pick your TIMING better and HOW you express yourself better. In this case blurting did not seem to serve you well, since it spawned a fresh hooha with the triggery dude.

Both partners here could help each other with their stuff so both partners can honor this new agreement rather than bickering some more at each other.

That's the impulsive behavior I am suggesting you could work on. Could stop to think over several options out all the way first, and THEN pick which suits the circumstances best. Not just going with first thought, first action.

If these things are THAT important to him he could take more care. He seems to expect other people to guard his information while he doesn't seem to do anything about it himself at this time. That's what you are dealing with here and we could ask "why does he expect that?" til the cows come home... or you could accept he's this way right now. Who knows what he needs to change this expectation that isn't serving him well? Only him.

But you being blurty on impulse does not seem to ADD to his odds of success in revising his expectations of himself and his behavior so.... could not blurt. That's all I'm saying. You could have come here for a pat on the back for staying inside the new agreement and backing off when you realized you might be entering grey area. Rather than looking for a pat on the back from him at this time (and risk him triggering.)

Hope that clarifies a bit. I do hope you guys work it through and arrive at a better way in time. Hang in there. Changes take time.

Galagirl
 
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Of course, when you are a free user on OKC, when you look at someone's profile, it lets them know. I knew he'd see that I saw it. His reaction when he got the notification was not what I expected - he completely flipped out. He saw it as an invasion of privacy, because I hadn't asked him about an OKC profile, because I'd googled his username. He said it was a double standard that I wanted to keep my privacy but that I violated his.
.

He shouldn't be on the internet with poorly setup security settings if he has any sense of privacy.

You have your privacy set, he doesn't.. maybe show him how to lock it down.

Never, including you, have an expectation of privacy when on the web. Someone can always find something. Its an unfortunate truth of existing on the web.

I know I don't answer the emotional question.. but my answer is implied in my opinion about the internet. Not to mention my immediate head goes "red flag" for this kind of stuff. While I am not nosey, someone telling me not to do something that actually won't hurt anyone, is like a red button. What the heck is he hiding.. NDA, other partners etc. Not a fan of the rule both logically or emotionally.

Read some of your other posts, sounds like it was a deal breaker. Sorry to hear that, but its a deal he shouldn't "need" and you shouldn't "need" to follow.
 
I had something similar happen with my, then rather new, bf. He knew I was on here, polyamory.com, and without telling me, joined the board and did nothing but read my posts, including my blog. I am not sure how much he read, but after a couple weeks, he told me he'd been reading my posts here.

I was really embarrassed because my blog was currently full of my NRE gushings about him. He assumed I'd known he had signed on here, because he had visited my profile here, and he was listed as having recently visited it. But I never look at my profile here, so I had no idea.

Yes, it's a public board and anyone in the world can read my stuff. But, I still felt slightly violated. I have an understanding with my gf that we never read each other's texts, IMs, emails, unless invited. She knows I use this board to vent and work out issues and would never read here. She considers it MY community, and lets me have it as personal space.

Anyway, I don't think Ginger ever really got why I was so embarrassed, but he's a nice guy and agreed to stop reading here.

This social networking stuff is complicated! We all have to understand how it works and figure out our own comfort levels, and find out our partners' comfort levels. I feel bad your bf is ready to dump you over it. Seems rather impatient of him.
 
I don't think you quite got my drift so let me try again... :eek:

I know you are not used to them yet. You are in a a transition space.

I was talking about HIM owning his behavior and HIM acknowledging that "change" is not instant like the flick of a light switch. It takes TIME. What is HE doing to help him feel more comfortable?
This was really helpful - I feel a lot of times that some people in D/s relationships look down at others who can't flick the switch - the ones who say things like 'you agreed, just obey!' as if it really were that easy. It helps to be reminded that I'm not a lost cause because I can't do that.
To get mad at YOU because HIS KID MOM puts things of their kids out there? Makes no sense.
I agree.
  • To stop YOU from seeing it, he could unlink you.
  • To stop kid pix being "out there" and accessible through him, he could ask the kid mom to stop posting them and/or he could unlink from her to cut down access. (Since he can ask, but he cannot control what she posts.)
This makes sense. I agree.
You can do things from your side of it too. And thus be YOU helping to meet agreements.

But he's not seeming to help himself to be more comfortable or help his partner (you) to meet agreements. He's just sitting there complaining! :rolleyes:

This is a SHARED agreement, right? He's expected to hold up his end of it? Or is it all you to carry alone? Only you are held accountable to this and you can expect no help from him in meeting the agreement?
I don't think he thinks of it as a shared agreement. This is a good point. I think he thinks of it as a boundary that he has laid out, and that I am not to cross, regardless. So he is putting it all on me. But, if he wants the obedience that comes with being on the D side of the slash, he needs to do what he can to make it easier to obey, rather than me being set up for failure.
If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?
Because it's a lot easier if things are my fault? I know it goes way off topic, but I've never figured out how things are "supposed" to work when the D type is the one that needs reprimanded.
This stuff doesn't seem like horrible or unusual behavior to me:
  • You could look at your google/gmail stuff. It's your stuff.
  • You can look at anyone you link to. They accepted your invite to link up.
  • Anyone they are linked to that is public access? You are free to cruise. They are responsible for what data they put up that isn't secure.
This list makes sense to me. He does not agree.
The part I found impulsive is this part of the story...

  • You realizing that he prob would not like that.
  • You stopped, hopefully unlinked to meet your new agreement.
  • Then you went to blurt at him what you did.

This is the part I found impulsive. Blurting and not taking time to think out HOW you say it to him.
Interesting.
I don't know if you were hoping for kudos for meeting the new agreement or what. But when you know he does not currently own his behavior and recently triggered, is it a realistic expectation that being blurted at could cause him to retrigger? Probably. I'm not saying to never tell him... just could pick your TIMING better and HOW you express yourself better. In this case blurting did not seem to serve you well, since it spawned a fresh hooha with the triggery dude.

Both partners here could help each other with their stuff so both partners can honor this new agreement rather than bickering some more at each other.

That's the impulsive behavior I am suggesting you could work on. Could stop to think over several options out all the way first, and THEN pick which suits the circumstances best. Not just going with first thought, first action.
I was expecting a slap on the wrist. A reminder to not do that, and an acknowledgement that he should talk to her if he doesn't want it out there publicly. He's big big big on honesty from me, so it's true, I wasn't thinking of anything except realizing he'd not be happy, and I thought telling him would result in getting scolded and moving on. I did want to ask him about some of the photos too, but I feel I can't even bring them up now. I did not think it was going to explode in my face. But - I know he has some very specific triggers I've been careful about, and I guess I need to add this to the list. Not something I expected, at all. So for future, need to take more time, think, be more careful. I suppose it's good we talk in text form - I have more time to think than if we were talking voice.
If these things are THAT important to him he could take more care. He seems to expect other people to guard his information while he doesn't seem to do anything about it himself at this time. That's what you are dealing with here and we could ask "why does he expect that?" til the cows come home... or you could accept he's this way right now. Who knows what he needs to change this expectation that isn't serving him well? Only him.
I do not understand him not taking more care of the information; and if he doesn't care about strangers seeing it, why in hell does he care if I see it? But you are right, I can acknowledge that this is how he is right now. And if I want to be with him, I deal with him as he is.
But you being blurty on impulse does not seem to ADD to his odds of success in revising his expectations of himself and his behavior so.... could not blurt. That's all I'm saying. You could have come here for a pat on the back for staying inside the new agreement and backing off when you realized you might be entering grey area. Rather than looking for a pat on the back from him at this time (and risk him triggering.)
Heh, and here I thought lurking would be most of what I'd need to do on this forum. :rolleyes: Delving into all this is kinda yucky. But, I think it's helping.
Hope that clarifies a bit. I do hope you guys work it through and arrive at a better way in time. Hang in there. Changes take time.
Thanks. I need to be patient.
 
He shouldn't be on the internet with poorly setup security settings if he has any sense of privacy.
I agree
You have your privacy set, he doesn't.. maybe show him how to lock it down.
I brought it up nicely before we had the argument that inspired the first post in this thread. He did not agree with my precautions, nor methods. So that's a non starter.
Never, including you, have an expectation of privacy when on the web. Someone can always find something. Its an unfortunate truth of existing on the web.
This is true. Which is why I try not to have unreasonable expectations - and merely try to keep things reasonably separated such that it would take some effort to put the pieces together, and assume most people aren't going to have the time or skill or interest to try to actually put it all together.
I know I don't answer the emotional question.. but my answer is implied in my opinion about the internet. Not to mention my immediate head goes "red flag" for this kind of stuff. While I am not nosey, someone telling me not to do something that actually won't hurt anyone, is like a red button. What the heck is he hiding.. NDA, other partners etc. Not a fan of the rule both logically or emotionally.
What does NDA mean? is it like DADT? You mention red flags - this is my biggest issue right now. I want so badly to believe that everything he's telling me is absolutely true, but the spikes of fury over something that it seems like anyone at all could see - public OKCupid profile? publicly shared photos of his kid? etc... plus some other pieces of info he's withheld on purpose... just bothers the hell out of me. I cannot for the life of me figure out if I'm overreacting (it wouldn't be the first time) or if these are really warning signs.
Read some of your other posts, sounds like it was a deal breaker. Sorry to hear that, but its a deal he shouldn't "need" and you shouldn't "need" to follow.
It "impinged on a dealbreaker"... and he says that most of him wants to just say "done" now, but a small part of him says "not yet"... so he'll give me another chance, but if I cross the line again, even inadvertently, "there won't even be a goodbye" which I HATE. Not even tell me? Just cut off communication? So I feel like I need to withdraw, myself, because I'm in a minefield. Who knows where info about his kids might be posted? I've discovered one ex posts photos publicly! What about the other? So even if I don't go looking for something I could run into it. And then what?

It would probably save me some heartache if I cut my losses now, but I don't want to do it because I really care about him, and I believe he really cares about me. I feel like there's a chance we could work out. Maybe that's just my wishful thinking talking.
 
More patient maybe. More thinking it all the way out and less going on impulse thoughts -- definitely seems to be in order here.

Galagirl said:
If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?
Because it's a lot easier if things are my fault? I know it goes way off topic, but I've never figured out how things are "supposed" to work when the D type is the one that needs reprimanded.

A domme only exists at the consent of the sub.


If you have entered into D/s agreements with him
  • without thinking things out all the way for yourself
  • without listing what your dealbreakers are
  • without coming to agreement on how to call the domme into account when needed without it messing up your scene (if you scene) or your arrangements (if this is a 24/7 deal)

...then you seem to have given power over you willy nilly to someone without you looking out for your own best interests. You could expect more from you. There could be other things you neglected to cover also.

Which comes back to the original question... why do you agree to things that don't serve you well? :(

What could you do differently to better look out for your long term well being? (NOT the relationship at your expense.)

Having realized you skipped a crucial bit?
  • You could revise your D/s agreements with him to include how to call him into account NOW. Have some boundaries of your own.

The shared agreement is "he will respect your boundaries and you will respect his boundaries."

This is a SHARED agreement, not a just for YOU deal. You know that right? Because a domme only exists at the consent of the sub.

I want so badly to believe that everything he's telling me is absolutely true, but the spikes of fury over something that it seems like anyone at all could see - public OKCupid profile? publicly shared photos of his kid? etc... plus some other pieces of info he's withheld on purpose... just bothers the hell out of me. I cannot for the life of me figure out if I'm overreacting (it wouldn't be the first time) or if these are really warning signs.

How about "when in doubt, err on the side of caution and safety for my own continued well being?"

Sigh. I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

But you could get into bigger trouble here than looking at some pix oneline! You lack self-discpline and seem impulsive and get yourself into things. He seems to lack self-discipline and gets more emotional than this picture hooha seem to merit. All he would need to do is just adjust his own privacy settings online... yet he won't.

I wonder if he's the "You can't tell me what to do!" type? That makes him a stellar domme HOW?

At best? He's a sloppy domme and mad that he's not as cool at it as he thought.

At worst? You are in the hands of a sloppy domme and you CAN'T know he won't hurt you intentionally or thoughtlessly. He's sloppy, he loses his temper over minor shit and rails at ya at too high a volume.

You really want some of that served up when you are in a vulnerable state and he looses his cool? Ack. :eek: He can't handle his temper over pix he could block access to, but you are going to believe he can handle himself in topspace?

Please tread very carefully here. Could not scene or continue any 24/7 arrangement until you get clear on your boundaries and determine if this is a player you can be safe playing with.

You may WANT to play with him emotionally, but what does your health and well being need to be safe?

Galagirl
 
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