NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

They say that poly is a sure fire way to uncover all the hidden problems in your relationship. So, sex with the bf has shown you what you're missing in sex with the fiance. I wouldn't blame that on NRE, actually, I would blame it on a preexisting problem with the fiance that poly had shown you. It's up to you and him to work it out, and it probably would have come up eventually if you two were mono... this situation just brought it to the surface more quickly. Yeah, my guess is it has little to nothing to do with the bf, really.
 
I wouldn't blame that on NRE, actually, I would blame it on a preexisting problem with the fiance that poly had shown you. It's up to you and him to work it out, and it probably would have come up eventually if you two were mono... this situation just brought it to the surface more quickly.

That's actually what I've been thinking for a while. The problem was definitely there before, but finding a new SO just exacerbated things.

As far as living with my boyfriend, I don't really have a choice. We're in college, living in a 6-person suite together - it's how we met. My fiancé and I live together when I'm home, and see each other about once a month. We plan to marry if we are still together once I graduate (~2 years).

Thank you all for the advice so far. I'm so glad this forum exists!
 
But first, you're going to have to be willing to hurt both Alex and yourself by doing the hard thing and breaking up.

Thanks MeeraReed, I have been sitting with your post all weekend and somewhere deep down I know you are right. I have felt distracted, unable to concentrate at work, depressed, irritable. Alex has attributed this to all the other stressful things going on in my life, and I haven't had the heart or the courage to tell her the truth - that I think I'm just done with this relationship and I have been really struggling to find the courage to just end it. I keep trying to talk myself into working harder, trying harder, disciplining myself into staying, telling myself no one said it would be easy. I feel terrible that the holidays are creeping up on us and I feel like its either right now or after the holidays are over. I keep getting hung up on logistics. What about the house we just bought? How we will afford to separate out our finances? Thank goodness we don't have kids involved, I can't imagine how hard that must be for people who have to go through that. I don't know what it will take for me to be able to reach down deep and just do it. I do love her and I hate to see her hurting. But I am not in love with her and you are right, she deserves to be happy with someone who can give her what she needs.
 
I read all kinds of things into it when really I am just being selfish and demanding and should be more giving... find compersion. When I do that I find that he is far more receptive and willing to meet me half way in negotiating a new time, location or whatever.... I have had quite a bit of experience with this now and in practising to just shut my mouth give him a smile and tell him to have a good time and good luck (its usually about his business or family that he cancels) he comes to me with a different date and a note to say he misses me and is disappointed to have not seen me.

I did a pretty good job with this last week if I do say so myself. I probably did give away a little bit too much of my disappointment, and even made reference to the fact that my intuition was telling me things were going to be changing fast (which it is!) and actually even though I'm a little sad, I'm truly okay with it too. I never doubted that Sam really wanted a full-time girlfriend, something that I certainly couldn't be to her anytime soon, maybe never. I told her that I really care about her and want her to be happy, and that I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't also acknowledge that the idea of us not being able to see each other anymore seemed to be on the table as a prospect and that thought made my heart hurt.
 
meltdown!

maybe i should have seen this coming, but i am seriously feeling like i am having some kind of meltdown. to update this thread, i am still with alex, trying to work out what non-monogamy/polyamory means to me/us and she is struggling with some intense jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. i am trying hard to be patient but at the same time be honest about what is going on with me.

this morning i told her that an acquaintance asked me to go on a date with her, and that i want to go. this caused a total breakdown, alex started yelling at me in the car and said over and over again that she can't handle anything more right now, so i'm stuck between telling her the truth about things that are happening for me and facing her rage and intense grief. i am practicing being honest about everything (this has been hard for me in the past) and she says she wants that honesty, but me bringing up something that feels fairly innocuous to me creates this huge reaction in her.

i have also been honest with her about my attraction to this couple that i am friends with, although nothing has happened physically with them and alex has, for at least the time being, asked me not to hang out with both of them. i can hang out with one member of the couple but not the other. and nothing physical is allowed.

alex has reached an okay point with me seeing sam (only sexually, no "dates"). things with sam are changing and slowing down, as she navigates her way into a primary partnership that will probably mean her moving cross-country soon.

am i being selfish? or dense? am i asking too much of alex? part of me is thinking i need to just slow down and go at her pace, but is it dishonest of me not to acknowledge my attractions and what i truly want? i have tried to be patient, and i don't know if she is ever truly going to be okay with this. i also don't know why it is so hard for me to leave, but i keep holding onto the hope that she can meet me where i am at but this level of intensity of crying and processing is wearing me down. i couldn't go to work today because i was so upset and unable to function.

is this normal? i know that shifting from a mono relationship to a poly relationship is really hard to do, but i just don't know that i can continue to operate at this level. i just want to crawl into a hole.
 
I once stayed way too long in a relationship I should have left and it really messed me up (more on that here, if you want the gory details: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=113395&postcount=292). I don't think your situation is anywhere near that bad. I hope it never *could* be. But I felt echoes of the things that were wrong in that relationship in what you were writing, and that was what prompted me to write that "permission to leave" post, which came straight from my heart. I wrote what I would have written to my past self if I thought I might figure out how to listen.

I'm not going to tell you to leave, because only you will know when and if you can and must. Maybe your situation actually is totally different than mine was and you guys can work through this and be fine. Just please, be careful, and don't lose yourself, don't stop listening to yourself. Even if you find yourself again, like I did, you may not be ok for a while. Two people who love each other very much and who work great together can still ruin each other's lives if things are just wrong and there's no way to make them be right for both people.

My story has a funny twist at the end, because after an interval of more than four years, I agreed to re-try the relationship and it's actually going pretty damn well. There are bumps, but nothing like the deep dysfunction we'd fallen into. So, that's another way to look at -- leaving now may mean you never get to be with this person again... or it might not. Life is funny.
 
Hi beginninglove, so sorry to hear all your heartache at the moment. My take on Alex is that there is no way she is ever going to accept your poly nature. Not unless she can control every last aspect of it. Would she change in the future? Maybe... but I think some people that are mono cannot accept being with someone who is poly and wants to explore being poly.

My partner and I have only just began to explore our poly natures so I can't offer a great deal of personal experience advice type help unfortunately.

Do you still love Alex? I think I read before that you felt that you aren't in love with her anymore... so why stay? I was in a mono relationship previous to my current that became very toxic and unhealthy. I stayed because I felt obligated to. I was afraid if I left she would hurt herself. Fear kept me in that relationship for years longer than I should have stayed. How would you feel if Alex left? Relieved?

Are you staying because you hope Alex will eventually break up with you and then you won't feel as much guilt over it if she leaves you instead? Or maybe you think it will be easier for her to leave you?

Where do you want to be a few months from now? Do you still want to be with Alex? If so, why? Is it love or something else?

In the end the choice is of course yours. Don't do anything because of what you're told here or anywhere else. Do what you know in your heart is best for you and it will be a decision that while maybe initially hard, will be the one you find the easiest to live with down the road.
 
I would not accept a partner telling me that they want me to avoid my friends because I'm attracted to them. That would be a deal breaker for me.
 
struggling to leave...still

I felt echoes of the things that were wrong in that relationship in what you were writing, and that was what prompted me to write that "permission to leave" post, which came straight from my heart. I wrote what I would have written to my past self if I thought I might figure out how to listen.

I went and read your story, and I feel like I could have written those words myself. The part about trying unsuccessfully to leave over and over again, not writing in my personal journal because I am so sick of myself... I try not to talk to friends about it anymore because I am tired of hearing myself, and I imagine they are completely exasperated at this point. Mutual friends of ours distancing themselves from us... all of it. The love that is still there, the comfort. We have a cozy home we have created together, a dog we adore, our rituals. I am so sad to leave, and yet I do not know how I can bear to stay. I am trying so hard to let go of shame, guilt, thoughts that I am being selfish.

I told her yesterday in couples therapy that I am done. She protested all night last night, telling me that she realizes now that she has to let go and trust me. But then when I tell her I am done asking (begging) for permission to do what I want to do when I know she does not want me doing them, she goes into negotiation mode: "well, that depends on what it is, we can talk about what that would look like". no, i want my freedom. i am really done. and i am so, so sad about it. i don't know how to stick to this or make this happen, and it feels like the worst possible timing in the world.

anything anyone can say to help me stick this out is so appreciated.
 
Are you staying because you hope Alex will eventually break up with you and then you won't feel as much guilt over it if she leaves you instead? Or maybe you think it will be easier for her to leave you?

Where do you want to be a few months from now? Do you still want to be with Alex? If so, why? Is it love or something else?

Even though I would be relieved if Alex left me, deep down I know that will never happen. I'd really have to do something terrible to make that happen, and I'm not willing to hurt her and my integrity that way. I know I have to do the right and strong thing, even if it is much, much harder for me.

Your question about what I want a few months from now is telling, I can only picture myself single and free.

As I contemplate my decision, I notice fears about getting older coming up for me. Thoughts like "this is not very adult-like of me" or " I should really be settled down by now". I'm 37, and I guess this is normal but I wonder if others have thoughts about this?
 
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Hon, I think you and Alex are way past done.

This is actually REALLY helpful to hear when I'm doubting my own intuition about this so deeply.
 
Step one -- move out. Everything will get a million times easier when you're physically removed from the situation.

In my case, I found an acquaintance who had a spare room she was willing to rent very cheaply and talked to her about my situation. The very cheaply part was crucial because in the end I left quite suddenly and I wanted to commit to paying rent at my old place for at least two months so that my ex would have time to either line up a roommate or move out himself. I could also have moved back in with my parents, but I was relieved to find an alternative to that. Three months later, I ended up reconnecting with some friends from college and moving in with them, and we still live together to this day.

It seemed like this immense logistical challenge to leave, but once I set my mind to it it wasn't complicated at all, it was the emotional challenge that was the real stumbling block. I had just been billing it to myself as a logistics problem so that there was one more thing holding me in place.
 
... i am seriously feeling like i am having some kind of meltdown. ... alex started yelling at me in the car and said over and over again that she can't handle anything more right now, so i'm stuck between telling her the truth about things that are happening for me and facing her rage and intense grief. i am practicing being honest about everything (this has been hard for me in the past) and she says she wants that honesty, but me bringing up something that feels fairly innocuous to me creates this huge reaction in her.

... i keep holding onto the hope that she can meet me where i am at but this level of intensity of crying and processing is wearing me down. i couldn't go to work today because i was so upset and unable to function.
I am so sad to leave, and yet I do not know how I can bear to stay. I am trying so hard to let go of shame, guilt, thoughts that I am being selfish.

... no, i want my freedom. i am really done. and i am so, so sad about it. i don't know how to stick to this or make this happen, and it feels like the worst possible timing in the world.
Even though I would be relieved if Alex left me, deep down I know that will never happen. ... what I want a few months from now is telling, I can only picture myself single and free.

As I contemplate my decision, I notice fears about getting older coming up for me. Thoughts like "this is not very adult-like of me" or " I should really be settled down by now". I'm 37 ...
... I'm doubting my own intuition about this so deeply.
Okay, breathe. You have been trying so hard not to hurt or anger Alex while being true to yourself, yet the stress of trying to protect her has worn you down. Realize that you have no control over how anyone else feels or reacts to anything. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself, and whatever Alex will feel about it is not your fault. You can't protect her from her own emotions and how she chooses to respond to life.

It seems Alex has a pattern of setting you up as the scapegoat for her tumultuous emotions. She gets uncomfortable and blames you, gets angry, blames you, feels hurt, blames you. She has attempted to control your actions by playing the victim. And you come away feeling like the fucked-up one, selfish, mean, and like you owe her something for what you allegedly put her through. That is bullshit. She is co-dependent and manipulates you through patterns of control: playing the self-sacrificing martyr who is always hurt by your needs and desires, manipulating you with her rage, convincing you of what you "should" think and feel, refusing to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate on anything but making it look like she's giving you something. You've twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to please her, and she's manipulated you into staying in a situation where she can have the upper hand. If your fights are so exhausting that you have to stay home from work, it is time to move on.

Of course it's hard to leave; of course, it's painful. Don't worry about starting over at 37. That's young. I'm starting over at 51. Life doesn't have to be so full of all this drama, but it will take some bravery on your part and a realization that Alex alone is responsible for Alex, no matter how much love you still have for her. You need to get out to save your life. At least, that's what it looks like from here.
 
I agree that you should start by moving out. Everything else will get easier once you have taken that step.

I'm sorry that you have to leave Alex. And I'm sorry about the dog you share. I can see how sad that must be for you.

But the things you like about your life with Alex--the dog, the little house, the daily routines--these are roommate/sister things, not lover things.

Would it help if you told Alex that no matter how hard you try, you could never make her happy without giving up the things you need to be happy yourself? Tell her you love her, you love your life together and all the time you've spent together, and that leaving is the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but that you must do it.

Don't tell her that she'll be happier without you (because she will be eventually but not right away) and don't tell her that she deserves someone "better" than you (because there's nothing wrong or damaged about you, but she does deserve someone who can be monogamous with her).

If it helps, I totally understand what you mean about feeling like you're selfish and wrong. But you need to stop listening to those voices and listen to your deeper instincts.

I've spent most of my life feeling guilty for wanting what I want. Often it wasn't even that anyone else was making me feel guilty, it was just that I felt it was wrong or selfish to want to be free to explore sex and dating.

We have this idea that "healthy" people are supposed to want to be in monogamous relationships. But sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is leave one.

Please focus on the future, a few months from now, when you are in your own apartment and the worst of this is over. Take steps to achieve that future.

Bad times are something to pass through and emerge from.

Also--I hate to bring this up, but how are you doing with the breast cancer situation you mentioned earlier?

If you lose perspective on everything else, people here are thinking of you and supporting you.
 
Just checking in with you, BL...how are you doing?
 
checking back in

hi all. thanks MeeraReed for checking in with me. its been a crazy hectic month of travel, holidays, family time, house renovation, etc etc including some upheaval in my love life but not the anticipated scenario yet. i'm still living at home, with alex. we decided to stick it out through the holidays at least before possibly separating, mainly because we had all this travel and family time planned. ulitmately i'm glad that we did all that together, given the heavy stuff (i.e. multiple cancer diagnoses) happening in my family right now. the holidays were good between us because we didn't have to deal with anything related to the poly stuff. we were just being family, playing house, doing holiday things. it was kind of like being monogamous again and i could see alex thriving in it. she was reveling in it, loving it. she loves the downtime, the staying in together and enjoying our house. i love it too, but also feel suffocated and trapped after awhile.

as i wrote earlier, an acquaintance asked me to go to the ballet with her and alex agreed to let me go after a big ugly initial reaction. this acquaintance (i'll call her K) and I have seen each other a couple more times since then. i like her, and its pretty much back to the same thing with alex. big reactions, big emotions, lots of blaming me and me wondering if maybe i deserve it and maybe i am asking too much. i did break an agreement - i didn't shower after a date with K - and alex exploded, saying this should be a doable request and she felt disrespected. i apologized and agreed that it should be a doable request, i honestly forgot and it takes a long time for me to get home from K's house so a tthe endof the date i ended up running out the door to make a late train. but ultimately i felt like alex was lecturing and scolding me, and i got defensive and shut down. how can i hold myself accountable, and allow alex to hold me accountable, for breaking agreements without it disintegrating into her blaming me for feeling hurt and me feeling selfish and bad?

i was feeling optimistic for a minute about the potential for alex and i to get through this, and i wonder if its wrong for me to get too hopeful and get her hopes up as well. today we are going to therapy and i wonder if its a good idea to talk about a trial separation again. i worry that this ambivalence gets tiring for people to listen to (even you all!) so i find myself feeling bad for that as well. i just keep wanting to make it work, and i also keep being faced with this evidence that it just might not, no matter how hard we try.
 
I am glad your holidays were pleasant. Happy New Year!
today we are going to therapy and i wonder if its a good idea to talk about a trial separation again. i worry that this ambivalence gets tiring for people to listen to (even you all!) so i find myself feeling bad for that as well.
Perhaps the thing to talk about in therapy is Alex's explosive temper. It sounds like she is still prone to such outbursts, which is not a mature, rational way to handle difficult feelings, and I hate to say it still does seem like codependency is still going full throttle here. Getting yelled at and scolded by her and then you shutting down - I picture an abused dog cowering as its owner strikes it.

It is disheartening to see that you still keep thinking it is you and your issues that are the only problems to be addressed. I hope you don't mind, but I am going to quote something I wrote earlier in this thread, just to remind you:
It seems Alex has a pattern of setting you up as the scapegoat for her tumultuous emotions. She gets uncomfortable and blames you, gets angry, blames you, feels hurt, blames you. She has attempted to control your actions by playing the victim. And you come away feeling like the fucked-up one, selfish, mean, and like you owe her something for what you allegedly put her through. That is bullshit. She is co-dependent and manipulates you through patterns of control: playing the self-sacrificing martyr who is always hurt by your needs and desires, manipulating you with her rage, convincing you of what you "should" think and feel, refusing to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate on anything but making it look like she's giving you something. You've twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to please her, and she's manipulated you into staying in a situation where she can have the upper hand. If your fights are so exhausting that you have to stay home from work, it is time to move on.
 
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thanks nycindie. that exact paragraph you quoted is something i have re-read again and again because it is right on. i know that co-dependency is something that is talked about a lot in popular psychology, but i'm not sure i'm clear on what the working definition is. how do you define it?
 
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