Which way to turn?

I'm really hurt. I feel like my heart is being stomped on.

Our dinner with my brother and sis in law went great. We had a fun night, talked through everything and are all on the same page.

But, I found out that my parents have been talking all kinds shit behind our backs. I'm crushed that they seem so willing to give Karma another chance to our faces and then be so cruel when we aren't there. My mom is twisting things around to make him sound like some horrible evil creature.

I'm glad we were able to set things straight with my brother and SIL. But I have no idea how to approach my parents on this bullshit.

Karma says they need someone to bitch about or they'd rip eachother apart, and if he's to be the bad guy, then so be it. " If it keeps your mom from having a mental breakdown and your dad from another heart attack, then I'll be the bad guy."

I love that man so much I almost cried while trying to drive.

I just HATE talk like that, and lies, hypocritical bullshit. It is ripping me up inside that the people I love, who claim unconditional love, are nothing but hypocrits.

I feel like an obligation instead of their child.

I am rethinking bringing Cricket home. My brother suggested a hotel and not telling anyone we were home.

I want her to be a part of my family. My husband is my family, therefor she is as well.

But do I want her to be a part of this family. This cruelty. The same thing their parents did to them that they swore they'd never do?

I was glad they were alseep when we got home, because I didn't know how to keep from going off on them.


And then there is the whole KT, MG, 2R drama. I've spoken with all 3 of them. MG and I have gotten close. KT I have tried to reach out to and help.

And all I see are people getting ripped apart up oneside and down another.

They are fucking people!!!!

There are all kinds of things none of us are aware of because we aren't in their day to day.

No one has the right to attack, accuse or belittle any of them.

And that just tears me up as well. Because here are 3 people I have come to care about, and they are all hurting and looking for someone to turn to, and all of a sudden it becomes a game of who is more right and who is more wrong, and what side will you take.

BULLSHIT!!!

And not everyone has.

But no one should have.

All 3 have done things that were "right" and all 3 have done "wrong".

I came here looking for advice too. I have post after post of what do I do? Which way do I turn!!!!

But I was looking for advice. Not someone to solve my problems. Cricket, Karma and I solved our problems. We took the advice given. Applied what would work and stepped forward.

No sides to take. And there are no sides to take there either.

Just human beings, who are hurting, and need someone to step aside and simply say I'm sorry you're hurting.
 
I'm sorry you're sad. I don't think anyone much on the forum will be happy at the moment. I think we are all affected. I guess that's what happens in a community.

As far as the coming out thing I can imagine my mother doing exactly the same thing (if I wanted to tell her). She would handle it to our faces, because she doesn't like conflict and because she wouldn't want to create distance between us but then she'd just have to discuss it and all her misgivings with others. There would also be the drama and attention she would create and draw to herself as a result (not a judgment just an observation about the way she behaves). I love my mother but nah, some things are best not discussed.
 
Thanks Sage, thing is we haven't come out to them yet. This is all about his cheating and him not having a job. Nevermind the fact that Baltimore has no job market for him, for either of us really, and when he's not with Cricket or job hunting, he's home taking care of me or the house.

What the hell else do they want from him? HE-takes care-of your daughter. Sounds to me like they're pretty damn lucky I have him. I know I am.

But they apparently don't hear that, though I thought they did.

at this point if it weren't for my brother, SIL, and neice, and KArmas brothers, I doubt we'd ever bother coming back to Ohio.

I'm still hyped up on emotion, but I almost want to go stay at my brothers the rest of the trip. Dogs I'm allergic to and all. Just so I don't have to face a bunch of hypocrits.

Mom and I went through this in highschool and I thought maybe it was because I was a teenager, maybe I just didn't get things. And I thought things changed when I called her on it. Told her she was acting just like her mother.

But no. Apparently judgemental hypocrital bullshit is hereditary.

Maybe Cricket wasn't so far off when she said I was judgemental. Though I try so hard not to be. Maybe I am and don't see it.

Goddess forbid I become my grandmother.


If I choose to keep liars and hypocrits out of my friends, should I choose to do the same with family?

I know I'm emotional and will see things differently later. But right now I wonder, if in all these years its never changed, will it ever? If it won't is it worth putting up with?

They're my parents! How could they be so cruel?
 
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Mom and I went through this in highschool and I thought maybe it was because I was a teenager, maybe I just didn't get things. And I thought things changed when I called her on it. Told her she was acting just like her mother.

But no. Apparently judgemental hypocrital bullshit is hereditary.

Part may be hereditary, but alot of it is also learned and we have to make a conscious effort to control it. It can be easy to slip into familiar patterns and habits when no one is around to point out that you are sliping.

Maybe it's time you and your mom have a private talk. She may need a reminder that she is falling back into old habits that she said she didn't want to do.


Maybe Cricket wasn't so far off when she said I was judgemental. Though I try so hard not to be. Maybe I am and don't see it.

But now you have two people at your side to keep you from slipping into places you don't want to be.

They're my parents! How could they be so cruel?

Habit. When the kids were living at home, they had some person to challenge their behaviour (right or wrong). Now they only have themselves to rely on and of course they are always right:rolleyes:.

((Hugs))

I'm going through some of the same stuff with my mother, different issues, but man, she could be the poster child for what I hate about certain groups.
 
Karma and I have decided to continue on with my parents as if we didn't have this new information. At least until we find a new way to deal with it.

After seeing my brother again tonight, I'v decided that when we bring Cricket home we'll deal with it the same as we did when we brought Panda home. She's a friend. He snuggled Panda in front of them, so let him snuggle Cricket too.

There's the option of her staying with Karma's brother, but that leaves Karma torn as to who to come home to, and leaves her with people she's only spoken to online when he's with me.

I think my dream for a happy little family is just stratching beyond my parents capacity. If they ask questions I'll answer, I have no need to lie, but I don't know that freely offering up the informaton is the best route to go.


The last two days have been nice though. We've spent them with my brother and his family which is a HUGE switch. Usualy Karma runs off to another city to see his friends and I'm stuck with no car at my parents. It's nice to have him hang out at brothers for awhile before he takes off.

And I think a lot of it is having it all out there. My brother said tonight " Ya know he's actualy a lot fun when I give him a chance."

I love my brother so much, and my husband. For taking the time and the care to make it work.

My parents may be hypocrits, but we don't have to be.

They've even bonded over working on Crickets birthday gift. I never thought my brother would help my husband make a gift for his girlfriend. I thought it would be more DADT. I'm so glad it's all out there and we all are moving forward like a family.

My sis in law said there was a lot of distance and she was glad that has closed in the last two days.

I can't blame them though. When all they hear is "Karma's a lying, cheating lazy, bastard" what are they to think?

Well no wonder the damn family shunned him!!!

My mom has said she'd never butt into our marriages. No she doesn't, she just talks shit behind our backs.

We all decided when she starts in on the others when they aren't around, we're going to tell her that isn't how it is and we don't want to hear it. If she and my father want to talk amongst themselves fine, can't stop 'em, but we don't have to hear it.

I have to spend the whole day with them tomorrow. Hopefully I can keep my cool.
 
OK, first off, I promised you - and myself - long ago that I wouldn't ever llet you turn into your grandma. Not going to happen, I'll lose my damn mind :)

Secondly, your parents are not the only family we have in Ohio. I want Cricket to meet Kenshin (yes, I've decided to name my brother after an anime swordsman. If you've ever fought him, you'd know why ;) ), and at this point, I also want her to meet your brother and SIL. They've been more accepting and welcoming than I ever thought they would be, or could be really. They decided not to shut me out of their lives; I would like to return that favor.

Third: It's hard to not to smile so much that my eyes tear up right now, but I'm sitting in front of your dad, so Fuck That ;). I had no idea that what I said meant so much to you.

I love you, dear. I'm glad I can make you that happy. Now, it's time for arthritis meds and bed.
 
Wishing I could be there to support you, though at the moment, I'm not sure being physically there would be the best course of action.
-hugs- nonetheless

I decided to handle this in a very particular way with my parents:
I told them up front what was going on, and that I understood if they were uncomfortable, but that I wasn't going to let that complicate the relationships involved. If they want to talk, they're free to initiate conversations. I keep them informed in the same casual way I did when I was in a mono relationship.
So far, there have been all sorts of criticisms and snarky comments, but we're slowly moving past that stage.
My mom actually went to a festival recently (a witchy festival called Fires of Venus - take a guess what its theme was) and met a poly woman who she really came to like and respect. This woman gave her a new perspective on the whole poly thing, and actually presented a family dynamic that my mom came to understand, and even appreciate.

It's easy for parents to criticize their kids' decisions, and put on a high and mighty face - the kind of "I don't know where you learned that that's acceptable, but it wasn't from me!" type of face. But if it's a situation they have no reference point for, no experience with, sometimes it really does come from a genuine concern about their kids.
When I talked to my mom about the whole thing, she launched into this whole "I don't want to see you make mistakes like this" speech - and stopped, utterly dumbfounded when I asked how she knew it was a mistake if she'd never been here before.

She hasn't been here.

It's really easy to jump to conclusions and get protective when your daughter says something like "I'm staying in a relationship with the married man I had an affair with - and I'm trying to make friends with his wife" or worse "My husband had a string of affairs, and I'm supposed to be friends with his latest girlfriend."
Your parents probably know that telling you directly of their displeasure with Karma will only result in fights and hurt feelings - I'm not saying it's right to talk shit about the whole thing behind our backs, but it might be the only way they know to handle it.
Think about how it irked you that I was talking about J so much, venting all of my anger and frustration, but not doing anything about it. It sounded like I was talking a whole mess of shit about him, but I'm one of those people who has to think aloud - and sometimes my thoughts are not too kind.
Sometimes venting sounds a whole damn lot like gossip, and you don't even realize it until someone says something.
So maybe you should say something. Tell them the stone cold facts and ask them the hard questions, starting with "Do you really have room to criticize?" Cuz didn't you say there was a close female friend living with you all when you grew up?
Kinda smacks of the same thing, doesn't it? Ask them to be respectful, and then ask them if they really are well informed enough to make judgments. They don't have all the facts - it's not even that you've been hiding them, it's more that you've been protecting yourself and your family. Telling your parents that you feel you need to keep them in the dark to protect people you care about is gonna be a helluva slap in the face - but it might be enough to point out that they have no real moral high ground to preach from here.

I'm not saying we should come out about this right now, not saying we should expect that we'll all be happy friends and frolic in meadows with bunnies and unicorns after a few peaceful talks - but my family has taught me that maybe me walking into the whole situation on the defensive immediately makes them think that something is wrong. If they think something is wrong, they automatically assume I've fucked up, and the immediate response to that is to start bitching.

I dunno. Just thoughts. I'm not at all sure how to handle your family.
 
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Thank you Cricket. Your words meant a lot.

I think for now, I'll leave it. If and when you come home with us, you're a friend. If they ask questions, I'll answer them. But for all of us to be comfortable, I think it's best they don't know all the details out right. It's jsut going to cause drama for all of us. They're so damn hypocritical it's hard to tell how they'd really respond.

I may eventualy, approach it with my mom. If I'm feeling ballsy one night on the phone. But I don't want trips home to be anymore awkward than they already are.

My dad was apparently suspicious I was bi, while Panda was home with us. But true to form never asked, never said a word.

And while typing this, my dad just spouted off with one of the most racist comments I've ever heard out of his mouth. WTF!! Who ARE these people and what did they do with my parents?

Totaly just lost my train of thought.

Basicaly Cricket is right. Right now is not the time, as who knows what the future holds.

When the time comes, I'll approach with the positives, and not the negatives.


Cricket you are partialy right, it may be the only way they know how to handle things. The problem comes when my mom starts in with her lies and justifications and twisting reality to make herself look good.

The wedding we had to miss? I told several people (as I am close with that whole family) why we wouldn't be there. They all new the story of the rim on the car beign cracked and not being able to get a new one.

My mother, told a bunch of different people, a bunch of different stories. Poor SIL walked away several times b/c she was so embarrassed at the out right lies. Thing is, mom just made herself look like an ass, cuz anyone who read the brides facebook page knew why we weren't there. Why lie? Why make up bullshit stories?

But that's what she does. She just argued with my father about where a speed limit sign was on the highway, and made up her own facts and her own logic to suport her story. Including "we drove by there today and I looked b/c I noticed they had moved it." Really? You just happened to "notice" they moved the sign, that wasn't moved????

I wanna go take a picture of it just to prove the point that she's making shit up.

So the point being- it's not just the shit talking, but the filling in of her own facts. The making shit up and telling my brother her new story, instead of the facts.

I get the need to vent. This isn't venting. This is...I have no fucking idea what this is!!! It's ridiculous is what it is!!

So anyway. I am going to continue on my path to not be my mother and in turn, my gandmother.

And go to the pumpkin path tomorrow to watch my neice hunt down her first pumpkin.

I am then going to enjoy the days left here. Come home, see my Panda. Spend saturday doing birthday extravaganza day. And somewhere in there maybe catch a movie with Cricket (princess and the frog?).

I'm done letting them get to me. They are who they are and I have issue with it. I am who I am, and they have issue with that.

Until I find the magic answer, it'll be what it'll be.
 
taking a break from the boards.

I've met same amazing people. And I've gotten some great insight.

It's a lot of why and how Cricket and I can be where we are right now.

But it has slowly boiled into a drama fest on here that I have no time or emotional strength to deal with. I'll pop in to say hello to the friends I've made. But at least for a little while, I need break from people attacking people, people being cruel and people making accusations simply because they don't like what was said to them. It's hard world out there and sometimes we need to hear what we don't want to hear, in order to grow and live through it. But there is no call for being cruel about it.

Very few of us know eachother in person on here. It's pathetic that anyone would assume to know anyone, simply by words on a screen. Making assumptions over a person saying something because they must feel this way is ridiculous. How the hell does anyone know what the other person on the other side of the screen is feeling?

One of my biggest issues is I came here to seek advice and found friends. But I never came here looking for a place where moderators join in on the bashing and cruelty and the assumptions. And it's only a few. Others do a great job at a thankless volunteer job. But a rotten egg will make the whole carton look bad.

Thank you to those who have been there for me, who have given advice and not cruelty. It is appreciated more than you know.

Those of you who have nothing better to do with your day than make assumptons and tear others appart for no reason than personal fulfillment, should maybe consider something else to fulfull your day.

We all have choices to make in life. I'm making the choice to longer take part in the drama.
 
I need break from people attacking people, people being cruel and people making accusations simply because they don't like what was said to them. It's hard world out there and sometimes we need to hear what we don't want to hear, in order to grow and live through it. But there is no call for being cruel about it.

Very few of us know eachother in person on here. It's pathetic that anyone would assume to know anyone, simply by words on a screen. Making assumptions over a person saying something because they must feel this way is ridiculous. How the hell does anyone know what the other person on the other side of the screen is.

Those of you who have nothing better to do with your day than make assumptons and tear others appart for no reason than personal fulfillment, should maybe consider something else to fulfull your day.

Mo - you have come on here time and time again venting and complaining about Karma paying more attention to Cricket than to you. I have supported you time and time again. I too have come on here to vent and complain about my own problems. When my life is crashing down around me, when I'm deciding whether or not I should leave my husband ending a 20 year relationship which will destroy our family - and Karma has the nerve to go on my blog saying that I'm just looking for attention. I call that "make[ing] assumptons and tear[ing] others appart for no reason," "cruel" and "pathetic."

Neon - knew what I was going through and found his post to me as nothing but hurtful and cruel - so she talked with the other mods about it and the decision was made to delete it. She was being understanding and kind.

You have a right to take a break from all of this drama - but keep in mind that you have come on here with your own drama (which I 100% understood and sympathized with) and Karma has come on here being cruel and hurtful. Karma can dish it out, but he can't take it.
 
Mo: Take a break and a breather and enjoy what you have at home. Things are finally going well for you, bask in it for a while. We'll still be here when you're ready to come back.

-Derby
 
((Hugs))

I understand the need to step away for awhile when situations are setting you off (no matter the reason). I hope you come back when cooler heads have prevailed and things have calmed down. You will be missed.

Good Luck!
 
You have a right to take a break from all of this drama - but keep in mind that you have come on here with your own drama (which I 100% understood and sympathized with) and Karma has come on here being cruel and hurtful. Karma can dish it out, but he can't take it.

Really now? I can dish it out but I can't take it?

That's damn funny, coming from you.

Would you like to know how I handled my warning for calling you out on the the things I think you're doing?

I shrugged, chuckled, and said "Yep. There I go again, getting in trouble for shooting my mouth off." It's not like this is the first time I've ever rocked a boat by telling the truth. Some people just don't like hearing the truth. I'm kinda used to it by now.

And after that? I moved on. Because at that point in time, NK was doing her job. It's not like she unilaterally decided to give me said warning - that isn't something one moderator can do without the input from the others. They decided. She delivered message. I was entertained. End of story.

So yeah, I chuckled and moved on with my day. This assumption that I've suddenly pissed off at NK for that incident is baseless - I don't need to whine, cry, and find excuses to attack people when they piss me off. I just call them on their bullshit, and address my real issues with them. You should try it sometime, KT.
 
Karma has asked that I not walk away completely. Which I was consdering.

KT I have a reply to you specificaly, but am working on the wording, as everything I say lately gets taken out of context.

Otherwise, I'm in a somewhat better frame of mind. I have a tendancy to take others problems on. To carry their burden. I was so upset by the KT, MG, 2R blog circus, that I let it upset me and spill over into other things.

I was upset at NK taking what I said and completely taking it out of context to serve her purpose.

But it's done and over.


I felt I was being told I had no right to be angry because I had used Karma getting reprimanded as an example. I'm his wife, not his keeper. I used the example, to make the point, that all should be held to the same standard. If one gets into trouble for being disrespectful of a blog, then so should the next to do so.

But somehow, it became about me being angry that Karma was reprimanded.
And that he couldn't handle getting in trouble.

For one, I told him he'd get into trouble and he SHOULD have gotten into trouble.

For two, he's had a lot worse in his life than to be reprimanded for being disprespectful on a blog. I can guarentee, it isn't the end of his world. And wasn't even on his radar before it was assumed to be the only reason either of us had to be upset.

It is what is, and I simply will choose to not assosciate with those I feel are of a character I wouldn't be friends with in the real world. Simple solution that I was too angry to see.
 
Had a great day. And I think I actualy felt compersion. I was happy to see Karma and Cricket spending her birthday together. Watching them hug and kiss after she opened her presents, just made me happy. I was happy to be there and seemingly be welcomed by her family. It was peace inducing to have the ease of my husband being with both women he loves, and to be invited in to share her birthday with her.
 
For once I want to sit here and cry, but they are happy tears. I am so thankful for the path I've walked the last 5 months. I have grown so much,Karma and I have grown so much, Cricket and I have grown so much.

I cannot express the feeling of Joy and Peace I have tonight. I missed her so much while on Ohio and I couldn't get why. It was like missing Panda.

Cricket and I don't have what Panda and I have. That level of emotion confused me. But I think, it's because I finaly have seen her. And see who my husband loves. And that makes me want her to be a part of my family.

Being with her on her birthday made my heart sing. I loved the love there. I was so at peace, all of us around the fire, just being us. It was a beautiful night. And I realized as Karma kissed her and then me under the stars, that there was no pang of anything negative.

I've noticed that awhile ago.

But last night, I noticed that there was a pang, a pang of love. Not romantic love, but love for what we have built. Love for the ease of the three of us together.

Something I never thought we'd have.

We took pictures today at Faire, as Cricket got new garb and looked damn hot. And Karma got a new hat and also looked damn hot. And I was looking at them just now, and my heart filled and my eyes welled up a bit.

We're happy.

How long I have longed for that.
 
We took pictures today at Faire, as Cricket got new garb and looked damn hot. And Karma got a new hat and also looked damn hot.

Hey, Cricket and I weren't the only ones looking damn hot, babe ;)

I'm really happy that the two of you are actually friends now. I love just sitting back and watching the two of you interact and just hang out. Even when you guys are cracking private jokes about milk at my expense :)

I love you both. And yes, we are happy.
 
Uhhh what a day! Not even poly related. That area seems to be great.

Went to see a friend who is in the hospital. She has crohns and they removed her colon. She has points of awakened dreaming from the pain meds, that freaks her out which freaks out her husband. Karma doesn't do hospitals well. And it's hard to see such a strong woman take a turn for the worst.

But we seemed to have lifted her spirits. She was doing worlds better by the end of our visit. Met with her surgeon, Well the resident, but he was great, very informative and attentive to her husbands constant redundent questions.

So it was overall, a good visit. But it's hard, to hear her scream out in pain. To see her so not herself. I was able to help her sponge bath though, so at least she's feeling a little more normal.

Karma wasn't doing well by the time we left so I drove, in Baltimore.:mad::eek:

And then our almost gone breaks, almost completely died. We made it home. But there was a lot of jerking, swerving and praying.

And now my back and neck are killing me.

When we got home, there was a note that the apartment maintenance will be by tomorrow to change the filters and check the smoke alarms.

We haven't unpacked from Ohio yet. Our apartment looks like a war zone, so guess what we're doing tonight?

If it isn't one thing it's another.

At least out happy little family, is still a happy little family.
 
Our apartment looks like a war zone, so guess what we're doing tonight?

QUOTE]

I declare war on the cats!!!!! The Geneva Convention states that they are responsible for the war reparations.... meaning that they can do my share of the cleaning :)
 
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