Breakups and Social Circles?

Ivy

Member
So, I’m new to polyamory and I think I’m failing at it pretty badly so far. Or maybe associating with the wrong people. Or something.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We were monogamous until about a year ago, when I started dating “E." Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup a little over a month ago.

The breakup itself needed to happen, and we settled that peacefully. We were incompatible on many levels, but most significantly, we had very different personal histories and levels of sexual confidence. E is the type who can walk into a grocery store and come out with a new sexual partner (and probably will, if she’s in the mood). I’m not unattractive, but I could spend six weeks in a bar wearing nothing but lingerie and even the bartender wouldn’t offer me a drink.

E and I had the same circle of friends, and, because of her confidence, she has on-and-off sexual relationships with most of these people. Since our breakup, almost all of them have cut off contact with me, but remain in (very) close contact with her. I can’t help but suspect they’re doing that because they want to maintain their sexual relationships with her. They’re simply applying a cost-benefit analysis, and choosing sides based on it.

To complicate matters, over the years I’ve been attracted to several of these people, but only one ever returned the flirtations, and that was a no-go because I was monogamous at the time. We agreed to remain friends. Ironically, he’s now E’s primary, and was the one who set E and I up to begin with. He’s also told me directly that he’s uncomfortable remaining friends with me in light of the breakup (but at least he was polite and honest about it).

I’m heartbroken over the breakup, but to compound the pain, I’ve lost most of my social supports. My husband’s been tremendously encouraging, but his kind words aren’t helping as much as they should. My sexual confidence has somehow gotten worse, and I’m even skittish about getting nekkid around my husband now. In theory, I’d like to start dating again—my husband thinks this would help my confidence, and I agree, sort of—but the thought is just plain terrifying.

I haven’t had a whole lot of breakups in my life, but especially not poly ones. Is it normal for entire social circles to vanish like this? ‘Cause it really sucks. :(
 
I would say this can happen with any breakup, whether poly or mono. It is they who suck, not you. You can start a blog here and make some new social contacts and friends.

I am on the ipod so that is all im gonna write for now. I think there is a plate of eggs benedict somewhere out there which has my name on it.
 
I have to agree with Neon... this happens regardless.

I lost a lot of friends to my ex many moon ago. In the end they were more her friends than mine. It happens.
 
It's situations like this that show you which ones are your real friends and which ones aren't. If a friendship was so weak that it was "lost" over this, then you're better off focusing your energies elsewhere (namely, on yourself).

I had the eggs benedict, and it was good :cool:
 
It's situations like this that show you which ones are your real friends and which ones aren't. If a friendship was so weak that it was "lost" over this, then you're better off focusing your energies elsewhere (namely, on yourself).

I had the eggs benedict, and it was good :cool:

Congrats on the eggs benny :)

I was lucky, I knew they were her friends and not mine. For the most part that whole group was "lost" to me in the last few years of the relationship. I did recognize it at the time.

I am even trying to think of when I had friends breakup. There was always a "side". I always friended one side more than the other, it was rarely even. It wasn't malicious (ok one time it was).. but the sides were there. Just by pure commonality.
 
I don't think I've ever "lost" friends because of a break-up, but I sure can think of a couple times when someone else's break-up sent ripples through a particular circle of friends. I seem to recall people taking sides, but I don't recall any REAL friendships being destroyed in the long-term. If they are really friends with both members of the erstwhile "couple", they will say "I think you're both good people who are just not right for each other, and I want to stay friends with both of you, so please don't talk shit about each other to me."
 
Thanks for the replies. :)

Hmm. Maybe it's a time thing, then? Perhaps I should attempt to reconnect once things have cooled down?

I am trying to meet new people at least, and have started some athletic stuff I had abandoned, but recent social ostracism + new friends = fear of new, exciting social ostracism.

Mmm, eggs benedict. Yummy. Now I have the munchies. :D
 
I'm somewhat of a pessimist, especially when it comes to the people in my life. I have noticed that the less I focus on "meeting people" and the more I focus on just doing what *I* want, the less "meeting people" seems to matter.

Having said that, my husband and I have a huge common social-circle (not many of them are "close friends" to me), while my boyfriend and I have virtually no common acquaintances at this point (there was a time when we did). So if I were to "break-up" with one or both of them, it would not affect my social life (if you want to call it that, LOL), and I could pretty much count on one hand the people I would still hang out with after - they are the same ones I hang out with now.

I realize that some folks prefer to connect with as many other people as they can at all levels; I used to be that way until I admitted that it stressed me out more than it gave me satisfaction. Perhaps it's because I prefer the company of cats to the company of humans, except for certain things such as sex.

This is a very good topic, and I'm moving it to "General Discussions" because it's not peculiar to those who are "New to Poly". If you want to have a thread that chronicles your "journey" with minimal interference by discussion tangents, please go ahead and start a thread in "Life Stories and Blogs". Feel free to copypasta whatever you want from this thread.
 
I don't know if you are anything like me, but I need tons of reassurance from friends. If I have had a falling out or a break up I need to hear from them that its okay between us. I forget that they likely are not paying that much attention anyway and maybe if I reach out and tell them what is going on for me, they might take notice and reassure me.

People generally get about the act of living life and are really not all that concerned about how other people feel, just what they do in terms of gossip. At least this is what I have noticed. Have you reached out to them? Maybe they don't know where they stand and are having a hard time adjusting themselves. Maybe you could tell them that you are still here and still consider them friends. It might be all it takes for them to say, "oh hey, I'm so glad you got in touch because I thought maybe because its over between you and *name* that we are not friends now..."

It could also be that they are not really taking sides but considering that their friend is going through a tough time and they don't want to add to that by them thinking that they are taking sides... maybe they are just being really quiet with both of you? Hard to say unless you investigate.... which means putting a big smile on your face and cheerfully asking how they are doing and when is it possible to get together to catch up. Then you can add, that you can understand that they might want to wait, but that you are still around and still keen to be friends.
 
I've definitely thought about doing that. It would really help clear up who's actually "picking sides" and who's just in social panic mode. I do think I'll wait a few weeks, though--right now, I've got a heightened sense of potential rejection and I don't want that to taint my contact with them.

I'm also dealing with some envy and insecurity here, since E's got sexual relationships with many of these people. I tend to assume they won't want anything to do with me, since remaining friends with me might throw a wet towel on their relations with E (and almost certainly would, in a few cases--E can be quite possessive when she feels a bond with someone). For some of them, that's probably true, but I won't really know unless I bring up that concern with them directly.

And I think I need a little more healing time before I can have that kind of talk with them.

Meanwhile, new sports friends have gotten it into their collective heads that I have the perfect 1950s white-picket heterosexual monogamous breeder lifestyle. Ack. Not sure if or when to divest them of that belief.
 
Just thought I'd share a response I posted to another thread about similar concerns:
. . . Now, about relating to all your mutual friends. I have been a part of several large circles of friends and acquaintances in the past. Both these groups saw lots of dating amongst each other going on.

. . . Personally, I had a few relationships in these circles that ended and I saw that instinctively I wanted to isolate myself from the pack to deal with it. But not hiding out helped immensely!! I still showed up to social events and get-togethers -- why be the one who's curled in a corner crying? -- and I reminded myself that I had every right to be out and about with them as he did. I had friends I wanted to stay in touch with. It's so easy to think that a group will follow conventional stupidity and take sides when a couple in their midst breaks up, but you can make sure you don't present an attitude that would be ripe for that happening.

I just held my held high, whether I felt I did something wrong in the relationship to bring about its end or not, and I talked about it to the people with whom I felt safe, until it could be acknowledged more openly among everyone. I talked about my feelings, without wanting to turn anyone against my new ex, but just to be heard. If you're careful not to trash someone after they break up with you, all your friends will likely be able to be supportive of both of you. Give yourself enough private time to mourn the relationship, too, and it won't be as hard to face all your mutual friends out in the open.

But go out and socialize with everyone just for the sake of getting out and being in the company of people you like. You don't have to talk abut it if you don't feel like it, either, and you can say so if someone asks what happened and you're not ready to answer. Just take care of yourself, whether you're alone or in a crowd.

Maybe this would be helpful. Anyone who chooses sides would seem to me to be rather immature, anyway, unless there was a reason, like one person was abusive or something.
 
Thanks, that was helpful. :)

There is a line somewhere between that mourning period and outright withdrawal. I guess it depends on the friends and the relationship, but I'm really struggling with it.

My imagination is growing a juicy crop of fear and jealousy--I don't want to hear how much fun they've all been having without me! I REALLY don't want to hear how much hot sex they've all been having with my ex!!
 
I REALLY don't want to hear how much hot sex they've all been having with my ex!!


Why would they tell you that? CoUldn't you ask them to please not tell you those things? Maybe with friends like these you don't need enemies?

(cue ass-whooping for being judgmental - it's been way too long)
 
"Don't tell me, please" is like handing my brain a license to imagine the most mind-blowing gonzo technicolor ten-way sexscapade circus physically possible, with a big sign on the window saying "Ivy Not Invited."

Reality is slightly less painful (but only slightly).

And I can usually tell from the sheepish "I'm banging your ex" expression anyway.
 
My imagination is growing a juicy crop of fear and jealousy--I don't want to hear how much fun they've all been having without me! I REALLY don't want to hear how much hot sex they've all been having with my ex!!

I doubt they'd be that insensitive, but if someone did say something... eh, why not?!! Wish everyone well. Even if your heart is broken, they'd only be talking about sex. You can choose which feelings to let bother you, as they come to the surface. Love is about wanting someone happy and free. Just think about the group of friends as a circle of fucking and sucking - your relationship was unique to the two of you, while the fucking and sucking continues. Make sense?

Shit, I remember hanging out with a group in which I'd dated this one guy. At the time, he had just started seeing someone new, and we were all together with a few other friends and his ex-gf. He was acting all cocky about showing up with a new babe on his arm, and I spoke up about some sexual liaison I'd had with him and a misunderstanding he'd made about us. His ex, who had been hurting about their break-up, was relieved to hear what I'd said, and his new chick was rethinking her involvement. We all felt free to talk about sex and relationships, and if anyone said anything that seemed purposely hurtful, others of us would call him or her on doing something like that. It's all a learning experience.
 
Last edited:
All opinions that I express here are based on the premise that we can take your version of events to be true. (I write this because I'm a big believer in hearing all sides to any story. It doesn't mean that I doubt your word, but NONE of us are capable of being completely objective, and it would be holistic to read B and E's - and K's - take on what happened and why.)
Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup a little over a month ago.

To complicate matters, over the years I’ve been attracted to several of these people, but only one ever returned the flirtations, and that was a no-go because I was monogamous at the time. We agreed to remain friends. Ironically, he’s now E’s primary, and was the one who set E and I up to begin with. He’s also told me directly that he’s uncomfortable remaining friends with me in light of the breakup (but at least he was polite and honest about it).

I’m heartbroken over the breakup
Do you mean the break-up with E, or the one with that "only one [who] ever returned the flirtations" [whom I'll refer to here as "B"]? If the former, I'll get back to that after a few more quotes:
I’m not unattractive, but I could spend six weeks in a bar wearing nothing but lingerie and even the bartender wouldn’t offer me a drink.
I had to laugh at this one! I'm sure it's not true. But - on the unlikely chance that it is - I recommend that you hire (or buy: it's well worth watching again and again) the DVD (NOT the VHS version which cut the best [in my opinion] part of the film [the opening monologue by Jumper]) of Scorchers by writer/director David Beaird and pay attention to the character Talbot... before AND after she talks with Thais. (Highly under-rated film - tied #1 of my favourites.)
First, [E]'s ability to garner male attention was astounding. Much of the time, she expressed no attraction toward these men, or even a bit of disgust, but would still cultivate their interest. The problem was, she seemed utterly unaware of others' feelings, and treated sex as something entirely meaningless.
[...]
Perhaps more significantly, I was realizing that I wasn't over my feelings for [B...] I realized I missed him very much, and that I was still attracted to him.

I told [E] this, of course. She became profoundly upset over it. She asked what my ideal outcome to the situation would be, and I told her, quite simply, that I wanted to be involved with both of them. She replied "Yeah, that's definitely not going to work."

Then, a few months later, [... E] was going into explicit detail about the depth of and [K]'s involvement, and the intensity of feelings he had expressed for her, and I just wanted to leave. I couldn't listen any more. Finally, she was ending an explanation of the situation, and said "anyway, she really, really likes him, so I guess that's that." I snapped, "I really, really liked him too, you know." She just stared at me like I didn't get it, and said, "Well...sorry."
OK, that last quote was from another of your blogs, and brings me back to the first quote I use in this comment:

a) If it's B that you're "heartbroken over the breakup" with, I can well understand that, but frankly he seems to have been willing to give you up with just a whimper... Which makes him a wimp and totally undeserving of you.

b) "Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup" Frankly (and going by your version of the situation on these 2 blogs) I don't think that it's unfortunate at all. I think that you're well shot of her. First she seemed to treat you with disdain. Then - once she knew that you were interested in her - she seems (to me) to have decided to add your scalp to her collection. She seems (again - from your account) to be a predator, with little regard for the feelings of others, as long as she's having a great time.

c) I agree with others who have advised not jumping to the conclusion that mutual friends don't value your friendship. But (after honest communication) if they do turn out to be willing to drop you like a used tissue because of loyalty to E (or wanting to retain her sexual favours) [and this applies to B, as well]... walk away with your head up high and NO regrets, because "friends" like that ain't worth having.

d) Your husband - on the other hand - sounds like a winner!
 
All opinions that I express here are based on the premise that we can take your version of events to be true.

A very fair observation. My feelings are hurt, and I realize much of my anxiety of my friends' reactions is motivated by further fear of loss. Only so much pain a girl can handle in one go.

(And E has her own problems, which give her behavior so much context, but I'm not comfortable disclosing them here--they're hers, not mine.)

The breakup has really magnified my insecurities, hence the bar comment. I've also had people tell me I give off an "anti-sex" vibe (including some of these friends, as well as my husband, who teases me pretty mercilessly about it). Probably a defensive holdover from my earlier years, but still, a habit that needs to be broken.

Scorchers is on my must-view list already from reading another thread. :cool:

d) Your husband - on the other hand - sounds like a winner!

So absolutely true. Which makes it easier to lie on the couch in my PJs, wallow in brokenheartedness, and avoid rebuilding friendships. ComfyHappyFail.
 
(And E has her own problems, which give her behavior so much context, but I'm not comfortable disclosing them here--they're hers, not mine.)
I can imagine - for example - a deep-seated insecurity driving somebody to treat others with contempt and/or as trophies. E's problems - whatever they are - are her business. But they don't give her a moral right to treat others badly.
 
I was actually on the opposite side of this when evrythig went south with Adrian. ALL my friends - EVERY SINGLE ONE - took my (or "our, including Violet and Lana" as they saw it) side, and weren't very nice about it. This really upset me - I know Adrian was hurting too, and didn't need the blatant shunning on top of it. At one point i actually had to call some people out on it on FB, their comments on one status update got so mean spirited. :(

When my previous ex (before Violet and I got together) and I broke up, it was messy with friends. People I'd known twice as long or more than she had stopped talking to ME becuase she skewed their perceptions of the situation. Some mutual friends turned on her amid my protests. It took over a year to settle down, and some of those bonds never reconnected. Oddly, a very good mutual friend started dating her shortly after the breakup, and our friendship survived, and survived THEM breaking up, and survived Violet and I dating HIS ex at the same time (remember Anne?) whom MY ex that he was now seeing had set him up with, LMAO! And he is still close to her and to me/us - though NONE of us talk to Anne anymore, lol. Some friendships are made of stronger stuff I guess. :)
 
I was actually on the opposite side of this when evrythig went south with Adrian. ALL my friends - EVERY SINGLE ONE - took my (or "our, including Violet and Lana" as they saw it) side, and weren't very nice about it. This really upset me - I know Adrian was hurting too, and didn't need the blatant shunning on top of it. At one point i actually had to call some people out on it on FB, their comments on one status update got so mean spirited. :(
You are a rare, caring, fair-minded person.:)
Some friendships are made of stronger stuff I guess. :)
And some people are woven of finer thread.
 
Back
Top