Communicating with my Hinge

aharri32

New member
I am currently in a poly-relationship (of sorts) and have been for the past...six months or so. I say "of sorts" because I am in a relationship with J, who is married to C. C and I are friends and love each other in a friend-only sense, while J and I love each other in a relationship sense.

Lately, I've discovered that the closer I grow, emotionally, to J, the harder it is for me to accept my role as secondary in the triad. I've expressed this concern to J in an attempt to be open and honest (this is my very first experience with a poly-relationship) with him about the status of our relationship.

He claims that I am only a "secondary" in my own head, that there is no difference between OUR relationship and THEIR relationship. From a practical standpoint, I don't believe this because they share resources and time and physical space that J and I don't have (they live together and I am away from them while I'm finishing school).

Does anyone have any advice about how to express my concerns in a different way? I don't doubt that he views C and I as "equals" in terms of his love toward us, but in my mind, that does not necessarily mean we are actually "equals".

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated :)
 
Why "of sorts"? Your description of the relationship sounds like a textbook poly Vee to me. Do you subscribe to the "if everyone's not sleeping with everyone else it's not poly" school of thought?
 
My guys are friends but we are by no means a triad. Both my men are very straight .

That makes us a vee.
 
If you're already feeling a bit insecure, throwing a helping of "...and it's not even poly" on top isn't going to help.

Does anyone have any advice about how to express my concerns in a different way?
Try describing the specifics of what's bothering you rather than attributing behaviours to a label and blaming that. It's probably not that you're wearing the "secondary" label that bothers you, it may be that you can't share resources and time the way J does with C. It may be that you feel you have to be closeted. It may be that the way he expresses love is different from the way you perceive it. It may be something completely different, but whatever it is, saying "I'm not happy with being a secondary" isn't going to help anyone deal with the issue that's actually causing the problem.
 
I am currently in a poly-relationship (of sorts) and have been for the past...six months or so. I say "of sorts" because I am in a relationship with J, who is married to C. C and I are friends and love each other in a friend-only sense, while J and I love each other in a relationship sense.

That's polyamory.
Lately, I've discovered that the closer I grow, emotionally, to J, the harder it is for me to accept my role as secondary in the triad. I've expressed this concern to J in an attempt to be open and honest (this is my very first experience with a poly-relationship) with him about the status of our relationship.

So he already has entanglements with his other partner which makes them a primary relationship and you don't have them so you're secondary and that makes you unhappy. You do realise you can find another partner simultaneously who is available for primary style entanglements?
He claims that I am only a "secondary" in my own head, that there is no difference between OUR relationship and THEIR relationship. From a practical standpoint, I don't believe this because they share resources and time and physical space that J and I don't have (they live together and I am away from them while I'm finishing school).

Most people will only share primary style entanglements with one partner, especially if they are in a vee like you are and not a triad witheveryone romantically and sexually involved. He already has that with her so more than likely is not able to offer that to other partners. He might be. They might be willing to consider another person sharing their home, finances etc, but probably not. This does not mean you don't matter, he doesn't love you as much or anything like that. It just means those shared assets won't be a part of your relationship. But you can absolutely seek them with someone else.

Does anyone have any advice about how to express my concerns in a different way? I don't doubt that he views C and I as "equals" in terms of his love toward us, but in my mind, that does not necessarily mean we are actually "equals".

No, it doesn't. I think you need to do less pressuring him to replicate his relationship with her, with you, and find someone available to share the practical entanglements which make a relationship primary. Forcing, manipulating, blackmailing, begging or guilting him into taking steps with you that he doesn't have the resources to manage isn't a very nice thing to do. Take advantage of polyamory by allowing several people to meet your needs and not lumping them all onto one individual.
 
Perhaps you are experiencing envy. You're away from your lover and metamour while you are at school. Will you be living much closer to him when school is over?

I am in a V with a man and a woman. I share a living space with my gf, and my bf shares a living space with his wife. However, he and I share lots of love, give each other lots of attention. We communicate several times a day in online chat, and visit in person several times a week, go on dates, have lots of sex, he even helps us with our home maintenance like a real husband :p . So, I have no envy or worries about being secondary to his wife.

What changes can you make to feel closer to your bf?
 
Can you break it down to what actions you want that you don't have? Instead of the comparison with the other person AND without the vague words "primary" and "secondary"?

There are whole threads of arguing where people are incapable of agreeing to a specific definition for "primary" and "secondary".
Some people who live together and share finances and beds and all of that-still consider themselves in hierarchy relationship dynamics.
Some people who live separate do not.

Much easier to drop those terms out and stick with the specific and concrete things you want and don't have.
 
You don't have to share all those resources like a home, finances, etc., to be considered a co-primary. Many people conduct poly relationships without a hierarchy and view each relationship they have as equally important. That is sometimes called an egalitarian approach. So, what prevents you from believing him when he says you are not secondary?
 
From a practical standpoint, I don't believe this because they share resources and time and physical space that J and I don't have (they live together and I am away from them while I'm finishing school)
OP made it pretty clear that it's those practical entanglements she seeks.
 
I don't think aharri32 has told J that in so many words, though. She has said she doesn't like being secondary, but she may not have told him why she feels she is or what she'd like him to do about it.
 
I don't see much point in telling him if it is that, though. The vast majority of people cannot have those sorts of entanglements with more than one person. Best she find it with someone else.
 
You don't have to share all those resources like a home, finances, etc., to be considered a co-primary. Many people conduct poly relationships without a hierarchy and view each relationship they have as equally important. That is sometimes called an egalitarian approach. So, what prevents you from believing him when he says you are not secondary?

Well said on both points.

Co-primary is a relative description of importance, regarding how you are treated by the hinge. Does he put you first as much as he does thenother WHEN POSSIBLE?

Sure, the location/resource issue equates to a priority is not eventually addressed to everyone's mutual satisfaction, but thst takes time when money and jobs are involved. Dont see them as immediate indicators of priority.

NYCindie is also asking the surgical question. Dont you believe him? If not, then what would it take and on what timeline?
 
So he already has entanglements with his other partner which makes them a primary relationship and you don't have them so you're secondary and that makes you unhappy. You do realise you can find another partner simultaneously who is available for primary style entanglements?

Most people will only share primary style entanglements with one partner, especially if they are in a vee like you are and not a triad witheveryone romantically and sexually involved. He already has that with her so more than likely is not able to offer that to other partners. He might be. They might be willing to consider another person sharing their home, finances etc, but probably not. This does not mean you don't matter, he doesn't love you as much or anything like that. It just means those shared assets won't be a part of your relationship. But you can absolutely seek them with someone else.

No, it doesn't. I think you need to do less pressuring him to replicate his relationship with her, with you, and find someone available to share the practical entanglements which make a relationship primary. Forcing, manipulating, blackmailing, begging or guilting him into taking steps with you that he doesn't have the resources to manage isn't a very nice thing to do. Take advantage of polyamory by allowing several people to meet your needs and not lumping them all onto one individual.

Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships. He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it, but she is fine with him having another relationship. Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.

I'm just being a big weenie, huh? ;) I'm not a very confrontational person, so telling him my concerns at all was difficult. I'm not looking for him to actually give me the resources he and C share because I do know that it's not possible or fair of me to ask.
 
Ewe a one penis policy? Completely not fair imo.

Do you want to meet another for yourself? If you did will J throw a tissy fit? You're long distance so why shouldn't you do what's best for you? I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship where my hinge basically is controlling my choices just because he can't handle it.
 
He's an idiot. Unless he can give you both what you need long term, he has no business doing this.
 
Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships. He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it, but she is fine with him having another relationship. Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.

I'm just being a big weenie, huh? ;) I'm not a very confrontational person, so telling him my concerns at all was difficult. I'm not looking for him to actually give me the resources he and C share because I do know that it's not possible or fair of me to ask.

While the whole one penis policy is philosophically problematic at best, unless he is willing and able to give you a full blown co-primary relationship - move you in, give you kids if you want them, share finances - then what he is asking of you is totally unrealistic and selfish.

I am dating my best friend, who I adore, but he is fresh from a divorce, totally immersed in his kids - in a phrase, mostly unavailable - and he encourages me to date because he loves me and doesn't want me to be alone. That's how poly is supposed to work.
 
So this isn't about being "secondary" -- this is about "I want to be in an Open V now rather than in a Closed V."

Seems easiest to just tell them both:

"We are 6 months in. Initially I was good with a Closed V, but my needs have changed. I would like to be in an Open V that allows me to date others. Could you be willing to participate in that?"​

They are either willing or not willing to participate... but that answer comes after the asking.

You ASKING is you doing behavior to help meet your own needs. You not asking is you NOT doing behavior to help meet your own needs. Making your partner and meta aware of your changing needs is making them aware. It isn't a "confrontation." They cannot be mind readers. :eek:

"Emotional courage/confidence" does not come raining from the sky. It comes from exercising that skill. If you want to grow it stronger -- be willing to exercise it. It only grows by doing. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships.
Ugh. One Penis Policies are so utterly disrespectful. What a load of crap he's handing you.

He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it . . .
In other words, he simply isn't ready for polyamory. Therefore, he shouldn't be having multiple relationships unless and until he can handle his partners doing the same. Relationships are not supposed to be dictatorships.

Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.
What kind of relationship can you really expect to have with this man if you can't talk to him?

Go ahead and date whomever you want. It's your life, your body. He is neither your boss, your parent, nor your owner. He is someone you are still just getting to know - six months is not very long.

Keep in mind, you don't need his permission to live your life as you see fit. Don't go to him like a beggar asking if it's okay with him for you to follow your desires and have what you want in life. It isn't his decision to make. Your freedom isn't his to grant.

You can tell him that you want to see other people, too, and that you will start dating and hope he can accept that, but then the onus is on him to deal with his discomfort and any other feelings he has about it. He has a choice of whether or not to stay in the relationship with you, but he doesn't get to tell you that you can't date other people.

Talking to him about this doesn't have to be a confrontation or emotional scene, either. Just figure out what you want and calmly state it to him as a matter of fact.
 
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What NYCindie and others have said is dead on.

If he cant handle you seeing other people, this relationship is only working for him.
 
honestly, I'd steer clear of one penis policies. usually the guy is insecure and or doesn't really want to be poly (if the wife is allowed to be with women). I met a guy like that and now none of us involved are on speaking terms.

all that being said...I struggle with the "primary" stuff with my boyfriend. You have to figure out what you want and ask for it, also taking his other partner into account
 
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