Inyourendo
New member
I don't think making sure my partner need are met and they are happy means buttering them up. It kind of poly 101 that this I required for a good polyship.
I don't think making sure my partner need are met and they are happy means buttering them up. It kind of poly 101 that this I required for a good polyship.
I pity anyone whose partner views it this way.isn't that what poly generally is? Buttering up our partners so they will consent to other relationships? I know it sounds coercive but that is the nuts and bolts of it. Showing sufficient loving actions so nobody feels left out or slighted. Ultimately the only way to ever get consent from ANYONE that you deem it necessary to get it from requires some level of buttering up and convincing.
I pity anyone whose partner views it this way.
I don't think making sure my partner need are met and they are happy means buttering them up. It kind of poly 101 that this I required for a good polyship.
Coercion has no place in my poly whatsoever.
I never had to convince my partner. We agreed to enter into an open relationship from the start.
I pity anyone whose partner views it this way.
Why is that? I'm genuinely curious to hear what it is you find objectionable about this particular description of interacting.
Is being persuasive now something that we as healthy human beings should avoid?
I was caught by the term "buttering up."
To butter someone up is pretty much bribing or manipulating them to get what one wants. We butter people up with flattery, praise, and special treatment hoping for special favors in return. When we butter someone up, we do nice things not because we simply want to treat them nicely, but because we think that will get us what we want.
I feel sorry for the people whose partners approach them that way because to do so seems, to me, to take their intelligence and hearts for granted. Personally, I want to be treated nicely and with respect all the time, not just when a favor is wanted in return, and I expect that a partner would trust that I can handle difficult or challenging discussions about our relationship without feeding me candy (so to speak) to get the outcome they hope for. It seems narrow-minded.
Graviton's statement also expressed a very couple-centric viewpoint, which always rubs me the wrong way.
the thing you are leaving out is CONVINCING your partner. You see, meeting their needs and making them happy are the easy part. I had been doing that successfully for close to 20 years with my wife. But when you try to cross over from monogamy into poly, then meeting needs is rarely sufficient. You have to try to CONVINCE your partner. That's the hard part. any time you want to convince, buttering up is usually the protocol along with logical reasoning. Anyone who claims they haven't had to butter up or bend over backwards to keep a partner from getting overly dramatic due to the poly nature of their relationship is truly lucky and I suspect in the minority.
My husband suggested poly to me - and he has decided to remain monogamous. There was no convincing or buttering up. We read about it and researched it together and then I started out dating.
My boyfriend was not coerced - he knew from the time he first messaged me that I was poly. He took some time to think it through before moving forward with our relationship, because he had always been in monogamous ones. I did not try to convince him either way - who I was and what I am about is fairly obvious and my actions speak for themselves. He asked questions, I answered and he decided he wanted to pursue me.
Coercion has no place in my poly whatsoever.
But, as soon as you get into a situation where you are having to persuade someone to do something, you're losing the chance of gaining enthusiastic consent.
No, it doesn't mean that it was definitely coerced and therefore invalid consent, but the longer someone has had to be persuaded to give consent, the more likely it is that coercion played a role in their decision.Hmm, I disagree. Just because something wasn't someone's *original* choice, doesn't mean that once they have made a new choice they are *necessarily* going to lack enthusiastic consent. In some ways it depends on the reasoning behind the original choice.
IE... Person 1 wants person 2 to do action X, and Person 2's reason for not doing Action X is Reason Y. Person 1 "persuades" Person 2 that Reason Y is mistaken for Reasons Y1, Y2 and Y3. Person 2 then says "Yes! In that case I want to do Action X!" I think that still counts.
I understand your *point* re rape culture, etc, but I just think it's not always true. That said, pressure / coercion is a Very Bad Thing.
Let me clear the air by saying that I am not being physically abused, emotional is up for debate some days, but not physically in danger. Thank you for being concerned and helpful in that way and I will keep it in mind that that was thought of when I shared about the situation for the future.
I was able to sit down with him and the girlfriend separately and together and share a bit of what I was feeling and why. I explained the emotions that I was having as best I could(thank you for links, Galagirl, most helpful). While they didn't understand everything I shared they at least agreed that whatever emotions I have are valid, real, and worth considering. My husband and I agreed that he had been neglecting my needs and that needed to be corrected. He and GF agreed to take a break for a week to give he and I space to repair what we can and spend time together.
indeed it is very couple centric. From what I have read and witnessed on these forums, poly is almost always entered into from the state of a monogamous, couple centric ideal.