Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

I took my son to work this morning, and my van overheated. I had to wash antifreeze off the garage floor, since it was EVERYWHERE. I already had an appointment made for Monday to get the intake gasket replaced, but this is ridiculous. I can still drive my van if I keep dumping antifreeze in, but I don't want to get stranded anyplace, so I am not going to do that. PunkRock is on chauffeur duty, I guess. Hopefully we can get our schedules worked out. PunkRock's brother LordTenderHeart is coming over to stay for about a week and a half this afternoon too, so it seems like between the two of them I should be able to at least get groceries and be able to make the most important appointments.

Transportation issues stress me out. I don't like being anxious. At least it has an end in sight - Monday!

Oh! Last night I was out playing trivia and I got a facebook request from a name I didn't recognize. A couple of PunkRock's peeps have added me, so I asked him if he knew who it was. He responded with "One of your many man friends I guess?" This came out of nowhere and it hit me right in the chest. I know he meant it as a joke, but I have never viewed myself as promiscuous or anything, so it was a shock.

I mean, yeah, I did date a LOT of guys in January, but I certainly know all of their names.

Sigh. It is still bothering me today. I let him know how it made me feel, and he thinks I'm ridiculous. Which I am. It just highlighted an insecurity about myself that I feel. Especially since he has asked me previously not to talk about the guys I was with in January. Sigh.

Anyway...
 
I got a Facebook message out of the blue from Greg last night. (He's a large black man I dated in January. I broke things off with him when PunkRockAwesomesauce and I started dating.) Anyway, he sent me a link to a homeschooling infographic and a couple of brief snippets, saying he hoped I was well and happy. I thanked him for the link and told him all was fine.

Exchanges like this make me feel sad. Just like when B messaged me a while back, it hurts a bit. Greg was - is- a great guy - we had a lot in common, he was charming and interesting and we meshed well with what we were looking for. So it makes me feel bad that he is still keeping tabs to see if I pop up available again. Honestly, he never was a long-term viable partner for me, because we weren't compatible sexually. His penis was too big. That may sound ridiculous, but it's the truth. Unlike B though, I feel like I could be just friends with him and hang out, because of all of the common likes we share. That said, I have no time see about growing that friend relationship. Plus, he isn't exactly located nearby. So, sadness regarding that connection.

PunkRock's cat is here! She spent most of the night under my bed. :)

Today is my 3rd Monthiversary with PunkRock. We were talking this morning, and that number seems ridiculous. It seems like we have been together much longer. In many ways, our relationship feels like the one I have with DarkKnight - there's no point in counting because it's eventually going to add to infinity. Everything is smooth, everything is absolutely wonderful.

The differences between where I was with M at 3 months and where I am with PunkRock are legion.

Oh! I am getting Invisalign braces put on today. I am very nervous about the process. My teeth are terrible, so I am excited about finally having them look better cosmetically, but I don't do well with pain. I am also feeling dread about how they might change my relationship with both DarkKnight and PunkRock. What if they think I look ridiculous, or sound different? Maybe I'll kiss weird. Will my ability to give blow jobs suffer? This is the shit I worry about.
 
Oh! I am getting Invisalign braces put on today. I am very nervous about the process. My teeth are terrible, so I am excited about finally having them look better cosmetically, but I don't do well with pain. I am also feeling dread about how they might change my relationship with both DarkKnight and PunkRock. What if they think I look ridiculous, or sound different? Maybe I'll kiss weird. Will my ability to give blow jobs suffer? This is the shit I worry about.

Well I had the regular wire braces back in 1984....gave bj's with no problems. And I tell ya, you'll love your teeth so much afterwards...and you won't look ridiculous but while you're wearing them, you may speak a little differently but not when they come off!
 
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Invisalign has been both positive and negative for me so far. The fears that I had due to online reading have completely disappeared - I only had 7 teeth with "buttons" on them - all on the bottom. The top aligner comes off easily because of this, and the bottom one isn't impossible. I haven't had much pain for the adjusting; most of what I feel is pressure, and once in a while I have to take a couple of Advil. The worst part is that the back edges of the aligners are NOT smooth and they cut my gums and tongue terribly. I try not to run my tongue along them, but it's impossible. I bought dental wax and that has helped tremendously. I tried filing them with an emery board but it didn't help much. So everyone, buy stock in dental wax, because I am going to go through a lot of it, I think!

Oh, and an update - PunkRockAwesomesauce said if anything, my blow jobs have even more saliva involved, and that is a good thing! LMAO I am still really nervous about them but so far, so good, I guess!

Thanks, Alberta Raven! I hope my blog is positive - my life is pretty positive, overall. :)

PunkRock did a wonderful thing for me yesterday - he worked all day and don't get home until after 3 in the morning. He had messaged me earlier in the evening to tell me that he might not come home at all - he was working closer to his brother's house and it honestly made more sense for him not to drive all the way back here after working so hard all day. I told him the thought made me feel anxious, and so he came home. I was REALLY surprised by this. I had thought the conversation was over - I hadn't thought to tell him anything else - I was just letting him know my initial reaction. I would NOT have asked him to drive back to me at 3! Actually, him doing that made me feel anxious too! Still, his willingness to do so just on the thought that I was missing him was amazing.
 
Ugh. My period is here and I am feeling very blah and unattractive. It doesn't help that I cut myself shaving in a private area - my taint - and the scratch will NOT heal. Every time I poo, it stretches and hurts. Fuck. It makes anal sex impossible, and regular sex somewhat hurty.

I struggle with PMS right before my period - I get irrational and pissy, but also emotional and anxious. This month it seems to be much worse, and I think it has to do with my Invisalign. To have this annoying pressure in the background of my life is adding to the stress. I have been down and unhappy for most of the weekend.

Oh, and my van is out of commission, so I am dependent on others to haul me around - and I'm an extrovert! I can't stand being cooped up in my house. I haven't been out at all in the evenings. It's fun playing board games and such, but I REALLY need to get the fuck out before I go crazy. Grocery shopping and a trip to the post office does not count. Unfortunately, it is going to be Thursday when I get my vehicle back. It got dropped off today, but it turns out that the radiator was damaged, and it is now going to cost close to $1000 to get everything fixed. I only budgeted $450, so I have to wait until DarkKnight gets paid to go retrieve my van. It sucks having to wait, but I'm broke, so oh well.

So yeah, that stress is on me too.

PLUS I made a deposit last week at my bank, and they put it in the wrong account. Thankfully nothing bounced, but I had to make a trip there this morning so my rent check didn't get messed up. I was freaking out about that quite a bit, even though there was ultimately no harm done. Finances are super tight this month now though, with the van costing twice as much as anticipated, and it being the month to renew my vehicle registration ($200) and it being the month to pay for DarkKnight's life insurance ($300) and the water bill is due ($280). All these extras are making me broke.

On top of that, PunkRockAwesomesauce's brother is here. He has actually been a great guest, very polite and helpful around the house. Still, I will be glad when I have my life back, you know what I mean? Things are fine, but it's more stress having another person around.

PunkRock left to return home today for some much needed downtime. With his brother staying in his bedroom, he couldn't do anymore unpacking or prep work, and he has a lack of a location to retreat to in this full house. He's introverted, so he needs a space. I don't blame him for fleeing. :) Well, plus his brother's bird needs attention and fed, and he needs to pack up more of his stuff to bring over here. Sigh. I miss him already.

The shit is that he messaged me after he left this morning, saying that the one chick that had contacted him earlier this year looking for a hookup was going to be his lunch date today. Totally platonic, he says. Still, not at all what I needed to have in my head on top of everything else. I told him it didn't make me feel too settled. He typed reassurances, but really, I did not need this complication right now. PunkRock says he is just meeting with her "to get it over with" and that he only wants to be with me.

Honestly, the whole situation makes me want to puke. I feel unsettled, unhappy and out of sorts. Now I feel threatened, less than and not enough. Very unpoly thoughts. I am being irrational, so I am shutting the fuck up, but I do not feel good about much today and having to think about a new arm in our V possibly appearing when I am least equipped to deal with it is not what I want to be doing.

Do I believe PunkRock when he says he loves me? Yes
Do I believe he is interested in this woman? Not really.
Do I think this woman will turn us into an N-configuration? No

But yet anxious, hormonal me is focusing on worst case scenario, and it isn't helping me recharge and renew at all.

Actually, one thing that is also causing mixed emotions is that today is the last day of the chemistry class I've been teaching all year. The kids are all so great - I am really going to miss teaching and guiding them. I will see them all over the place, since they all participate in other activities with my daughter, but it makes me sad that my science course is over. That said, I am SOOOO glad to have the pressure of planning and conducting 3 classes every week FINISHED. :) W00t!

I just packed up my cabinet and put all the materials and glassware into a rubbermaid tote. Yay! Now however, I'm at a loose end. I don't have anything planned tonight since I have no car and I'm looking at a long evening in my house again. I should sweep and swiffer my downstairs floors but I am not wanting to do anything like housework. Instead, I am going to go upstairs and paint my toenails. I usually do that as a stress-reliever, and I certainly need an outlet of some sort.

Just as a tag, I am listening to two songs today on repeat - "Pompeii" by Bastille and "One Minute More" by Capital Cities. Trying to boost my mood!
 
Today is another day and I've decided to once again make this the best day of my life. I try to do that every morning, but perhaps not always at 6:46 am!

PunkRockAwesomesauce's cat woke me up - she was perched on the top of my bedroom chair, nosing apart the curtains so she could peek at the morning. This peek resulted in a long stream of sunlight highlighting my face. This didn't annoy me though - I smiled and took a picture. She has been so shy since moving in, and her being up and out, exploring, is a wonderful thing.

Last night DarkKnight and I had a good reconnection, though neither of us have felt estranged. We've just been apart nights since PunkRock doesn't have his bedroom set up yet and so by default, PunkRock has been in the master suite with me for several evenings. My husband is so sweet, and good and just all-around a wonderful human being. I aspire to be as patient and kind as he is, but it is definitely an innate personality trait that I don't possess. He holds me and I just feel like I'm home. There's no judgement, no worries, he's just - this is you and I totally and completely love who you are. Even when I KNOW I am being outrageously a princess, he doesn't just tolerate or accept my sassy self, he embraces my quirks and loves me for them.

Every day I am amazed at how lucky I am to have such a partner in my life.

SUCH GOOD FEELS TODAY!!!

Holy hell though, I have terrible cramps. Fuck you, period.

I read some GalaGirl posts on here today, and she is so intelligent about emotions! She puts into words what I try to do. Read this :

I cannot help what I feel when I feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It just burbles up. I don't choose when it burbles. So just let it blow on through! Internal weather is only internal weather. So what? There's sunny days and stormy skies in there. And? It blows on through.

What I CAN control is how I choose to BEHAVE in response to that emotion.
I can choose to just REACT.
I can choose to ACT WITH INTENTION.
Even choosing to do NOTHING? That is a choice.

I can choose many ways to handle internal weather so that I move to sunny days faster. And I don't mind the stormy weather if it is navigated well. When else do you get rainbows? I love the bittersweet sweet moments. They can be so tender and dear.

But whatever choice I make? It's mine to choose. And I cannot escape the consequences of my choice.

Word. Yesterday, just writing about how crummy I was feeling was enough to get past it. Today is a new day, with new feelings to navigate. Onward and upward!

Oh! Godzilla shirts on sale, in my email this morning, making me wish I wasn't broke. Nothing I had to have, but plenty I'd love to wear! There was a Godzilla fighting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. That makes me smile - a lot! I hope the new movie is decent. Maybe I'll watch a marathon of old Godzilla movies today. I'll tell my daughter that homeschool is canceled in honor of awesome, and then we'll stay on the couch and eat Doritos all afternoon.

I am torn right now between going back to sleep or showering. I think I'll shut off the light and see if I can get back to dreaming.
 
DarkKnight's birthday was yesterday and I did my best to make it great. I brought him breakfast in bed, and then when he left to pick up my son from work, our daughter and I quick decorated the dining room with balloons and streamers, and so greeted his return with cake and festivities. And presents. Then, he and I went out for lunch and together time at Starbucks. That afternoon we played the Mr. Card game I had bought him as a gift. In the evening, PunkRockAwesomesauce joined us for a show at the local dinner theater, which was a fun comedy. After, I had sexytimes with my husband, and gave him a pretty great blowjob, if I do say so myself. :)

Today was less wonderful, as my father in law was admitted to hospital. We just arrived back home, in fact. My FIL has end-stage esophageal cancer and unfortunately it is pretty much all through his body. He had a blood transfusion tonight so he is looking better for the time being. It is a difficult time for DarkKnight, and what was awesome that we returned home and PunkRock had not only made dinner for my kids, but also finished up the laundry and made both my bed AND DarkKnight's bed. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about household garbage like that. PunkRock's picking up the pieces after we had to leave suddenly today just cemented in my mind even more how wonderful this type of poly is, and how wonderful a guy PunkRock is himself. I mean, wow.

I did get my van back on Thursday and I am trying to regain my optimism. The trip to the hospital wasn't very positive, but PunkRock at least made the coming home part great.
 
Today is going to be another great day.

Gloriously awesome sex last night and this morning with PunkRockAwesomesauce. Interesting though - the last two times, sessions have lasted less than a half hour. He's normally a 2 hour dude, so it's a bit disconcerting. However, I'm having lots of fun so it isn't something to complain about. :) it is amazing to me that he is still ready to go every day. We are so compatible!

That said, I am starting to miss sleeping with DarkKnight. PunkRock's brother is still here, and I have no idea when he is leaving. I would like PunkRock to be able to move his bed over and have his bedroom back so I can have some comfortable overnights with DarkKnight., but that won't happen until LordTenderHeart is admitted into rehab. PunkRock has offered to sleep on the couch, but that is just silly. DarkKnight is ok, knowing that this is temporary, and so am I. Still, from time to time I miss his snuggles. Yesterday the 3 of us watched Cosmos together, and that was snuggly. Not the same, but still sufficient at the present time.

Both my guys still take delight in teasing the hell out of me when we are out together in public. Pinching me, touching me in inappropriate places - oy! I love it though - their attentions make me feel happy.

Oh! We were all interviewed for a magazine and there will be a feature on our poly, being published on June 12. We are being paid, so that is pretty sweet. It's an overseas publication in the UK. The article is really great - it is written first-person, as if I were telling my story. The author used some British words that I would never use, so that was funny to hear, but other than that, I really liked it. (Honestly I liked the British words - I am trying to use "Brilliant!" in conversation now and I was teasing PunkRock yesterday because apparently he is a "dapper sort of gentleman.")
 
Housekeeping updates:

PunkRock left this morning to go back to his brother's house to care for the parrot and pick up some items. He will be back tonight - we are going to play trivia later.

My father in law was transferred to Hershey Hospital for surgery, so DarkKnight left this morning to head up there, and barring complications, he will be home tonight as well.

LordTenderHeart got the news that he can enter rehab on the 28th, but he won't be here at my house the entire time between now and then, he is prolly going to his dad's at the end of the week.

I'm handling some homeschooling stuff today with my youngest and awaiting an 11am repair guy arrival for our central air unit.

Yesterday I made changes to my cell phone plan and added PunkRock's phone to the account. This will result in substantial savings for him, so it was much needed. I told him he is now locked into a contract with me, so we can't break up for 18 months. :)

I am soooo tired right now. I am going to try and fall back asleep for a while.
 
Tired at the moment.

Today was a good day. LordTenderHeart has moved on and things should reach a new normal soon as PunkRockAwesomesauce can now move in the rest of his stuff as time permits.

DarkKnight was on-call for work today, so PunkRock and I took my youngest to the Gay Pride event in our town this afternoon. A lot of my friends were there and PunkRock won a silent auction item. We were there for about an hour and it was fun.

I had amazing sex with PunkRock before and after the event. He just completes me. Sigh. He told me tonight at one point that he just feels so connected to me. I am not sure how I feel about this. I love him lots, but I am still struggling with the idea that he is going to continue to be ok with me being poly. I feel this energy between us sometimes - it is just this brightness of being, yeah, a connection. I wonder a lot if our relationship continues to grow deeper and stronger, if he will be less content with sharing time. I certainly hope so. I suppose I will just continue on with the way things are going.

DarkKnight and I had cuddle time tonight and watched Frozen together on the couch in the living room. (I bought new furniture and I love all the pillows!) It was sweet! Afterward we had sex, which was also amazing. I hadnt been with him in a sexual way since last Friday, so over a week. I had propositioned him many times this week, but he was either too tired or too busy, so it was nice to finally get a yes. Actually, he initiated it, which was great. He almost never does that.

Yesterday evening kind of sucked. I did have a lot of fun playing Zombicide with PunkRock's friends at the game store, but we drove there separately because PunkRock was at work, so that meant we had to drive home separately. I arrived home at midnight, PunkRock didn't show up until almost 2 am! This had me very upset. One being that I was starting to fear something had happened, like an accident. Second, because I was super tired and had to stay up waiting for him to arrive. 3rd being that I was thinking that we'd have sex when he got home and then he didn't get home! It was frustrating. Add that on to the fact that we hadn't had sex already for over a day and I was wigging out a bit. I fell asleep masturbating - I kept thinking he'd be home soon, so I didn't let myself cum. Oh, and I had just recently changed out to my new Invisalign aligner, so my teeth were hurting like mofos.

Anyway, I tried to initiate things with him, but he went and showered, and then came back and we talked for a while. After I told him my unhappiness, he tried to initiate sex, but I felt it was just pity sex so I rejected it and told him how it made me feel worse. The whole thing just made me feel discounted and my needs, unimportant. Honestly, it was communication again. If he had texted me when I told him I had arrived home, that he hadn't even left yet, I would have gone to bed.

All this is over and done with though - like I said, we had great times together today and we've talked it all out now.
 
Oh! I am so in love. I just float around like an idiot most of the time. I am so very happy with my life and the direction it is moving. PunkRock went back to his brother's house last night, so Dark Knight and I had amazing sex while he was gone. It was weird to be home alone for a while - DarkKnight had choral practice in the early evening, so I had a couple of hours to read a book. That was nice, but I was missing my guys.

Unfortunately, LordTenderHeart did not do well alone and had a relapse over the last few days. PunkRock messaged me this morning and said that LordTenderHeart was passed out last night. I am not surprised but I am sad for him. Addiction is terrible.

I am getting another tattoo today - I am both nervous and excited. My thought is to get it on my left hand, but none of my other tats are visible, so it is a little scary. It's going to be a poly symbol - the outline of a hot pink heart with a black infinity sign through it. My sister posted on my Facebook that it didn't matter where I got it, since I was never going to get a job again. Rolling my eyes - she doesn't think my homeschooling is important. I responded that I was actually planning on starting my own science education business, so it really didn't matter! She is kind of a jerkface, but I feel sorry for her more than I feel annoyed!

Oh, and I added a couple of new photos to my albums, and changed my profile pic. Do not be alarmed - I was not really Tigger this whole time. I am a human girl. For reals.
 
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I'm hosting a mom's night out tonight at my house. It's focused on karaoke. We play all the time here, so it's no big deal to me. I had 12 people sign up, and I am currently down to 6. On one hand, this is great because we were going to be crowded in my living room, but on the other, it sucks when people do this. I spent a crapton of money on food and alcohol. The good news is that DarkKnight & I are going to a BBQ tomorrow at a FetLife friend's house, so anything we have leftover, we can take there.

It is still aggravating. It annoys me. I should expect it though - this isn't an isolated thing - every event seems to have people drop out last minute, and I always feel bad for the organizers.

PunkRock has to work all weekend, and he messaged me today that he is going to his brother's house tonight to care for the bird. I hadn't anticipated this, so I'm a little bummed. Not a lot, because hey, mom's night out at my house! Still, I have a little sad. He promises to get out of work early on Sunday so I can finally see Godzilla, so that is also a positive. :)

Well, I need to finish setting up my tables. Ciao!
 
Well the karaoke party was more fun and a bigger success than I had imagined it would be. We all had a blast! I hosted an impromptu potluck BBQ yesterday too, and lots of people without prior plans showed up. Fun, fun, fun!

I have so much joy in my life right now! I am writing this while PunkRock is snoring beside me, in my bed. We just had amazing sex. Each time is different, yet wonderful. Even though we are still having sex at least once a day - he keeps me humming. My sex drive doesn't feel like a curse to me anymore. It feels like an amazingly awesome bonus part of me.

June 1 will be 4 months. My NRE is still alive and well. Not that I expect it to stop. For me, it just doesn't. Actually, I feel a tremendous amount of relief - 3 months was rocky for me and M, so I was worried about reliving a similar experience, but PunkRock is so very different, thank goodness. He's not trying to get me to accept anything less than happy. :) He makes me smile so much! He posted this pic to me the other day on Facebook, that said he just wants me to be a princess, and I deserve orgasms and glitter. Silliness, but also super sweet.

Since PunkRock has been working a lot this past week, we haven't had any private dates. DarkKnight and I have had some great togetherness though - we went to a BBQ with a couple of my FetLife friends ( a completely vanilla event) and have had lunch together. Some shopping trips with our daughter. PunkRock and DarkKnight both took me to see Godzilla finally, Sunday night. Godzilla is my favorite ever, so it was great to see the new movie, and having both of them to hold my hands was good too. The 3 of us watched Gravity on our TV last night - though PunkRock was on the Loveseat for that. Still togetherness time!

We have a LOT of tumultuous outside events and stress right now, but I feel like my love relationships are pretty great. :)

PunkRock is planning on moving his bed over from his brother's house this week, so we should be able to get into a more equitable schedule soon, as to who I share my nights with. Honestly, both guys snore and are super warm furnaces when they are sleeping. Lol
 
Today is a good day. I've spent most of it focused on homeschooling - finishing up the year and planning curriculum for the Fall. My daughter unfortunately is going to have a very busy summer full of Algebra 2 and lots of journal writing assignments. I won't let her pass tenth grade, since she has so much undone, so she is a little bit upset. However, she's been a slacker all year and now needs to finish. We spent some time going over her career goals - which she keeps changing - but it looks like she's committed to criminal justice right now. We'll see, I suppose. She's taking another online Coursera class through Penn State in September; this one will be on Constitutional Law. She has taken two online college courses already - Energy & the Environment, and Population Health.

Anyway, I like planning. I'm fairly organized, and checking off lists and ordering things makes me a happy person.

I have to say though, I am disappointed that she has changed her focus. I've gained a reputation for being the "science mom" and this will be the first year where I won't be holding classes for other kids. However, my daughter now has 3 science credits, and I don't feel like time will be well spent for her, if she takes any more. I was planning on teaching Astronomy in the Fall, but I won't have time, I don't think. So, instead I am thinking of using that time to look at finishing up my Bachelor's degree. I am like one semester short of a BS in International Business, but I think that idea is stupid. I like the thought of switching to a science major and starting my own business offering science classes and courses and camps. I don't know if it is financially viable, but I've made a little bit of money the last few years teaching high school chemistry and biology. I just think if I were to make it an official business, I'd need a degree to give it some solid backing. I don't want to end up with more student loan debt though. I need to research scholarships and grants for middle aged moms, small business entrepreneurs. That sort of thing. It's exciting to think about. :)

Sigh. Anyway, I might teach Astronomy anyway, so I don't lose my momentum with kids who keep signing up for my classes. Plus, I love Astronomy. I will have to think about it!
 
This is not a criticism, so please don't take it that way - but it always mystifies me when I hear parents talk about their high school age children choosing their careers. Why does a 10th-grader need to know what career to pursue? Seems to me to be such an enormous expectation! A co-worker of mine and her daughter have been through so much stress in the past few months about her daughter getting into college, and the early admissions process - and the girl is barely 16! When I told her I thought the Australians and Kiwis had a better system, she looked at me like she wanted to kill me - after a kid graduates high school, they take a year to backpack and travel the world before going to college. So they get to see life in different parts of the world and figure out what they want to do. I will never understand wh a high school kid NEEDS to go to college immediately after graduating high school.

Plus, I see nothing wrong with just starting with general college studies and letting the college experience inform them and help shape their choices - I am glad I was never pressured to choose a career back when I was 15 or 16 (not that you're pressuring your daughter, but I am thinking more of my coworker who was really pressuring hers). I switched careers many times in my life and have no regrets - that is just who I am. I like variety and following my different interests as I see fit. Maybe your daughter is of a similar bent and doesn't feel a need to be locked into any one occupation for the rest of her life right now. I wonder why in today's world, a kid can't just be a kid in high school, developing psychologically, emotionally, and simply focus on building common sense skills for living without targeting a specific career?
 
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Ha! She pressures herself more than I do. My homeschool has always been more of an unschooling experience, being child-led. She picks what she wants to learn about, and I find the resources. We change the program to match what she wants to know. Our discussion today centered around the fact that up until now she has wanted to continue being science and math heavy. She has earned 3 science credits already - but if she's no longer interested, then it would be silly for me to focus our limited schooling budget on building courses around it.

So for me, it isn't so much that she needs to decide on a life-long pursuit as just a direction to be moving toward so I can purchase curriculum. I don't even have my own career figured out, and I personally think that most people will probably have many different interests and careers over the course of their lives.

We have actually discussed her having a gap year and traveling after high school. She isn't a high achiever - she has language disabilities that make school more difficult for her. She is very reserved though, and nervous about traveling alone. We will see!

She has actually come full circle - in 6th grade she very much wanted to be a police officer. She would not qualify to serve in the military, so she was down about that for a while. It is certainly interesting to see where her interests lead her!
 
I've been listening to "Good Life" by OneRepublic today. "We all got our stories but please tell me, what there is to complain about."

My life is good. So happy. I have problems and stresses, but so much more is positive and wonderful.

Tomorrow is 4 months for PunkRockAwesomesauce and me. I told him last night that I feel like a weight has been lifted from me with that date so close. Subconsciously I keep waiting for our relationship to take the same path that my love with M did, and we are so far off that course, it isn't even comparative in the least bit. It is a sigh of relief still, to have reached this marker and feel so absolutely in tune and in love. It very much feels like forever, like I felt when DarkKnight and I first started dating.

My sister posted one of those picture memes on her Facebook yesterday - only this one was about how important sisters are, and how much she loves her sister. It was kind of surreal - I had no idea how to respond. So out of character for her. Though I must say that lately I haven't had to delete any comments from her, what she writes is always funny, instead of bitchy and judgemental. I hope to go to NY in August, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that this continues in a positive manner too.

My new tattoo was itching last night - I wanted to take a belt sander to it. This morning it feels better. Sucks that it is on my hand, because it is so easy for me to reach! At least when I had my shoulder & back tats done, it took effort to touch them, so I didn't cause any damage. I am trying my best to leave it alone!

Funny story - yesterday I got my hair cut and the stylist had a heart tattoo on her left hand too. She noticed mine and complimented me on the color and the infinity sign, and wondered if it had a meaning. So I explained polyamory to her and she was ecstatic over it. "You always hear of guys doing that, of having multiple women and wives. I didn't know women could have multiple husbands! That's super cool!" She said she was going to read about it online later. Lol It was fun to hear her questions about my life.
 
PunkRockAwesomesauce went to work yesterday super early, so he could be home in time to go see DarkKnight sing in his choral show. I was so happy he came to watch with me! What a sweetheart.

DarkKnight was looking mighty adorable in his tux too. It's funny to me that my husband owns two full tuxedos. It just seems a tad ridiculous. Anyway, I am going to post a photo of him all spiffy-looking in my album.

DarkKnight's cousin came to the show too, so PunkRock got to meet a member of our extended family for the first time ever. It wasn't awkward, but DarkKnight's cousin completely avoided the topic of poly and didn't ask a single question about our relationship. I didn't say anything to bring up the topic either - when I introduced him, I just said, "This is PunkRockAwesomesauce." I didn't tack on that he is my boyfriend, because the cousin already has that piece of information. It seemed to go well.

We are heading back to PunkRock's brother's house today, to feed the brother's bird and mow the lawn there. PunkRock has some items to transport too, still, so we will be loading up my van with furniture and boxes again. I have been promised guacamole today - I've been craving it half the week!
 
Lately things have been a little stressed. PunkRock and I had a pretty big misunderstanding earlier this week, regarding the sex we were having at the time, but we worked it out eventually. I was in tears by the end though, and he was teary. Since then I have been a bit more on edge, but our relationship is still fine.

I actually was out of sorts last night and today. I would like some advice.

PunkRock has his bed here now and so he and DarkKnight have been switching nights back and forth with who sleeps in my bedroom and it is causing me stress. Last night, DarkKnight and I had a great casual dinner date, followed by Starbucks. About 3 hours full of chatting and together time. We returned home, watched a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad (we are finally on season 4) and then PunkRock arrived home from work. I hadn't seen him all day, so I sat with him while he ate his Chinese takeout and we talked about schedules, life, etc.

It had been decided earlier in the week that DarkKnight would sleepover in my room that night, but I honestly had had enough time with him, and I felt really connected and wanting to snuggle with PunkRock. I didn't want to hurt DarkKnight's feelings, especially since for the next two hours he retired to his own bedroom, so as to give PunkRock and I that connection time.

But at 10, he arrived to go to bed, and we snuggled and then he wanted to sleep. I was wide awake and wanting to be with PunkRock. So, I retreated from my own room to PunkRock's bed, to read a book while he unpacked some more of his boxes. After about an hour, we were both ready for bed. I did not in any way want to go and snuggle with DarkKnight. I wanted to stay put. However, I went back to my room, and DarkKnight was quite snuggly. I got over it and enjoyed having him there, but I had stress dreams all night. In the morning, after DarkKnight went to work (he works at home, in a basement office) I went and got PunkRock to come snuggle me in my bedroom. We later had sex in the morning, before he left for work too.

Wow - was I emotional. I don't feel like this is balanced. I talked to DarkKnight about what happened and was quite teary and wanting his feelings. He called me silly, was super sweet and supportive. He said he was 100% ok with what happened and said I am crazy to think that any of us will have the same sleep schedules or balanced needs on any particular day. He said he was fine with how I handled things. He really was.

I, however, feel like I cheated DarkKnight out of a night with me. I feel a little ashamed for having such a strong preference for an overnight with PunkRockAwesomesauce. I say that, but then can understand what DarkKnight was trying to get me to acknowledge - he is not touchy feely when sleeping, whereas PunkRock holds me close constantly, which is something I love and feel like I benefit from. PunkRock is a night owl, DarkKnight would like to have lights out no later than 10. I usually like staying up til midnight or so. I annoy DarkKnight most nights, wanting to stay up later, etc.

Sigh. I don't know. I do know I felt like a terrible person. DarkKnight says maybe we shouldn't decide sleeping arrangements until bed time. Maybe that is better.

Any advice on how to balance? I do think DarkKnight is ok but I was not and I still feel unhappy with how things went. I haven't had a chance to talk to PunkRock.

DarkKnight says he would have not even felt bad if I had told him I wanted to stay with PunkRock as an overnight partner last night. He said he wouldn't have taken it as some sort of pronouncement on a permanent preference. I have a fear, I think, that he would, or that PunkRock would, if their positions had been reversed. He says he would have seen my need for connection with PunkRock at that time, and been fine. He said he was fine with being alone for a while, but also would have been ok with being, uh, banished, to his own room earlier.

Can I do that? I don't know if I like having this power, as a hinge. To have to decide this sort of thing and potentially hurt one of my guys is intimidating and it is hurting me. I guess they ARE grown and should be able to articulate their own feelings. Lol Sigh.

How do other co habitating couples handle this?
 
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