I remember this thread from 5 years ago! lol
I hate the term "the lifestyle." I guess swingers use it as code with each other, or to ferret out people who they think might be swingers but aren't sure.
"Are you in 'the lifestyle?'" "We've been in 'the lifestyle' seven years.'"
It's code so you don't have to say "I have meaningless sex with others at parties/orgies."
It's such a stupid word, a holdover from the 70s or 80s... I went around my house last night after reading this thread, speaking like that character from Gilligan's Island, saying out loud in a Thurston Howell III voice, "Buffy and I are in The Lifestyle."
It just doesn't apply to me and how I live my life. And it's unclear what use it is for polyamorous people. Their lives are not as similar as swingers' lives. We don't have the "club," as was said upthread. We don't need a code word.
I love this. I love you for saying this. I laughed.
Yes, I do think there is something of that 70's swinger culture that flavors the word and the concept.
When I was a kid in the mid to late 80s, I had an aunt and uncle who were swingers. I didn't know it. They were the sort who would go to retreats together and swap, and the aunt went with my Mom to see male strippers, and they (the aunt and uncle) had statues of naked people, including a young couple in a passionate embrace on the coffee table. In their home, along with the weird coconut people and the wet bar with the weird light fixtures, the shag carpet and rattan, oh and the coffee table was full of seashells. Yeah all of that is irrelevant. But the memories are fun. Point is, when I was like 6-8 years old, I really was uncomfortable about the naked statues.
But those two had probably the happiest, healthiest, till death do us part marriage out of any of my relatives, and both of their sons grew up to be very successful and happy adults. "Lifestyle" is absolutely a word they would have used. And yeah, there's a certain cheese-factor there.
But to say that something is "a lifestyle" I would go just a bit further (or in a different direction) than whether one "identifies" as <whatever> or whether one chooses to do <whatever.> I'd ask, how much of your life stuff revolves around that thing?
OK so there's a woman who is super successful and very independent and she's got her own fancy apartment and she's got lovers in six cities that she sees when it's convenient for her. A very glamorous person! I would not say she's living a "polyamorous lifestyle" although she is poly, and she certainly has a lifestyle! It's more that of a wealthy child-free jet-setter, this imaginary person, that's how I'd describe her lifestyle. Her love habits are just a part of it, maybe not even a very big part!
Now look at someone whose daily life revolves a lot more around their relationships. Maybe they live in a communal household of some sort. Poly is a huge part of the lifestyle they lead.
I would have to explain it to people in a place like this, yes. In group meetings at Voodoo, not so much. But again, bear in mind that the leader of the poly discussion group actually was the one who gave me a hard time about going functionally mono with my Zen. She really cannot imagine, once being part of a "poly lifestyle" ever wanting any different. And I've had people here too, who, in my blog have said, "But is he asking that of you? Why does it mean you have to..." I don't have to. I want to.
Because you see, being poly, as a lifestyle, was not a working thing for me right now. I don't have the time. I have other obligations. And the stress of it was out-weighing the good I was getting from it. So, I'll step off that boat and be mono again for a time. For however long that works.
Kink on the other hand, is non-negotiable for me. I don't see myself wanting to give up SM play in my future, ever, at all. Poly was interesting, and often fun...but not a NEED. BDSM though, is a NEED that I have. And since I don't only do it at home with a partner, and hide it from the rest of the world...I actually have a magnet with the BDSM triskele emblem on my car, I attend kink events in two cities at various venues, and I hope to be part of the community for a very long time...in fact I wish I could be making a living building toys and furniture among other things, and I wish I could make MORE of my life about kink and the community... So I would say that I am into that as a "lifestyle."
And people in the community would understand that, with no explanation needed as to the fact that I am not a 24/7 slave or Master, etc. The details aren't that important.