Poly or Problem?

IrisAwakened

New member
How can one tell when they are married, if they are poly or if there are problems in their marriage that they are trying to escape from?

Last year my husband and I started practicing polyamory. It went wonderfully, I felt so fulfilled and free. He was fine with it as well, although didn't find a partner as soon as I did. A year later and I am contemplating divorce. It's not that I feel like running away with my other partner, I just have completely grown away from my spouse. He's my best friend and a great dad, but I don't feel like being married to him, tied to him romantically, anymore. I was blindsided, realizing that perhaps our relationship was flawed and I was blind to it until I put it to the poly test. Now I am wondering if I do split from him, will polyamory continue to make sense to me, or was that just an escape?
 
How much time have you and your husband spent working on trying to improve the connection between the two of you? Do you have regular date nights?

It is possible that you guys have both been spending so much romantic energy elsewhere, that you have neglected your relationship. When I start feeling disconnected from my husband, my first instinct is to pull away further, but that just makes things worse. Date nights and alone time together is important to that intimate connection.
 
It's a long story that I don't feel like divulging yet. More so wondering about how people know that their current relationships are not flawed before going poly. I would really like to continue polyamory in my future relationships, but how does one know their relationship is ready and strong enough? Can you know, or do you just take the plunge and find out?
 
This is a good question and one that I'm not sure enough people ask themselves! :)

How did you feel about your husband when you first became poly? How long have you been poly... a year, did you say? Have you ever experienced dips and peaks in your feelings for him before? How long have you been feeling this way?

Like SN. said... do you still have dates at all? Do you still make time for intimacy and romance? Or has this faded for you; do you no longer want to?

Have you ever read Sternberg's Love Theory? This concept helps me massively when I am trying to figure out what kind of love, if any, I feel for someone. It might help you to recognise what you're feeling for your husband and whether or not there might be a road back, if you want to take it - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love
 
It's a long story that I don't feel like divulging yet. More so wondering about how people know that their current relationships are not flawed before going poly. I would really like to continue polyamory in my future relationships, but how does one know their relationship is ready and strong enough? Can you know, or do you just take the plunge and find out?

Just saw your latest post after I finished my response...

I think that as long as you enter a relationship with honesty, good communication, expectations and guidelines laid out, then that's ok.

My GF and I started out as poly and we still are. We have never been monogamous together. It was hard for the first 6 months; but we were also brand new to the idea of poly *and* our relationship with each other.

I sometimes think it's worse when marital difficulties bring about poly than when a fresh relationship starts off as poly.
 
how does one know their relationship is ready and strong enough?

In most cases, you probably don't, but I'm not the one to answer that. Hell, I have to ask that question every time we move or my in-laws come for a month long visit. Major changes always put stress on a marriage, moving, kids, new roommates, relatives visiting, etc.

PS. I'm currently working on a struggling marriage. While we are in a much better place than we were 3 years ago, we are NOT strong enough for poly or anything else right now. So I do relate to the not wanting to be married anymore.
 
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SnarklePop- I think you are right, it is tougher sometimes coming from a marital standpoint, wondering if you feel this way about Poly because it speaks to who you are as a person, or is it because you are a having issues you are avoiding (perhaps without notice). I appreciate your comments, it gives me a little hope going further, that I may still practice polyamory, when it makes sense in my relationship. I also appreciate the respect you are giving me for my need of privacy in my relationship.

I am still in the thick of figuring this craziness out, and I have been talking to everyone under the sun the last few weeks, I just couldn't bear telling the whole story all over again to a completely unrelated person...what can I say, I'm lazy!
 
I've seen that happen with a fair number of married couples that thought they were happy going into polyamory, then find upon dating others that they were ready to move on, on good terms or otherwise.

It's important that couples do what they can to continue strengthening their relationship with each other while getting to know others if they wish to remain together. Bring as much of that NRE as you can back into your original relationship if you want it to persist. Go do new things with your husband/wife, workout together, have adventures together. Fall in love with each other again every day, or the new relationships may lead to falling out of love.
 
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I am still in the thick of figuring this craziness out, and I have been talking to everyone under the sun the last few weeks, I just couldn't bear telling the whole story all over again to a completely unrelated person...what can I say, I'm lazy!

I understand that! God, I find having to explain it to my secondary partners, who are usually previously-mono single girls a headache after a while... and that's with barely any of the guidelines or heavy talking I go through with a primary ... ;)

Just a little side note...

I used to be a serial monogamist... and I mean Ted Bundy type serial. Not in the murderous sense. ~grins~ But serious overlap of relationships, from one long term love to another. Since I was 16 and started dating, I've only ever been single for about 1 month. Craziness.

But... I realised that it's important sometimes to be alone. When I met my current partner, I was breaking up with my then-girlfriend. I didn't want to rush into a relationship, but ended up falling for GF and becoming poly with her. Strangely enough, I feel kind of single at the moment (ish). I've actually decided not to date anyone outside of her for a while. She's in a different country - so while I'm here, I'm basically celibate. It's been hard but it's actually doing me the world of good - to focus on fulfilling my own needs instead of relying on relationships.

My point with all this waffle is.... perhaps it's a good idea to think about looking after yourself, regardless of other partners, mono or poly. If you do end up going through a separation with your husband, maybe it would be great to just take things as they come, take a break from people (including or excluding your boyfriend).... and I think the answer will come to you naturally over time.

Good luck and please let us know how you get on! :)
 
Thank you for posting this quandry as I've combed over this site for the better part of a week trying to find someone going through a similar challenge.

For me it's not so much that I don't love my husband, I know in my mind I love him and I fight to feel it in my heart. It must be also in my heart as he's a really terrific guy and I admire, respect and must love him out of all the years together but as my heart as opened up to another love it's made me face the fact that I haven't been physically/sexually attracted to my husband in many years.

We still have sex and usually once I get going it's nice and he seems to get the connection that guys get from sex and that's what I want for him but I really feel no excited/spark and its been that way for a long time. He's still very attracted to me; makes me feel so guilty and desperately wishing I knew how to fix it! We do have the date nights, it's sorta helping...:(

IrisA; is it just sexual attraction that's missing too? (Doesn't the discrepancy seem to become more obvious w/ a new amour?) Or is the whole relationship and/or intimacy failing?

I feel for you! So good to know you have supportive friends you're able to turn to and thank you for posting so I know I'm not the only one!
 
.. wondering if you feel this way about Poly because it speaks to who you are as a person, or is it because you are a having issues you are avoiding (perhaps without notice).

Or, to be less negative about it, a marriage might have issues that you are aware of but cannot necessarily solve. Choosing to be poly might help sustain a marriage that has value but is not meeting everyone's emotional needs.

But I completely agree that significant effort needs to be put into maintaining the initial relationship. Although that's true whether you add poly to the mix or not; it's just that the poly can exacerbate it.

I wonder whether it's also tough to know whether a relationship is strong enough to bear the new structure because people tend to change in response to the new relationship. I know the last year has posed a lot of challenges for me and I have changed as a result; I'm lucky in that I think this has strengthened my capacity to have relationships, including my marriage, but I can imagine that such changes could also interfere with a bond.

Not sure that it matters, but I definitely question whether poly "speaks to who I am as a person"; my long-term assumption was the opposite.
 
How can one tell when they are married, if they are poly or if there are problems in their marriage that they are trying to escape from?

Could also be BOTH. One is poly. AND there are problems in the marriage one is trying to escape from.

It doesn't have to be and "either / or" thing. *shrug*


Last year my husband and I started practicing polyamory. It went wonderfully, I felt so fulfilled and free. He was fine with it as well, although didn't find a partner as soon as I did.

So the poly part is going fine with the other partners then.

A year later and I am contemplating divorce. It's not that I feel like running away with my other partner, I just have completely grown away from my spouse. He's my best friend and a great dad, but I don't feel like being married to him, tied to him romantically, anymore.

Well, that is a risk. The risk of "falling out of love." You can be in monoship or polyship -- that risk is always present.

What needs of yours are not being met by him?

I was blindsided, realizing that perhaps our relationship was flawed and I was blind to it until I put it to the poly test.

Why does it have to be "flawed?" Is it perceived or actual flaw? (Do not have to share details. Just ask yourself that as you sort.)

All relationships come with a clock attached. Even "til death to us part" is an ending. Could it be that it just came to the end of its natural run?

Now I am wondering if I do split from him, will polyamory continue to make sense to me, or was that just an escape?

Again -- can't it be both?

Polyamory makes sense to you. Polyshipping was also a way to avoid dealing with whatever problems there were in the marriage.

You really can't know the future til you are there. So this kind of "what iffing" is not productive. Deal with what is actual and you have on your plate right now -- you have a desire to divorce him.

So... could make a final decision on that and talk to him.

I'm sorry you are hurting. But if your are feeling like it is over between you, talk to him honestly about how you feel. If divorce is what is needed, try to navigate it quick, clean and as peacefully as possible.

Neither of you would benefit from divorce drama.

Move it forward to the healing place for both.

Either together (if you choose to heal the rift/flaw thing) or apart (if you choose to be apart.) Pick what is best for your long term healths.

I want to respect your privacy on details, but that's the best I can do with info given so far. I apologize if it isn't the feedback you need in this hurting time. I do see you are hurting/confused here.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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