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  #1  
Old 06-21-2020, 02:16 PM
Lon8462 Lon8462 is offline
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Default Polyamorous break ups?

Sooooooooooooo
Fights in a Polyam Relationship?

So kinda just looking for advice but I am? In a Polyam V relationship which for a long while was kept secret from family and friends.

Sadly I might be going through a bit of a separation with my 2+ year partner(K) and her metamor (D)

K is a Sexual Assault survivor and I mention that only to give context a little to her person and the hurt she is going through. Furthermore, what triggered all this was when we all together were planning to try something new in the bedroom at Kís suggestion. And so D with the most experience among us was kind of leading things and I was holding Kís hand. Well eventually, K went from being excited to nervous to not liking it at all. K and I were both high as well which did not help things either. Either way, as I was the one that knew most about Kís sexual trauma and how easily it could be triggered, and I was the only male present, at the time of this writing I feel like I am the one being blamed for the majority of what happened that night.

Nevertheless, Iíve been asked by K to give her space and while I did by choice, itís been a week now with no end in sight for when I can come back to the apartment we all live in together.

In the process of our separation, Iíve come clean about my lifestyle to my family and while their not approving, they say that the real thing they do not like is that I am being left out by her and disrespected because she is not treating D like she is treating me. What especially triggered my family is when she posted a picture of them both kissing for pride month.

Personally, I feel like I donít really care about the post especially as I know K has been wanting to post stuff about her Polyam lifestyle for awhile and because she told me it was something she wanted to do before I left.

However, I am struggling on my feelings regarding the difference in treatment between D and I. And I suppose I wanted to ask other non monogamies people what they think in regards to this and what their opinions are in the event of one person separating from a Polyam triad and what should ethically be expected in that event. If that makes sense?

Anyways any new perspectives would be greatly appreciated
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  #2  
Old 06-21-2020, 08:33 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Hmmmm...my first thought is that if someone needed space it would not involve me moving out of my house. If she needs space, it is up to her to find that space.

But that is me. I have no idea about your dynamic or what actually happened. Hopefully she is in therapy for this? That is a pretty strong reaction.

I'm not a prude about drugs, but I'm going to sound like one for a second. It's never a good idea to be drunk or high when trying out something new, especially if it's kinky. It might seem like a good idea to loosen inhibitions, but leads to impared judgement and missed nuances.

So what are you going to do? It's definitely not right to leave you in limbo like this. It's also not a good idea to be too aggressive either.
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  #3  
Old 06-21-2020, 09:12 PM
Lon8462 Lon8462 is offline
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Well so far the plan is to go back up this Saturday weather or not she is ready for me to be there, and just I suppose live my life up there as best I can until I can find a new place to live near school.

What I want I guess in my heart of hearts is to be able to still have a healthy relationship with the both of them, friendship and MAYBE something intimate after a year of us both healing. I didnít mention it in the post above, but ever since last year when she tried committing suicide I had started ignoring my needs in favor of hers. I lost myself in the relationship. I want space to find myself a little and move on from placing so much importance on our relationship. I of course donít know what she wants, so for all I know as soon as I get back neither of them will want anything to do with me.

But I donít think I can live my life or move on living with my family like I am now.

She was in therapy but recently graduated when her therapist changed clinics so right now I have no idea if sheís seeing anyone.

I think what is making this such a strong reaction for her is the trauma of her childhood with sexual assault and the fact that I know about it. She feels like I more than anyone should have stopped things and I didnít. But thatís just what I think, for all I know maybe thereís something else thatís hurting her more.

Either way, I guess whatís making it so hard for me to just focus on myself And move on is the fact that neither of them are talking to me now. Their living it feels like as if I donít exist and that sucks.
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  #4  
Old 06-21-2020, 10:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you hurt. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I get it how it you mean. You correct me if I get anything wrong, ok?

I quote to visually block it off.

Quote:
PEOPLE
  • You, male
  • K, female
  • D, female
  • You are all in a V thing, and K is the hinge person.

SITUATION
  • K wanted to try something new in the bedroom. (Like some kind of group sex/kink thing?)
  • You and K were high from doing whatever drug.
  • D was the leader.
  • You were holding K's hand.
  • At first K liked it, but then ended up NOT liking it because it triggered her past trauma. (K is a sex abuse survivor)

PROBLEM
  • K blames you for it going all wrong. She thinks you have to be responsible for informing her other lovers about her stuff.
  • K did/did not inform D of potential triggers from past trauma before engaging in the new sex thing(?)
  • K told you to give her space. You chose to move out for a week to live with family.
  • Still no news from K for when you can return home to the space you all share. You gave it a week and plan to move back and get on with living your life.

EXTRA INFO
  • You came out to your family about being poly. They don't approve. But they def don't approve of how K is treating you right now.
  • You also notice that K treats you and D different.
  • Last years K was suicidal. You started ignoring your needs for her and lost yourself in the relationship. You do not know if she's still in therapy or not.

WHAT YOU WANT
  • You want space to find yourself. You don't want to be living with family like you are right now.
  • You want to move on from placing so much importance on the relationship with K
  • After a year of healing on all sides, you would be willing to reconsider getting involved again. As friends only, or as something more intimate.

HELP FROM OTHERS

You want to ask other poly people:
  • What do you all think of this situation?
  • How do poly break ups usually go?
  • What can I expect as ethical treatment of me?
Is that about it? If so...


What do you all think of this situation?

I think you could go home, pack up, and find yourself your own flat.

I think if K really does expect you to do her jobs for her like alert her lovers to her history? She could learn to do her own jobs. And not to blame shift on to you.

Quote:
Either way, I guess what’s making it so hard for me to just focus on myself And move on is the fact that neither of them are talking to me now. Their living it feels like as if I don’t exist and that sucks.
Other people don't give you closure. You create your own closure.

It sucks if they are behaving that way and not talking to you. I can imagine it is hard. At the same time... if your mind is over on them and their stuff, you are not doing your stuff. Sometimes one must physically leave first. Then the mind and heart can also "leave." So put one foot in front of the other and do the necessary tasks - packing your stuff, finding a new flat. If you have to put your stuff into temp storage and be with family a bit more as a stepping stone... do what you gotta do. One thing at a time.

[*]How do poly break ups usually go?

I think it depends on how the people have planned for them to go. Doesn't sound like there's a plan here or like it was talked about.

So you could wing it, and just do your best and get on with your wants.

[*]What can I expect as ethical treatment of me?

You can expect yourself to carry yourself with dignity. And you can say "No, thanks. I'm not up for that." if either K or D bring up shenanigans.

YOU decide what you will and will not put up with.

You sound like you want to detach from this relationship. So... could get on with it. Get to your next port of call and once there, give yourself the time and space you need to grieve and heal.

I'm sorry this happened.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-21-2020 at 11:02 PM.
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  #5  
Old 06-22-2020, 03:56 AM
Lon8462 Lon8462 is offline
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So first of all, thank you for organizing your post so well it really helps. Everything you had gathered was pretty much right, and I'm thankful that my rambling wasn't too confusing

Quote:
SITUATION
  • K wanted to try something new in the bedroom. (Like some kind of group sex/kink thing?)
  • At first K liked it, but then ended up NOT liking it because it triggered her past trauma. (K is a sex abuse survivor)
Specifically, she wanted to try a butt plug.

And Butt Plugs are something D does relatively a lot and something I've experimented with once recently with K.

K has had as far as I know one bad experience in the past with anal but, and this is where things get a little hazy for me now as I look back, Idk if anal was something she genuinely was interested in or was something she wanted to do because she felt like it would make D happy or even if she felt like it would make me happy since she was the person to put one inside me when I tried it.


Quote:
PROBLEM
  • Still no news from K for when you can return home to the space you all share. You gave it a week and plan to move back and get on with living your life.
So I guess an Update, but she texted me today to send me a fathers day picture of our cat and let me know that she had seen that I had purchased a flight back for Saturday and that she though that would be a good time for me to come back. She also mentioned that she was healing and that she hoped I was healing too.

I'll be honest, I don't know how to feel about this. Because with her lately, I've had a tendency to place her needs above mine and a part of me is happy that she seems to finally want me back and I feel a little less alone and ignored now.

And yet, for almost an entire week now it feels like she has ignored me and the struggles that I am going through. I had to deal with telling my family everything. I'm the one who was blamed and I am the one who was alone while she had D. I suppose I am struggling with these feeling of unfairness, because it feels like K & D both turned their backs on me when what happened wasn't just my fault. Yes, I can admit to being careless and can understand that being careless isn't an excuse for making anyone feel pressured, uncomfortable, or even like they aren't being listened to during sex. But there was three of us there, and I wasn't the one leading the situation nor was I the one who wanted the sex to happen.

and *sigh* I guess I'm just hurting myself by hoping that they'll realize what I've been feeling and acknowledge my pain.

Quote:
WHAT YOU WANT
  • After a year of healing on all sides, you would be willing to reconsider getting involved again. As friends only, or as something more intimate.
So to clarify, I'd prefer if things could be somewhat positive/ or to be able to be friends when I get back. if something more intimate happens after we have both healed and grown, then yes, I would be comfortable with that.

I don't know if that is something they want, if they don't want to be the ones to kick me out or if K wants me to return but move how and when she wants at a pace she is comfortable with. If I am honest, my mindset is expect the worst and hope that what I want will happen. which, honestly, I don't know is the best mindset to have.


Quote:
HELP FROM OTHERS

You want to ask other poly people:
  • What do you all think of this situation?
  • How do poly break ups usually go?
  • What can I expect as ethical treatment of me?
I guess the only other things I would ask is:
  • Should people/partnars in poly relationships expect to be treated differently?

As for everything else you said @GalaGirl I appreciate it. I am currently in the process of finding another place where I can heal a bit.

I still don't know what my 'normal' is right now, and its kind of hard to think that I've been not looking out for myself for a bit.

I look back sometimes and think man did I really keep that in for so long? or man did I really let that need or want become something that I felt I wasn't allowed to have because K or even D should be the focus right now?
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  #6  
Old 06-22-2020, 02:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I hope you feel better airing some of that out.

Quote:
I am currently in the process of finding another place where I can heal a bit.
Probably a good thing. Then you can be in your own space and meet your want of wanting to find your own self again without anyone bothering you.


Quote:
I still don't know what my 'normal' is right now, and its kind of hard to think that I've been not looking out for myself for a bit.
Is that your way of going?

Like you do for others and in trade they are supposed to do for you?

I don't do it that way. I care for me first.

Not like selfish, but like self care. I tell all children here that I have to do my basics before bonus. So I'm gonna wake up and pee first before I help anyone else find breakfast. That's just sense. If all people did "basics before bonus" then everyone is being seen to by at least one person -- THEM.

And when you gift bonus help to others, it comes from a place of really gifting help. Generously given because you operate from a full tank of gas. Not like it's coming out of your hide. YKWIM?

If you discovered you were doing too much with K -- propping her up during her suicidal last year, not knowing if she's doing her patient management plan for that or even if she's still in therapy...

Kinda being her "life raft" or "prop-her-up" person?

It's ok to pull back and do less. You aren't supposed to be her free therapist or scapegoat or do everything person. It's ok to reach a personal limit. Nobody can be like Superman or Wonder Woman or whatever.

Quote:
*sigh* I guess I'm just hurting myself by hoping that they'll realize what I've been feeling and acknowledge my pain.
As painful as it is... I think it is GOOD you are asking yourself things like...
  • Did I really keep that in for so long? Am I appreciated here?
  • Did I really put K or D wants or needs as my main focus so much that I thought I wasn't allowed to have my own wants or needs?

It's not ok to subsume yourself to a relationship. That's not healthy relating.

That's why I say "basics before bonus."

You first, then others. Not like selfish, but self care. You HAVE to go pee first in the morning before attending to others. Why wouldn't you?

You have to feel safe in the relationships you choose to participate in. Otherwise? It hurts. If things don't change? You can choose to stop being here. Because you can love someone a whole lot, but you have to love you too. And look out for your own well being. It cannot be everyone else ahead of you always.

You aren't supposed to be a door mat.

I'm glad you are getting your own place. I hope you do heal from this experience.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-22-2020 at 02:27 PM.
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  #7  
Old 06-22-2020, 05:06 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon8462 View Post
K and I were both high as well which did not help things either.
You skipped over Vinsanity's recommendation about not drugging before intense and new sexual/kinky play - and I just want to call it to your attention again. Getting high (on anything) before intense and new sexual activity is not a good idea for many reasons, but are you aware that many people with sexually traumatic pasts are more vulnerable than others? It's common for people with sexual trauma to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, which only compounds the issue. For you, an altered state might seem like a fun thing to mix with sex and kink, but for someone who is dealing with sexual trauma, it can be the worst kind of trigger and compounder of what is already a painful and confusing reality - both during and especially after the sex when sobriety sets in. Of course K is responsible for her own choices, but you might find some education about this issue to be of help for you.
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Old 06-22-2020, 06:09 PM
Lon8462 Lon8462 is offline
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Quote:
You skipped over Vinsanity's recommendation about not drugging before intense and new sexual/kinky play - and I just want to call it to your attention again.
My apologies, I kind of read over it and internalized the recommendation without commenting on it, but considering everything, I should be reaffirming the lessons learned as much as possible

I am aware that SAS people are very vulnerable people and my knowledge of that was sadly not enough to prepare me for where I am now. K and I have started smoking pot more because she worked at a dispensary and in a way I took it to be a new facet of her personality. I didn't consider that she was using the drug for anything other than to feel more in control and more herself I suppose. But you are both right, the dangers of intoxication during sex are something that should always be kept in mind, especially with SAS people, and something I'll keep in mind better for the future

Just as well, I haven't smoked nor drank anything intoxicating since the event and am currently revaluating my relationship with them both right now.

Quote:
You have to feel safe in the relationships you choose to participate in. Otherwise? It hurts. If things don't change? You can choose to stop being here. Because you can love someone a whole lot, but you have to love you too. And look out for your own well being. It cannot be everyone else ahead of you always.

You aren't supposed to be a door mat.

I'm glad you are getting your own place. I hope you do heal from this experience.
Yes this is definitely something I will also keep in mind.

If I am honest, this is something that I have always had trouble with in every relationship and just in general. I am currently seeking consistent therapy for it but putting my own needs above others has always been a struggle for me.

If anyone has any advice growing from or has also experienced feelings of putting others before themselves, I would love to hear it either here or through a PM. I come from a family of hot headed people and while I love them, I cant help but feel that self care is just easier for them. Anyways,

I am currently scheduled to go back home on Saturday and honestly, I am both relieved and anxious to go back. I don't really know what's waiting for me up there and all my mind seems to think about is what could happen. I find myself preparing conversations in my head or dreaming about what could happen, but really I wish I could just be focusing on myself or finding ways to take care of myself instead. I guess I'm just afraid that by going back up there, I'm gonna end up folding into whatever K or D wants.
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Old 06-22-2020, 09:14 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Lon8462,

From what you have posted so far, it seems to me that this relationship (with K and D) has been unhealthy in general for you. It's just that it came to a head when K wanted to try something new in the bedroom. What you should do about that? probably, what you're already doing. Most importantly right now, you're looking for a new place to live. Keep doing that. And as for K and D, it sounds like K has an extended an olive branch, so it's hopeful you can be on friendly terms with her. So I would be her friend, but not her lover at this time. Maybe in about a year, after all three of you have had some time to heal and reflect, you can become lovers again if that's something that K wants. (I couldn't tell whether you and D have also been lovers.) That year may give you time to strengthen your own boundaries in your own mind, and to get into the habit of taking care of yourself first (before taking care of others). This would make for a healthier relationship.

Hang in there, and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 06-23-2020, 11:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon8462 View Post
If I am honest, this is something that I have always had trouble with in every relationship and just in general. I am currently seeking consistent therapy for it but putting my own needs above others has always been a struggle for me.....I wish I could just be focusing on myself or finding ways to take care of myself instead. I'm just afraid that by going back up there, I'm gonna end up folding into whatever K or D wants.
This is super common and the extreme version is called codependence. There are so many resources for getting better with codependent thinking because it is so very common - so don't think that you're some rare person who struggles with putting his needs below others' or gives "too much." The key to getting better is understanding that this is a thinking pattern of yours, it's not something that finding the "right person" can cure or something that a "toxic person" can heap upon you. It's your pattern of thinking and it's learned, which is good news because anything that is learned can be unlearned and replaced with better thinking, it's just a matter of education and lots of practice. We always draw people to us who reflect what we habitually think about. People show us what our patterns are, so if you're not happy with what your relationships are repeatedly showing you about yourself, you have every power to change the pattern. Don't wait for a "better person" to do it for you because nobody can - and it sounds like you understand this part already.

People who grow up in homes where they learn to subsume their needs to others' will usually repeat the pattern in adult relationships unless they take measures to change their habitual thinking. I'm happy to hear that you're in therapy for this. There are many additional resources, as I said, for this is a very common experience. It's also common for "over givers" to orbit up with troubled and sometimes substance addicted lovers. We are drawn to them like bees to honey. Again, there are many resources for changing this thinking pattern because over-giving is so common and so painful. Lots of people are looking to change their habit of looking to others for cues as to how to feel. It's definitely changeable and life feels so much better when you learn to be the master of your own ship, navigating smoothly without constantly careening into the emotional rocks of others' troubled lives.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 06-23-2020 at 11:34 AM.
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