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Old 06-20-2020, 01:10 AM
polywog04 polywog04 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 3
Default Update: I think I was a unicorn and I don't know how to move forward

Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my original thread. I learned so much from every one of you!

But here's an update on the situation.

A few days after my original post, Wife (we'll call her Anne) messaged me screenshots of a conversation between her and Husband (who we'll call Jerry). Anne had basically told Jerry that she wasn't comfortable with him seeing me because I was her ex. That Anne felt a relationship between Jerry and I would be toxic (not sure why?). Jerry replied back with that being with me would make him happy. Anne said that there are thousands of other women in the world, he doesn't need me.

I messaged Anne back and informed her that I refuse to be in the middle of it. This is something her and Jerry need to work on together. Anne said Jerry brought up marriage counseling to work through their issues. I left her on read, since I no longer wanted to be apart of the conversation with her. At this point, it's between her and Jerry to move forward.

Jerry messaged three days later to inform me that he started individual therapy. (Which yay! Good for him. That was a major step.) That night, Anne messaged me, wanting to know about Jerry and me's conversations and my intentions. Other than the therapy message, we hadn't talked. I, again, informed her that I was no longer in the relationship and she needed to talk to Jerry.

I informed Jerry the following day that I still wanted to continue a relationship with him, but I understand that I cannot. So I was walking away for good. That I would not sit here and have someone question my motives, or my conversations. I was putting boundaries up about not letting someone else control my relationships or friendships. Jerry asked for time to figure out his next steps.

A week later, Jerry messaged me again and said that Anne agreed to let he and I date. I never said anything, other than asking what his boundaries are. He just wanted to go slow and not have Anne control every aspect. 5 days after that conversation, he messaged me an extremely long message to let me know that Anne had changed her mind and does not want Jerry and I together. He apologized for hurting me and dragging me along. He told me that he loves so very much and that he misses me. That he's going to continue therapy and he isn't sure what's going to happen from it, but he knows that I can't wait for him forever. I replied back with "Good luck with everything."

I have since blocked both Anne and Jerry on all social media, from texting, and calling. Jerry continues to reach out. (I can see blocked messages.) I haven't responded. Anne texted me the other day to tell me to leave Jerry alone and never talk to him again. (Again, I wasn't replying anyways.)

Anyway.. that's the update! Kind of crazy and long. But I have officially walked away for good. Should I enter into another poly relationship, I have all of your advice to look back on. So again, thank you so much!

ETA: I will also add that I have been in therapy (poly friendly) for much of the relationship, so I am working on the things I need to work on. Jerry, as mentioned above, just started therapy (also, poly friendly). Anne has been in therapy for almost 10 years (however, not with a poly friendly therapist). As far as I know, marriage counseling was taken off the table by Anne, as she feels she only needs to work on her feelings (per her words in the screenshots). - since I know many of you mentioned therapy in my OP.
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Old 06-20-2020, 05:53 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 616

Good for you for being able to walk away from these extremely dysfunctional people! Anne is a big mess. There's a reason 10 years of therapy hasn't helped her. She would never let her husband continue a relationship with you.

(I suspect she won't be able to let him date anyone, not just you. It has nothing to do with you).
Introvert, happily doing solo poly & relationship anarchy.

Elijah: Extroverted partner of 7 years. Lives almost 2 hours away from me. Yay, alone time for me!
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Old 06-20-2020, 08:13 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 18,598

Hi polywog,

Wow, Anne is just relentless, persistently telling you, "Stay away from my man," when that's what you're already doing! I don't think she's ever going to change, although I suppose she'll keep doing her back-and-forth: This week it's okay, next week it's not okay, and she won't remember ever saying it was okay. The whole thing is a dumpster fire; you are doing the right thing to stay away from it. There are plenty of other guys out there who will be free, and strong enough, to treat you right. Hold out for those guys. And for the gals who will treat you right as well. You have been on quite a ride! I'm glad it's done now.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 06-20-2020, 11:26 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,585

Thanks for the update. Sorry it went that way, but it seems inevitable. You are smart to go no contact. Good luck in the future.
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Old 06-23-2020, 11:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,777

Glad to hear from you. I think you are right to just block all contact from the both of them.

Their stuff and their problems has nothing to do with you.

You are out of it.

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