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Old 06-22-2020, 04:04 PM
bunni522 bunni522 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: CO
Posts: 18
Default Bunni's Blog - Bi and Poly Girl

Hi friends! My name is Bunni. Not irl, though I'd like it to be.

I am 26, female and bi. I am married to a male, Mr. J (yes, I do have a "Daddy" complex for him that he doesn't know too deeply of lol). Mr. J. is 28 and we have 2 daughters together, ages 2 and 5. Mr. J is straight. He is a musician.

Mr. J and I have been together for 7 years. We were high school on-and-off sweethearts.

Mr. J has long known that I am bisexual. I have never experienced being romantically or physically involved with a woman.

We settled down very early, had kids early to get it over with, we plan on no more.

WHERE IT STARTED was with a mutual friend of ours, B. She was a childhood best friend of his that he was always platonic with and became my friend about 5 years ago.

B is the type of person that needs to be with someone to feel worth living. We saw her for years engaging in different relationships where she put her everything into different toxic men.

We cared deeply about her and one day we both had this idea after she had just broken up with a guy... we would treat her way better.

It was something we both said without realizing it, and we both kind of stopped and looked at each other. The wheels started turning. We could rescue her.

Please no judgment here. We know that she is a grown woman and didn't mean it as a disrespect to her or to say she is not competent to find a partner on her own. We just felt like she needed to step away from the crowd that she was around (which is a very toxic circle of friends we distanced ourselves from for the same reason). She was already starting to go out on a couple of dates with an ex of hers that we all knew (and she admitted) was a bad guy.

We felt like if she were to spend enough time around us, we could at least get her away from him and help guide her through what healthy relationships could be.

We talked about different scenarios and logistics. Would we even be ok with each other dating someone else? The answer was a mutual yes. Would we be ok with any scenario: her date just him, date just me, date both of us. Yes.

We knew from a couple of years prior, that she already had feelings for Mr. J. She had admitted it directly to him. She had also engaged in flirting with me on-and-off over the years and we knew her already to be bi, so we thought there was potential there that if not at least with him, maybe with me. But we wanted Mr. J to try first because they already had a greater bond and history.

Mr. J had a face-to-face with her one day to talk to her about the potential of dating him. I was inside the house and they were outside. He explained how I was okay with it and he even offered for me to also join the conversation or for her to talk to me privately to confirm that we were indeed open-minded enough to allow this to happen. We didn't know yet the term for it, we didn't know what open marriage was or poly. It was just what we had worked out that we were okay with.

Long story short, she was offended. She tried to be friends with us off and on but as of now, she is not friends with Mr. J and I don't talk to her.

Beginnings of non-monogamy and considerations

We both didn't bring it up with each other for a long time, but we had uncovered a shared desire to expand our relationship.

Little by little, we would talk about it again. We initially began, just as many mistakenly do, with the notion of "adding a third".

We didn't really know at first what we meant by that. Did we just want a woman to have a threesome with? Did we want an actual relationship? To date a woman? Marry one? Move one in?

We discovered through time that we were okay with any and all forms of it. We even talked as far as we were okay with Mr. J procreating with her should she want to and us all raising kids together.

A new wave of open-mindedness that we knew we had within us but never knew how to bring out, finally was declared.

Openly queer?

So: we were open. To... something. We still did not know the term. Maybe it was an open marriage. Maybe it was polyamory. But the door was open now for something beyond the monogamous.

But I wasn't fully out yet.

Now, I had once in the past (at age 17) came out on social media as bisexual. It was not something I directly ever talked to my parents about or talked much more about publicly than that. The only people that I openly talked about it with were my two best friends. Mr. J’s friends knew only more recently, after we already declared our relationship as “open” for another female, though we mentioned it to his friends much more passively, so I think to this day they still think that we are half-joking when we bring it up.

Femme? Sexuality, gender, and identity

I always had an issue with categorizing myself. I had grown up with a rather “male” complex -- when I was 4 or 5, I told my mother I wished I had been born as a boy. She asked me why and I simply told her that I felt more like a male than a female.

I grew up as an only child and as such, I had to play make-believe a lot. I would usually pretend to be some sort of male character, hanging out with a group of male friends.

As I got older, I was more often than not a tomboy. Eventually, I started adopting more feminine interests but not until about age 11. This is around the time that popularity became important in school, I started having my first crushes on people (male and female at the time) and so I felt that I needed to adopt certain characteristics to be liked.

So I carried on, more girly than before in public, but in my personal life, I was more masculine in character.

At age 13, I started hanging out with my childhood best friend a lot more. We will call her Snow. Snow was my first real best friend that I met when I was 8. My parents and hers were close and I was often dropped off at her house very early in the morning for my parents to leave to work and I would ride with her family to school.

I grew up with her, almost as a sister, but I noticed very early (around this same age) that I had some sort of romantic feelings for her. The first time I really noticed was one morning that I saw her in a new pair of pajamas. I was in the living room waiting for her to wake up, and she came downstairs in a pajama shirt and pants and I remember looking at her and my heart fluttering and thinking to myself “oh my god, she is beautiful.” My heart pounded to no end!

At that age though, I still did not admit to myself that I liked females. I liked her, and I also liked a girl at our school named Katie, but I didn’t know yet that girls could be attracted to girls. So I assumed I just really was infatuated with them for other reasons.

Snow moved away at about 10 and went to a different school, so I didn’t see her as often. But at 13, we both started having really similar interests and we ended up getting closer. It got to a point that I spent every single day with her on the phone, often for over 3 hours at a time. We started visiting each other a lot more and eventually, it got to the point that we would hate to be apart.

I KNEW that I loved her by this point. She was my first love and I was so painfully in love with her that I couldn’t sleep many nights. All I did was think about her.

There were many times that I felt like she felt the same way about me. Many little moments that I felt like we got caught up in each other -- tickling, we would stop and stare. A brush of our hands. Her resting her head on my shoulder. So many tiny moments that felt, at the time, like they meant something. Like all was building up to a big reveal by one of us, but I think we were both too scared to admit how we felt to ourselves that we never said a word. To this day I still wonder.
--
Eventually, we started to move on from each other. We got further and further apart from each other and eventually stopped talking. I won’t get too deep into that because I can go on forever and it is a very sore spot.

So by this point, I “decided to be” straight. I took on a straight life. I became progressively more girly. I was a goth girl at heart, so I fell into more feminine goth clothing, makeup, etc. My personality became more feminine, as I was always “the girlfriend” of Mr. J, or eventually to other males. (We were on-and-off a lot).

So that’s how I became more “femme”. Falling into a “straight-life” after a “gay heartbreak”. I molded myself into what I thought I should be.

Sometimes I think about it and wonder what type of person I would be if I didn’t date males at the age that I did. If I would have allowed myself to really discover who I am, embrace my sexuality, and maybe even explore gender identity. I think I wouldn’t be the same person I am right now.

To this day, I struggle with it a lot. I did accept myself as a female. I don’t see myself as male, though I feel like maybe I could have reincarnated from a male or will reincarnate into one later (Yes, I believe in reincarnation lol). What I mean I guess is that I feel a male is "inside of me" but not dominant... Like a dormant "other side" of me. My "primary me" is female.

But it took until 17, many boyfriends and female crushes later to really admit to myself that I was indeed bi and told the world on National Pride Day through a quick Facebook status.

Sometimes I think I could be a switch. But for right now, I consider myself just femme. Though it’s not fully reflective of how I feel inside, I feel like if I were to get into a relationship with a woman right now, I would want to be in one with a more butch woman, just to not have to “take the lead”. I’m not ready for that just yet.
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Well, that is going to be it for this first post. I know it was very long and all over the place, but I guess I just wanted to spit up as much background as I could before getting into the current.
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