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Old 06-18-2020, 10:27 PM
inescarvalho inescarvalho is offline
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Hello everyone,

I hope you're all doing well.
I'm here once more looking for advice. Bear and I have been in a relationship for over 3 years now. We're very passionate, loving and supportive of each other but we have a huge problem - we don't respect each other's space. We want to be together all the time and then our identities start to merge. We do our best but we somehow always end up doing this. My personal space is very important for me, and so it is for Bear.

We've been living together for 3 months now and we're going to do so at least until the end of august. It was always meant to be a temporary situation, even though we didn't plan for it to be as long in the beginning, we just had to adjust to circumstances that we cannot control. At this point we both feel like we don't have enough space for ourselves. A friend of ours is also moving in soon for financial reasons. It's a pleasure of course, I'm super happy to be able to help someone I love. But at the same time I'm scared. This is a super small apartment and Bear and I are already going a bit crazy. We've been fighting a lot. He's blaming me for feeling stuck and dependent. I feel the same way and I'm blaming myself.

In the meantime we're also doing our best with polyamory but it's not going very well. I'm hurt and he's tired. I've disappointed him a lot with my bad reactions. I say this and then I do that, he's confused and impatient. He feels like I'm preventing him from being free and he's afraid of me. I listened.

And then yesterday Meredith asked him to be her boyfriend. I feel so jealous. And mostly sad. Seeing our relationship fall apart while he starts a new one is very tough on me and it makes me very angry. He listened.

I've been realizing that I really want to focus on myself. I think this will solve a lot of these problems. But it's so hard to do so with all this going on, plus super stressful professional life. I'm trying my best everyday to really take care of myself and I'm having so much fun spending some alone time here and there. But it's very hard to create this opportunities nowadays. I need a bit more patience I guess.

Frustrated, exhausted and under a lot of pressure.


Thank you for listening,
inÍs
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I'm 23, and new to polyamory
Bear - longterm relationship (3years)
July - metamour (6months)
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  #2  
Old 06-19-2020, 12:00 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi InÍs,

Have you read the following article? The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

It seems to me that you and Bear need more space, so that you can be yourselves. Living together is not working out well for you. Move to separate domiciles by the end of August if you possibly can. Also you said your friend is going to move in with you, is that going to be a temporary situation? I hope so and a shorter amount of time would be better than a longer amount.

You probably need to have more conversations with Bear about poly, but not right now when the two of you are driving each other nuts. Make it your priority to separate domiciles as soon as possible, and in the meantime just try to keep a low profile with each other. I'm afraid that's the best you can do for the moment.

Keep us posted as the situation evolves,
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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Old 06-19-2020, 05:19 PM
inescarvalho inescarvalho is offline
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Hello,

Thanks for the article. I'm reading it, and it's very useful because I was coming to that very conclusion.
I appreciate your feedback and I'm positive somehow.

Have a nice weekend,
InÍs
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I'm 23, and new to polyamory
Bear - longterm relationship (3years)
July - metamour (6months)
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Old 06-19-2020, 05:36 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Thanks, glad I could help.
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Old 06-19-2020, 07:39 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Quote:
Have you read the following article? The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship
I've seen this article recommended a couple of times lately - and I've read through it a couple of times. I do believe that it could prove very helpful for many traditional mono couples who are considering opening their marriage - as certainly many mono couples are deeply entangled.

For those who have not read the article - it is about "disentanglement" as a preliminary step in opening a marriage. And, the author does make some good points about how most marriages are deeply entangled (i.e., codependent) - which can make opening up a marriage that much more difficult. The author goes on to suggest that some preliminary work on disentanglement can be helpful as a precursor to opening up the marriage - and the advice seems reasonable and straight forward.

I would guess that one of the keys to Becky and I's success in opening up our marriage was that - for a number of reasons - we were probably not an entangled/codependent as many traditional mono marriages.

I would add, though, that the author's use of the term "creepy" to describe various traditional mono-marriage scenarios is unnecessary, distasteful - and really just plain offensive. Monogamy is obviously a very legitimate lifestyle choice - just as polyamory is.

Just a couple of thoughts....

Al
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Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, mid 30's
Jill: local fwb to Al99, heterosexual female, early 50's.
Sam: Becky's boyfriend, heterosexual male, 50's.
Ben: Becky's long time friend and former partner, heterosexual male, 40's


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