Mono Folks Who Are Only Open To Save A Marriage

I think there are ways that a poly relationship can save a mono relationship that otherwise wouldn't work, though. I think if you're already at the point of relationship broken, no, opening it to save it will fail utterly. But removing monogamy can mean you have, as Redpepper mentioned on a different thread, have more time to save it because your overall life is tolerable even if there are things about it you don't like.

That's shaded by my own life, of course. I am, despite complaining here a lot, 90% happy with Knight but I'd feel trapped if that 10% was forever out of reach.
 
This is a good point. Though personally "tolerating" life would not be something I'd be up for.

I'm glad you're happy most of the time. :)
 
I think there are ways that a poly relationship can save a mono relationship that otherwise wouldn't work, though. I think if you're already at the point of relationship broken, no, opening it to save it will fail utterly. But removing monogamy can mean you have, as Redpepper mentioned on a different thread, have more time to save it because your overall life is tolerable even if there are things about it you don't like.

That's shaded by my own life, of course. I am, despite complaining here a lot, 90% happy with Knight but I'd feel trapped if that 10% was forever out of reach.

Exactly. This is why I can't see this in absolutes. I had that 10% missing. I'm not sure if the marriage would have survived even though the rest was great. Poly was the perfect solution.

But if it works and everybody is happy, there is no problem. I get a sense that part of people's problem with this is they feel they are being used by a couple to fix their problems.
 
I get a sense that part of people's problem with this is they feel they are being used by a couple to fix their problems.

That's how I felt. Like I was being used as a band aid on problems in a relationship that I had nothing to do with. And there were some seriously deep issues in this marriage, and I know that if the situation hadn't ended - admittedly for reasons other than the situation, but still, I had been uncomfortable the whole time - it would have blown up in my face, because they'd have expected everything to magically be honky dory. When it turns out adding me to the picture wasn't the answer, I'm sure I would have been blamed.
 
That's how I felt. Like I was being used as a band aid on problems in a relationship that I had nothing to do with. And there were some seriously deep issues in this marriage, and I know that if the situation hadn't ended - admittedly for reasons other than the situation, but still, I had been uncomfortable the whole time - it would have blown up in my face, because they'd have expected everything to magically be honky dory. When it turns out adding me to the picture wasn't the answer, I'm sure I would have been blamed.

Blamed...or discarded. Either thing is not good.
 
Blamed...or discarded. Either thing is not good.

Exactly. It's one thing if that isn't what they are doing, but in my situation, that is exactly what it was. It was a woman in a monogamous marriage whose wife had been forced out of her job of 30 years and was feeling despondent about that, and the FWB was taking care of her. The wife was much older than the FWB, dealing with depression over her job and going through menopause and had no libido. FWB was in school, working full time, and having to cater to the wife's needs.

There were LOTS of issues in that marriage. I was the fix, because they had that crazy "til death do you part, no matter what" mindset. Breaking up/divorce wasn't even on the table.
 
The way I see it, opening to save a relationship would be a recipe for success or failure based on the couple and the type of open relationship they wished to embark on.

If two poly-minded people who felt trapped in a monogamous marriage to each other with no philosophy or words to express what they wanted, felt like they were tearing their relationship apart trying to figure it out... Maybe opening allows them to be more true to themselves. That might work. Maybe.

If two monogamous people fell out of love and wanted to experience love again with someone else, well, we see that often enough on these forums to know that doesn't work.

I further suspect that your choice of open relationship model may influence your success rate. Some relationship models like poly, solo poly and relationship anarchy, allow emotional and physical connection. Others like BDSM, kink or swinging tend to be focus more on recreational sex and less on relationshipping, with an obvious grey zone between the different relationship styles for many people. My feeling is that it may be harder for a couple to transition from mono to a non monogamy with emotional and physical connection rather than one with primarily a physical connection due to the potential for more jealousy in the one with emotions and physicality.

In summary, with very little personal experience or evidence to back up my claims, I feel that opening a monogamous marriage to save the marriage may or may not work depending on the couple themselves and also on the open marriage model they choose.

Just my thoughts. I'm still learning here. Happy if you correct me.
 
Others like BDSM, kink or swinging tend to be focus more on recreational sex and less on relationshipping,

BDSM and kink are not open relationship models. Some people do participate in both open relationships and kink/BDSM, but many people who participate in kink/BDSM are mono. Even if they visit dungeons or participate in certain kinks, while nude, with someone other than their partner. In my area, there is significant overlap between the two...it seems like a higher percentage of the poly people who are active in poly meet-ups and discussion groups, are also kinky (as compared to the general population.) But, there are a lot of vanilla poly people and a lot of kinky mono people.

Definitely adding some kink into the sex life can spice up a mono marriage...for the same reason that the communication required to open in a healthy manner can improve a failing marriage...they both increase intimacy.
 
Last edited:
BDSM and kink are not open relationship models. Some people do participate in both open relationships and kink/BDSM, but many people who participate in kink/BDSM are mono. Even if they visit dungeons or participate in certain kinks, while nude, with someone other than their partner. In my area, there is significant overlap between the two...it seems like a higher percentage of the poly people who are active in poly meet-ups and discussion groups, are also kinky (as compared to the general population.) But, there are a lot of vanilla poly people and a lot of kinky mono people.

Definitely adding some kink into the sex life can spice up a mono marriage...for the same reason that the communication required to open in a healthy manner can improve a failing marriage...they both increase intimacy.

And, while there is a certain amount of play going on, many bdsm relationships are very intimate. It takes a certain level of trust to put one's life in someone else's hands. It's not always about playing with strangers in a crowded room. In fact, that may be my least favorite activity. For those of us in the lifestyle, these relationships are very serious. It's not just a little slap and tickle between vanilla partners to spice things up. Ironically, vanilla sex is the novelty.
 
This is a good point. Though personally "tolerating" life would not be something I'd be up for.

I'm glad you're happy most of the time. :)

Haha neither am I, which is why I keep fighting to fix that last 10%. ;-) But it makes the timeframe in which I'm willing to work on things in much longer. More on the order of "hmm, this phase of our life is a bit rough but we can work towards the next one."

And thanks. :)
 
Regarding BDSM, for what it's worth, I've mentioned that the swingers and the kinksters in my community give each other a bit of the side-eye, and it is true. The BDSM people for the most part are not comfortable with casual ANYTHING. Everything is heavily invested in intimacy and depth for most of them. Not all. Especially the newbies who are wild to try it all, there are some who come just to get down and play. But in discussion groups, with mostly kinksters, mention swinging or having casual sex, and many will frown and say "nah, I'm not into that" and mention casual kink/play/scening and even more will say, "no way." And the relationships I see, whether mono or poly, in the BDSM world, are if anything more...committed, shall we say...than vanilla ones. Invested. I think a lot of that comes with the territory of the power dynamics.

**********

As far as what kids know, and don't know...I guarantee they didn't know a lot of things. They didn't know about their parents' sex problems. They didn't know that every morning I fantasized about the day I'd be away from their father, in one way or another. No one did, because I kept that shit inside of my head. Personally, I absolutely DO place my obligations ahead of my passions. And I cannot deal with adults who don't think that obligations are important if feelings are involved, and you should just throw the security and survival of your children out the window because you want more happiness than what is on your plate. Especially knowing damn well that once you jump off that cliff, you do not have any guarantee that anything, your love life included, will be better or WORSE.

My mom and dad growing up, had a bad marriage. But my mom was more passionate than I am and doesn't control her emotional outbursts, so there was all the screaming and bad behavior you'd expect of an oversized child with no self discipline. Both of my parents behaved badly and put themselves first. But after they divorced, my Mom found the first man who made her feel passionate and sexually fulfilled and all, and hey, he paid the bills. Good! But of course she had to defer to what he wanted, and please him and keep him happy, which meant all his drunk guy friends over having parties day and night and even if he sometimes got out of hand and treated her badly, it was the price of doing business. Even when one of his friends assaulted my 14 year old self...well...so sorry. Gotta keep a roof over our heads. Kids are EXPENSIVE. If you don't make much, you need help. And the state isn't much help if you can get anything from them at all. Poverty, struggle, abusive guys...all stuff we dealt with, because my parents couldn't just suck it up, act like adults, set aside their precious feelings and get the damn job done.

So when I got unexpectedly pregnant, and my hormonal insanity left me unable to contemplate any course but having a magical sparkly new baby thing to love and hug and squee over (hormones are the damn devil)...at least I realized that I did NOT come first anymore.

And my kids did have a great life. And they miss it now. And they absolutely feel betrayed that their Dad went crazy and that their happy family fell apart. If I told them, "Well I should have really done this to you sooner, I mean, the sex was not fulfilling my needs and I didn't like your Dad that much, and it would have been worth it to see you in poverty from a young age to hopefully find a fun boyfriend..."

Yeah no.

That's like quitting my office job, which I often hate, to chase my dream of being an artist, even if I end up living under a bridge. Yeah, sounds fun, but I'll pass. I like my apartment, and my cat, and eating regularly, and dreams and feelings don't pay the bills.

All I'm trying to say is, I think it's lame to call people stupid because they have other priorities than what you do. I have compassion for those who have hard choices to make in life. We only do our best with what we've got.
 
Regarding BDSM, for what it's worth, I've mentioned that the swingers and the kinksters in my community give each other a bit of the side-eye, and it is true. The BDSM people for the most part are not comfortable with casual ANYTHING. Everything is heavily invested in intimacy and depth for most of them. Not all. Especially the newbies who are wild to try it all, there are some who come just to get down and play. But in discussion groups, with mostly kinksters, mention swinging or having casual sex, and many will frown and say "nah, I'm not into that" and mention casual kink/play/scening and even more will say, "no way." And the relationships I see, whether mono or poly, in the BDSM world, are if anything more...committed, shall we say...than vanilla ones. Invested. I think a lot of that comes with the territory of the power dynamics.

**********

As far as what kids know, and don't know...I guarantee they didn't know a lot of things. They didn't know about their parents' sex problems. They didn't know that every morning I fantasized about the day I'd be away from their father, in one way or another. No one did, because I kept that shit inside of my head. Personally, I absolutely DO place my obligations ahead of my passions. And I cannot deal with adults who don't think that obligations are important if feelings are involved, and you should just throw the security and survival of your children out the window because you want more happiness than what is on your plate. Especially knowing damn well that once you jump off that cliff, you do not have any guarantee that anything, your love life included, will be better or WORSE.

My mom and dad growing up, had a bad marriage. But my mom was more passionate than I am and doesn't control her emotional outbursts, so there was all the screaming and bad behavior you'd expect of an oversized child with no self discipline. Both of my parents behaved badly and put themselves first. But after they divorced, my Mom found the first man who made her feel passionate and sexually fulfilled and all, and hey, he paid the bills. Good! But of course she had to defer to what he wanted, and please him and keep him happy, which meant all his drunk guy friends over having parties day and night and even if he sometimes got out of hand and treated her badly, it was the price of doing business. Even when one of his friends assaulted my 14 year old self...well...so sorry. Gotta keep a roof over our heads. Kids are EXPENSIVE. If you don't make much, you need help. And the state isn't much help if you can get anything from them at all. Poverty, struggle, abusive guys...all stuff we dealt with, because my parents couldn't just suck it up, act like adults, set aside their precious feelings and get the damn job done.

So when I got unexpectedly pregnant, and my hormonal insanity left me unable to contemplate any course but having a magical sparkly new baby thing to love and hug and squee over (hormones are the damn devil)...at least I realized that I did NOT come first anymore.

And my kids did have a great life. And they miss it now. And they absolutely feel betrayed that their Dad went crazy and that their happy family fell apart. If I told them, "Well I should have really done this to you sooner, I mean, the sex was not fulfilling my needs and I didn't like your Dad that much, and it would have been worth it to see you in poverty from a young age to hopefully find a fun boyfriend..."

Yeah no.

That's like quitting my office job, which I often hate, to chase my dream of being an artist, even if I end up living under a bridge. Yeah, sounds fun, but I'll pass. I like my apartment, and my cat, and eating regularly, and dreams and feelings don't pay the bills.

All I'm trying to say is, I think it's lame to call people stupid because they have other priorities than what you do. I have compassion for those who have hard choices to make in life. We only do our best with what we've got.

Listen, we all have to do what we feel is best in our lives. I don't know what your kids do and don't know. All I was saying is that kids often do not tell their parents everything, and they are pretty perceptive about people's feelings without the parents uttering one word. I know I was. That was all I was saying.

I'm Childfree for a reason. I am much more like your mother - I do what I want. I dropped outta college to galavant around the nation being an activist and "finding myself" for a few years, but then realized that I liked nice things, so I got a computer science degree and good jobs, and finally landed in the career I am in now. I'm going back in August to get another degree. I realize that kids are expensive. It's a big reason I don't want them. Also, I think, at this point in time with 7 billion + people on the planet, with kids all over the world starving, broken foster care systems full of unwanted kids - well, indiscriminate spawning, especially by folks who cannot afford kids but have them anyway is the height of irresponsibility. It's a drain on an already overtaxed system. The easiest way to reduce a person's carbon footprint is not to breed. Plus, I simply like my freedom. Every time I hear a story like yours, parenting sounds like it's more of a prison than anything, and it further cements my decision to be Childfree. But, I digress. I don't understand the "maternal instinct" thing. I'm tokophobic, and the idea of being pregnant literally terrifies me.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I know it's not easy. And for me, the "stupid" remark wasn't about priorities. We all make mistakes. It's about the whole "the very definition of madness is continuing the same thing and expecting different results."

There's just no logic in that IMO. Perhaps stupid was a bad word to use, but the choices I mentioned in my first post simply aren't smart ones IMO, even though perhaps people feel as if they are often the only choices.
 
Haha neither am I, which is why I keep fighting to fix that last 10%. ;-) But it makes the timeframe in which I'm willing to work on things in much longer. More on the order of "hmm, this phase of our life is a bit rough but we can work towards the next one."

And thanks. :)

YW! :) I'm glad you're working towards your happiness. You only live once!
 
Thank you, PurpleSun. I only truly objected to what seemed like a judgment against people who are, after all, just doing the best they can.

I completely understand and very much AGREE with your desire to be childfree. I did not want to be a mother or a wife. My partner and I were using protection, and it failed. The thing is though, at that point, hormones picked up the ball and ran with it. It's seriously like a form of insanity. My typical, rational, logical self became all big-eyes and squee over the baby in my belly, which is nature's way of tricking someone like me into reproducing, I think.

And yes, it absolutely has felt like a prison sentence, and so did my marriage.

But I was not so much expecting different results, or hoping my marriage might magically transform one day into something I wanted...I was more just playing the hand I was dealt with as much grace and control as I could find.

I don't think you are entirely like my Mom, except insofar as an admitted preference to the freedom to act on impulse. My mom was young and pregnant once, too, and tried to make it work with my Dad longer than she probably should have, given the cheating, screaming, depression, and hell they put one another through. But my point with her situation is that what lies AFTER a breakup like that is not guaranteed to necessarily be happier. Many men won't want a woman trailing another dude's kids, and of those who do, some will be bad people, or the woman herself may have personality traits that cause problems in relationships or "bad script" of choosing abusive partners. I see many people advising the unhappily married to divorce as though happiness in the green grass on the other side of that fence is certain. It isn't. And lukewarm can be better than a possible worse situation...my ex husband, say 8 years ago or something, was still a better partner to have in my life than many that I might have wound up with alternately. Or struggling to survive with none at all and small kids.

Daycare for my two sons when they were little, was more than my rent. I recall getting a "bargain" at $300/week. And that is only childcare, not the rest of the cost of kids. But those of us who have them even if we aren't rich and can't afford them on our own...we aren't sitting down with spreadsheets and graphs to decide whether to have a baby, abort, or put it up for adoption. We are mad about the little life inside to the point where we would absolutely die horribly rather than see the slightest harm come to it. Again...nature. Hormones are a ruthless bitch.

But hey. I have almost made it. Only 3 years left on my sentence, with my youngest. And yeah...even though I so love my sons and I'm proud of them and I think they are mostly great kids, I still feel that a lot of my free will was taken out of my hands at too young an age. But hey. Life. We can only do our best.
 
I respectfully disagree if only to say that I would never tell anyone that doing so is stupid, because I think they probably have reasons that seem valid to them. Maybe in hindsight they will regret the choice, maybe not.

But again, my own experience colors my thinking. I was with my ex for 18 years. I was not happy, nor was our relationship healthy, after I'd say...some point year 1 or 2. But nor was it screaming and throwing shit bad. It sucked in a cold, usually passive aggressive way, but with a happy facade for family and kids. I kept all "adult conversations" away from our children. It was hard work, and no it was not fun.

But it was worth it. I will never, ever say it wasn't. I do not wish that we'd split up when it first went sour for us. Because at least my kids had some happy years. After we broke up, several things have come to pass that I expected. We are both struggling financially. He is a broken man in a wretched state of depression. Our kids suffer for not having two loving parents involved properly with them. The ONLY part that is really better (compared to, shall we say, the "lukewarm years") is my love/sex life. And while that is amazing, and I am grateful to have the chance to have a fulfilling love and sex life, my kids were and are more important.

We only broke up because he had a major life crisis and "lukewarm but ok" became "hostage situation at home." He snapped, after he got out of the Army.

I do get annoyed at people saying that a marriage should not be worked on or kept together for the kids (though having a baby into a troubled marriage IS a bad idea)...people have to live their lives as they see fit. If they think that the right thing to do, is to set aside their own needs for their kids, and they can make that work, I respect that. And the reality is, there is NO guarantee that greater happiness lies on the other side of a divorce. NONE. And once you burn that bridge, you are not going back.

My ex was a pain in the ass on a good day. I was not passionate for him, nor in love with him. Ever. But I often miss having a partner, who was as invested in our shared situation as I was, who had my back. I miss having a good name and good credit. I miss knowing that I would be able to give my kids Christmas presents. I miss knowing that if one of us lost a job, the other could probably keep disaster at bay until they found a new one. There is no help for me, no safety net, no family to fall back on, no loans I could take, no resources or assistance for which I qualify. That was never my situation when I was married.

I am ass over teakettle in love with Zen. I adore him. I don't know that I have ever loved one single human being with such intensity and passion. But I would (with sadness but certainty) trade it if I could, to erase the years of madness and keep the "lukewarm" thing going until my kids were grown. You bet your ass I would.

Thank you for this. I sometimes lurk, but wanted to say thank you. I appreciate your perspective.
 
Thank you for this. I sometimes lurk, but wanted to say thank you. I appreciate your perspective.

I appreciate, that you appreciate, my perspective... :D

But as it happens sometimes when I go back and forth with someone, the thread has begun to drift.

The only marriages I have ever seen, that were not very happy but got better, even "saved", by opening, were the ones where both partners wanted it, both of them were able to freely date outside of the marriage (NOT unicorn hunting for a third) AND both of them were attractive enough prospects in an active enough dating pool, that they were able to find other partners.

Introduce a conflict in any of those areas, and it can crash the whole thing.

I don't know about swinging. I don't know many swingers that have unhappy marriages. Most of the couple swingers I've known seemed pretty happy to begin with, and were just adventurous souls who wanted to get out and play. But then...despite the fact that my club has a swinger night once a month, I'm on the BDSM side of things, so I don't really hang out with them.

And I've already said that I have known a few married couples where kink really did revive their marriage from its deathbed. But I wonder if that has more to do with the exploration of the inner self and expression of desires and vulnerability, as opposed to the activities themselves.

For what its worth, I never had a desire to do kink things in my doomed marriage. I just did not trust him emotionally enough to let down the walls and go there with him. I have, with ease, done scenes with complete strangers, and there was not a chance in hell I would have done with him, even when times were relatively good for us.
 
Thank you, PurpleSun. I only truly objected to what seemed like a judgment against people who are, after all, just doing the best they can.

I completely understand and very much AGREE with your desire to be childfree. I did not want to be a mother or a wife. My partner and I were using protection, and it failed. The thing is though, at that point, hormones picked up the ball and ran with it. It's seriously like a form of insanity. My typical, rational, logical self became all big-eyes and squee over the baby in my belly, which is nature's way of tricking someone like me into reproducing, I think.

And yes, it absolutely has felt like a prison sentence, and so did my marriage.

But I was not so much expecting different results, or hoping my marriage might magically transform one day into something I wanted...I was more just playing the hand I was dealt with as much grace and control as I could find.

I don't think you are entirely like my Mom, except insofar as an admitted preference to the freedom to act on impulse. My mom was young and pregnant once, too, and tried to make it work with my Dad longer than she probably should have, given the cheating, screaming, depression, and hell they put one another through. But my point with her situation is that what lies AFTER a breakup like that is not guaranteed to necessarily be happier. Many men won't want a woman trailing another dude's kids, and of those who do, some will be bad people, or the woman herself may have personality traits that cause problems in relationships or "bad script" of choosing abusive partners. I see many people advising the unhappily married to divorce as though happiness in the green grass on the other side of that fence is certain. It isn't. And lukewarm can be better than a possible worse situation...my ex husband, say 8 years ago or something, was still a better partner to have in my life than many that I might have wound up with alternately. Or struggling to survive with none at all and small kids.

Daycare for my two sons when they were little, was more than my rent. I recall getting a "bargain" at $300/week. And that is only childcare, not the rest of the cost of kids. But those of us who have them even if we aren't rich and can't afford them on our own...we aren't sitting down with spreadsheets and graphs to decide whether to have a baby, abort, or put it up for adoption. We are mad about the little life inside to the point where we would absolutely die horribly rather than see the slightest harm come to it. Again...nature. Hormones are a ruthless bitch.

But hey. I have almost made it. Only 3 years left on my sentence, with my youngest. And yeah...even though I so love my sons and I'm proud of them and I think they are mostly great kids, I still feel that a lot of my free will was taken out of my hands at too young an age. But hey. Life. We can only do our best.

Your last line re: doing our best is so true. We all make mistakes. Sometimes they are life changing in ways that we cannot predict, and once they happen - things like marriage and children - they are not easily taken back.

I've heard that the maternal instinct thing when pregnant can make one crazy, and throw all logic away. I hate that, it seems so cruel. Couple that with the anti-abortion brigade making would be mothers feel guilty for even THINKING of abortion as an option, and I understand why so many people wind up having kids when they didn't mean to.

It's a complicated thing. I know you love your kids. I actually was reading on a confessions of miserable parents site, something I found on a CF board, and it was crazy how many people hated their lives because they had kids. They didn't hate or blame the kids themselves, just the shitty hand parenting dealt them. So, I totally feel horrible for anyone who finds themselves in such a horrible situation.

Now, I understand, Spork, why so many of your posts seem so sad on here...wish there were a way out. 3 years and you'll be 41. Do yourself a favor, and make a bucket list of things you want/need to do, and really prep your kids to be able to make it and not need to come back home in the meantime. You still have some good life left, and you deserve to live it.

And you're welcome. Nah, I'd never judge folks. Not my place unless they are truly hurting others/society at large. I just hate the idea of so many folks being trapped in lives they hate with no way out. We only live once. Seems to me...such a terrible waste.

That's also the beauty of being poly to me. We don't put limits on love, and we are free to (within the bounds of whatever relationship(s) we are in) to explore life and not feel trapped. The best part is not feeling shame in relationships failing, and understanding that if they fail, it's okay to part ways. That's always been the biggest turn off about monogamy to me. The insanity of "til death do us part (even if we hate each other)." That's a recipe for misery IMO. Anyway, I'm rambling now. Think about that bucket list. :)

EDIT: Re:being like your mom - that's what I meant. I'm a pretty orderly person these days, but I certainly do what I want - in ways people with more responsibilities never could.
 
Last edited:
Argument could be made that "Marriage in trouble, add one person" played a role in my transition from mono to poly. And as far as I can tell, it has worked out for me and both of my now-poly companions. And I didn't mind being a band-aid for their marriage; I was glad to be of help. But then I also know that they never considered me disposable, so maybe that helped.
 
Hmm I have three examples. Take what you will from them. I am not any measure of successful relationshipping simply because I have a lot to learn about what healthy relationships look like and how to build those:


From the perspective of "broken relationship add another" mono couple.

I was in a *sort of* mono pairing with my ex husband at 18/19 yr old. HOWEVER he knew I was bi before I acknowledged it, and that I was indeed in love with my high school sweetheart. (I've spoken a bit about this in previous blog.)

That was a disaster for all, we were all immature, no idea what poly was, or what to do, and had very little experience in relationshipping at all at that point. Plus I was pregnant and the relationship with husband was going towards abusive.

Example 2, being part of what I thought was an "already poly" relationship and finding out it was open on ONE side only, but had never been test tried on the male finding a partner...I was that guinea pig.

This was Trip and P, it did not work out, she was very jealous and competitive and down right rude towards me, he ended up cheating on both me and her. I said, wow unhealthy dynamic I am getting out of dodge. That was Dec 2015- lasting around 6-8 months in total.

I don't have much to say on that one, because I didn't know I was helping open the relationship as I was previously led to believe that they had been actively poly for 5 years prior to me, as she had had a few lovers of her own...but they had been only poly on HER side, and theory on his...!


Newest experience:
As of 1st of May 2017:
This one is currently unravelling. As far as I'm aware this is a Healthy couple, and DID NOT open because of me, they opened before meeting me, doing long term swinging with other couples. However they got sick of it being only sex and casual. Now the wife has a casual BF/FWB. I also have a casual BF/FWB with the husband..that may or may not lead to more.

This is their first attempt at doing something more than swinging and finding people who seem to be sticking and fitting in with social groups etc. They already know about unicorn hunting and the failures of searching for such a narrow thing...and poly/open/swinging ideals and have read some literature. So...we're all just taking baby steps.

I'm interested to see what others have to say too.

As far as bad experiences go, yup I've had them but I have not warned off couples entirely, I am just aware these things cannot be rushed or forced in any form, regardless of how many people. I think its been said in the forum before somewhere, we have relationships with individual people, not configurations...
 
Last edited:
Back
Top