Poly518
You already know the answer to your question by your own experience. This notion that it is equal for men in poly in nonsense and you know it. Even the literature discusses how women usually have much more opportunity for relationships. The number of partners is NOT important. You are not in a race, but what you are experiencing is NOT unusual at all.
When your wife meets men anywhere, she can tell them in the first sentence she is married but can date, and 95% of the men will think that is great, the possibility of no strings sex with a married woman. if you are truthful and tell women the exact same thing as soon as you meet them, 90% of them will run away as fast as they can.
The general advice most of the credible books give is you two should move at the pace of the slower partner. Your wife can go on ANY WEBSITE FROM ASHLEY MADISON TO AFF OR ANYWHERE AND SHE IS GOING TO HAVE AS YOU HAVE SEEN infinitely more "hits" and opportunities.
Part of accepting non monogamy is accepting that you cannot change this gender dynamic and the reality. Does not mean it can't work if you two communicate and she does not trample you with her other men while you struggle.
Now I am sure some will tgell you that regardless if you are being successful or not that you should just bne so happy for her happiness that itr does not matter. Well, the facxt that you are posting here means that you are finding that a little difficult.
So talk to her and make sure she knows what is bothering you and why. Maybe she will help with consideration of your feelings.
Hope it works out for you.
If what you're looking for is no strings sex, then I agree with this. There do seem to be more men interested in that kind of thing, even if they haven't previously identified as non-monogamous. If you're looking for a relationship with romance and emotions as well as sex, then actually, the ratio shifts. Then, it can be very hard to find male partners who also want that, especially with the extra baggage that comes with dating someone with existing partnerships. Many of those single NSA guys are emphatically NOT willing to share a partner sexually with other men or women once they develop feelings for them. And to me, that reveals an interesting part of their psychology. That's another part of why I won't date a single mono guy - because I think they see me as a piece of meat - a filler until they find the right kind of girl that wouldn't dream of allowing herself to be shared. Those guys are often happy to fuck another man's wife, and feel good and macho about it, but if you were to be THEIR wife? Hell no.
You'll find lots of women and bi/gay men who rub up against this issue on this forum. People searching for non-sexual connections with guys, and failing. So that tells me that the picture you paint is far too simplistic. And it also has little to do with poly. There are men all over the internet complaining about how hard it is to find women who want to have sex with them (I'm looking at those repugnant MRA types, men who feel like they have the right to sex up anyone, men that don't realise that the values they are projecting are the ultimate turn off to a woman and that THAT is 90% of the reason they aren't getting laid), even when they are single and ostensibly believe they are in a position to offer a lot in a relationship. Whilst a lot of women are genuinely interested in sex for sex's sake, a great many more are not. (There would probably be more women into sex if not for the feeling like a piece of meat thing - just my speculation - because I can't fathom how anyone could dislike good sex between responsibly minded equals as a past-time.)
The flip-side of all this is that I do also see that there are many poly men who also want a lot more from a relationship than just sex, and that, ironically, those are the same poly men who are having an awful lot of good sex. The ones who go into poly expecting it to be a no strings free-for-all leave disappointed. The ones who aren't particularly motivated by getting their rocks off, and instead want to just reach out and make connections with people they like in a respectful manner, end up getting their rocks off.
OP, I guess what I'm trying to say is 'success' and 'poly working out' varies a great deal depending upon the individual and their wants and perspective. Your wife might well be burning through dates, finding men willing to wine her and dine her and get into her pants, but that doesn't mean she's having any more luck in finding the right people than you are. From experience, it's easy to get caught up in the attention and feeling flattered, but after a while of one short lived affair after another, it can get a bit dull and depressing. Maybe your wife is not at that point yet, but I have a suspicion that one day she might be. It's alright to be envious of her, but I'd try to steer clear of making sweeping generalisations about 'women get it easy' or 'men find it tough'. My live in partner is also a woman, and she gets way more attention and offers of dates and sex than I do. Occasionally that's made me feel envious and anxious about my own desirability, but that at least demonstrates that it's not necessarily something that rests on primarily on gender. As a HUMAN, it can be tough finding people to make a decent connection with. Being in an open relationship gives you the freedom to make connections if the opportunity arises; it doesn't give you the right to have extra connections. As I said in my previous post, I think part of finding peace with that is to focus on nurturing yourself instead of actively looking for others. Over-thinking, dwelling on the imbalance and turning it into a perceived injustice in your mind, is not the way.
As for 'go at the pace of the slowest party', that advice is good for some things but not others. In this case, I don't hear you so much having difficulties with your wife seeing others as much as you feel sadness and envy that you don't have something similar going on yourself. That's a normal feeling to feel. I don't think you have an obligation to experience compersion for your partner's happiness, especially when you're feeling down. But I also don't think you have the right to ask her to slow down or not make those connections. Do talk to her about your feelings though; it's not good to bottle them up. I've had to say to my partner several times over the last year or so something along the lines of 'I'm happy for you on one level, I want you to have connections, but I can't help but feel a bit sorry for myself right now as I have no one. Can we do something nice, just us, because doing that makes us both feel good and I need some cheering up right now.' To me, having that kind of support from my partner, being able to talk to her about that without her feeling guilty or responsible or like curbing her own life, that makes me feel great.