Does polyamory work for men?

poly518

New member
Just curious if other men out there have had any luck or stuck in a rut like myself. I've been looking for over a year now and still have no one to talk to or hang out with. The wife, on the other hand, has hundreds of men and women to pick from. I could see if there was something wrong with me but I am attractive, mid 30's, nice body, intelligent, have a professional career, good hygiene, funny, and have lots to talk about. (not trying to brag, just providing background information).

What about you other men? Any better experience than me? Where do you find woman? I've been looking mostly online on various websites. Any tips? Should I just give up since this isn't any fun?
 
Every few months someone comes here with the same question. Usually men but sometimes women.

Seems men often have trouble finding women who don't think they're just players, and women have trouble finding men who, well, aren't just players...

But yes, they exist, and seem to be in pretty equal proportion in the lifestyle.
 
My husband also had zero luck online. He gave up on it pretty quickly. Finding women in "real life" is much less frustrating for him. One of the ladies in his life right now is a woman he's been friends with for 20+ years, the other is a former co-worker.

Is meeting women off-line something you've tried? Poly-friendly meet-ups, activity groups, friends of friends?

The only guy I know who's had success online is my boyfriend... And no I don't just mean that he met me ;) He was online for maybe two years before we started dating, and he met half a dozen great women in that time. I'll ask him if he'll share his secrets :)
 
It works for me. It worked much better once I started looking in the right places. OKC worked well, though that well may have dried up. FL is working well for me now. I also just joined a local poly group that has tons of events. Should be interesting.
 
Real doesn't have any problems. His approach is very relational though. He'd rather go months with out dating than do the casual sex thing. He's very clear about that so he draws like minded people. He also looks more at shared interests as opposed to complementing more superficial stuff. Like if a potential date mentions movie or reading or gaming likes. He asks a specific question about a particular one to get an actual conversation going.
 
I've been looking for over a year now and still have no one to talk to or hang out with.

What about your wife? She doesn't talk to you? What about friends you already have in your life? Just because you haven't met another woman for a romantic poly relationship shouldn't mean you don't have anyone to talk to or hang out with. A lot of people have good luck meeting potential lovers through friendships and activities. If you cultivate a healthy social life with varied interests, you'll probably meet someone. If you're looking to meet a woman just because you're wife has another partner, that won't be attractive to very many women out there. It isn't a competition, you know? Be well-rounded and engaged in life and you will draw people to you.
 
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Clearly it does work well for some men; after all, who are these male-bodied people all these poly women are dating? I know people say it's harder for married men, but honestly I don't see why that should inevitably be the case. I know first hand that not every woman is looking for a life-partnership or is threatened by a pre-existing marriage type relationship. I tend to only date men who are already partnered - as demonstrable evidence of the ability to maintain a long-term relationship is a bonus in my eyes, and I already have my own commitments to the other people in my life.

The only thing I can think of is that you are looking to date single monogamous women, because there I do think there is some kind of gender difference. Men, on average, tend to be open to open relationships even if they are coming from a starting point of monogamy far more often than women are. My advice to you would be to focus only on women already in open relationships, or else as others have suggested, just focus on developing genuine friendships with women. There is very little chance that a random girl in a bar/club/online dating site is going to consider poly a fantastic opportunity when presented from a stranger. Yet someone who knows you and likes you and trusts you (and maybe knows your wife and sees how things work well between you both) might be more open to something developing. Successful poly men I know do tend to have a lot of platonic friendships with women, tend to have good social and dating skills, practise everyday feminism, and have interesting hobbies and things going on outside their life other than work or family.

I think for many people who have been married or partnered a long time, it can be easy to drop all your individual passions by the wayside as you get stuck into a routine of career-progression/parenting/cohabitation. Think back to the kind of guy you were when you met your current partner. What did you have going on in your life? What were the interesting things you were doing, or hoping to do? I think rediscovering that part of you would, at the very least, give you something fun to concentrate on while your wife is dating others, but also help to energise you and make you more attractive to prospective partners. My rule of thumb for dating: you should always be putting more energy into your own self than into your quest to find others to share yourself with. If you are offering yourself as a gift to others, make sure it's the best gift it can be.
 
OKC worked well, though that well may have dried up.

OKC is a great resource for poly people with fresh members every day. Highly recommended! Just be sure that your profile is attractive in every way and if that means you're trying to attract women, have a friendly, not-short written section and have photos that say "friendly" in a big way. No bathroom shirtless selfies! Yes, women want to see the goods, but most would rather find out in person and the bathroom selfies scream "lookin for sex."

Like tenK, when I was on OKC I looked specifically for men who were long term partnered. This shows a certain ability to maintain relationships, which is highly desirable to most women. There are quite a few women here on this forum with OKC experience and some men have shown us their profiles for advice and critique. We're a treasure trove of help if you're serious about online dating. We'd point things out to you and suggest changes that will make a world of difference in how you're presenting yourself. So many men (and women) think of themselves as wonderful in every way, yet are surprised to learn that how they are coming off in their dating profile is not how they intend. Use your resources!
 
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I've had some luck online (OKC), but it's not easy. One of the women I had a date with lamented she found lots of guys, but not so many who were actually poly (most just looking for sex), so it does work both ways. OKC is good because you can be clear about your marital/monogamy status, and most poly people add more details about what they're looking for; plus, they are in a relationship or value multiple relationships, which is a totally different mindset than looking for a monogamous relationship. Though even those poly people (my current GF and I both) struggle to accept the poly lifestyle because a monogamous one is so dominant and has some nice attributes to it.

I love all the other comments in this thread for both men and women. TenK sums it up well:

"Successful poly men I know do tend to have a lot of platonic friendships with women, tend to have good social and dating skills, practice everyday feminism, and have interesting hobbies and things going on outside their life other than work or family. "

I know my GF really appreciates that I have other friends (men and women) to rely on to talk about relationships and other things happening in my life. Without that the primary (or secondary) love relationship suffers from a bit from having to carry more of the relationship musing burden (and there's a lot of that in poly relationships, as we all know).
 
If you're looking to meet a woman just because you're wife has another partner, that won't be attractive to very many women out there.

This.

If you're lonely, look for friendship, male or female. That's how you fill the void of needing someone to talk to and hang with. Join meetups for some of your interests, as many as you can find in your area. Fill your time with hobbies and no-expectation social engagements.

People can smell desperation and it stinks. I have never ever found romance while I was specifically looking for it. It was always when I was busy with my life, doing my own thing, that romance just magically fell in my lap. It's the same with virtually everyone I know who's in a happy relationship.

Nobody wants to be used to fill a void. They want relationships with people who are already happy, healthy, and whole. If you focus on that -- sincerely and not just a means to an end -- you'll genuinely stop caring if you meet someone, because you're happy in and of yourself. Only then do you have a chance of meeting someone worthwhile, but then it's just icing on the cake.
 
OKC is a great resource for poly people with fresh members every day. Highly recommended! Just be sure that your profile is attractive in every way and if that means you're trying to attract women, have a friendly, not-short written section and have photos that say "friendly" in a big way. No bathroom shirtless selfies! Yes, women want to see the goods, but most would rather find out in person and the bathroom selfies scream "lookin for sex."

Like tenK, when I was on OKC I looked specifically for men who were long term partnered. This shows a certain ability to maintain relationships, which is highly desirable to most women. There are quite a few women here on this forum with OKC experience and some men have shown us their profiles for advice and critique. We're a treasure trove of help if you're serious about online dating. We'd point things out to you and suggest changes that will make a world of difference in how you're presenting yourself. So many men (and women) think of themselves as wonderful in every way, yet are surprised to learn that how they are coming off in their dating profile is not how they intend. Use your resources!

I didn't mean anything against OKC in general. I meant for me. My focus is a little more narrow than it should be. Couple that with being a smoker and my prospects go way down.
 
Hi poly518,

I am in an MFM V, so I only have one partner even though I'm part of a poly arrangement. I don't think I'll find any more partners, but that thought doesn't bother me.

Of the two times in my life when I've found a partner, it was offline and I just got to know the lady as a friend. Romance came unexpectedly a ways down the line.

OKC seems to be a mixed bag. Works great for some, not for others. At least that's my experience and observation.

Don't know if that helps but that's what I can tell you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would say poly works for men, the woman on this forum prove it with their partner's.
I really am not actively looking for dating partners right now, so i don't have any great advice on where to find them.
I can tell you my FWB, and my new FB were both good friends before anything else happened. There may be something to the making friend's first approach to meeting partner's. Just be sure not to friend zone yourself if you don't know to get out of it.
 
Poly518

You already know the answer to your question by your own experience. This notion that it is equal for men in poly in nonsense and you know it. Even the literature discusses how women usually have much more opportunity for relationships. The number of partners is NOT important. You are not in a race, but what you are experiencing is NOT unusual at all.

When your wife meets men anywhere, she can tell them in the first sentence she is married but can date, and 95% of the men will think that is great, the possibility of no strings sex with a married woman. if you are truthful and tell women the exact same thing as soon as you meet them, 90% of them will run away as fast as they can.

The general advice most of the credible books give is you two should move at the pace of the slower partner. Your wife can go on ANY WEBSITE FROM ASHLEY MADISON TO AFF OR ANYWHERE AND SHE IS GOING TO HAVE AS YOU HAVE SEEN infinitely more "hits" and opportunities.

Part of accepting non monogamy is accepting that you cannot change this gender dynamic and the reality. Does not mean it can't work if you two communicate and she does not trample you with her other men while you struggle.

Now I am sure some will tgell you that regardless if you are being successful or not that you should just bne so happy for her happiness that itr does not matter. Well, the facxt that you are posting here means that you are finding that a little difficult.

So talk to her and make sure she knows what is bothering you and why. Maybe she will help with consideration of your feelings.

Hope it works out for you.
 
Women may get more hits than men in the poly world. But the quality of the hits is about the same. I personally have no interest in NSA sex or FB type relationships. Good quality relationships are harder to find.
 
Poly518

You already know the answer to your question by your own experience. This notion that it is equal for men in poly in nonsense and you know it. Even the literature discusses how women usually have much more opportunity for relationships. The number of partners is NOT important. You are not in a race, but what you are experiencing is NOT unusual at all.

When your wife meets men anywhere, she can tell them in the first sentence she is married but can date, and 95% of the men will think that is great, the possibility of no strings sex with a married woman. if you are truthful and tell women the exact same thing as soon as you meet them, 90% of them will run away as fast as they can.

The general advice most of the credible books give is you two should move at the pace of the slower partner. Your wife can go on ANY WEBSITE FROM ASHLEY MADISON TO AFF OR ANYWHERE AND SHE IS GOING TO HAVE AS YOU HAVE SEEN infinitely more "hits" and opportunities.

Part of accepting non monogamy is accepting that you cannot change this gender dynamic and the reality. Does not mean it can't work if you two communicate and she does not trample you with her other men while you struggle.

Now I am sure some will tgell you that regardless if you are being successful or not that you should just bne so happy for her happiness that itr does not matter. Well, the facxt that you are posting here means that you are finding that a little difficult.

So talk to her and make sure she knows what is bothering you and why. Maybe she will help with consideration of your feelings.

Hope it works out for you.

If what you're looking for is no strings sex, then I agree with this. There do seem to be more men interested in that kind of thing, even if they haven't previously identified as non-monogamous. If you're looking for a relationship with romance and emotions as well as sex, then actually, the ratio shifts. Then, it can be very hard to find male partners who also want that, especially with the extra baggage that comes with dating someone with existing partnerships. Many of those single NSA guys are emphatically NOT willing to share a partner sexually with other men or women once they develop feelings for them. And to me, that reveals an interesting part of their psychology. That's another part of why I won't date a single mono guy - because I think they see me as a piece of meat - a filler until they find the right kind of girl that wouldn't dream of allowing herself to be shared. Those guys are often happy to fuck another man's wife, and feel good and macho about it, but if you were to be THEIR wife? Hell no.

You'll find lots of women and bi/gay men who rub up against this issue on this forum. People searching for non-sexual connections with guys, and failing. So that tells me that the picture you paint is far too simplistic. And it also has little to do with poly. There are men all over the internet complaining about how hard it is to find women who want to have sex with them (I'm looking at those repugnant MRA types, men who feel like they have the right to sex up anyone, men that don't realise that the values they are projecting are the ultimate turn off to a woman and that THAT is 90% of the reason they aren't getting laid), even when they are single and ostensibly believe they are in a position to offer a lot in a relationship. Whilst a lot of women are genuinely interested in sex for sex's sake, a great many more are not. (There would probably be more women into sex if not for the feeling like a piece of meat thing - just my speculation - because I can't fathom how anyone could dislike good sex between responsibly minded equals as a past-time.)

The flip-side of all this is that I do also see that there are many poly men who also want a lot more from a relationship than just sex, and that, ironically, those are the same poly men who are having an awful lot of good sex. The ones who go into poly expecting it to be a no strings free-for-all leave disappointed. The ones who aren't particularly motivated by getting their rocks off, and instead want to just reach out and make connections with people they like in a respectful manner, end up getting their rocks off. :D

OP, I guess what I'm trying to say is 'success' and 'poly working out' varies a great deal depending upon the individual and their wants and perspective. Your wife might well be burning through dates, finding men willing to wine her and dine her and get into her pants, but that doesn't mean she's having any more luck in finding the right people than you are. From experience, it's easy to get caught up in the attention and feeling flattered, but after a while of one short lived affair after another, it can get a bit dull and depressing. Maybe your wife is not at that point yet, but I have a suspicion that one day she might be. It's alright to be envious of her, but I'd try to steer clear of making sweeping generalisations about 'women get it easy' or 'men find it tough'. My live in partner is also a woman, and she gets way more attention and offers of dates and sex than I do. Occasionally that's made me feel envious and anxious about my own desirability, but that at least demonstrates that it's not necessarily something that rests on primarily on gender. As a HUMAN, it can be tough finding people to make a decent connection with. Being in an open relationship gives you the freedom to make connections if the opportunity arises; it doesn't give you the right to have extra connections. As I said in my previous post, I think part of finding peace with that is to focus on nurturing yourself instead of actively looking for others. Over-thinking, dwelling on the imbalance and turning it into a perceived injustice in your mind, is not the way.

As for 'go at the pace of the slowest party', that advice is good for some things but not others. In this case, I don't hear you so much having difficulties with your wife seeing others as much as you feel sadness and envy that you don't have something similar going on yourself. That's a normal feeling to feel. I don't think you have an obligation to experience compersion for your partner's happiness, especially when you're feeling down. But I also don't think you have the right to ask her to slow down or not make those connections. Do talk to her about your feelings though; it's not good to bottle them up. I've had to say to my partner several times over the last year or so something along the lines of 'I'm happy for you on one level, I want you to have connections, but I can't help but feel a bit sorry for myself right now as I have no one. Can we do something nice, just us, because doing that makes us both feel good and I need some cheering up right now.' To me, having that kind of support from my partner, being able to talk to her about that without her feeling guilty or responsible or like curbing her own life, that makes me feel great.
 
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You can't always generalize about something like this, either. Woody seems to have a lot of success at connecting with women on OKC, judging from what he's told me. Not all of them end up being people he dates, but a lot of them end up being at least friends. And since last spring, Woody says he hasn't initiated any contact at all; he's only responded to people's messages.

Meanwhile, I barely get any contact at all on OKC or AFF. On the rare occasions when someone's profile appeals to me enough for me to initiate contact, I almost never get a response. In the past month, I think I've gotten messages from four people on OKC (two of which were just along the lines of "Hi, wanna meet" and the other two of which I didn't bother responding to for other reasons) and three on AFF (none of which were anything other than "Hi, wanna meet").

So while it might be true that in general, it's easier for women to find guys online than for guys to find women, in my personal experience it's the opposite. I receive very little communication, and what I do receive is usually not anything I'm interested in wasting the time answering, because the senders don't appear to be anyone I'd care to meet.
 
So it sounds like men are having better luck in real life rather than online, which is ironic. That doesn't fair well for me though, because I'm not the out going type to chat someone up at a bar. I also would never do that with a co-worker. I haven't seen any poly meetups in my area.

I have tried POF, OKC, FL, CL. Yes, OKC is poly friendly but it seems all the poly women in my area already have 1 or 2 boyfriends and aren't looking for more.

I'm looking for more than just sex. I would like a friend that I can talk to. Someone I can go out and do things with. Having an emotional connection would be nice. Not someone I would fall in love with but someone that I care about.

The wife is very good to me. Neither of us are jealous people and I know she would never leave me. She always makes me feel good and this isn't causing any problems between us. I'm glad that she is having fun with others, I just wish I was too, you know? Sometimes I get lonely when she is away.
 
I met Murf out in real life at a car cruise when I was out driving my friend's 70 Nova. He came over to check out the car and the woman driving it. He asked me out after chatting with me after he saw me a few times. My advice get out and socialize without your wife doing the things you enjoy.
 
I'm looking for more than just sex. I would like a friend that I can talk to. Someone I can go out and do things with. Having an emotional connection would be nice. Not someone I would fall in love with but someone that I care about.

The wife is very good to me. Neither of us are jealous people and I know she would never leave me. She always makes me feel good and this isn't causing any problems between us. I'm glad that she is having fun with others, I just wish I was too, you know? Sometimes I get lonely when she is away.

Given the last line, is your desire for someone to be there when your wife isn't? Someone to spend time with when she's busy and out dating others?
 
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