One night stand vs. Poly?

Hello all,

I recently found this website and registered. I would like to share a bit here because I don't know others who are in a poly relationship in my area and this thread applies to a recent experience.

I've been in a poly relationship for about 8-9 months now. The last month has been difficult for us and without going into details, the main issue was that trust was lost. So, our relationship is not in a good place at the moment.

My partner has been traveling on holiday for two weeks by herself and be open to new connections since that was established initially in our relationship. She's already met two guys she felt comfortable enough to have one night stands. Her connections do not upset me but what makes me sad/upset is that even though our relationship is not in a good place when she left for holiday, she was able to allow herself to go further with her connections and have one night stands while I'm still hurting. She knows I'm still hurting and I know she's still hurting from the broken trust.

Another thing that upsets me is that we both have HPV and talked about being open to our future potential partners about it so there is respect and care. But with the two guys she recently had connections with, she didn't tell them. Her reason was she no longer had any visible symptoms so no need to disclose it to others.

I'm not against one night stands and it's comforting to know that poly is open to it. I'm just venting because there didn't seem to be any respect and accountability on her end. Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks for listening and any feedback would be appreciated. =)

~mayang
 
Hi mayang,

I think that neither you nor your partner is being unreasonable, but you clearly have a difference of opinion about how to handle difficulties in your relationship, and on how to handle risks to sexual health. You'll need to communicate with her, and decide whether you can tolerate her decisions and behavior. If not, then this is a dealbreaker.

With more information, I might be able to give better advice. I hope the two of you can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello Kevin T.,

Thanks for the response. She and I are very different in many ways. She is very expressive and reacts immediately in situations, whereas I am more calm and not as reactive. She is an open book with everyone, but I am more of a private person. I am not a jealous person, but she is extremely jealous and we deal with it. She is extremely sensitive. When I say or do something that I feel are just little things, she explains further that it is a big issue because she doesn't understand why me or others do not think/process situations the way she does. This is frustrating for her and has trouble letting go. She likes to be validated and needs constant assurance that she is special. For me, I guess I don't need to be reminded I am special because I already feel her love.

We both have our insecurities and are working on them individually. My main insecurity is that my partners never feel/felt loved by me. I do not express it enough from their point of view. I already know the root cause of my indifference and I have been working on it since I was a teenager. I've already accepted that it is okay to be vulnerable. It's not a sign of weakness. I feel like I have been getting better compared to the last few years. I am more aware, more present, more sensitive and more conscious with reading people's feelings. But sometimes I make mistakes and I get burned badly. So I beat myself up too much sometimes because I hurt the one I love.

Despite these differences, we communicate fairly well. It's not perfect, but we are open to communication. And as much as it is uncomfortable for me to be vulnerable, I allow myself to be uncomfortable and communicate it to her and vice versa. It is just less challenging for her because she is such an open person.
 
Well, that is a lot of differences (between you and your partner). It should probably come as no surprise that conflict has arisen; I'd be surprised if there was no conflict.

Have the two of you tried couples therapy? Perhaps that would help you sort things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle, Mayang.

Instead of adding to an old thread, perhaps you could email a mod to split your portion off into a thread of its own? You may get more responses that way.

Let me repeat back what I think I understand from you post so I know I got it right. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

  • You and your GF recently had something happen where you lost trust in her Word or in her keeping her Word. Trust has not yet been rebuilt.
  • She went on holiday on her own. While on holiday, she had one night stands with two guys without telling them she's HPV positive.


This behavior bothers you because...

1) You are ok with her dating and with one night stands in general. Just not at THIS particular moment in time because you would like to rebuild trust in her Word first.

You would have preferred ___ behavior instead. (She tell them about the HPV? She hold off on sex, and stop at ____? Something else?)

2) Her telling you that she had one night stands with the guys without telling them she has HPV bothers you. Because now you are wondering if there's stuff she leaves out and doesn't tell you.

3) You are not sure if she is trustworthy when she does behaviors like this. You have concerns on how this sort of behavior will impact trust rebuilding between you.

Is that it? :confused:

I'm just venting because there didn't seem to be any respect and accountability on her end. Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting her "talk and walk" to match so you can see she maintains some integrity before you place trust in her Word again. It's hard to trust someone who says one thing but does another.

I think you guys could talk and sort this out. What she will do to demonstrate her Word is trustworthy. How long she will do it before you are willing to begin to trust again.

But from the sound of your other post, it sounds like she does a lot of defensive listening or takes things personally, and doesn't receive feedback well. So that ADDS to the problems rather than help TAKE AWAY from the problem.

Galagirl
 
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