Mono females & poly lovers

Educate yourself about what it is to be a mono in a poly relationship. While no relationship is exactly the same most monos experience many of the same diffculties. You mentioned some of them yourself (jealousy, envy etc.) and in the link below 11 Do's and Don'ts, I bring up things that most women would never dream that they would have deal with in an otherwise healthy relationship.

Re: Examine yourself. You plough through all the extraneous shit and find what is really important. For me it was having a committed, beautiful, deep and meaningful relationship that kept me growing. Z being poly doesn't exclude any of those things in reality. Let's say I was a born- again Christian who saw polyamory as fundamentally wrong (not all Christians are in this category but some are).Then polyamory would never be truly compatible.

Well by that final definition of yours I would say that I am well and truly over the line.:D
 
I really hope I'm not pulling this off topic...
I usually lurk because I am not poly, but am curious about it, so usually, I really don't have anything to add.
That being said, you were wondering if a woman who was only exposed to a mono lifestyle (this would be me) -if presented with an option to be a poly relationship (I have not, but for the sake of this conversation, let's say I have) decided to accept the poly nature of said relationship NOT because of infatuation with said man, but b/c I have rationally thought it out beforehand.

Yep, I sure would.
See, here's my take on it.

I would love to have a relationship with someone whom I would NOT have to devote a lot of time to, well, because I tend to be a loner, and I have pissed off TWO husbands who don't understand that I like to spend a lot of time alone not b/c I don't like THEM, but b/c I am just a loner by nature.


Hey - thanks Phoenix !

This is great. Glad you decided to move out of the lurkers corner :)

So maybe you have shared something important with us. It seem, at least in your case, a strong sense of independence (as contrasted to dependence?) has given you the right situation to consider things with an open mind. You're not necessarily looking to get into a relationship that follows what most might consider 'convention'. You're also honest with yourself about not bringing to the table what maybe a majority might be expecting. (you mentioned a lot of sex and time in this category).

So it makes me wonder if there's otherwise some internal conflicts with many others. I think everyone has a desire to have (and embrace) at least a certain amount of independence - even in the framework of a relationship. But yet, particularly in a mono relationship, it's customary to give up a certain amount (in some cases a lot) of that independence.

Now it seems that for anyone who places considerable value on independence, at least weighing the options of poly would make sense ?
But that doesn't seem to happen.............i.e. the point of this thread.

Nice to hear from your perspective ! Thanks again.

GS
 
Would he happily, actively seek out another poly relationship knowing what he knows about them (if anything happened to RP of course)?

I'll answer this seeing as it pertains to me. Keep in mind I love Redpepper with a level of self awareness and trust that no one else in my life has shared. I fully believe that she is getting the best and most sustainable love I have to offer.

If something happened that ended the intimate aspect of my relationship with Redpepper, I would be left with a large body of diverse and accepting friends and lifelong family friends.

Would I seek out another relationship with a poly woman - no.
Would I allow myself to act on emotions for another poly woman - no.

The hard and sad truth of the matter...anyone who knows my past understands I have experienced affairs and know full well the damage they create for myself and for all the people involved. I can't imagine getting into that scenario again, but I could see that scenario happening before another poly relationship.

After all this time and experience it is still my love for Redpepper and the positive influence I see myself having in her family that sustains me...it is not a heartfelt belief or confidence in the idea of poly.
 
wow, that surprises me. I thought you were the most together mono I had come across. I'm not saying that you're not together; I can't really convey what I mean properly.

If you notice I had a similar reaction to you initially, (i.e. never again). But on going deeper it felt like by saying that it also meant that if I could wipe my present relationship away as if it had never happened and have a great mono relationship instead, I would. And I wouldn't.

I think we feel pretty similarly about our partners and it's hard to imagine anyone else who could possibly be out there to offer us anything approaching what we have now. But then we never imagined being where we are now and it's the best we've ever had. So how can we categorically close ourselves off to the possibility of it ever happening again?

Does that make any sense?
 
But on going deeper it felt like by saying that it also meant that if I could wipe my present relationship away as if it had never happened and have a great mono relationship instead, I would.
I think we feel pretty similarly about our partners and it's hard to imagine anyone else who could possibly be out there to offer us anything approaching what we have now. But then we never imagined being where we are now and it's the best we've ever had. So how can we categorically close ourselves off to the possibility of it ever happening again?

Does that make any sense?

I've already had a great mono relationship...I needed it and that need was filled. If I didn't already have a child and all the mono experiences I had I would want that and Redpepper and I would never had become a couple in the first place.

I feel confident in saying this is the deepest relationship I have had and the only one of it's nature I will have for however long it lasts (hopefully for a very very long time).

I love her with everything I have...but I don't love poly as I see all the struggles my friends and metamours undergo. I see too much pain and imbalance in it.
 
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But if you look at the thread "Is poly worth it" it's predominantly positive. I look around at all my old mono friends and they may not have the emotional roller coaster rides that poly relationships often include but they are mostly a lot less healthy, honest and dynamic than my relationship and I'm sure yours. Many of them are "affairs in waiting".

I have also had kids and a long mono relationship peppered with affairs, so maybe that has helped me get where I am. I don't have any illusions about a mono relationship necessarily being any better than a poly one just because it's mono. Any relationship is only as good as the people in it.

:)
 
But if you look at the thread "Is poly worth it" it's predominantly positive. I look around at all my old mono friends and they may not have the emotional roller coaster rides that poly relationships often include but they are mostly a lot less healthy, honest and dynamic than my relationship and I'm sure yours. Many of them are "affairs in waiting".

I have also had kids and a long mono relationship peppered with affairs, so maybe that has helped me get where I am. I don't have any illusions about a mono relationship necessarily being any better than a poly one just because it's mono. Any relationship is only as good as the people in it.

:)

Everyone's reality is different, if you read that thread than you saw that my opinion was different. I couldn't be a in a poly/open relationship as a primary partner or "husband". I'm not saying mono relationships are better at all. I'm just saying that there are a lot of unique circumstances that had to all come together for me to be in this relationship. Part of that was not realizing what kind of struggle I was about to take on. I can't imagine anyone else ever being worth that. I can't imagine ever giving some one the chance to see. No, I'm afraid I would turn away from even the mention of the words open or poly if I ended up single again and I would be sure to ask.
 
No, I'm afraid I would turn away from even the mention of the words open or poly if I ended up single again and I would be sure to ask.

Mono- I agree to a point. While I think the self-awareness and growth has been beneficial to me personally, I would never get into a mono/poly situation again. That is just an almost insurmountale battle. I think if I would ever become "single" again, I would stay single and be free to love whomever I choose without the guilt and oppression of having to make such huge compromises to the natural progression of a relationship due to mono expectations of a primary mono. Now I would think that using this journey as a guage I would be able to recognize if a lover is becoming expectant or feeling the pressure to control to feel secure. As a poly lover with a mono husband the protection of his feelings on the matter has in turn caused me to feel unable to share huge parts of my life. While I respect his need for it, and I understand his struggles, I have not really made him realize what his needs have done to me and our relationship because of the disconnect. I have a hard time with imposing my wants/needs on others. I definitely do not let them walk on me, and I do as I choose, but I am not overt or obnoxious in my expectations being imposed on them personally. I communicate what I want, I do what I need to to make those wants happen but I don't expect my husband to be right beside me "embracing" what I choose. I just journey on and hope he follows but that has not always been the case...that hurts, alot. And that is because of expectations of what traditional marriage is supposed to be. I am learning what a non-traditional marriage can be. But if all was erased and I could live my life...marriage would not be on my list of To Do in Life. I agree that mono/poly isn't the best scenario for me.
 
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But if you look at the thread "Is poly worth it" it's predominantly positive. I look around at all my old mono friends and they may not have the emotional roller coaster rides that poly relationships often include but they are mostly a lot less healthy, honest and dynamic than my relationship and I'm sure yours. Many of them are "affairs in waiting".

I have also had kids and a long mono relationship peppered with affairs, so maybe that has helped me get where I am. I don't have any illusions about a mono relationship necessarily being any better than a poly one just because it's mono. Any relationship is only as good as the people in it.

:)

I love reading your stuff, the way you process and attempt change. I really wish I could be as non-judgemental as you. I think I need to work on my selfishness. Yeah I am poly and love is something I like to share, but I need to really just learn to live and let live and not be so quick to wish for everyone to be the same in how they think and process. You are one cool mono Kiwi!
 
Just my $.02....as a mono in a poly. I don't think I'd ever do it again either if this current relationship doesn't work out. It's too complicated. As it stands right now I'm trying to decide if the compromises I make in not having the kind of time and attention I'd like with my poly partner is worth what I gain from our relationship. Can what I experience with my poly partner make up for the kind of time and attention I'd ideally like to have with him but can't due to the shared nature of poly????? :confused:That issue has been right smack in my face for the past 24 hours. And right now I'm damned confused and wishing in many ways that I'd never gotten involved in this relationship to have to sort through these issues. On the other hand, it's hard to imagine my life without my poly-partner. :(

My poly's partner and I get along fine. We enjoy one another's company and all 3 of us have been sharing a household for the past 3 weeks. (A temporary arrangement until my rental unit is available in a few weeks.) So, I can't blame the struggles on that particular issue...which I consider to be so fortunate. I'm not jealous of his partner per se. I'm not jealous when I think about them making love. It's just that I'd love to sleep next to him every night and not have to wait to see if I'm going to be the "chosen" partner that night. God I hate that aspect!!!!
 
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Hi Dragonfly,

Yuck, that sleeping arrangement sounds hideous. I hope it is temporary because of your living situation and that you normally have a fairer system than operating out of his whims.

It is important, I think for anyone in a polyamorous relationship to be very clear about what they want to achieve. It sounds to me as if you are currently a secondary and you really want to be at least a primary (if not monogamous).

I am a mono in a poly relationship but I am very primary. Z loves his other very much but we are committed to living the rest of our lives together (if we can maintain the quality of relationship that long). I know I always come first because our lives are so meshed. That was what I wanted in a relationship (among other things). I see the poly bits as just stuff I'm growing through.

I wish you clarity.
 
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sage. I came into an existing poly relationship. I told our guy that I did NOT want to be a secondary. He said he didn't want me to be one either. This sleeping situation came up for the first time the other night. Prior to that he had been trading off nights, e.g., every other night sleeping with one of us, unless she was working a night shift, in which case he might end up sleeping with me two nights in a row. So, it took me by a painful and unpleasant surprise when he switched up on that "pattern"...which I had been quite comfortable with and accepting of. All of a sudden I felt pretty insecure. I guess I want my partner sleeping with me because he wants to....not because he feels like he has to. But, I'm not sure I want to have to deal with the issue of wondering whether he'll want to be with me on any given night. I think it may be time for another discussion of the issue with him. I was so hurt/upset the other night that I don't think I communicated my feelings very well to him. That damn communication stuff again! ;)
 
After 18 years of monogamous, fidelitous, marriage, my husband came out poly.

I identify very strongly as mono.

So how did I cross that line. Great question.

First- I had to put monogamy in its place. I had to ask myself the question "Who did I marry and love?" Did I marry and love monogamy, or did I marry and love my husband, the person. Yes, I loved being monogamous, but did I love that "relational state" more than the person I had it with. Another way to ask this is, "Would a monogamous relationship with someone else be better than a mono/poly relationship with a man I loved deeply and who loved me deeply?" In the end, I decided to stick with the sure, amazing love I had, rather than risk seeking exclusive mono with someone else. Mono wasn't worth losing my love.

Second- I had to embrace the change. I had to acknowledge that this was a serious renegotiation of my marriage contract. It was not what we had agreed to initially. Yes, I had every right to say "No way, this is not what I signed up for!" However, I had to keep in mind that my husband and I had changed heaps since our wedding- we are no longer the young kids we were when we made those vows (and Thank God). I couldn't possibly still be married to my husband as he was at 23 nor he with me as I was at 21. We have changed alongside one another, supporting one another. Our commitment to one another was not a promise "never to change", it was a promise to change alongside one another, and in support of one another throughout a lifetime. Would it be fair of me to have accepted all the other changes we've made (good and bad), but to reject poly?

Finally, I had to find my place in the new poly equation. I had to experiment a bit (which mostly consisted of trying a triad with my husband's OSO). I quickly discovered that I am strongly mono. Yes, it is important for me too keep that designation and title. It isn't just for a couple. I get to choose what I am in any relationship. I still get to choose to be happily, blissfully mono, even if my husband isn't. It is that freedom to be who I am that I have extended to my husband in being poly. I think it is hugely important for poly folks with mono partners to not only acknowledge their mononess, but to support it. In the poly community monogamy is often looked down upon or considered "less evolved". I really had to wade through feeling bad and beating myself up that I couldn't be poly.

The truth is I become a muddles mess in poly relationships, but I am an incredible, loyal, loving, unselfish partner when I am allowed to be my mono self. Why shouldn't I stick with the relational style I excel at?

Hope that helps cause writing it certainly helped me.
 
I have yet to fully decide if I am mono or poly. I often lean towards being poly but perhaps I seem more mono because it is so rare that I meet people that I connect with romantically. I am seeing a married poly man who is married to a (in my opinion) fairly mono woman. Like Mono said, it wasn't something I sought out per se but through a series of special circumstances the relationship was formed. And I can't say I'd be eager after this relationship finishes, to jump into poly things again. It's very challenging, there are so many variables. I have no intentions of leaving my current relationship any time soon but having as many restrictions as we have (because she is mono) is difficult. Primarily in the physical realm. Honestly, you fall in love with who you fall in love with and sometimes you accept a situation because you want to be with them. And it can definitely be worth it.
 
Let me see if I can add to anything for clarity sake........

Are there women who have only been exposed to a mono culture, been presented with an option of being the mono partner of a poly love mate and have chosen that option - NOT necessarily (or purely at least) out of love or infatuation, but because they sat down, analyzed the pros & cons, and made a conscious choice (WITH an open mind) to give it a try.

A situation where it made sense and the pros seemed to outweigh the cons, even though it seem to go against everything they had learned prior ?

Curious...........

GS

I believe I have done this, though I don't believe you can ever remove the love/relationship aspect completely from any poly/mono decision process because making a decision about a relational model is about relationships (not just logic). I suppose a Vulcan could do it, but I assumed you were questing for human females:)

Isn't this the poly equivalent of people who choose to be poly out of pure logic before ever acting on it, rather than because they find themselves suddenly in love with two (or more) people at once and go, "Oh, hey, I must be poly."

I think you are asking about "thoughtful" decision making, rather than reactionary emotional discovery.

However, when it comes to relationships, humans are rarely logical. One doesn't know what one feels until one feels it.
 
Hey - thanks Phoenix !

Now it seems that for anyone who places considerable value on independence, at least weighing the options of poly would make sense ?
But that doesn't seem to happen.............i.e. the point of this thread.

Nice to hear from your perspective ! Thanks again.

GS

I don't know if it is independence as much as being an introvert for me (not speaking for Phoenix).

I am an introvert (meaning I gain energy from being alone but lose energy by being with people- especially a lot of people I don't know).

My poly husband is an extrovert (meaning he gains energy from being with people, but loses energy by being alone or with only a few people).

So, you can see why poly makes sense for us. I get to be alone more and he gets to be with a variety of people more.

However, where it gets difficult is that introverts can be more dependent on the few people they do have relationship with (because their support network tends to be much smaller- though very deep). Their relational energy is a precious commodity that they only invest in a few key people in their lives.

So, while I may need to be with my husband less than other married mono women, I often feel more dependent on him than the average bear.

Does that make sense?
 
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