OnceAndFuture
Member
The Signal has asked me, since I first said I wasn't ready to be in another relationship, how I would know when I was ready. It's a good question. After my divorce, I thought I would be ready right away but I wasn't. Then about nine months afterwards, I met a charming lady at work who loved to come around to my office to talk about everything and nothing, and I felt myself wanting a further relationship with her. It was only then that I felt comfortable enough with saying I was ready. (I went on one date with the charming lady, where she told me all about her boyfriend. If only I'd known more about polyamory then.)
I should have realized now that I would be ready through experience rather than some kind of mental breakthrough. After all our mind doesn't really work that way--we react to experiences, we process those experiences, and we change our minds based on our thought processes. At some level I realized this. I had said to The Signal that maybe even if I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, I might meet someone, and I would want to get to know that person more, and then I'd decide that I was ready.
And I guess I'm saying this because that has already happened to me. I was just too determined to say I wasn't ready to see it.
All this time now when I've been saying that I wasn't ready for a third-party relationship, I've been corresponding with a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman who I had very strong feelings for. And all the while I'd been denying those feelings, even as her feelings towards me evolved. Even The Signal knew intuitively what was going on, and, despite her fears, encouraged me to go on. But I was afraid of hurting her and myself and the other woman. I tried to squeeze my feelings into a box marked "friendship" while still saying out loud that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And the beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman rightly called me out on that.
So, I've now likely lost that relationship. We have, in life, so few chances at emotional connections. We don't open our hearts to just anyone because we're scared. Someone offered to do that for me, and I made a right mess of it.
WhatHappened, you are right, you are right, you are right. I should not formulate rules and boundaries and regulations that will hurt a theoretical new relationship. Especially when, my word, there was nothing actually theoretical about it. I've learned a lesson but at a serious cost, to her and to me. The Signal and I have some thinking to do now about where our boundaries should stand, but I realize that again I'm preparing for the last thing that happened.
I'm sorry. All I can do now is to be more honest about myself in the future. However far away that may be.
I should have realized now that I would be ready through experience rather than some kind of mental breakthrough. After all our mind doesn't really work that way--we react to experiences, we process those experiences, and we change our minds based on our thought processes. At some level I realized this. I had said to The Signal that maybe even if I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, I might meet someone, and I would want to get to know that person more, and then I'd decide that I was ready.
And I guess I'm saying this because that has already happened to me. I was just too determined to say I wasn't ready to see it.
All this time now when I've been saying that I wasn't ready for a third-party relationship, I've been corresponding with a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman who I had very strong feelings for. And all the while I'd been denying those feelings, even as her feelings towards me evolved. Even The Signal knew intuitively what was going on, and, despite her fears, encouraged me to go on. But I was afraid of hurting her and myself and the other woman. I tried to squeeze my feelings into a box marked "friendship" while still saying out loud that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And the beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman rightly called me out on that.
So, I've now likely lost that relationship. We have, in life, so few chances at emotional connections. We don't open our hearts to just anyone because we're scared. Someone offered to do that for me, and I made a right mess of it.
WhatHappened, you are right, you are right, you are right. I should not formulate rules and boundaries and regulations that will hurt a theoretical new relationship. Especially when, my word, there was nothing actually theoretical about it. I've learned a lesson but at a serious cost, to her and to me. The Signal and I have some thinking to do now about where our boundaries should stand, but I realize that again I'm preparing for the last thing that happened.
I'm sorry. All I can do now is to be more honest about myself in the future. However far away that may be.