Dealing With Suspicion

Good thought about residential work. A friend of mine found herself in a really crazy place a couple of years back and rather than let her crappy job and her bad relationship and her unstable financial position continue to drive her into therapy, she completely changed course and found farms to live and work on through a network called WWOOOF (world wide opportunities on organic farms). Her life is nothing like conventional now, but she's deeply happy and excited -- after traveling the country on basically no money for a year and a half she's now living with an intentional community, learning new skills, making lots of friends and exploring the possibilities for her future.
 
A few years back I once sneaked on my b/f's (now husband) Facebook because I 'knew' something wasn't quite right. Confirmed my suspicions that he was heavily flirting with a woman at his old place of employment (they even got as far as making out). Not my finest hour but I'm glad I did it. In the end, I was the one who gave him the ultimatum. No more lies of that magnitude or we can't be together.

I think your wife's transgressions are far worse than yours. Why cheat if your relationship is open in the first place? My hubby sometimes has a hard time with being truthful if it means pissing me off or hurting my feelings. I forgive little white lies on occasion but never again will he attempt to cheat on me or he's out, that's clear. If he fancies someone, I want him to talk to me...not go behind my back. I need honesty if I'm going to trust him.
 
This woman sounds as if she really just doesn't care what you think or feel. It sounds as if she doesn't think you are worth anything and that she can do whatever because of it. She sounds addicted to cheating and doesn't know or care to work on that and instead is turning it around and making you the one that is to blame in this (likely because she thinks you are worthless and a failure). This is really very sad.

You are not worthless, you are not a failure and you can do better. Stop proving to her and yourself that you are not able to rise to the occasion of being an responsible adult and get moving on making you life better. I have a hard time believing that there is no job for you out there. Why is it that you are not working? What is going on that you have not accomplished this? Ask yourself these questions and get on with doing something about it.

Where were you before you met her? If you could live without her before, you will live without her now. She is not healthy for you it seems to me. A warm body sleeping beside you is not a relationship. It sounds like you are unable to take care of yourself let alone a healthy relationship. I think you need to focus on your relationship with yourself first by making some moves in life to better your situation.
 
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I think it is impossible for us here to comment on the other people in your life. They all have needs, gaps which drive their behaviour.
Focus on you. The opinions of other will only hurt if you have a bad relationship with yourself.
I'm not sure if you're in UK or US. But the Farm contact above looks cool. Hard work but great fun. I've done that. It's a way of stepping away from all the noise of life. Stepping away from all the people who know your history, all the baggage and just starting with a clean slate, getting to know who you are and deciding free from constraints who you want to be.
I've worked with ex-offenders and their biggest weakness is the people they surround themselves with because those people do not want to see them to turn their lives around because then they'd feel bad about their own choices. It's a vicious circle. Step out of it as soon as you can. Be the best you can be.
I do understand that need for human closeness and physical loneliness is tough. It doesn't sound like you were nurtured as a child and that need will feel very real and painful. But you are with a woman who is there but making you feel even more lonely.
Good luck. Be strong.
 
She really does love me and I want to make it work. I am going to tell her if she wants me to trust her she has to give me reasons to trust her. I don't see why you think she's like my mother though.
 
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Ultimatums have no place in a mature loving relationship.
Listening, adapting, respect, empathy, compassion are what I would look for and hope to find.
To know you have caused hurt and respond with an ultimatum....?
 
She says she just meant I had to start working on my distrust by Sunday and she says I smother her and she needs time alone but every time she goes out I get all paranoid which is true. Every time she goes out I wonder if she is really going where she said and if she is just off sleeping with some guy.
 
your mother sleeps around and you believe she does also... if she does I would wonder if you pick women who are like your mother. I am not you, I don't know... I am simply pointing out something I am wondering about. If it is not the case, then its not the case.... just a thought.
 
Well I may have slightly exaggerated how much my mom sleeps around. Her boyfriend is a douchebag and she is only with him because if she leaves him she loses her job so I don't really see it as cheating when she sleeps with other people because he deserves it. He's abusive and a crackhead and a liar.
 
It sounds like there is a lot of mistrust going on around you. No one seems to trust anyone and the woman you have chosen to be with doesn't seem compassionate at all; just bossy and controlling. "Trust me by Sunday," "work on your trust issues," "stop smothering me" and then "bye for now I'm going out to some undisclosed place, with some people you don't know and I won't tell you about it because you are paranoid?" How are you suppose to be able to work on anything with a mother that choses douche bags for boyfriends and cheats on them and a girlfriend that cheats on you and expects you to just blindly trust? If you are surrounded by cheating women, its likely going to become a lifelong issue that you don't trust women.

If I were in your situation I would be asking her to work on this with you. She is the one that broke down your trust (and with a mother like yours I can see why you would think women can't be trusted), therefore I would be asking her to build it back up again by having integrity. Proving her integrity by telling you where she is going, who she is with, how long she will be and keeping her word (that she is not out fucking other men, etc.). Is she doing that? It doesn't sound like it. This is not smothering... this is you asking for her to respect your boundaries. If she respect your boundaries, you likely won't have a need to constantly question and pressure her.
 
Well my mom wasn't always like that. When her and my dad were together he was thee one cheating. And I have had trust problems since my first girlfriend who was online lied to me and cheated on me with her ex-fiance and her mentally handicapped best friend.
 
Mum, ex gf, whatever.. There is a lack of trust there and for good reason. I have said what I would do so take what you will from it and good luck. :)
 
I can't get an apartment because I have no job. I only make around $200 a month donating plasma which is nowhere near enough for rent anywhere.

A blunt question; What is preventing you from changing this?

She really does love me and I want to make it work. I am going to tell her if she wants me to trust her she has to give me reasons to trust her.

Another blunt and frank question;
If you cant leave because you have no means to support yourself financially, and you wont leave because emotionally you cant stand be be alone, and you have a knack for absorbing her dishonesty, lies and ultimatums, Then why should she bother giving you a reason to trust her?

Hate to say it kid, Unless there is some kind of actual consequence to the way she treats you, then your input doesn't actually matter to her.

Look at it this way:
you caught her (very likely) cheating (again) and she does what again?
I was basically told that I have this week to decide if I can trust her or not and if I can't trust her then we can't be together.

You've also stated that you cant/wont leave her because you cant stand being alone AND have nowhere else to go. So this leaves you really only one course of action. Which is compliance.

She's obviously very well aware of this, and using it against you.

read that line about five or six times until it sinks in.

I want to trust her. I love her and want to be with her. But I can't trust her when she keeps lying over and over again.

you are correct. Your "wants" are noble intentions, even though the latter part of your statement is an impossibility.

If I'm reading things correctly you are in your early 20s. Dude, life goes on, partners come and go, and in the end we're only stuck dealing with one person consistently in live, Ourselves.
 
Nothing is preventing me from changing the fact that I don't have a job except for the fact that nobody will call me back after I apply.
 
Nothing is preventing me from changing the fact that I don't have a job except for the fact that nobody will call me back after I apply.

You mean no one will call you back when you WANT them to. It will take time. But wallowing and not being proactive is the surest way to guarantee not ever getting a job, much less a phone call and an interview.

You seem indifferent to your situation though, and I don't know what will help with that unless you alter the way you see things.
 
Ah. That curse.

Have you tried a day-labour place?
Most require only boots and the willingness to take a manual shit-job, you don't really have to apply so much as show up in the wee hours of the morning and most pay out cash daily.

Its terrible work, always terrible work that doesn't pay nearly enough, but its also a quick way to build up some references and rub elbows with possible employers.
 
Yes when they provide a number. They all just tell me they'll let me know if I am going to be moving on to the next stage of the hiring process.
 
So we talked and made a decision. We're going to stay together until we both get enough money and I have a job then we're going to split up on good terms and still remain friends.
 
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