powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
I agree with the sex therapist idea, if your husband is willing. I know that he is doing some things that are "unfair," but he has to be going through Hell, thinking that he isn't "man enough" for you.
Have you two tried a sex therapist, especially one focusing on disability?
Whether or not you are now in love with your boyfriend and do not want to give it up, you protect old relationships by investing in them.
And it sounds like both of you are not satisfied with the status quo.
Hi Gemma,
Sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better; in fact, they've gotten worse; you've lost your confidante. Personally I don't think you should have to give up your boyfriend, but if you are racked with guilt about how upset your husband is, I guess you could give up the boyfriend and see if that made him (and by extension you) feel better. Only you can decide.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Your situation is more complex because of the family component. I am sure you love your husband and want to maintain the relationship. I also feel for your boyfriend, especially since it has been such a long time. Does he know what is going on with your other relationship? I am wondering what he thinks about things. Being an objective, non-biased person, I completely understand this "being between a rock and a hard place" situation, and how you feel stuck, and how you want to stay with your husband but are not sure how to proceed. My subjective, emotional side, which is 100% on YOUR side, wishes you would leave your husband because I don't like how he is handling this. It just doesn't seem fair. I know you can't and won't do that though. Just sharing my thought space!
DH doesn’t seem to have a problem with the friendship. He knows we are super close, we’ve all been friends for over 14yrs.
My bf suggested to take a break sexually for a while.
His (husband's) main problem is the sex he wants our sexual relationship to stop. Husband wants to be the only one to please me as it should be (in his eyes) since we are married. .
Gemma,
Both you and your bf have a right to have a say so in this. Your husband does not just get to rip apart the lives of two people for his own selfish ends.
What your husband is doing is selfish and unfair. Perhaps he should work on his insecurities rather than trying to force you to give up someone you truly care for.
Perhaps you should also ask yourself this: Does this marriage fulfill you? Which partner fulfills you more? Is your husband's word the end all be all? If so, why? Just some things to think about...
Gemma, since you're all great friends and your boyfriend has already suggested taking a break from the sexual relationship, may I suggest this:
- Husband commits to a course of physical therapy aimed at strengthening muscle tone and control. (I realise he may be embarrassed and self-conscious, but it'd be helpful if the therapist understood the reason for seeking PT as there may be particular exercises that help with sexual function and associated movement).
- You AND husband agree to see a sex therapist together in order to address the current mismatch in this area (sexual incompatibility) and figure out how to approach the issue of mono/poly in the future.
- Take a (temporary) break from the sexual side of the relationship with boyfriend, and transition to platonic friendship... with the understanding that husband must commit to at least trying to meet your sexual needs. The therapist will have some ideas, I hope, however as one of the other posters said... "sex" need not be ALL about PIV... there are fingers and mouths and toys and imagination. There are fantasies and porn you can indulge in together.
If your husband refuses to branch out and employ his creative side in the bedroom, or won't go to a therapist, I believe you're within your rights to revert to getting those needs met elsewhere (with boyfriend in this case, if he is still on board after the sexual moratorium) or in some other relationship.
Before doing/agreeing to any of the above, I'd discuss your wishes, boundaries and deal-breakers in detail with both husband and boyfriend, so everybody concerned knows what the deal is and so that there'll be no surprises whatever eventuates.
Lunabunny, I’m all for this and my husband has suggested going back to PT. He hasn’t gone since he was a kid. I want to work with my husband on these issues, I do fear it still may not be enough. I’m feeling very conflicted, I know my relationship with my bf started off because of my sexual needs. However, things have changed and I have love for my bf, how can I go back to being a platonic friendship?! To not be able to show him physical affection hurts.
After a year of being in an open relationship my husband wants to go back to manogomy. He never found someone outside of us and decided he and will always be monogamous. I’m in a relationship and do love my bf but don’t know what to do. I feel selfish for wanting an outside relationship I’m clearly hurting my husband. I would like to remain open but he wants all this to end. I’m so torn and it hurts so much thinking I would have to end it.
My husband knows I love my bf and is hurt but he thinks I can just end this and we can go back to manogmy again. The problem that lead me to open the relationship will still be there. His disability hinders pleasing me sexually. He said he was going to work on improving muscle strength to maybe help. Even if that helps I still have an emotional connection to my bf.
Just not sure where to go. If I should end this or not.
Your husband is being very cruel, immature, bitter, and showing off what a worm he is by asking this of you.
If he was first on board with polyamory so you could get your sexual needs met, and was OK for a while with it becoming an emotional relationship, I'm sorry, but he just doesn't get to close the barn door after the horse is out.
Was there a discussions of prior to take this step that it could or would be a giant leap in terms of a relationship dynamic??? My advice to lurkersmand newbies is be very sure this is something you need and want because chances are very very high there is no going back to the way it was.
I find this truly disgusting to call a guy a worm because he’s found that after a yr that he can’t do it. It’s not like he’s reminded every second of every day of his disability and then have the stabbed further when she drives off to be with her lover. AND is this appreciably different that a spouse in a mono marriage coming and changing their mind on marriage vows. Ones growth and following your true self and ones being a an immature worm. Hey a choice is a choice fuckhead. Nothing like everyone feeling like they stettled.
What was short term suppose to be ??
You said in one of you posts you weren’t ready to cut your husband loose out of your commitment to the family/ young kids. Do you think he will get to a point to cut you loose ?
I’m not sure how you unring the bell or paste the smashed vase back together.
How does sex going forward not become extremely awkward/uncomfortable/ strained/ embarrassing because of the herd of elephants in the room?
Forget about going forward what’s been the routine the past few / several months?? Who generally initiates sex ?
You’ve been very diplomatic on saying his disability hinders him in pleasing you sexually. I’m assuming it’s worse than hinder and issue is very little to no sex and rarely pleasurable and satisfying otherwise you wouldn’t be here.
The reason I’m going into this the lose lose situation I see for your husband. Let’s say he goes to PT sex camp and improves 50-60 % (Whatever that is and whatever that means ) what’s that do in terms of your pleasure. Hypothetically he went from horrible sex to bad or OK sex .....or went from an F to a C.
I was too harsh on the husband and I'm sorry. I went on to be more diplomatic. After all, I've got a disabled partner myself.
Lots of times, polyamory starts because of mismatched libidos, or kink desires. In this case it's disability. Whichever reason, I still say it's unfair to close a relationship just because ONE partner changes their mind. You can't unring a bell.
Either the husband is unhappy because of jealousy now, or the wife would unhappy because of sexual frustration, for the rest of her life, if she decides to sacrifice her bf and go back to monogamy.
This is what poly is all about, people. Not one person can satisfy all the needs of another. If the husband's libido is satisfied by the sex with the wife, good for him. Fact is, hers never will be.
And yes, thinking a few times with another sex partner will "get it out of her system," was very naive thinking on both their parts. I guess people with lower libidos don't get that.
There have been many options suggested here. Luna's ideas of merely cuddling bf, or the idea of naked masturbation or naked baths with bf, but no PIV are not good ideas, IMO, because what Gemma wants/needs/desires is deep PIV to get the best orgasms.
Take a (temporary) break from the sexual side of the relationship with boyfriend, and transition to platonic friendship... with the understanding that husband must commit to at least trying to meet your sexual needs.
If your husband refuses to branch out and employ his creative side in the bedroom, or won't go to a therapist, I believe you're within your rights to revert to getting those needs met elsewhere
might it be possible for you to still maintain some degree of physical intimacy with your boyfriend,... such as hugging, cuddling, non-sexual touching, while you're trying to sort the relationship/s out.
He said he’s ok with my bf and our relationship. He’s ok with, kissing, cuddling, naked cuddling, naked baths together. Even with us masturbating in front of each other. He just doesn’t want us having sex anymore.
Right or wrong, men often have their self-worth tied with being able to please their woman in bed (better than other men), so that's probably one source for that jealousy around sex specifically. Lunabunny's compromise is great but may not be doable for this reason, unless the husband is able to step out of his own (or is it collective?) shadow around this. Just saying.Basically, what your husband is saying is... almost any kind of intimacy short of PIV is "acceptable", but he wants to "save" intercourse for just between you two. Unfortunately, PIV sex is the ONE thing you do with him sexually that ISN'T overly satisfying for you. And therein lies the dilemma.
I am glad to hear toys and masturbation etc are used between the married partners. But if she's tired of cowgirl as the only actual PIV position possible, and not having truly fulfilling orgasms except through multiple PIV positions (as with her bf), I don't think it's anything to just ignore.
Her husband and confidant seem to be saying, "Pfft, she has a bf JUST so she can have good sex. What a selfish bitch." Excuse me, but really awesome sex is very important to some people. I guess people with lower libidos don't get that.
This is what poly is all about, people. Not one person can satisfy all the needs of another.
If the husband's libido is satisfied by the sex with the wife, good for him. Fact is, hers never will be. And yes, thinking a few times with another sex partner will "get it out of her system," was very naive thinking on both their parts. Once she got great sex with bf, she knew more than ever what she was missing for a long time.
There have been many options suggested here. Luna's ideas of merely cuddling bf, or the idea of naked masturbation or naked baths with bf, but no PIV are not good ideas, IMO, because what Gemma wants/needs/desires is deep PIV to get the best orgasms.
She married her husband thinking the kind of sex he offered was enough. But it's not. She fears that even if he increases his strength somewhat through exercise, he won't be able to get on top and really give it to her deep enough. She can't be blamed for this as a selfish bitch. We all learn about ourselves as we mature. We change, we grow. We often outgrow our spouses, or grow apart. Sometimes sexually, sometimes in other ways. Sometimes it's best just to part ways and go with another partner who better suits us at the next stage of life.
tl;dr: Husband loves her and is satisfied with their sex. She loves her husband and isn't satisfied with their sex. They can Close and stay together, wife frustrated, husband still knowing he can't fully satisfy her. They can weigh their other options. Maybe husband could find another partner with a lower libido who can love him with little to no sex.