Just Seeking Some Insight - Dating A Much Younger Mono Woman

Thanks for such a well thought out and thoughtful reply! I think the thing is this: In poly/mono pairings, it is always expected that the poly person will be the one to make the concessions. Why is this?
Thank you for the positive feedback. There are often compromises in relationships, but in theory those should be confined to issues of a logistical nature e.g. I'd love to go to New Zealand but I don't have the savings, so let's have a "staycation".
This isn't a lifestyle choice for me. Not one bit.
I completely agree, and cover this on my site by pointing out that humans are naturally non-monogamous and naturally form meaningful loving connections, while monogamy is essentially a social construct that was in large part instituted by the Romans to help build better armies. So if anything, it's actually monogamy that's the "lifestyle choice", and it isn't even a real choice because we're socialized into it and not given any other options.
Monogamy makes me miserable. I am already starting to feel that stifled feeling. I can't do this much longer. I am actually working on a dating profile as we speak. I am naturally oriented to be poly. We'll see. School starts tomorrow.
Being poly doesn't mean one always has to be on the make or cannot have a solid home life with one person, but it does mean that whoever you're with needs to understand that either of you could be drawn to someone else as well, and be okay with that. This actually makes a relationship stronger instead of weaker because it gets rid of that stifling feeling while eliminating any need to breakup over exclusivity, plus it has the potential to bring a new and positive dimension into a relationship through the addition of a new partner.

This seems simple and awesome to those who get it, but unfathomable to those who don't, and if you capitulate to being stifled by the relatively repressive social conditioning of others, you're not being honest with yourself or your partner, and that is a compromise nobody should have to make in a relationship. Your best option is to explain that as best you can and let the chips fall where they may. You don't have to break up with them, but if they break up with you then they're basically just proving the point I made and losing someone very special at the same time, and you don't have to take any responsibility for their decision. If it's anyone's fault, it's society's.

For dating sites, I chose to go with OKC because it's free and has good formatting features. But I've also had zero luck finding anyone here in Calgary who I don't have to explain this all to. I find swingers and hook-ups as superficial as mono people do, and what I'm talking about only dawns on mono people when they realize that it means sex can happen with someone else. I'm so sick of the stereotypical tunnel vision focused on the sex ( sigh ). But now I ramble. Have a wonderful first day back and BTW congrats on making the Deans list!
 
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I completely agree, and cover this on my site by pointing out that humans are naturally non-monogamous and naturally form meaningful loving connections, while monogamy is essentially a social construct that was in large part instituted by the Romans to help build better armies. So if anything, it's actually monogamy that's the "lifestyle choice", and it isn't even a real choice because we're socialized into it and not given any other options.

While she SAYS she accepts this, as recently as December 14, she was saying things like she hopes that I don't see this being a problem anytime soon because it's really hard for her. Also, a lot of what is going on strikes me as quite selfish on her part, because thus far, it seems that I am making all the concessions in this relationship.

Being poly doesn't mean one always has to be on the make or cannot have a solid home life with one person, but it does mean that whoever you're with needs to understand that either of you could be drawn to someone else as well, and be okay with that. This actually makes a relationship stronger instead of weaker because it gets rid of that stifling feeling while eliminating any need to breakup over exclusivity, plus it has the potential to bring a new and positive dimension into a relationship through the addition of a new partner.


See, I don't think she even fully understands this basic concept at all. Like, I have these three best friends, who have given me permission to, in generalities, try to explain their triad dynamic, as an example, to explain one type of poly to her. For her, it's such a foreign concept, she just doesn't get it. My preferred form of poly is usually dating women independent of one another, and the relationships are equal, just different, and she would ask things like, "what is that you get from these other women that I can't give you?" She's still stuck in that "I'm not enough" mindset.

This seems simple and awesome to those who get it, but unfathomable to those who don't, and if you capitulate to being stifled by the relatively repressive social conditioning of others, you're not being honest with yourself or your partner, and that is a compromise nobody should have to make in a relationship. Your best option is to explain that as best you can and let the chips fall where they may. You don't have to break up with them, but if they break up with you then they're basically just proving the point I made and losing someone very special at the same time, and you don't have to take any responsibility for their decision. If it's anyone's fault, it's society's.

TOTALLY agree with this. Society's view of relationship styles and their acceptability is totally fucked up.

For dating sites, I chose to go with OKC because it's free and has good formatting features. But I've also had zero luck finding anyone here in Calgary who I don't have to explain this all to. I find swingers and hook-ups as superficial as mono people do, and what I'm talking about only dawns on mono people when they realize that it means sex can happen with someone else. I'm so sick of the stereotypical tunnel vision focused on the sex ( sigh ). But now I ramble. Have a wonderful first day back and BTW congrats on making the Deans list!

Yeah, I like OKC. I meet lots of dates on there. I am also not into swinging, hook ups, and FWBS. Totally not my bag at all.

And thank you! Really gunning for a straight 4.0 this semester!
 
Yeah, I like OKC. I meet lots of dates on there. I am also not into swinging, hook ups, and FWBS. Totally not my bag at all.
Well if I could date a much younger 35 year old lesbian you sound like exactly my type ... lol. Best of luck. I'm sure you'll both get through it and survive regardless of how it goes.
 
Well if I could date a much younger 35 year old lesbian you sound like exactly my type ... lol. Best of luck. I'm sure you'll both get through it and survive regardless of how it goes.

Aww, thank you! And I really need to update that siggy lol. I'll actually be 37 in March. Told ya I hadn't been here in awhile. I'll go do that right now!
 
The kindest thing you can do to her is break up with her as soon as possible.

No, don't keep using her for sex for a while longer. No, don't string her along for a year and half until she leaves school! No, don't try to get her to break up with you by flaunting your other dates or whatever. (The older guys I dated in my early twenties did ALL of those things!)

Yes, she might really screw up your social/professional life in this organization. I have an ex who did that, and it was terrible. There's no way around it, except to know that time will resolve it. If she causes issues for you that persist for months, EVENTUALLY other people will realize that her reaction is out of proportion for an ex she dated for only two months.

If you keep dating her for three more semesters while never being into it, you might deserve whatever she petty vengeance she wreaks on you :), but if she throws a fit after two months, other people will see that she's clearly in the wrong.

She sounds immature and manipulative. Cut her loose. She'll get over it. She's 20, that's what being young is for: getting over things and learning.
 
The kindest thing you can do to her is break up with her as soon as possible...
How can you be entirely sure of that? Young people are resilient and adaptable. Perhaps with consistent love, patience, and proving she won't be discarded over exclusivity issues will help her learn what being poly is really about. If we really love these people, I think we owe them the opportunity to adapt rather than throwing them to the curb. Still, in the long run, you might be right. But we're not fortune tellers. We have to try to do what is right in the here and now ( IMO ). Others might be less concerned about that. It can be a tough call. I draw the breakup line at issues of honesty, fairness, respect, communication ... principles that are proven to be compromised rather than unproven assumptions about what might happen.
 
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How can you be entirely sure of that? Young people are resilient and adaptable. Perhaps with consistent love, patience, and proving she won't be discarded over exclusivity issues will help her learn what being poly is really about. If we really love these people, I think we owe them the opportunity to adapt rather than throwing them to the curb. Still, in the long run, you might be right. But we're not fortune tellers. We have to try to do what is right in the here and now ( IMO ). Others might be less concerned about that. It can be a tough call. I draw the breakup line at issues of honesty, fairness, respect, communication ... principles that are proven to be compromised rather than unproven assumptions about what might happen.

I tend to agree with you, but with some caveats. If you continue to have a relationship with her, it needs to have some very strict boundaries that continue to be re-enforced.

If you suspect she doesn't really believe those boundaries, is putting up with them because she thinks they will change, or continuously breaks them, then you should not continue the relationship.

I'm all for allowing someone to accept a relationship on the terms given, but I do think it is cruel giving him/her hope (whether it's you doing the giving or they are deluding themselves) that one day the terms will change to more of what that person really wants when that isn't possible.
 
I tend to agree with you, but with some caveats. If you continue to have a relationship with her, it needs to have some very strict boundaries that continue to be re-enforced.

If you suspect she doesn't really believe those boundaries, is putting up with them because she thinks they will change, or continuously breaks them, then you should not continue the relationship.

I'm all for allowing someone to accept a relationship on the terms given, but I do think it is cruel giving him/her hope (whether it's you doing the giving or they are deluding themselves) that one day the terms will change to more of what that person really wants when that isn't possible.

Yes. I get the spirit of what you're saying and actually think we're pretty much on the same page in many respects. I just tend to think that all things being equal and honest, being poly is about being inclusive more than exclusive, and therefore there is no reason to breakup with anyone over exclusivity. That mindset is for mono people, and if they insist on it, then it's their choice and they have to live with it. So if it's a life lesson they're learning, then my attitude is to at least let them complete the lesson instead of arbitrarily failing them.

It might not be easy. Mono / Poly pairings are generally a recipe for conflict. But conflict can help us learn and evolve too. It's not always bad even if it's not always pleasant. The challenge is to keep the whole thing positive. There's good stress and bad stress, and ultimately they have to be the ones to navigate their ship through the reefs. I also think your comments are good counterpoint for this view that helps add a perspective on the flip side of the coin. Most importantly they show compassion and are well intentioned. There are some really good people on this site and you seem to be one of them.
 
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I posted an update to the situation in a new thread.

Here it is.
 
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