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  #1  
Old 08-02-2017, 04:40 AM
DripDropDiggsManuel DripDropDiggsManuel is offline
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Default New to Poly, Already Fucked It Up

I'm Gracie, I'm a 19 year old bisexual female who's become confused about whether she's poly or not. I decided to try it. First I told my girlfriend that I want to try poly and she was fine with it. In fact, she took me out to a club and we pretended we weren't dating unless someone specifically asked. So far so good, right?

My girlfriend and I decided on a no unprotected sex, so I knew that no unprotected sex was going to happen. Or so I thought.

I ended up meeting this one dude and we went to a motel and we were making out and stuff and he recommended sex and I figured he'd brought condoms or something, so I said yes. He didn't bring any form of protection. I had already said yes and didn't want to back out now, so we did it.

I told my girlfriend when I got home and she smiled, I was weirded out, and she told me, "Good. I did, too, but I didn't want to tell you."

A few days later I was hit with a 'stomach bug' but in reality I'm pregnant. I told my girlfriend and she cried super hard, but said, "I will raise the baby, but she has to see her dad. I love you so much, but I don't necessarily like you right now."

I am having a baby with a guy I've seen once who (I texted) wants to help with the baby and lives two hours away.
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  #2  
Old 08-02-2017, 10:35 AM
sunray sunray is offline
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Dear Gracie,

The first step towards turning your situation into a poly one (if that's what you want) would be to tell your guy about your girlfriend. Let him know that if he's going to step up and be a parent to your child, he can expect that child to have three parents. Because pretending you and your girlfriend aren't together isn't what poly is about--poly folks choose to be honest about being in multiple relationships, with everyone they date.

I certainly encourage all three of you to do some hard thinking and have have some long talks together about what you want your relationships to look like. How much do your guy and your girlfriend want to get to know each other? Can you imagine all living together? How do they each want to support you and your baby? (And if you have other sources of support, like parents or relatives, call on them, too--babies are a lot of work and expense.)

And just to speak to the safer-sex piece for a second--you can always, always call things off, for any reason. Saying you'll have sex with someone isn't a binding promise, especially when you didn't have all of the information when you said it (you thought he had brought protection). It is okay to take a stand for your sexual health, even if it's difficult or awkward to get the words out sometimes.

Wishing you all the best!
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  #3  
Old 08-02-2017, 02:52 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunray View Post
Dear Gracie,

The first step towards turning your situation into a poly one (if that's what you want) would be to tell your guy about your girlfriend. Let him know that if he's going to step up and be a parent to your child, he can expect that child to have three parents. Because pretending you and your girlfriend aren't together isn't what poly is about--poly folks choose to be honest about being in multiple relationships, with everyone they date.

I certainly encourage all three of you to do some hard thinking and have have some long talks together about what you want your relationships to look like. How much do your guy and your girlfriend want to get to know each other? Can you imagine all living together? How do they each want to support you and your baby? (And if you have other sources of support, like parents or relatives, call on them, too--babies are a lot of work and expense.)


Wishing you all the best!
Kind of putting the cart before the horse, aren't you? These two people don't even know each other.
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  #4  
Old 08-02-2017, 03:02 PM
DripDropDiggsManuel DripDropDiggsManuel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunray View Post
Dear Gracie,

The first step towards turning your situation into a poly one (if that's what you want) would be to tell your guy about your girlfriend. Let him know that if he's going to step up and be a parent to your child, he can expect that child to have three parents. Because pretending you and your girlfriend aren't together isn't what poly is about--poly folks choose to be honest about being in multiple relationships, with everyone they date.

I certainly encourage all three of you to do some hard thinking and have have some long talks together about what you want your relationships to look like. How much do your guy and your girlfriend want to get to know each other? Can you imagine all living together? How do they each want to support you and your baby? (And if you have other sources of support, like parents or relatives, call on them, too--babies are a lot of work and expense.)

And just to speak to the safer-sex piece for a second--you can always, always call things off, for any reason. Saying you'll have sex with someone isn't a binding promise, especially when you didn't have all of the information when you said it (you thought he had brought protection). It is okay to take a stand for your sexual health, even if it's difficult or awkward to get the words out sometimes.

Wishing you all the best!
By 'unless they specifically ask' I meant if they asked if I was with someone or if they asked me to do anything with them. And after a weird conversation I found out that he's my girlfriend's ex from highschool And they broke up because she was using him as a beard, but we're best friends throughout all o highschool but drifted apart. They both want to help me raise the baby, and they're getting closer again, so maybe this wasn't such a bad thing.
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  #5  
Old 08-02-2017, 03:22 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DripDropDiggsManuel View Post
In fact, she took me out to a club and we pretended we weren't dating unless someone specifically asked. So far so good, right?

I had already said yes and didn't want to back out now, so we did it.

I told my girlfriend when I got home and she smiled, I was weirded out, and she told me, "Good. I did, too, but I didn't want to tell you."

I am having a baby with a guy I've seen once who (I texted) wants to help with the baby and lives two hours away.
These are the things that worry me.

Being poly doesn't mean pretending you aren't in a relationship.

Just because you said yes doest mean you can't say no. Let this sink in. You can be in the middle of sex and decide to stop, you say no, you get up and leave. It's ok. It is so ok.

Safe sex is so important and you both are risking your own health and the health of one another.

Secrets are not going to help either of you here.

I'm not trying to come down on you all finger-wagging mom style, but you need to hear some things.

That being said, do you have a support system for you, your gf, your co-parent, your baby?
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Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi, ex
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,ex-partner to Sir


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  #6  
Old 08-02-2017, 04:50 PM
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Alba Alba is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post

That being said, do you have a support system for you, your gf, your co-parent, your baby?
I was thinking the same. A human child requires time, money and energy. For next few years anything else should be secondary concern.
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  #7  
Old 08-02-2017, 05:25 PM
Rockit49 Rockit49 is offline
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Default Welcome!

Just so it's said... There's options.
And this is a poly forum.... With lots of helpful opinions.
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  #8  
Old 08-02-2017, 07:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well... there's missed opportunities.
  • Could have educated yourself about poly a bit more. Poly doesn't mean jumping into sex with strangers. It means dating various partners at the same time with their knowledge and consent, and if some eventually become lovers that's fine. I would shelve poly for now, and if later you want to try again, do more reading ahead of time first.
  • Could have said "No, thanks. I thought you had protection", gone to the store for condoms, or kept it to outercourse only. Too late for those options. Next time remember those ARE options. It is ok to change your mind about (sharing sex at all) or the (kind of sex) at any point in time.
  • Could have sought out emergency contraception right after during the 3 day window. Sometimes a condom breaks and you need to know what to do. Too late for that option in this case, but not too late to educate yourself for future reference.

And there are more upcoming opportunities...
  • Could seek out abortion, if that is an option you wish to take.
  • Could carry to term and do anonymous surrender at birth hospital if that's an option where you live that you want to take. You have to figure out the Safe Haven Laws where you live. Here is LA.
  • Could carry to term and give up for formal adoption if that's an option to you want to take. That's a different process.
  • Could raise the child yourself, if that's an option you want to take.

Basically you have some research to do and then some decisions to make.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-02-2017 at 10:00 PM.
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  #9  
Old 08-02-2017, 08:49 PM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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Hmmm. I don't know about this. . . . .
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  #10  
Old 08-02-2017, 11:09 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Are your parents people you could talk to?
If you have stable older adults in your real life that you trust please go to them for support.
We can only help so much and we all care to see you well.
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BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi, ex
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,ex-partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
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