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Old 03-04-2015, 07:36 PM
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WinstonSmith WinstonSmith is offline
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Default Girlfriend of 6 years wants to have 1st child from “new”, other partner. What now?

Will post TL;DR in the first post below (character limit)

Long version

-Years leading to opening the relationship-
My S.O. (who I will call AB from now on) and I got close rather quickly, even though we both lived in different countries. AB moved to my home country (let’s call it PA), learned the language extremely easily and started a study there. After three years of a lot of self-exploration, a lot of good opportunities and a myriad of created and supported insecurities (we both have/had issues that we confirmed in each other at times), we decided to pursue our studies in a different country (let’s call it BX) where we both were not at home. Meanwhile, we had already had huge ideas about moving to a different country after the study in BX (which had always been my dream, migrating and raising children). We even planned all of it, went looking for homes, visited the “dream country” a couple of times (it’s rather far away), but ultimately decided, whole-heartedly from both sides, against it.
In BX we got into very dark water because of, what I always assumed ‘me being me, being different’, really hit hard home once again, but since I now lived with someone, there was someone to notice. I spent less time going outside, going to university, developed severe social anxiety, panic attacks, and in general a heavy depression. In this time the physical aspect of our component started to disappear completely and AB started to have sexual dreams about her past relationship, with whom she barely had any connection any more. There was no interest in him from AB’s side, save sexually. I was supportive of the idea, but of course we had our speed bumps along the way. Meanwhile, AB helped me (where I did not fell at ease at all) seek therapy and to approach tests correctly (I had had therapy off and on the decade before, since my early teens, all to no avail because I could philosophise and talk too well to people for them to make any diagnosis). After eight months AB realised that the therapy was not going anywhere (severely incompetent psychiatrist) and sought help from a specialist, specialised in personality disorders and diagnoses. Within two months a diagnosis was formed and I was diagnosed with a personality disorder (which I don’t completely relate to any more) but also a severe, chronic depression; estimated to date back since my early teens or even pre-teens (at that time around 15 years). Needless to say, I did not know the world any different than I was experiencing it at that time. It was in the same year that AB’s study came to a close and her relative died, granting us the opportunity through an inheritance to move away from BX and to her home country, even the house where she grew up in, (let’s call it ST).

-Moving to AB’s home, which now was to be my home too-
We spent an entire summer, while still living in BX, renovating the home in ST. AB’s mother would still occupy a storey in the same building while we’d live in the two storeys upstairs from it. AB and I would share the garden with her mother, some communal duties and living costs were all arranged too. All in all, AB’s mother was/is very supportive and generous to accept us living there (technically, it’s her inheritance). The renovation took all my savings, and all of AB’s savings, and moved me about 400 miles away from the home I grew up in, my family, and friends.
Meanwhile, I was still struggling with the depression, finding therapy and medication. At first we sought for therapists in English, but after 8 months of disappointments (people claiming to speak English and then struggling to form sentences…) I started searching for German therapists.

-AB finding new love, I still struggle with depression and finding help-

At the same time, AB fell in love with her now partner (let’s call him EF). They started off very physically, exploring each other sexually in new territories (that I was also relatively interested in), but AB kept the relationship close to her heart out of fear I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I understand that completely, but at the time it made me feel I was excluded, and couldn’t get any closer to her anymore. Our physical relationship was still almost non-existent, with AB showing no interest and making it clear any initiative would have to come from my side. I tried, and got sometimes pushed back in extremely hurtful ways, which made it even more difficult to approach her. In this year, many mistakes from both sides were made, ultimately leading to a final confrontation and sit-down, with both sides agreeing to a policy of being flat-mates for a while, until we both can straighten ourselves out.

-Me finding help, AB and EF growing ever closer, me meeting EF-
Shortly after this time I managed to find a therapist, my medication started working (I had started medication a few months earlier, a very trying time since I was very adverse to medication), and I managed to go outside more and started exercising daily again.
Shortly before I found my therapist I met EF for the first time, and as I expected we got on like crazy. We share a sense of humour, can enjoy the same kind of music, games, and books and in general think rather alike at times. Naturally, we are plenty different too, but there is no animosity at all from either side. Since then, we have met three times, and AB and EF have been together for about a year (and have met more often at his place a few hours from here).

-AB breaking the news of wanting a poly-family-
It was obvious to me that EF, who lost his relationship of six years a few months ago, and AB got on very well, shared a very intense connection (like AB and myself, AB is a wonderfully intense person). The subject of children was sometimes a topic between AB and me when we lived in BX, but I needed to always halt that because our flat was tiny, we lived in a city we both didn’t feel at home, and at my worst time in the depression I was mentally gone for three months (I still barely have a recollection of the time, and think I might have set foot outside the home twice in nearly the whole season), which for me was enough of a reason to not start children. We also had no definitive idea of a future home.
When we did move to ST and settled down, AB expressly stated having no interest in children for at least some more years, because she began exploring herself. Naturally, it came as a surprise, when I had finally started coming back into the world with completely renewed energy, to learn she now did want to start a family, but her first child would be EF’s.

-My feelings for EF and EB-
I love EF. I think he is both mentally and physically a beautiful person. He is warm, stubborn, funny, emotional, cold, childish (in a good sense), adventurous, homely, thoughtful and caring. All qualities and pitfalls I recognise in AB and myself too. I love AB more closely than I have ever loved anyone in my life. She is beautiful, intelligent, extremely wise (although that’s often blocked by trauma, which I have not once attributed to her as a person, but always see as a point of her parents not knowing the first thing about raising children or loving people), sexy beyond measure, creative, utterly driven, more energetic than anyone I’ve ever seen, sometimes hasted, funny, warm, accepting and never stops growing. We’ve been together six years, shared deaths in family, our weakest moments, sexual exploration to a small extent, deep insecurities, fights close to storms in intensity, and in general push each other every day to be better people.

-My issues with not being the first father-
Even though EF will be more and more at home in the building AB and I currently live in, he would still have his primary residence a few hours away (unless he moves). The child would, most of the time, live with his/her mother and me. I, unlike AB and EF, have a rather large family (one of my siblings has own children already) and come together with all people from one of my parent’s side once a year (35+ people). Naturally, a child of my partner would be welcome there (or at least, I’d want it to be welcome there), even if it’s not my biological child.
I have huge problems facing the prospect of my first diaper change not being my biological child, the first steps I see, words I see, the first time I see a child grow, the first time I see my partner pregnant, the first time I feel feet in her belly, the first time I see her glow, the first time I hold a person I will raise, the first time I will sing to a child, the first time I show a child I raise to my parents and siblings, the first time I send a child to school and make it breakfast, the first time I read the child bedtime stories, the first time I tuck it in, the first time a child crawls in my bed because it is afraid at night, the first time a child asks me any question to which I have no answer, the first time I see the child I raise laugh, the first time… not being mine biologically.
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Old 03-04-2015, 07:36 PM
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WinstonSmith WinstonSmith is offline
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TL;DR (for the complete story, please scroll up)

I’m ready to have children in the sense that I am emotionally stable enough, can afford it both time-wise and financially and have been wanting to have children for more than ten years. My partner and I have been together long enough, but due to a heavy phase of depression, diagnostics and neurological test and moving through three countries, I didn’t find the situation suitable.
Last year we have settled down in a country I’ve never lived (S.O.’s home country), and had to start working on myself after finally getting diagnosed, medicated and found good therapy (all in a foreign language). Meanwhile S.O. found another partner and has become serious with him too. I’ve met him three times now and she broke the news she wants to have children with both of us, but wants to bear his child first because of a “connection” they have and a “gut feeling”.
I am completely supportive of a poly-family, but find it difficult to experience her first pregnancy with another man, living with a child that is not biologically my own, dealing with my family (they both have a single-parent, smaller than average family, whereas I have 5 people in my closest family, 35+ members on 1 side, about 10 on the other side) and coming to grips with the fact that I have spent 6 years building for a future with my S.O. that I now have to put on hold, because she first wants to explore it with another man.
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Old 03-04-2015, 07:50 PM
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I see the purpose of being a parent as this: to love and nurture a child, to keep the child safe, and teach the child how to be a caring and productive member of society. Why does it matter whose DNA the child has?

To worry about who fathered someone's child first, or stupid things like whose name or bloodline is continued, is shallow and doesn't satisfy any useful purpose in relation to raising a child; it only satisfies your ego.

It takes a village to raise a child - remember that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-04-2015 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:03 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WinstonSmith View Post
Meanwhile S.O. found another partner and has become serious with him too. I’ve met him three times now and she broke the news she wants to have children with both of us, but wants to bear his child first because of a “connection” they have and a “gut feeling”. I am completely supportive of a poly-family, but find it difficult to [come] to grips with the fact that I have spent 6 years building for a future with my S.O. that I now have to put on hold, because she first wants to explore it with another man.
It seems to me that your SO's choice of mate is what is upsetting you, not that the child wouldn't have your DNA. People adopt kids all the time and love them thoroughly without issue and I suspect you would, as well. The problem here seems to be that your SO wants kids with this new guy right now and not with you. Your issue is with her choosing this new man over you, not with the baby's genetics.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 03-04-2015 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:15 PM
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WinstonSmith WinstonSmith is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I see the purpose of being a parent as this: to love and nurture a child, to keep the child safe, and teach the child how to be a caring and productive member of society. Why does it matter whose DNA the child has?

To worry about who fathered someone's child first, or stupid things like whose name or bloodline is continued, is shallow and doesn't satisfy any useful purpose in relation to raising a child; it only satisfies your ego.
Thank you for replying. I guess everyone has a different view on what they want from life, and everything you do is to satisfy your ego in my opinion. Claiming these things to be "stupid" and "shallow" is rather disrespectful in my opinion and I find it hard to see how your reply contributes to this topic. Basically, what you said to my emotional problems here is "What does it matter?". Well, maybe it doesn't for you, but maybe it does for others. Maybe you drive a fancy car, got married, value complete and utter freedom, grow your own food, have 17 cats... Who am I to say your choices are 'stupid' or 'shallow'?

How we feel about our relationship with children, and the other family and friends in its circle, does influence the child. So, a child can feel a more direct connection to people only for sharing a name, location, or blood-line. Again, thank you for reading, but your calling my worries "shallow" and stating "facts" seems rather narrow-minded to me. But, of course, your writing could also come across differently than you meant it, so if you feel like rectifying your statement I'm open for it : )

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Originally Posted by HappilyFallenAngel View Post
It seems to me that your SO's choice of mate is what is upsetting you - not that the child doesn't have your DNA. People adopt kids all the time and love them thoroughly without issue. The problem here seems to be that your SO wants kids with this new guy and not with you. Your issue is with her, not with the baby.
That's an interesting perspective, thank you for sharing.
My issue is indeed not with the baby, I'm sorry if it came across that way. It is not a problem for me to raise children that are not biologically my own, should I not be able to have any of my own (biologically speaking). The problem lies indeed in the fact that she wishes to have her first child with the "new" guy and not with me, and me being a part of a poly-family where I feel it would be more difficult for me to move.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:18 PM
Dragonlady Dragonlady is offline
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i am afraid i can not be to any real help in this matter, but have you already brought this up with your SO?
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Dragonlady View Post
i am afraid i can not be to any real help in this matter, but have you already brought this up with your SO?
I have. She sometimes says things in the vein of 'Whoever gets me pregnant first...' (our sex life is rather... absent, so yeah.), sometimes tries to give me rational reasons ('He told me I'd look beautiful pregnant the first time we were intimate' / 'He is a few years older than you and he would find it difficult being forty or older when his child is 5 or 7') and other times says 'It's him, because of just a gut-feeling'. A week ago it gave me the feeling nothing is set in stone, yet when he came by last weekend and we discussed it briefly again, they seemed to both be talking as if I had a choice of living with their proposal or leaving the relationship.

Her other partner and I have talked about it at some length too. He is completely understanding, also of the biological side and the fact that I feel I've worked so hard to be where I am with my S.O., but he ultimately stands at the argument that it is her decision and he would also accept whatever she chooses.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:33 PM
Dragonlady Dragonlady is offline
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I am talking from my point of vieuw now, what i would do (off course i am not you, but hey you ask advice and ponder about it and then take the action that sound the most logic)
I would take a moment to discuss it, talk it through. ask her to make up her mind. it feels to me that she doesnt really know what she wants or something.
That i feel left out, that you took a long time to build everything up and feel like you get pusshed aside, ask her how she would see everything.
if she sees you all living together in one house or seperate ect ect.
That would make her think thngs true more too. and go from there
Hope this makes some sense and helps

Sadly i am still wet behind the ear on alot of poly stuff, but i bet you get some other great pointers!
Hang in there!
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:39 PM
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Frankly, I suspect that if she has his child first, you won't have a chance to have your own with her. It sounds like they have a greater connection and better sex life than you do with her. She is making a DNA argument in his favor (he would find it difficult being forty or older when his child ...), but if DNA doesn't matter (and to most of us it does!), then why shouldn't yours have priority as you've been together longer. Maybe he won't even be in the relationship in a couple of years. Anyway, I question her commitment to her relationship with you, and that needs to be discussed before this decision is made. You need to decide what works for you, without simply caving to her wants.
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Old 03-04-2015, 09:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by central View Post
You need to decide what works for you, without simply caving to her wants.
Well, it's her body and her choice as to whom she wants to be impregnated by. He can't dictate what she does with her body. All the OP can do is choose whether or not to remain in the relationship and if he will co-parent a child fathered by someone else.

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Originally Posted by WinstonSmith View Post
The problem lies indeed in the fact that she wishes to have her first child with the "new" guy and not with me, and me being a part of a poly-family where I feel it would be more difficult for me to move.
Hmm, but why? WinstonSmith, I am curious -- would you be okay if, say, she had two children and yours was the first? Then you would be fine with co-parenting both kids as long as you got first dibs on her womb? Or do you not want to be involved with co-parenting his offspring at all, even though the mother is someone you love? What if you had met her and she already had a child with someone else, would you resent not being first at having fathered a child of hers? I'm just asking these questions to understand your logic system and reasons for your objection to it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-04-2015 at 09:25 PM.
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