Baby Steppin'

RunBabyRun

New member
I started keeping a blog prior to becoming a member of this site because I want to record the journey and remember it as it was, not worse or better. I also need and want advice and chastening when I spin off into left field. It is my hope that my husband, IDRider47, will read this blog and that it will help with our journey, bringing comfort and security when things get rough. Talking through things together is really helpful but to be able to go back and see things in writing will, I hope, add value to our face to face communication.

I’ll post these dated ones in one post and then add to it later.

6.6.2011
noon
Day 10

First some background. I’m an almost 40 year old heterosexual female who has been doing some extensive research on the origin of human sexuality. A few of my favorite books are “Sex at Dawn” and “The Myth of Monogamy”. Ethnographic research shows that monogamy is not a universal human trait and that culture is a powerful influencer of the expression of our sexuality. Autonomy and gender egalitarianism are both values of mine.

I am convinced that humans are not biologically designed as a monogamous species and that we have the capacity to love and sexually experience more than one person at a time. Polyamory makes perfect sense to me.

My husband, IDrider47 (Rider, henceforth), and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 teenagers. We’ve had our ups and downs but we are in a really good place. He’s an amazing human being and an extraordinary lover. We are well matched in most areas but I am more outdoorsy and physically active and I have interests that gross him out (forensic/biology stuff). I met someone at college who is active and is also shares my gross interests. I am attracted to him and I think he is attracted to me but I have not given him any indication of my attraction.

A little over a week ago I opened up a conversation with my husband about an open marriage. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours and he was open to it and we even had conversations about logistics, his curiosities and my needs. He says he doesn’t need an open marriage but it would give him the opportunity for variety that monogamy doesn’t provide. The benefit for me would be that I’d get to express lust for someone who is physically active and that I’d have someone to run, hike, etc. with and who I could tell all the dissection and death stories I wanted to without feeling like a weirdo.

So far, so good. (And let me say that the sex has been amazing this past week!) I can’t remember the last time I felt so close to him. The problem is that every day that we get closer to actually talking to other people and trying to find someone, the more the excitement and rational thoughts fade and the more the scary negative thoughts take over.

I have someone in mind but he doesn’t so it’ll take longer for him to find someone but we want to try to sync the timing up so that one of us isn’t left alone thinking about the other person getting fucked by someone else.

A few days ago my husband told me he created a profile on a poly dating site and sent a message to a local woman. The message was no big deal, really just a statement about how scary this is and how her picture was a nice one. He didn’t even expect a response. Nevertheless, I felt like throwing up because it made me so uneasy. I did look at her picture. It was a very challenging day for me but I processed and we talked it through. I rely a lot on my research and logical thinking and was able to rationalize it. There was no drama, tears or anything, it was just that I had to choose not to react in fear. We had a great day together.

As the days go on though I just feel sadness. I’m insecure and scared and last night I had a total meltdown. My rational mind says that this is perfectly natural and legitimate and that we are in a stable relationship. I hate jealousy because it indicates a sense of ownership. I do not own him and if he truly loves me, he will stay. Blah, blah, blah.... I know all this but now I am so afraid to lose him. I no longer think about the guy I was originally attracted to in an exciting way. I’m just not interested anymore.

But now, I’ve given my husband the idea of an open marriage and the possibilities and I feel like a total selfish monster for pulling back. He and I had come to the same thoughts that this isn’t right for us now but I feel like maybe he feels a bit cheated. He says he doesn’t but that novelty can only come with others (true).

I want autonomy. I want to be able to let go of him too and be secure but all I can do is cry. This sucks! But I want to grow as a person and I truly want him to be able to experience things he can’t with me. Please help with any advice you may have. I read Freetime’s thread today and it’s helpful to know that other newbies are feeling powerful emotions and have fears that this could ruin their marriages.

I asked my husband to take down the dating profile he had set up and, god love him, he pulled his computer out right there and deleted it. I didn’t mean right that exact minute but it demonstrates how committed he is to my comfort. I’m crying again as I write this because I am a bit ashamed, I wish I had let that desire simmer a bit because as insecure as I’m feeling I really do not want to be ruled by fear and I really do trust him. Arg!!! Today I am emotional but willing to just sit in it and try to go through it and not around it. Have I mentioned that this sucks?

Bottom line: talking about it in the abstract is exciting but as faces and names become attached I feel worse and worse. Abstract- good; specifics/actual- bad.

6.7.2011
8:35 AM
Day 11

It’s amazing what a few hours can bring. I’m back to considering this thing but going really slow. Talked to Rider and although he’s suffering from a bit of whiplash I think we will probably both put a profile on the poly dating site so we can chat with other polys and go from there. I just don’t want to be the person I was last night. I want to be secure and fearless and live with open arms.

6.8.2011
1:54PM
Day 12

We talked some more last night and I told Rider all the things I mentioned above. He said he was surprised by my strong flip. We decided that for now we are not looking for new relationships. We are just learning and looking for some poly friends who we can chat with and ask questions of. We both agree that mono friends may have strong negative reactions to this inquiry and possible lifestyle so for now we want to keep it to ourselves.

We are going to both create profiles on a poly dating site but we are only looking for friends. We mainly want to be able to live chat with people. We have agreed that the conversations cannot be of a dating nature and no sex talk (other than informational), i.e. no sex talk meant to arouse the receiver. We will be in the chat room together many times. No secrets. We are taking baby steps.

If we ever do this I want it to be done because we are as ready as we can be, not because we got sucked into something we can’t handle in the heat of all the excitement. This is especially a danger for me and I don’t want to have any regrets (well, that’s not possible so let me restate that, I want to have as few regrets as possible). We also agreed that we would sit on any decision for at least 24 hours to make sure it’s what we really want before making a change. This whole thing is a roller coaster and my meltdown the other night shows that my emotions can scream one thing while my rational brain whispers another. I don’t want to make and unmake decisions in a reactionary fashion.

I did ask Rider to stop wearing his wedding ring because for me it is a symbol of ownership and I want to see him as autonomous. It will also give him the opportunity to be approached by women and flirted with more than if he had it on. My ring doesn’t look like a wedding ring and people often don’t know I’m married until I mention my husband. We have children so we don’t want them to be alarmed. I am still wearing my ring (and probably always will since I am a jewelry person and my husband isn’t). It’s logical and doesn’t raise too many eyebrows. Today was his first day of not wearing it. I’ve got to say, I’m a little turned on by that (don’t know why-silly really).


6.9.2011
Day 13

I am so relieved that Rider suggested we slow down and take baby steps. I don’t feel any pressure and I’m able to just enjoy the good vibes my husband is throwing my way. It’s bliss and I can really appreciate him for who he is and how much he loves me. So, feeling great today.

I realize that I’m going to have to stretch myself and allow discomfort so I’m wondering what the next step is. I think it’s doing the dating profiles and having conversations with others that Rider and I aren’t necessarily privy to. We will each have to trust the other to abide by the rules, which I am truly not concerned about. Rider is the most solid person I know. I absolutely trust that he will abide by our agreement; nevertheless, he will be establishing friendships with women other than me and vice versa. That’s more than thinking someone looks nice from their picture! I’m ready for the new challenge though (haha, famous last words as I’m learning from all the other newbie posters). :)
 
Great posts! interesting blog with kind of a different twist than most I have read so far. I will be reading your story.

great tagline too!
 
I'm a newbie to this too and I will agree it's a roller coaster ride of emotions. my wife approached me and I agreed, we talked, but afterwards, I had second thought after second thought. fear, anger, jealousy, shame. I've felt them all and still do sometimes. she now has a bf, I'm still on the fence on whether to stay mono or not. the options are intriguing but, after being married and monogamous for almost 8 years, its a little daunting. I look forward to hearing your story. I would consider starting a blog myself, but I wouldn't keep up with it, I never do.
 
From Halting Baby Steps to Letting Things Flow

Thank you for your kind words, Morningglory629 and transitapparent.

Transitapparent, I can't image what it would be like to be in your shoes but I will tell you that your story and stories like it are extremely helpful because it highlights how this poly thing can be hurtful, even when not intended. Your perspective is an extremely important one and can't be overlooked. I wish you well.

6.11.2011
Day 15

Rider and I have posted several questions to the forum and have gotten some great feedback and different perspectives. Thank you, nycindie, GroundedSpirit, MonoVCPHG, and Magdlyn for your responses.

We had another great talk last night (between all the talking and the sex we can’t get more than 4 hours of sleep a night:)) and several short conversations today. We feel ready to let things happen organically. Rider told me that he is further along today than yesterday and he said he thinks if I have the opportunity to engage with someone else I should take it. I told him I felt the same. It was awesome. I didn’t even have a twinge of bad feelings. I think it’s because I’ve peeled another layer of the onion away (to borrow an analogy from one of the posts I read last week-sorry I can’t give credit to the original; I can’t remember where I saw it).

I’ve been working on owning my own emotional and spiritual stuff for the past few years and figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It’s been a great journey and I’m still maturing. I’ve added another list as it relates to this poly thing.

To future me for when I lose my way and forget why I’m doing this or when I’m tempted to back away from a challenge instead of grow through it. This is who you want to be.
1. I want to send Rider off on his dates with a kiss, a smile, and a “have a great time!” (and really mean it)
2. I want to welcome Rider home from a date with a kiss, a smile, and a “did you have a good time?” (and really hope he did)
3. I want to rest in the knowledge that Rider stays with me because he loves me and wants to be my partner in life, not because he is bound to me.
4. I want to live with open arms and an open heart.

So, that’s where we are today and I feel so at peace.

I’m leaving in a few days for a 10 day trip into the boonies and I’ll be completely out of communication, no phone, no computer, nothing. I wonder what I will come home to. Will it be to a happy husband who announces that he did _________ with another woman or will he have changed his mind or something else perhaps? Either way, it’s all good. I’m not afraid and it’s a powerful feeling. I’m so happy today and my heart is so full.

RunBabyRun
 
6.12.2011
Day 16

Well, we did it. We officially opened up our marriage. We figure we’re as ready as we’ll ever be so we’re just going to let things happen as naturally as possible.

We have only 3 rules.

This is really cool. Rider and I both agree that a long list of rules kind of goes against the whole open/poly ideal. That is, if this is about autonomy, trust, and not owning or controlling the primary’s choices, etc. then don’t a bunch of rules put you right back into that closed, controlling thought process? (Just our thoughts at this point)

It’s funny but I don’t really feel any different. I guess that’s because we had gotten to the same point in thinking in the past few days. The only thing we hadn’t done was to make it official.

I’m not excited, scared, or numb. I’m neutral. That’s good; it’s like it’s become a normal mode of thought. I’m not rushing into anything or looking to fill a hole. I’m 100% satisfied with Rider and if and when someone else comes along that could add to my life then I’ll add them.

I’m heading off for 10 days and it’ll be weird to not be able to talk to Rider at all while I’m gone, especially after all of these great marathon conversations. I can’t wait to come back home to him.
 
Let it begin....

Day 8 of being in an open marriage

Last week before I left on my trip I e-mailed the man I am interested in developing a deeper relationship with. He e-mailed me back and told me to call him to set up a time to get together when I got back. I called him today and we set up a hiking “date” for Wednesday. He’s supposed to get back to me with the details.

I’m nervous. I’m excited, but I’m very nervous. He doesn’t know how I feel or that I’m in an open marriage. I want to tell him so he can move forward with a deeper relationship if he is interested (we had chemistry when we met and when we talked before and after classes last semester).

I’m nervous about the potential rejection and I’m nervous that it’s going to put Rider in a weird position and I don’t want to hurt him. It’s just the newness and the fear of the unknown.

Well, here we go.....
 
First "date"

Thanks to Autumnal Tone, Meringue, Redpepper, NeonKaos, and River for you comments regarding my “nervous” post in the New to Polyamory section. It really helped. I have to also thank Rider (husband) for his wisdom and understanding. He gets me and soothed some of my nerves and concurred with Redpepper that I was/am way over-thinking.

So, yesterday we went on our hike. I wove the comment about having an open marriage into our conversation. Mr. X’s only response was, “What exactly does open marriage mean?”. I told him that it means that Rider and I both have the freedom to develop relationships with whomever we want and that we each choose what kinds of relationships they are, whether friendship or something more. Then we just continued with our conversation and it was not a big deal.

We hiked for nearly 4 hours and when I took him back to his apartment he invited me to take a dip in the pool. Since I didn’t bring a suit we sat on the edge and talked for another hour or so. It was really relaxed and fun.

I do feel a sexual attraction to Mr. X (it’s a slow burn, not a “I must take you now!” thing) and he did a few things that made me wonder if he was sort of flirting. I told Rider about it and he said yes, that Mr. X was making a step in my direction.

I hope that he is open to some kind of a friendship. I really like him as a human being and I’d really love to have a hiking, backpacking and mountain bike riding buddy. For some reason I want that person to be a guy. If he only wants to be friends I’m absolutely OK with that. Having said that, I would like to explore a physical relationship with him. I want to take it slow so that I make sure he’s serious about being a friend in the long run but I did find myself wondering what it would be like if he kissed me.

Rider was awesome about it. He called it a “date” but I’m not sure about calling it that. It was 2 friends getting together and talking where one of the friends has other things on her mind. Anyway, it’s really cool to be able to come home and tell my best friend how things went and to ask him for advice. So weird!

I feel like an 8th grader. I want to just blurt it out and say, “Do you like me?”, “Are you tempted to touch me?”, “What is going through your head because mine is spinning the whole time I’m around you wondering what you’re thinking?!” Geez this is nerve wracking and fun in that off-kilter kind of way. :)
 
Hi RunBaby,
Your blog is a really interesting read.

My husband and I opened our marriage about 8 months ago. We've shared many of the fears and excitement and questions and concerns that you have mentioned. We were sort of "forced" into poly when I fell in love with our neighbor, who was also my husband's friend. (After all we've been through, with the brutal honesty that poly has required, now my husband calls him his best friend.)

What especially interests me about your blog is your feelings about your husband's journey into non-monogamy. My husband has been 100% devoted to me since the day he met me (we've been married 12 1/2 years). I point out other girls to him, he always replies, "She's cute, but not as cute as you." I've always been so secure in his love for me (which is lovely, since my father moved away when I was 5 and security with men has always been a big issue for me).

Since opening our marriage, he has stopped wearing his wedding ring. He joined some dating/match sites, and started going out with a single guy friend of his on Friday nights, to meet women. It's weird! I want him to be happy -- I have NEVER been jealous, ever. But I worry now, what have I sent him into??? He didn't have much luck meeting women who interest him. He feels no one really compares to me. I know he's just trying out the whole poly thing, but I think he is sad that he's "out there," when he thought marriage meant the end of the dating crap.

Well, he has started texting a girl he met through business, and they are getting rather intense. I am thrilled for him! He reads me the texts and they are so sexy and clever with each other. Now I am seeing him through her eyes -- and it is making me hotter than ever for him! Even though sometimes I do get those little fears -- uh oh, will he grow to love her more than me? Will he leave me for her? I am not jealous, just a little scared of the unknown. It is definitely an adventure. But so far, we've really made the best of it, and grown so much closer.

Life is good. I see my bf about twice a week, while my husband is at work. We've settled into a nice routine, and we have gotten past a lot of the initial jealousy and fears.We are still happily married, my family is intact and I am feeling more authentic than ever. It's been worth it. I am glad to read your story, too. :)
 
So, yesterday we went on our hike. I wove the comment about having an open marriage into our conversation. Mr. X’s only response was, “What exactly does open marriage mean?”. I told him that it means that Rider and I both have the freedom to develop relationships with whomever we want and that we each choose what kinds of relationships they are, whether friendship or something more. Then we just continued with our conversation and it was not a big deal.

Ooooh!! I love how you spoke about it with him! "The freedom to develop relationships with whomever we want and . . . we each choose what kinds of relationships they are, whether friendship or something more." That's just a wonderful way of putting it -- your wording doesn't place an emphasis on sex and yet leaves things open to possibility. I likey! A very mature expression of what being "open" is, btw.

It was 2 friends getting together and talking where one of the friends has other things on her mind.
Oh, I bet there were two people with something else on their minds! ;)
 
Thank you

Carma,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I liked how you said, “what have I sent him into???”. Very funny and I totally understand. It’s going to be interesting to see how I react to Rider’s first real interaction with a real, live woman. I’m excited for him but I also expect to have to process some things. Rider processed my “date” yesterday really well and I am so overcome by his ability to do so. It inspires me. He was a model of understanding and I want to emulate his behavior when the time comes for me to do so. I’m with ya, girl....it is an adventure!

nycindie, Thank you!

Let me say that you were in fact the inspiration for the formulation of that verbiage. You gave Rider some excellent advice on his “poly breaking up a strong marriage” thread (in the General section). You bluntly said that he was thinking mono about some things and that he (and I) had some thing “bass ackwards”. I have to admit, at first I was a little defensive when I saw your comment, BUT he took it just the way you meant it and when he talked it through with me, a light went on. It was so great!!! This is all about autonomy for me and your wisdom has been instrumental in reforming my/our thought processes. I chose my words very carefully, “freedom” not “allowed to”, and as per Redpepper’s advice I left the other stuff open without focusing on a physical relationship. I’m pleased that you approve of my verbiage.

Haha, I sure hope you’re right about 2 friends having something on their minds. He’s killing me; he’s playing it really cool right now. I have NO clue where he stands. I wish I could read minds. :)
 
funny thing happened at the market today

So I went to the grocery store today and it was the first time I had gone since not wearing my wedding ring anymore. There was this very attractive man that made eye contact with me and smiled. I smiled back politely like I always do and as I passed him (we were going opposite directions) it dawned on me...OMG, you could flirt with that guy...I wonder if he was flirting with you....OMG, there are potential friends/relationships everywhere! If that guy chatted you up, you could ask for his number OR you could give him yours if he asked....I am pursuing a person I already know but it was so funny because it just dawned on me that I can do whatever the hell I want!!! This is fun!

Now, I think the next step is to get Rider to do all of our grocery shopping in the future. He might do very well for himself at the local grocery market!;)
 
it boggles me how much stock people put in whether or not someone is wearing a wedding ring. we don't have wedding rings, and it is not typically something i notice on other people. but i have noticed on this forum and elsewhere that other people are really hyper-tuned-in to this signal they send out to the world in the form of a little piece of metal on their hands.
 
Rider was awesome about it. He called it a “date” but I’m not sure about calling it that.

Well, of course it was a date! I have all sorts of dates. Some of them are warm dates and some are hot dates. The difference? Hot dates involve a good chance of steamy, romantic stuff happening; warm dates don't. So I have warm dates with friends, some of whom I'd rather take on a hot date.
 
Second Date

Whew! A few days after a lovely hiking date (initiated by me), Mr. X called me and asked me to join him on another hike and a climb. I’m feeling more at ease. I wondered how he was feeling about me telling him I was in an open marriage and if he was interested. Apparently he’s interested.

We went on this climb with a buddy of his. It was an aggressive climb and Mr. X wanted to make sure there were two people there to help me since this would be the first time I’d done anything like that. I definitely felt like it was a date though and, long story short...I think it was a kind of test to see if he wants to become involved with me.

I got to thinking about this whole open marriage/poly thing (I haven’t used the word “poly” with him yet) from an outsider’s perspective. This has to be kind of weird for him. I’m clearly attracted to him and I think he’s attracted to me but he’s taking things slow. I wonder what he’s thinking....is he unsure of his attraction? Is he hesitant because I am married and he may be unsure as to whether or not a secondary relationship is what he’s after? I can only imagine the thoughts that must be going through his head. Rider and I have already gone through the decision-making process of becoming poly and embracing it but Mr. X just kind of got pulled into this.
He has made comments that are encouraging to me. I think he’s working on wrapping his brain around this and that he’s interested. He hugged me when we parted yesterday. I don’t know if he wanted to kiss me or not. Like I said, his buddy was there so a first kiss in that situation would have been awkward.

Rider was great when I came home. He was worried for me that Mr. X’s buddy was going to be there. He thought that was a bad sign. Rider was pleased when I told him how it went and felt like things were progressing. Haha, I still can’t get over talking to my husband openly about someone else who I’m attracted to. I’ve even asked him for dating advice. Too weird and awesome at the same time. I really hope Rider finds someone very soon. He deserves to have some fun and I can’t wait to be on the flip side, giving advice.

Rider and I leave for almost 2 weeks tomorrow and I have a million things I must get done today but I’ve been awake since 2:30 AM thinking about Mr. X and how much I want to see him one more time before we leave. It’s 5 AM now and I’m waiting for Rider to wake up so I can ask him what he thinks about me calling Mr. X and asking to see him for an hour or so this morning.

We’ve only been out together twice, the first time was as friends and I dropped the open marriage thing on him. Yesterday we had his buddy along so we didn’t talk about anything relationship wise. I don’t even know if Mr. X told his buddy anything about me. I really want to be with Mr. X again before I go but I also want to offer to answer any questions he may have about this whole thing. Maybe some communication will be a good thing and he can think about what we talked about while I’m away. I just don’t want to scare him off.

He’s baby steppin’ too and I appreciate that. I am relieved that he hasn’t just tried to get me in bed since he knows that’s an option. I’m not interested in being a conquest. I want a friendship with this man. I also want a physical relationship. I want both, but if he’s not interested (for whatever reason) in both, I want to have him as a friend. Pushing too hard could ruin that.

I have to say that I am so grateful for the process so far. Rider is amazing and after reading so many stories of people whose spouses haven't been supportive, or who themselves are struggling with their spouses request for a poly marriage, I realize that I am lucky/blessed/whatever. When I brought up non-manogamy to Rider it could have been a really bad thing for him but he really took it well, processed things and we talked through it all. I still expect bumps but we both agree that we can't see ourselves ever going back.
 
Here we go....

6.27.2011
10:35 PM

Here we go.....

I decided to follow my own advice and go for what I want. I wanted to see Mr. X (I’m going to call him E from now on) today; I wanted lay it all out. I wanted to get some relief from the all-consuming thoughts. So, I called him once a reasonable hour of the morning arrived. He agreed to see me.

It’s always awkward for me to start these types of conversations because I like to just lay it all on the table and sort it out later. It’s so undignified and messy, no glossy sound bites or well-scripted phrasing. It works for me though so I did just that with E. I told him that I feel like there is chemistry between us and has been since we first met. I told him that I want more than friendship but that what I want most is the friendship. I told him that I appreciated the fact that it’s complicated and I can understand if he just wants to be friends. I emphasized that fact that he was exactly the kind of friend I wanted and that I really want to keep him in my life in whatever way he was comfortable with. I told him I didn’t want anything from him, he didn’t owe me anything and I wasn’t issuing any ultimatums.

Long story short, he seemed really hesitant and I got the impression that he wanted to work on the friendship part for now. We shifted into that mode and were just standing on a bridge talking about biology stuff when he kissed me. I don’t know what changed his mind, maybe me taking all the pressure off of him but whatever it was, I was totally surprised. It was really good too.

One of the coolest things was that while we were kissing I was completely free of any guilt or anxiety. I knew Rider would be OK and that he would be supportive (he was).

Here’s the snag..... E’s living arrangement leaves much to be desired and we have almost no privacy. Sleepovers are out of the question. Because we both love to hike and camp and he knows so many great places to go, he suggested that we go out of town together for a few days when I get back. I really want to do that and I think it would be good to have privacy and an opportunity to cement the relationship (not sure how Rider’s going to feel about that one though).

And another thing....I had to leave E shortly after only about an hour because I had an appointment and I got on a plane the next day headed for our family vacation. E and I won’t even see each other again for 2 weeks.
 
First issues/learning to do this

7.4.2011
Rider was OK when I told him E and I kissed for the first time. He asked if it was exciting to me and I told him it was. He assumed that when we get back from our vacation it won’t take long before E and I sleep together. He requested to be told when that happened (just the 1st time so he can stop thinking about it and anticipating it). I agree that that is fair.

I did tell E that our relationship is separate from mine and Rider’s and that he can expect privacy between us with the exception of our rule that if Rider asks me a direct question I will answer honestly. He seemed to find that equitable.

So, Rider and I have been on vacation for a week now and E and I have been apart. I’ve had some emotional ups and downs due to a lack of reliable cell and email communication but Rider has been a good sport and helped me find hotspots so I can check and send e-mail.

The thing is, E was went camping and didn’t answer some e-mails for several days. I took it as a bad sign and was really bummed. I asked Joe to stop calling him my boyfriend because I felt like that may have been a leap and that I may have misinterpreted some of E’s statements and what the kissing meant. But within a few days, E answered me back and told me he’d been out of town. His messages were boyfriendish and I was happy again. Now Rider is having a rough time of it. I think my backing off of my expectations and excitement offered him a reprieve from having to think about the impending sex but now he senses that things are getting more serious.

He’s been really great and he’s acted in a poly way even though he’s feeling mono emotions. BUT today has been rough. He said it’s been harder for him because he doesn’t have work or anything to occupy his thoughts and displace the thoughts of me having sex with another man.

A few days ago he said that he’s not ready for me to go out of town with E. He’s OK with a day trip but not overnight. I get it but that is a real problem for us. Where are we supposed to go? I’d really like for our first time to not be a quickie in the woods somewhere and hiking into a quiet spot and setting up a tent only to spend several hours in it just for that purpose is weird. We’ll both be sweaty and it’s hotter than hot this time of year, no bathroom access, etc.... It sucks not to have a place to go. Camping for a night or two is way better because we can pick a good spot that gives us everything we need (it’s not as good as an indoor place but it’d be something we’d both enjoy).

I have two problems, I have a husband who is suffering and I can’t seem to help him or comfort him and I have a strong desire to spend at least one night with my new whatever you want to call him. I know E really wants to take me somewhere too so I have that pressure.

Here’s what I think may be the perfect solution. E and I take our RV up to the mountains and have 2 days and 1 night together. Rider and the kids can come up after E leaves and we can all have family time. I’ve gone camping for a few days like that before so it wouldn’t raise any red flags with our kids. E and I would have privacy, comfort and facilities. It kind of meets everyone in the middle except that Rider will still be laying awake that night with visions in his head. Ack! I don’t know what to do. I want at least one day and one night of uninterrupted time with E AND I want Rider to be OK and not feel excluded or rejected or whatever bad feelings he’s feeling. I want to be sensitive to his needs while taking care of mine and E’s. Advise anyone?! (I’m posting this question on the “New to Polyamory” board too).

I wish Rider had a good lead on a woman he could pursue. He’s stalled right now and it’s bumming him out.
 
Here’s what I think may be the perfect solution. E and I take our RV up to the mountains and have 2 days and 1 night together. Rider and the kids can come up after E leaves and we can all have family time. I’ve gone camping for a few days like that before so it wouldn’t raise any red flags with our kids. E and I would have privacy, comfort and facilities. It kind of meets everyone in the middle except that Rider will still be laying awake that night with visions in his head. Ack! I don’t know what to do. I want at least one day and one night of uninterrupted time with E AND I want Rider to be OK and not feel excluded or rejected or whatever bad feelings he’s feeling. I want to be sensitive to his needs while taking care of mine and E’s. Advise anyone?! (I’m posting this question on the “New to Polyamory” board too).

Is the RV your's and Rider's or E's? If it's your's and Rider's, I suspect Rider might have a problem joining you in the same space/bed where you just had sex with E less than 24 hours before. I realize that you are excited and really want this, but if seems that your pushing a bit.
 
I agree with SNeacail. Wanting something very badly, and it being a good idea are two different things. I know this is not true for everyone, but for all of us - my boyfriend, husband and me - it really helped to take our time and baby step the whole sex process. It cemented my new relationship, while not threatening my old one. Plus, once we did finally do it, I had very little (aka no) anxiety that my boyfriend was with me only for the sexual component / experience. And, finally, because we waited so long, when it did happen it was hot as all hell.
 
Primary Freaking Out Bad!

Here's an update on what's been happening (below). These are copies of posts I put in the "New to Polyamory" section. You can look for it there if you'd like to read the excellent feedback (aka ass kicking) I got there. For any of you new to this or considering this, there are some really great people on this forum who give excellent advice.

It was a very, very dark day for Rider yesterday (see his threads and blog) but we've had a breakthrough. Today has dawned a new day and things are slowing down and back on track.

7.13.2011
1 month and 1 day into open marriage
SOS post

OK, so quick background....my husband, IDRider47 and I opened our marriage a month ago. It was a good, well thought out and talked through decision but the idea was mine. I’ve been thinking about this for months now (see our blog posts if you want more info). I had someone in mind; he didn’t have anyone at that point.

So, my relationship with E (my now boyfriend) has progressed to the point where we slept together for the first time a few days ago. Rider is freaking out. He’s had several meltdowns over the past 2 weeks and I have to admit some of them where not helped by my NRE insensitivity. Rider is seriously considering wanting to close the marriage.

I had originally said that if it wasn’t working for one of us then we would close it. He had originally said that he didn’t think we could unring the bell and that he believed I needed this, where he was content to be mono but poly opened up some interesting opportunities for him.

I love Rider SO much but unfortunately, he was right. I need this. E is not an experiment, he is a real person and I care for him very much. Rider is trying very hard to say and do the “right” things and be poly minded but he is suffering miserably. Everything in his life sucks right now (except our sex life). He can’t sleep, etc...he’s going under.

Rider has talked about closing the marriage, finding a way to survive him being mono and me being poly (this option doesn’t seem to offer relief to his suffering) or ending the marriage. This frightens me. Why end the marriage? Why can’t he believe and accept that I love him and that I want to be married to him? Why does it have to be all or nothing? He asks me why I couldn’t have just been content with our very good marriage....he asks why I can’t be now.....

We did have a very good marriage. The only thing he wanted was more sex. Our sex life was always good but he wanted more. Now we have sex 1-4 times a day and he’s totally sexually fulfilled. So, I ask again.....why can’t he accept that I love and want to be with him and bask in the sex? Nothing has changed between us. I still love him just as much. I still want to be married to him just as much AND we’re having the frequency of sex he wants. The only change is that I have E on the side who I can crash around in the mountains with and who I enjoy having sex with. Don’t get me wrong, E and I are more than FWB but the point is, E takes nothing from Rider except the occasional times when we will want to do things when I would normally have been with Rider.

Rider cannot be everything I need even if I could be everything he needs. I like to crash around in the woods, sweat and be really active; it’s not him. It is E. Why can’t he love me enough to let me have that and be confident enough in my love for him that he can freely give me some time with E.
Rider is really struggling and says I’m being insensitive to him by spending time with E. Rider wants me to choose to stay with him instead since he’s suffering. I told Rider that I was planning to go hiking with E today while he was at work and then I get a text from Rider saying that he’s coming home from work early because he just can’t handle all of this. I had already made plans with E. Now I have to be in the position again of denying myself the time I want and need to nurture this very new relationship and have to cancel on E OR go do what I was planning and want to do with E.

Here’s my dilemma- I need this open marriage thing. Is it selfish? What can I do to help Rider? I have recommended FreeTime’s thread to him because FreeTime suffered so much in a similar situation. I feel like it’s just going to take time and Rider needs to breathe through it (yep, I know, sounds insensitive I know!). It’s only been 3 weeks since E and I started seeing each other and 2 of those weeks I was out of town. This is SOOOO new.

If every time Rider has a rough day I drop everything to come home or I stay home, he won’t be forced to overcome these hurdles. I want and need to help him but I don’t want to prolong the pain. I’m at a loss and I just want the drama to end and for things to be settled.

Please help!!!!!

7.13.2011
Thank you

Thank you all for your comments. One of the things I love about this forum and its members is that no one pulls any punches. I knew I’d get good comments and that if I was wrong you’d all tell me to pull my head out of my ass....well, I hope you heard the big popping sound....head extracted successfully- thank you all very much!

I had a good talk with E today and then read these comments and talked to Rider when I got home. E is very understanding and sympathetic to Rider and I heard you all loud and clear- slow down!!!

Rider and I are about to write down a few boundaries that apply for a short time while he gets comfortable with this whole thing. I’m sure you all can see that he’s an amazing person and I’d like to say for the record that I am extremely lucky to be married to a man who is willing to work with me through the pain, pain I’ve inflicted upon him.



You are all awesome! Thank you for your criticism, advice, wisdom, and compassion.

NeonKaos, you made us laugh! We’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks so no, we haven’t been working or going to school or anything. It’s actually pretty easy to do...morning sex, breakfast, shower, after shower sex, lunch, nap, groggy afternoon sex, dinner, sex. Bang, 4 times! If we averaged about an hour per session that left us plenty of time in the day to fight with family members at our reunion/vacation. See, easy peezy.

Chimera, the trick is lots of lube. I guess it’s like anything, you build up a tolerance. ;)

Take care all and thanks for turning a really shitty day in a really productive day and one that even included some humor.
 
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