Hello! And, on the verge of my first poly relationship.

Qarzan

New member
I joined this site a few years ago, made one thread asking for advice. Basically, I was curious about polyamory and how to make it work. As I've explained to other friends, at that time I actively tried to "fit myself into the mold" of polyamory. Since then, I've really just chilled out about it, done what comes naturally to me, and let other people decide whether or not I'm polyamorous from their point of view.

Now I think I actually am on the verge of my first polyamorous relationship. It's with a woman [MR] (30/f), that I (35/m) met about 3 weeks ago. I was extremely attracted to her, and I did my best to show that I liked spending time around her. She is a very direct, open and honest communicator, so she asked first, "What is this?"

I gave the most honest answer I could, "I don't know. I don't know what this is, but I can tell you what I'm looking for." I told her I was looking for a serious, long-term relationship, which to me meant one year or more. She said that she can do that. And that was the start.

She said she's known she was polyamorous since she was 14 years old. She went on to explain what polyamory was, which I already knew since I have polyamorous friends, and also my sister is polyamorous, but I let her say everything she wanted to say because maybe there was something different in there.

All-in-all, we are very honest with each other, and she loves that about me; she says it's rare and refreshing to find someone who can communicate so clearly. I've repeated the same to her.

I believe my words are powerful, and I can accomplish things with declarations, commitments, and promises. I often scare people away with how direct and honest I am. My straightforward requests are often met with concerned phone calls about, "Are you upset with me?" My response is usually, "No, I'm just being direct and clear with what I want."

So, I've never been in a polyamorous relationship before. I also don't know if I'm polyamorous. And I'm scared. I sent her an email last night about how I felt; my feelings of fear, but also that I don't let my fear control my actions. One of the values I've chosen for myself is courage, which to me means "feel your fear, and act anyway." A friend of mine told me something that I feel sums up how I feel about fear: fear lets you know how important something is; the more afraid you are, the more important it is that you take action. I've relayed all this to her in the email.

We've confirmed to each other, that we both really like what's happening between us; it's rare, refreshing, and wonderful. She wants to take things slow because she knows I'm going to stick around (not a one-night stand, not out to "just get in her pants" as she says).

She has two other men that she's seeing, one of whom I'm acquainted with, and another I'd consider a friend. I'm confronted by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, also fear. I know these are created by me, that I can choose whether or not to make those feelings my reality, or to choose another reality. The fact is that I feel them, and I'm scared.

I suppose the point of this initial post is to announce myself, and put myself on your radar, because in the future I may need a place to express myself, clear my thoughts, and organize my feelings. Any initial suggestions or advice are welcome. Thank you.
 
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I don't have advice or suggestions. I just want to say that I think how open and honest you are, especially in this situation is refreshing. I would like to think I prescribe to the same philosophy, but don't always succeed. I say keep it up, your on the right track. Ok, maybe, I do have a bit of advice. I think (in my own experience of course) I knew I was poly when I had the same amount of love and care for two people at the same time and didn't feel any guilt or fear about it. But that's just me. Hope to hear more from you on here. :)
 
Thank you, Verona.

Although being honest and open about my feelings is scary, I do it anyway. Of course, I'm afraid of things being taken the wrong way, or saying the wrong thing, or the other person making judgments about me and the way I feel. But I've also found that, when I do bring up the courage to just say what I feel, the opposite happens: bonds strengthen, defenses crumble, love overwhelms.

I have been in a situation where I felt love and care for two women at the same time. And I didn't feel any guilt or fear, since they both knew what was going on. At the same time, I interpreted the situation as me dating two women at once, and not that I was in two serious relationships at the same time.

One of my friends clarified what polyamory meant for her:

1) The most basic level is to be able to have feelings for more than one person at a time.
2) The next more involved level is whether you are able to manage your feelings about your loved one(s) spending time on romantic partner(s) other than you.
3) The highest level is whether you are willing to put just as much time and effort into making sure everyone involved (you, your partner(s) and your metamour(s)) is ok with what's happening.
 
I'm kind of freaking out right now because she's out in the woods with a few hundred dancers. (We met through partner dancing)

These events are known for lots and lots of sex that happens. She has texted me that she feels really at ease, and it's so hot that everyone's walking around naked. My first reaction was, "Hey, that sounds awesome! I'm so glad you're having a good time."

And then my insecurities set in, overanalysis began: "Hold on, she's out in the woods, camping, with a few hundred horny dancers. It's hot and they're all stripped down naked..."

However, she has told me in conversation, while explaining what polyamory meant to her, that there are some people that just use it as an excuse to sleep with as many people as possible. She said it in a derogatory way, making me feel like that was not her meaning or practice of polyamory.

Also, she's very flirtatious, although I personally know some men, who she's very flirtatious with, that have tried to make moves on her only to have her turn them down.

I think I'm just freaking out because things are new, we haven't had things defined yet, and I don't know how things work with her yet. I feel like these are typical for any new relationship, whether polyamorous or not. Maybe I should just accept that this is part of a new relationship, and doesn't mean anything more than that.

I'm going out to the woods to meet her on Saturday. I'm performing with my dance group on Saturday evening, then my group and I were going to all come back together on Sunday afternoon. When I told her this, she told me she didn't want me to go back with my group; she wanted me to stay in her tent with her, and she wanted to drive back with me. I said, "I'll make it happen."
 
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Naked dance parties sure are a great way to meet new people, that is a thing.
 
Yes, I went to one last year. It's basically dance classes during the day, dancing at night. The actual intent is to learn and share dance skills, and then dance at night. Nakedness happens mainly during the day when it's hot, skinny dipping in a nearby creek or lake to cool off, that sort of thing. It's been described as "Burning Man, for dancers."

Last year I went to learn and improve my dancing. This year I'm going because I'm performing.

She brought her 3-year old daughter to this one, and said she likely won't go to any classes because she needs to keep an eye on her daughter. Understandable.
 
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But you think she might still hook up for sex? Or is that not the case?

I didn't realize children were around during these events. The dance oarjeez i have been at have all been adults-only.
 
Naked dance parties sure are a great way to meet new people, that is a thing.

Nakedness happens mainly during the day when it's hot, skinny dipping in a nearby creek or lake to cool off, that sort of thing. It's been described as "Burning Man, for dancers."

I didn't know that nakedness happens at Burning Man and dance camps/parties in the woods.

I am picturing a whole lotta jiggling going on...
 
Nakedness happens at burning man, but there is no water to jump into. Gross.
 
Yeah, some people who have kids bring them to the recess (it's called a "dance recess"). And the whole idea that she has her daughter there leads me to believe there is a lot less sexy times going on for her than if her daughter were not there. Again, the main purpose to these recesses is taking dance classes, sharing dance skill, and dancing (ie- structured partner dancing; not contact improv, not ecstatic dance).

But, even if she does hook up with someone, we didn't have any agreements to the contrary, so the way I see it, no harm no foul.
 
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Just came back from the recess. Even though I was there for only 24 hours, it was an amazing experience. Yes, there was nudity. Yes, sex was happening. No, it wasn't a 24/7 all-out orgy. The atmosphere was mellow and family-friendly.

One of the other men she's seeing was there. I performed my dance choreography on Saturday evening with my performance group, and then he played immediately after. He plays violin, and mixes it with electronic loops. Things were awkward whenever he was near, whether or not [MR] was with me.

The amazingness happened right near the end, though. One of our mutual friends offered to have a "human car wash" with her. Right before we left, four of us stripped down and crammed into one tiny shower stall. She was in the middle, and the other 3, including me, another man, and another woman, surrounded her. Each of us soaped ourselves (and each other) up and down, and then wiggled our bodies back and forth as she stood between all of us and was, well, washed by our soaped up bodies. The feeling was super friendly.

The enlightenment came when I saw the look on her face. She had an expression of pure joy. I got the feeling in my heart that I would do anything to see her that happy; that her happiness meant more to me than my own fears and possessiveness.

On the drive back, we talked about things. I read the email I sent to her, since she hadn't read it yet, which admitted that I was afraid, but that fear doesn't stop me from doing things. I also said that much of my insecurity around polyamory stems from the fact that I have no set definitions for it; how do we act at dance venues? How do we act at dance events? How do we act when a metamour is present? All of these things were undefined, and my insecurity and fear are caused by a lack of knowledge, or as she put it, a "lack of precedence."

She made the reciprocal commitments to honesty and integrity that I had asked her to make in my email.

She assured me that my insecurity and fear were completely normal for a poly relationship, and the beginning of every poly relationship starts with the definition of terms and boundaries. She also said that she has a hard rule that she doesn't get involved with non-poly people, and she's making a huge exception for me simply on the basis that I communicate so clearly and directly with her. I felt very special.

We ended the drive back with a frantic makeout session. I now have the feeling that I am completely capable of handling this as a polyamorous relationship.
 
[MR] and I had a nice long, 2-hour conversation last night, talking about expectations and context. I got a much better idea of what her version of polyamory is. Basically, she doesn't believe in heirarchy, and will spend time with me when she chooses to.

I told her that I might need some hand-holding, and then asked if she was up to the task, to which she replied, "I'm still thinking about that." So I decided to take control over my own foray into polyamory.

I took ownership of it, decided that I wasn't going to depend too much on [MR], not out of spite, but because of the uncertainty she expressed; I would feel insecure latching onto someone who was unsure if she could offer the support I needed. So I called some of my poly friends, and my sister who is also poly. I asked them to be my support group, and that I'd call them to help me sort through new experiences and feelings. All but 2 (of 7) have responded and agreed to this.

And then I announced to an online group that I was entering my first poly relationship, and expressed interest in the next community meetup.

All in all, I feel I have much more power and control. I feel secure and independent, able to stand on my own, without having to burden [MR] with my own issues too much. I have support when I need it, and can let my relationship with [MR] truly be whatever it's going to be, without this need to get my sense of security and stability from her as well.
 
Ok, I need some advice and/or support here, guys.

Last night was the first night that [MR] and I tried to have sex. I couldn't get an erection, I was too "in my head," as she said. She was lovely and said, "Let's adjust expectations, and just cuddle naked together. If anything else happens, that's great."

It was wonderful spending the night with her, and in the morning I told her, "Orgasms would have been nice." After I left, I sent her a facebook message about it. I didn't want to say anything that morning because her roommate was there, and also she had to get her daughter ready to go to a birthday party.

Basically, this is not a new thing to me. Every time I start a sexual relationship with a new partner, I have a period of anxiety and difficulty with sex. After a few orgasms, though, something happens and sex happens very easily. I'm certain this is 100% psychological, because once I'm near someone that I'm sexually familiar with, erections are suddenly very easy to get and maintain.

Another large factor is performance anxiety, which is typical for my first few times with one woman. However, I feel it's particularly strong with [MR] because it's my first polyamorous relationship; I'm mentally comparing myself to her current lovers, not past lovers: I know she was with one lover on Wednesday, a different one on Thursday, and then me on Friday. I feel like it's a competition; not necessarily that I want to think of it this way, but it seems to be the center of my anxiety.

I hope to continue to work on this with her. I've already started discussion about it, and I feel that there's a psychological trigger that gets set once I have several orgasms with her; I think the flood of orgasmic hormones creates a bond and psychological association between her, and orgasms. After that, it should be smooth sailing.

Anyways, wanted some support, advice and/or anecdote if you can provide it. Thank you!
 
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I think you are over thinking things, not just about the sex part, but about the whole relationship. It seems like you are approaching this as some sort of work project, with your support group, and even calling you sexual exploits with her 'work'.

There are no set definitions, there are no securities and guarantees. This could be said about any relationship, but probably even more so about a relationship structure like poly that is completely new to you.
I'm 4 years into my poly life and not a day goes by that I don't think 'what the hell am I doing? where's the manual?'

Try to relax, about everything. Get to know her, don't involve a whole group of friends in this. Your friends should be there for you if you need them without you formally inviting them to be your support system.

Have fun!
 
I think you are over thinking things, not just about the sex part, but about the whole relationship. It seems like you are approaching this as some sort of work project, with your support group, and even calling you sexual exploits with her 'work'.

There are no set definitions, there are no securities and guarantees. This could be said about any relationship, but probably even more so about a relationship structure like poly that is completely new to you.
I'm 4 years into my poly life and not a day goes by that I don't think 'what the hell am I doing? where's the manual?'

Try to relax, about everything. Get to know her, don't involve a whole group of friends in this. Your friends should be there for you if you need them without you formally inviting them to be your support system.

Have fun!

Thanks for the reminder. Yeah, I probably have been overthinking it. It's so hard to turn off my brain when I'm facing something new and unknown, though.

But yes, relax and clear my mind, and also just take it easy.

EDIT: [MR] said that she does want me to tell her everything that's going on my mind, though, even before I can even identify what it is or where it's coming from. This gives interactions between us a very raw, unfiltered feel, as I'm already a pretty self-aware person. She has also stated that she's aware this might be considered "over-communication" by some. In either case, if she says that's what she wants, that's what I'm going to do until I feel otherwise.
 
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