Cheating vs. Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

DH has encountered the issue with meeting females in bar/social situations who are all over the idea of seeing/hooking up with him, as long as they think it's cheating. Once he mentions that I know, and that I'm okay with it, then they're not interested . . . Why do you think people act like that about the cheating vs. poly admission?
The first thing that pops up in my mind is that, if a guy is married and cheating, it would seem more likely that he wouldn't have as many partners as a guy who has permission. Of course, that's not necessarily true, but it takes so much time and energy to run around on the sly and keep secrets. So, if everything's out in the open, there's the notion that it's a free-for-all happening all the time and the guy is just getting some wherever and whenever he wants. So if someone very conditioned toward monogamy is worried about STDs or competing with others' affections, they'd probably rather do a married cheater than a poly guy.
 
So, if everything's out in the open, there's the notion that it's a free-for-all happening all the time and the guy is just getting some wherever and whenever he wants. So if someone very conditioned toward monogamy is worried about STDs or competing with others' affections, they'd probably rather do a married cheater than a poly guy.

Shoot, I wish that were the case. I am, however, old, fat, and cranky. So, while the idea of a harem at my beck and call is enticing, it is so far removed from even being a possibility that I find the notion ludicrous. I have to wonder how anybody could gaze upon the...um, magnificence that is me and think such wonderful decadence would involve me.

<sigh> Babes wearing barely anything. Fruit and chocolate to munch on. Cozy piles of pillows and blankets. Bottles of mead and champagne freely flowing. Oh, it would be so good....
 
Shoot, I wish that were the case. I am, however, old, fat, and cranky. So, while the idea of a harem at my beck and call is enticing, it is so far removed from even being a possibility that I find the notion ludicrous. I have to wonder how anybody could gaze upon the...um, magnificence that is me and think such wonderful decadence would involve me.

<sigh> Babes wearing barely anything. Fruit and chocolate to munch on. Cozy piles of pillows and blankets. Bottles of mead and champagne freely flowing. Oh, it would be so good....

I can totally picture you with a harem. IN the olden days of the Roman Empire, being fat meant you were a man of means and if you could afford to sit around and eat, you could afford to keep attractive women at your beck and call, either slave-girls or elite courtesans. I realize this isn't the same as a polyamorous harem, but being fat doesn't mean you can't be DECADENT.
 
I went on a date with a guy and he was ok with me dating some one else. But he'd already been introduced to poly...so I guess he doesn't count. Sadly, there wasn't much chemistry. I know that I struggled feeling guilty about dating a married guy for awhile. Now I'm mostly ok. Just if they're having a fight or disagreement, I'll worry that it's my fault. Or if A seems down, I'll worry that it has something to do with me. Luckily, they have other problems besides me. And I doubt that 'problem' is the word they'd use to describe me anyway.
 
I went on a date with a guy and he was ok with me dating some one else. But he'd already been introduced to poly...so I guess he doesn't count. Sadly, there wasn't much chemistry. I know that I struggled feeling guilty about dating a married guy for awhile. Now I'm mostly ok. Just if they're having a fight or disagreement, I'll worry that it's my fault. Or if A seems down, I'll worry that it has something to do with me. Luckily, they have other problems besides me. And I doubt that 'problem' is the word they'd use to describe me anyway.

Mr. A used to get quite worried about discussions Indigo and I would have. At first, they were "transitioning to poly" discussions and while they weren't about him specifically, I could understand his fear. But he was never the focus of these talks; it was poly in general. I always told him, if it wasn't him, it'd be someone else experiencing the growing pains.

Now, he will ask me if everything is alright when Indigo texts me. Everything is fine; Indigo's usually telling me about the pets or asking a question about house stuff, or just sending texts into the ether for me to read when I want.

He struggled with the guilt, too. We took Mono's advice. When Indigo was comfortable, he made friendship overtures to Mr. A and has since welcomed him whole-heartedly in our home. It was much more difficult for him to feel like the other man when he had a rapport with Indigo.
 
TWhy do you think people act like that about the cheating vs. poly admission? What are your experiences with it? Have you ever lied and said you were cheating just to get some action? (DH wouldn't go that route, just curious about the experience of others.) If so, how did it end up?

Very entertaining and humorous thread!:)

But to visit the main topic I can answer this question from a non-poly viewpoint because I have never been in a poly relationship... but I have dated married men in the past who were cheating.

The reason I dated married men: (and more than one at a time) was that I could have my needs met and also maintain my autonomy. (So I am thinking... is autonomy the the right word?)

Autonomy: Dictionary.com: independence or freedom, as of the will or one's actions: the autonomy of the individual.

Yep its the right word.:D

To continue: Why date more than one married man at a time?

1. Because a married man usually did not have enough free time to spend with me.

2. At the time, I was not interested in getting married.

3. I liked the variety.

Back to the O.P.'s question.

If I had met a married man who made it a point to say that he was polyamorus, first I would ask him what that meant. (At that time they simply said they were in an "open marriage." The term Polyamory had not been common or used then.

The reason I would not have been interested in that then, is because "open marriage" often translated as "we are swingers" or "wife swappers" and I was not looking for that, not into group sex or orgies or a same sex relationship.

I have changed a lot since then. I eventually stopped dating married men because I had no respect for their dishonesty. At that point if a married man would ask me out, I would tell them, "only if its okay with your wife." :D

Today, if I met a married man who wanted to date me and he said his wife approved of him seeing other women, I might want to meet his wife to confirm that. (But not because I am interested in a threesome, or in his wife as a sexual partner.)
 
Last edited:
Today, if I met a married man who wanted to date me and he said his wife approved of him seeing other women, I might want to meet his wife to confirm that. (But not because I am interested in a threesome, or in his wife as a sexual partner.)
yes I would highly suggest that... you don't have to be best buds or have sex together, but just knowing she knows is good enough... it's not excellent in my opinion because really poly seems to work best if metamours are friendly and working together as a team to construct the time needed to make sure everyone is happy. It takes a huge weight off your shared love too.

I had a really crap experience with a married man that said his wife knew. We feel in love and then he abruptly ended it because his wife found out. He must of told her that he never loved me because she emailed me a year later and said she was sorry that she had pulled the rug out from under me, and knows now that her husband needed more sex and that they were working on that by inviting women into their relationship.... I was heart broken all over again and wrote back that actually, no.... he had said he loved me and it was more than sex. I explained poly to her and that we had talked about it. She respectfully wrote back that she thought I was very brave and that it wasn't for her and that she was not looking to start up something with me in terms of her hubby.... more hurt.... I wrote to him and said "WTF!" and he didn't write back. I told her she could write if she wanted to discuss poly as a concept but that I have moved on....

Ya, check! I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. She hurt, I hurt, he hurt... totally not worth the NRE and NRE sex that comes with it... the memory of that lasts a short time when the pain of cheating is piled on. I prefer pure experiences of love and connection... getting in touch with the wife of a man that says he wants to start something is kind of awkward but far less of a emotional situation that the result of cheating... it shows good integrity to respect others and honour their relationships anyways... that brings nothing but good stuff I think.
 
This. When I tell some people that we'd agreed we can both see other people, the reaction from some of them is along the lines of "That's great! When can I do you?".


This. I have a friend from high school whose going through a divorce and knows I'm poly. He quotes the open and honest communication thing and then practically begs to get in my pants and since I've said no he assumes that I'm seeing someone else (I am but its not any of his business) and since I won't tell him who it is (again none of his business) he assumes its someone he knows and therefore needs to prove to me that he's better, more powerful, whatever than them. Wolf and Wendigo had a good laugh at this, but we've also stopped letting him drink at our house because he thinks that since I'm poly I won't mind if he sticks his hand in places it doesn't belong and that Wolf will be okay with it.
 
This. I have a friend from high school whose going through a divorce and knows I'm poly. He quotes the open and honest communication thing and then practically begs to get in my pants and since I've said no he assumes that I'm seeing someone else (I am but its not any of his business) and since I won't tell him who it is (again none of his business) he assumes its someone he knows and therefore needs to prove to me that he's better, more powerful, whatever than them. Wolf and Wendigo had a good laugh at this, but we've also stopped letting him drink at our house because he thinks that since I'm poly I won't mind if he sticks his hand in places it doesn't belong and that Wolf will be okay with it.

eeewww

That reminds me of how the older generation... (even older than me)... always assumed that a divorced woman was an easy conquest and desperately in need of their services. LOL
 
It's really starting to get annoying because he is friends with Wendigo and we all game together. We literally have to kick him out after game to have any time together; while I don't want to invite him into our private relationship, there are times when I just wish that I could tell him to go the eff home so I can have sex with my boyfriend. But I feel that would just cause unnecessary drama.
 
Well I can't really speak about being approached by women and having to tell them I'm married and poly, mainly because I've never been approached...that's a bit of a lament....but having had experience letting women who might have been interested know about poly I can say that none of them really liked the idea of not confirming with TP first and before that ever came up most rejected the idea of a relationship outright.
 
Sadly, the gay male community often seems confused that we don't cheat.
We'll often get some dude leering at us creepily and say "So you're a threesome eh? That's hot...ever wanna foursome??"
Ugh.
M will usually wave his ringfinger (we have 3 matching rings) and say "I don't see one of these on you dude. So, NO." :D
 
It's really starting to get annoying because he is friends with Wendigo and we all game together. We literally have to kick him out after game to have any time together; while I don't want to invite him into our private relationship, there are times when I just wish that I could tell him to go the eff home so I can have sex with my boyfriend. But I feel that would just cause unnecessary drama.

Tell him in a very serious manner that he is not going to get laid here ever...so if that is why he is hanging around he should go home. :p
 
How have people dealt with issues of cheating/betrayal?

Hi folks,

I'm new to this forum, posted an introduction in that area.

I found the forum looking around for advice on how to do deal with issues of recurring cheating in LT poly relationships.

I have an almost 20-year relationship that continues to be incredible, wonderful, fulfilling in many ways. Yet, my partner cannot stop breaking our agreements/boundaries. What we have is fairly minimal -- you must communicate BEFORE you do anything sexual with another person. Since we opened ourselves up to our circle of mutual friends, this has been an important agreement. He cannot seem to abide by this and every so often (every 8 mos? year?) cheats. He tells me after (he's moved on from an episode of lying), but it's still cheating. We've both broken our boundaries in the past and I've changed my behavior -- he seems to, but then it happens again. My sense is that he has some underlying issues that are motivating this, but he can't/won't deal with them. I believe people have the potential to change, but I'm tired of being hurt. The hard thing is I know he loves me and there are many positives about our relationship.

I am, however, at the point of ending it. I can't see a way out. That's why I wanted to ask others, if you've been in similar scenarios, what have you done? What has worked/helped you out? Any advice potential paths for going forward?
 
I've been in this situation. And when it did turn around it was not because of anything I did, it was because HE sat down with himself and realized what he was doing and decided to change it.

I agree there most likely is something deep down that is going on with him, but he's the only one who can figure that out and he may or may not.

the only thing you can control is you.

I had reached the point where my trust was gone and I was okay with separating. I figured we'd still be in touch, and in each other's lives. It didn't come to that, but it came very close. I can tell you that if things hadn't changed i would have left and been okay with it at that point. My peace of mind was more important to me than dealing with the secrecy and lies.
 
I had reached the point where my trust was gone and I was okay with separating. I figured we'd still be in touch, and in each other's lives. It didn't come to that, but it came very close. I can tell you that if things hadn't changed i would have left and been okay with it at that point. My peace of mind was more important to me than dealing with the secrecy and lies.

Minxxa, thanks for your thoughtful response. Part of what is going on is that I feel so alone in this. As all of you here know, often talking to non-poly people results in "well, what did you expect with your type of relationship."

Perhaps one issue, aside from him needing to figure out what's going on with him, is that I've been afraid to confront the fact that this time I am actually okay with separating because my trust is also gone. My fear of loss at what we have that's good is at war with my responsibility to care for myself.
 
Minxxa, thanks for your thoughtful response. Part of what is going on is that I feel so alone in this. As all of you here know, often talking to non-poly people results in "well, what did you expect with your type of relationship."

Perhaps one issue, aside from him needing to figure out what's going on with him, is that I've been afraid to confront the fact that this time I am actually okay with separating because my trust is also gone. My fear of loss at what we have that's good is at war with my responsibility to care for myself.

I'm lucky enough to have a really good friend who isn't judgy about the nonmonogamy thing. :) But I do completely get the fear of loss part. And even though we're together I'm really having to work on finding myself again and learning how to make myself happy.

Have you sat down with him and discussed your feelings? My thought is that you need him to hear that you have lost trust and faith in him. And that is causing you to contemplate leaving. It doesn't have to be dramatic, and it's not an ultimatum. It's just a statement of fact and he needs to hear it now, before you get so fed up you're gone and there's no room to work on things. Maybe he needs to have time alone to figure out what he really wants and what's going on with him. Or maybe he won't. And maybe with time alone to work on yourself without worrying about what he's doing, you'll end up finding some peace.

I know from experience that keeping it inside just doesn't work.
 
Have you sat down with him and discussed your feelings?

Yep, too many times. I haven't seen him since it happened, but will tonight. That's why I came here wondering how others have handled these things. He has made some changes -- he's now honest right after he breaks our boundaries. So, the lying is gone. But, stopping the cheating hasn't. For him, it's still an aspiration, but for me, it's basic. Another unfortunate piece is that his behavior is ripping open old wounds for me from childhood. I know they are separate issues intellectually, but I experience them together physically/emotionally, at least at first. It makes me paralyzed for days.

BTW, I've been reading a lot of the postings here that deal with this issue (and in general, this forum is great). There's not many threads with concrete advice, but maybe that's just how it is. I just don't know what to do. Is it reasonable to ask someone to get counseling? Should we take some time apart? My BF knows and is pressing for forgiveness, but he's an easy soul that way and he doesn't have to deal with the cheating first hand. *sigh* Maybe these posts sound fairly rational, but I feel sick to my stomach atm.
 
Last edited:
Sometimes you can over-think these things. Is there a commonality to his breaking of boundaries? If you look at the situations surrounding them can you tighten up the boundary before it gets wobbly and is broken? My partner is hopeless at maintaining boundaries when sleepy so we tightened up the boundary so that he doesn't have sleepovers except with his secondary who is celibate anyway.

I don't think we are generally at war with our sense of loss and our ability to care for ourselves, even though it can seem that way. If our sense of loss is too profound then it is a sign that in really caring for ourself we are not ready for such a loss.
 
That to me is the hardest issue with trust violations. After the first few i always experienced each one anew every time it happened. Im still working on lettng go of the past shit even though were not in that place anymore. I dont think i could have done it while my trust was still being abused.

Counselijg might not be a bad idea for gettng help with trust issues. Obviously you need to make sure the counselor is poly friendly. Im a bookish type so i tend to go for books on trust. I got a really good one that talks about the connection between our childhoods and how we deal with trust. If certain needs didnt get met as a child were more fragile around it as an adult. When i get home ill find you the name.

If he truly cant keep your boundaries than you have to decide what you are willing and able to live with. Hubs and i separated once years ago because i told him i just couldnt stand the lying. He thought it was an ultimatum but it wasnt. It was my boundary of what i wouldnt tolerate. We still saw each otheer but on a more casual basis and that space and casualness was good for me because i didnt have the same expectations of him. He ended up figuring out he was being stupid (his words not mine) and we got back together. Sometimes space is whats needed in order to see the big picture and be able to make a better decision.
 
Back
Top