Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

So plodding through work, LOL. Hubs is at the tattoo place getting his new one finished up, the GF drove him (he doesn't have a car). I think she's staying overnight, but maybe not. They both have to work early in the a.m. so I'm not sure. I decided it doesn't matter, so i'm not going to worry about it. :)

I also was thinking this weekend when hubs was out with her, that I think I'm over the "asking if it's okay" thing with them doing stuff. I didn't initiate it, hubs did, I think to make sure we do things the right way this time, in the way it hasn't been done in the past. If he was here, yeah, checking on a date/time would be needed because we'd have our own plans/parenting issues/all that stuff. But with him there and me here, it's not needed, and I don't think I "need" it in the psychological/emotional sense. In fact, it feels wierd to me-- like he needs permission from me.

Since he's finally kind of working on having only one other relationship besides ours and working on BOTH of them, LOL, it's not like he's introducing a new person or situation anymore. So I really think that he should just be able to set up times to be with her and then just let me know (I do think I still need that for now). I'm gonna wait a couple of days and see how it sits, but that's the way my brain is heading. I just want to be sure about it before I talk to him.

On other news, I got a message on OKC from a guy that seems interesting. We may meet up in the next week or two, we'll see.

The last guy didn't end up working out... basically he started to text a bit too often for my taste (I'd like to see if we are compatible first), and sent me some pics of him which looked COMPLETELY different than the one semi-blocked out pic he had on the site. I've realized I really do have to see a few pictures of someone to see if I get a feeling. I don't have a lot of "requirements" in the looks department, and I have a very wide range of what I consider attractive, but I do have to get some sort of "I'm attracted to this person" vibe. So no more guys with no pictures. LOL.

Oh, and as extra added fun my phone froze up and I had to reboot it and I lost all my contacts/pictures/etc. Most of the pictures I have saved, so I'm okay, but not my contacts. Note to self-- back up your darn phone!! Anyway, so I'm trying to piece together all of my friends numbers. I'm sure there are a few I wn't have until they call me, and some I may never have because it's been so long since I've talked to them. I guess maybe it's time to move on in some ways! :)
 
...and sent me some pics of him which looked COMPLETELY different than the one semi-blocked out pic he had on the site. I've realized I really do have to see a few pictures of someone to see if I get a feeling.

Me too, and people often look very different IRL to their pics. It's all that darn Photoshopping going on! I, for one, don't photograph well. I have a very expressive face and the whole 'freezed moment of reality' thing that pics do doesn't do it justice.

I guess maybe it's time to move on in some ways! :)

Definitely the universe is trying to tell you something there ;). I've had my phonebook deleted a few times, and it's annoying, but also a good measure of how often you actually communicate with certain people. Those people that really matter tend to call/text pretty fast anyway.
 
Me too, and people often look very different IRL to their pics. It's all that darn Photoshopping going on! I, for one, don't photograph well. I have a very expressive face and the whole 'freezed moment of reality' thing that pics do doesn't do it justice.

I'm the same way. :) I'm much better in three dimensions than two...

So hubs and I had a little bump in the road last night. He was talking about going out with his GF this weekend to do something and I just realized I needed a freaking break. He's only been going out with her for a month and she's only been in the equation for 6 weeks and I realized I've spent half or most of every weekend for the past month working on dealing with my issues and feelings while they were out together. I just need ONE weekend to just BE. Without having to do the emotional/mental work. So I told him that and he was ok with it but disappointed and I just got a little mad. I feel like I'm working my ass off over here so he can have the life he wants and I'm really not getting anything out of it (yet). I know that he loves me more and has those feelings but he's 3,000 miles away so I don't get to actually BENEFIT from any of it and while it's good work and necessary work it's still freaking HARD DAMN WORK. And sometimes it's exhausting. Dealing with my feelings and emotions and making sure I'm not vomiting it all over him is not easy and sometimes I feel like the better I do it the more he thinks it's easy and the more he pushes the boundaries.

In some ways I feel like he's spoiled because I do all of this stuff and he doesn't have to. I know someday he will... and he says he's thought about it and worked through it and thinks it won't be a big deal when it's me going out there. Frankly I think from my personal experience that you end up feeling a lot of shit you don't expect when REALITY happens, not just a projection of what you think it mlight be like. I am experiencing a lot of stuff I never dreamed I would... and my guess is that he will, too, but since he's never had to go through it at all he has this rosy picture of how it will be. Maybe it will really be easier for him... I know that everybody is different and he doesn't see things the same way I do. I just think he's a little naive about it, which worries me because I think he's going to have a harder time with it than he thinks and it's going to catch him off-guard.

Anyway, so he's going to take this weekend off. I feel crappy about the whole thing, though...
 
Blech. I, for one, think having a weekend off when you are not constantly living in your head and worrying about stuff sounds good.

So hubs and the New Girl have a lot of NRE going on?
 
Yes they do. And i am happy for them. It just seems like im not getting anything out of the deal for all the work im putting in. And the one time i ask for a break its like im pooping on the party. I still feel like shit today because i feel like im in this alone. The distance thing really bites.
 
So we got.a chance to text a little today. I think he gets it a little more today. I think trying to do all of this long distance is just hard. I dont get any time with him i dont get the hugs and kisses and sex. No rewards just he promise of them at a future date. Its hard for me because i really need touch and affection to feel loved and doing without that is hard enough but add in someone else getting it while im not and it just bites.

He wants her and i to talk maybe in email about allmof this. I want to but i feel so negative right now and i dont want to vomit that onto her. I just keepnthinking that the man she knows and is in a relationship with is not the man ive known for the past 5 or 6 years. Hes made all of these great changes and i havent really gotten to benefit from it yet. Sort of but not really i really wish we had gotten a chance to get out shit together and spend time together with all of the good changea before i had to jump through these hoops. And since they have such limited time together (only until the end of august when he comes home) i didnt and dont feel i can say no. But i also dont know how to work through these things without getting the touch and tue hugs and the good stuff. :-(
 
Okay, so a little more mental work done today. :)

I realized one thing about myself today and one thing about what's going on with me lately. Hubs and I had discussed that he tends to be self-centered in that he pushes for the most he can get all of the time and he doesn't like to not be able to do what he wants (i.e. having to change what he wants due to me). Not that he won't do it, but he doesn't like it and part of our issue the other night was his reaction to me asking for a weekend off. I told him he doesn't have to act all rosy about it, but I need to be able to ask for what I need and not feel like I'm ruining things. Anyway, in thinking about him being kind of selfish (and knowing I need him to be a LITTLE less selfish and more considerate of my feelings), I realized that I am the exact opposite in a REALLY unhealthy way. As in, I think more about other people's feelings than my own and try to make them happy to the point where I don't take care of myself and sacrifice things I probably shouldn't. This extreme isn't healthy either.

I'm sure I'll discuss it with my therapist but mainly I just realized I need to start doing more self-care, and being firm with my boundaries, asking for the things I need and that's OK to do!! Hubs might push to get things he wants, but I am a big girl and I CAN say no, and that's fine too. These are concepts I need to work on for sure. Because right now I feel like I'm giving everybody what they want and making sure they're happy and in doing so I am not getting what I want/need.

I told hubs we need to meet closer to the middle, he and I.

And the thing I realized about my situation is... my class this month in school is emotionally draining the life out of me. It's a class in Relational Violence, so we're discussing Child abuse, molestation, rape, domestic abuse, elder abuse. Yay! :-( So twice a week it's five hours of horrible material and it's just sapping my emotional/mental strength, leaving me a lot less than my usual amount to deal with our relationship stuff. I know, I should have realized this, but duh! Anyway, I have this weekend to regroup and chill out and not do as much thinking, and the class is over in two weeks.

I like emotional/mental growth, but for goodness sakes it's exhausting and I need a break!!
 
Good for you, for realizing you're giving more than you should for your own well being... sounds like you and hubs should have some nice long talks on the phone this weekend, getting as much long distance quality time as you can, and some good ol' cyber-or-phone-sex to boot. You need some lovin,' some quality time, some flirting and romance and fun too! One of the most important rules for poly couples, imo, is to be attentive to the primary even when in NRE with the OSO! It's a Jedi mind trick to do it sometimes, but definitely beneficial for all concerned.

That course on domestic violence does sound hard to take and upsetting.
 
Good for you, for realizing you're giving more than you should for your own well being... sounds like you and hubs should have some nice long talks on the phone this weekend, getting as much long distance quality time as you can, and some good ol' cyber-or-phone-sex to boot. You need some lovin,' some quality time, some flirting and romance and fun too! One of the most important rules for poly couples, imo, is to be attentive to the primary even when in NRE with the OSO! It's a Jedi mind trick to do it sometimes, but definitely beneficial for all concerned.

That course on domestic violence does sound hard to take and upsetting.

We did get to talk for a long time yesterday which was good. The not good part was by the time we finally got a chance to do that I was deep in the midst of complete emotional shutdown. The numb, don't feel anything feeling from Thursday was back with a vengeance, and I couldn't feel happy or sad or really anything. My best guess is that all of the emotional upheavel in the past few months on top of the emotional stress over the past few years finally reached the point where my little brain decided it couldn't take anymore.

I like to think I'm so strong I will power through anything, and in a way I will-- but this was a big sign to me that I'm taking on too much emotionally and I need to slow that down. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do that, though. I can't not go to school, can't not deal with work and kids and stuff, can't make life stop.

One thing hubs and I talked about last night was that I really need to find what makes ME happy. Not activities or stuff that is enjoyable and distracting, because I have some of those and they're fine, but they don't REALLY make me happy deep down, they just keep me busy. And thinking about it I'm not really sure what would make me happy because I've spent my whole life making other people my priority, or getting my happiness in being with them. It's a hard thing to realize about yourself, that I've on my own just made other people more important than my own desires and happiness. :(

I'm not even sure how to go about figuring out what that is... LOL. What I do know is that I need to get out of my head so much, I need to stop doing so much mental and emotional WORK, and I need to just relax and enjoy... something. LOL

I got to talk to hubs' GF last night as well and it was nice. I do like her a lot. She's a lot like hubs in the way that they're both very "here's who I am, love me or leave me"... totally opposite of me. But it did make me realize I need to work on my own confidence and happiness that isn't attached to ANYONE ELSE. I need to make decisions for myself without taking everyone else into consideration first. I need to say no more often, I need to say yes to myself more often.

I've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else, and while they let me they didn't ask me to do that. I think I thought I had to do that, because why else would anybody love me and stay with me. I don't believe that anymore. But I need to change my life so that it's revolving around myself for a while. Wish there was a manual on how to do that... LOL.
 
Oh, and the other thing I need to figure out for myself is getting my needs met because they're not. I'm too isolated, very lonely, not getting any sex (and sex with myself is fine, but not the same). My getting those needs met is my responsibility, but how to do that with my busy schedule full of responsibilities (because he's gone), is difficult. And he can't meet them because he's gone. And not letting the bitterness of not getting my needs met bleed all over their relationship is important. And sometimes difficult.
 
We did get to talk for a long time yesterday which was good. The not good part was by the time we finally got a chance to do that I was deep in the midst of complete emotional shutdown. The numb, don't feel anything feeling from Thursday was back with a vengeance, and I couldn't feel happy or sad or really anything. My best guess is that all of the emotional upheavel in the past few months on top of the emotional stress over the past few years finally reached the point where my little brain decided it couldn't take anymore.

I like to think I'm so strong I will power through anything, and in a way I will-- but this was a big sign to me that I'm taking on too much emotionally and I need to slow that down. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do that, though. I can't not go to school, can't not deal with work and kids and stuff, can't make life stop.

One thing hubs and I talked about last night was that I really need to find what makes ME happy. Not activities or stuff that is enjoyable and distracting, because I have some of those and they're fine, but they don't REALLY make me happy deep down, they just keep me busy. And thinking about it I'm not really sure what would make me happy because I've spent my whole life making other people my priority, or getting my happiness in being with them. It's a hard thing to realize about yourself, that I've on my own just made other people more important than my own desires and happiness. :(

I'm not even sure how to go about figuring out what that is... LOL. What I do know is that I need to get out of my head so much, I need to stop doing so much mental and emotional WORK, and I need to just relax and enjoy... something. LOL

I got to talk to hubs' GF last night as well and it was nice. I do like her a lot. She's a lot like hubs in the way that they're both very "here's who I am, love me or leave me"... totally opposite of me. But it did make me realize I need to work on my own confidence and happiness that isn't attached to ANYONE ELSE. I need to make decisions for myself without taking everyone else into consideration first. I need to say no more often, I need to say yes to myself more often.

I've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else, and while they let me they didn't ask me to do that. I think I thought I had to do that, because why else would anybody love me and stay with me. I don't believe that anymore. But I need to change my life so that it's revolving around myself for a while. Wish there was a manual on how to do that... LOL.

I can totally relate to this. I grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household where I was conditioned to keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy, especially my step dad, so we would be safe. That carried on for years after I was married, inspite of the fact that I have a strong personality. I have done a lot of self exploration and self growth to discover who I am and what makes me happy and I have to say that it is work, but it can also be fun work. I was lucky enough to have Runic Wolf by my side supporting me though it. Ultimately, I am a caregiver, but I have learned my limits. Wendigo calls me our morale officer; but he also encourages me to turn to them when I am feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. And I've asked them to be my checks and balances to make sure that I don't bite off more than I can chew anymore.

Good luck with your journey and let me know if I can help in anyway.
 
Oh, and the other thing I need to figure out for myself is getting my needs met because they're not. I'm too isolated, very lonely, not getting any sex (and sex with myself is fine, but not the same). My getting those needs met is my responsibility, but how to do that with my busy schedule full of responsibilities (because he's gone), is difficult. And he can't meet them because he's gone. And not letting the bitterness of not getting my needs met bleed all over their relationship is important. And sometimes difficult.

I missed why he is gone. But you do need to fully state your needs to him. Becareful not to tell him what he needs to change, but do tell him the problem you are having and he needs to help fix it. Sometimes it may be as simple as coordinating your calendars. My husband is known for over booking himself until others start to complain and physically show him that he has too much going on.

I will be watching your journey, becasue my SIL is also the caregiver/peacemaker in her family and she too is struggling to learn how to make herself happy and I would like to help her.
 
It isn't fair, really. He's across the country, all he has to do is work and have fun with his new GF. You're home, maintaining a house, working, going to school and taking care of your(HIS) kids! You probably don't even have time to look on okc for a date, much less actually date.

As for being a people pleaser, my ex (note- "ex") was the same way. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. He'd do too much for others, just so they would love him, and then he'd always resent not getting "enough" (whatever that would be) respect or appreciation for what he did. Now that we've been broken up for 2 years, he is still struggling with this... maybe getting a bit better at it because he was forced to look more at himself since I dumped him.
 
I can totally relate to this. I grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household where I was conditioned to keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy, especially my step dad, so we would be safe. That carried on for years after I was married, inspite of the fact that I have a strong personality. I have done a lot of self exploration and self growth to discover who I am and what makes me happy and I have to say that it is work, but it can also be fun work. I was lucky enough to have Runic Wolf by my side supporting me though it. Ultimately, I am a caregiver, but I have learned my limits. Wendigo calls me our morale officer; but he also encourages me to turn to them when I am feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. And I've asked them to be my checks and balances to make sure that I don't bite off more than I can chew anymore.

Good luck with your journey and let me know if I can help in anyway.

Thanks Brigid! I didn't have to deal with abuse as a child, but my step dad was gone a lot and was neglectful of my mother and me. I'm sure that has something to do with me feeling like I have to be perfect and do everything right and never be needy so that someone will stay with me. And I also know that's not true, and I know that at some point the past needs to be gone and you have to step up to what you ACTUALLY have in reality. LOL.

I missed why he is gone. But you do need to fully state your needs to him. Becareful not to tell him what he needs to change, but do tell him the problem you are having and he needs to help fix it. Sometimes it may be as simple as coordinating your calendars. My husband is known for over booking himself until others start to complain and physically show him that he has too much going on.

I will be watching your journey, becasue my SIL is also the caregiver/peacemaker in her family and she too is struggling to learn how to make herself happy and I would like to help her.

SNeacail-- he's deployed (in the Navy). He just got off of sea duty where he was deployed twice in two years, once to Iraq and once to the Phillippines. He'd transferred to shore duty and was pulled off of that to go to this post in D.C. in January. So he's been gone the majority of the past three years.

So the issue is... coordinating calendars doesn't work because he's 3,000 miles away. We did skype this weekend and we will do that more regularly, but it's a pale substitution for actual conversation and physical touch-- the latter is really what I am sorely lacking and something that is very important to me. That can't be imitated, it is there or it isn't.

And with each deployment it has gotten harder because I feel like I'm slowly withering being the one here, with nobody, taking care of all of the responsibilities. The first deployment was no problem, the second was a little harder, but this one has just worn down my ability to cope. Combine that with me being stressed in school and having extra stresses this past year with my aging mother, and well-- at some point the well runs dry.

I really do think I'm dangerously on the edge of emotional burnout. Not there yet completely, but very close. So that is what I really need to work on because I can't go there.

I do get to go see him in a little over two weeks for about 5 days, so that WILL help a lot. Hopefully enough to get through the 7 weeks after that until he gets home. I think part of the problem too is that he has not been there for me emotionally, physically, mentally for the past 2 years-- and though we're in a much better place and he wants to be that guy-- it's hard to convey from so far away.

It isn't fair, really. He's across the country, all he has to do is work and have fun with his new GF. You're home, maintaining a house, working, going to school and taking care of your(HIS) kids! You probably don't even have time to look on okc for a date, much less actually date.

As for being a people pleaser, my ex (note- "ex") was the same way. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. He'd do too much for others, just so they would love him, and then he'd always resent not getting "enough" (whatever that would be) respect or appreciation for what he did. Now that we've been broken up for 2 years, he is still struggling with this... maybe getting a bit better at it because he was forced to look more at himself since I dumped him.

Yeah, it really isn't fair, but it is reality and not much can change it! While I am kind of an emotional person I am also pretty rational and logical (most of the time!), and so my head is telling me it's just the way it is, let's get practical and make it a little easier if you can and we'll get through it because we always do. My emotional side is burnt out on "powering through" everything. On being strong, holding on and getting through it. Because once I get through it there's just another "it" right around the corner. There is no end to "it". :)

I kind of just realized the extent of my people pleasing this weekend. I know I do it, but I just now really had it hit me what it has done to my personality and how it's not healthy. I see my counselor tomorrow and I have two goals I want to work on... 1) rearranging my life so that it is less stressful, less full of "have to's" and figure out what my passions are so that I can have those, too, and 2) un-intertwining myself from my husband (as it's been way too much and too unhealthy) and re-learning how to be a partner. How to love him, respect him, be able to work together with him on our lives, but not be so overinvested in everything he does and focused on him instead of my own damn life.

These are the two things I have done to myself... and I'm the only one that can fix them. I just need a little help on how to go about doing that.

I am on OKCupid... and did talk to someone through message that I may meet up with in the next week or so-- if they call (or I will this week). People are just so flaky I don't count on it, but it would be nice. I do think if I can get out more that will help with the lonliness and lack of physical touch part.
 
he's deployed (in the Navy). He just got off of sea duty where he was deployed twice in two years, once to Iraq and once to the Phillippines. He'd transferred to shore duty and was pulled off of that to go to this post in D.C. in January. So he's been gone the majority of the past three years.

So the issue is... coordinating calendars doesn't work because he's 3,000 miles away. We did skype this weekend and we will do that more regularly, but it's a pale substitution for actual conversation and physical touch-- the latter is really what I am sorely lacking and something that is very important to me. That can't be imitated, it is there or it isn't.

That's hard and yeah coordinating calendars wouldn't work, except maybe to make sure you guys at least get more "face time". My dad was military and gone alot when we were babies, but not so much as I got older. I still say keep him informed of your struggles, don't hide it as a way to "make everyone happy". I have seen people make decissions based on their belief that everything is "OK" only to realize too late that it really was only a hair away from total collapse.
 
That's hard and yeah coordinating calendars wouldn't work, except maybe to make sure you guys at least get more "face time". My dad was military and gone alot when we were babies, but not so much as I got older. I still say keep him informed of your struggles, don't hide it as a way to "make everyone happy". I have seen people make decissions based on their belief that everything is "OK" only to realize too late that it really was only a hair away from total collapse.

Yeah, I don't want to do that either. It's basically the way I HAVE been handling things, which is because I feel it "shouldn't" bother me, I just keep it quiet that it does hoping it will pass and it then grows and becomes a bigger monster.

I'm searching for the between-ground between being able to express what I need and not being super demanding. My heart wants to be super demanding because I really need a LOT right now, and a lot of it I can't have. I need him home with me right now-- and that ain't gonna happen. So I can't keep whining about it, but I still need to deal with it. How to do that without either just "pushing through" or losing my mind is what I'm working on.

More face time is really nice, but it's just not enough right now. But it's all I have and can have. LOL... a dilemma! The problem is we've been emotionally and somewhat physically distant for years. So it's not like he's been gone a few months, no problem. He's mostly been gone for years...

So I'm doing a lot of reading right now on letting go of the past. That's really the first thing I need to do. I need to finally box up all of the bad past between us so that I can not keep flashing back to it. I need to see him 'as he is now', and not mix that up with the person he's been for so long.

Again, much easier if he was actually HERE. Much easier if he wasn't in a new relationship, which just adds to what I need to adapt to and deal with. Much easier if all of this seemed actually REAL. It doesn't much of the time. It's all phone calls, texts, skype... computer stuff. It doesn't actually feel like real life yet. It's like it's all in my imagination right now. And the only solution I see to this is to try to focus on me until I can get to some reality.
 
Runic Wolf is an army veteran. The first 2 years of our relationship we only saw each other for 2 weeks every 11 months. It got better when I was able to move out to where he was stationed, but even then he ended up being gone for a week my first week there. I think that the military life just fueled my desire for everything to be perfect when he was home; he didn't expect it, but I put alot of pressure on myself to give him everything he wanted/ needed. I didn't realize how much I was neglecting myself until he was medically discharged and home all the time. This week is the first week in 8 years that he's going to be gone all week since his discharge.... I'm meeting him on Wednesday, but not having him here is sooo hard. And he took Wendigo with him, so it's just me and our son.
 
The problem is we've been emotionally and somewhat physically distant for years. So it's not like he's been gone a few months, no problem. He's mostly been gone for years...
... And the only solution I see to this is to try to focus on me until I can get to some reality.

Seeing each other for a few weeks a year! That just sounds like no way to have a healthy relationship. Good luck with the OKC guy!
 
Mag we do physically see each other more than that. We just haven't been "good" in years. All of the work we've done between he and I that has gotten us into such a better place has happened in the past 3 months while he's been gone. Before that there was a total emotional distance, as in we'd both be home but be in separate rooms doing separate things. :-/ It really sucked and for a while I felt like our partnership was over and we'd move on to separate places and maybe still date and be in each other's lives but in a different way.

While he's been gone on this deployment, he came to a lot of his own realizations about what has been going on between us, what he's been doing and what he wants. It has actually been an amazing thing to watch, and totally unexpected for me. So that part has been lovely, and it's been hard because we've finally grown closer, I feel safer to be myself, and we are making great strides in all the work we didn't do all of these years-- and I am so far away it doesn't feel "real" to me. It feels like a promise of something I get to have in the future, but don't right now and I've been craving it for years so it's so hard to wait. Now that i say that I feel childish, LOL. It's like waiting for Christmas when you haven't had one in a couple of years. I seem to have no patience for waiting.

I'm also having my own little issues with myself. yesterday I was at work and I was getting my stuff done, and doing a little googling on "finding your happiness" and "trying to be independent within a couple relationship"-- because I feel like these are the two issues I need to work on for myself. I have way too much of myself and my happiness wound up in my husband. Now, I love him dearly, and don't want that to change, but I have to have my OWN happiness. I have to have my own life that he is a part of, not have him be my life. And I hadn't realized until very recently that I've been spending ALL of my time and energy and mental capacity either worrying about stuff or trying to fix stuff. I actually don't know what to THINK about if I'm not focused on that. And I don't want to focus on that stuff anymore. I want my brain to stop sometimes, and sometimes I want to think about something besides my relationships (kids included).

What does that leave? LOL. i'm joking, but not. I really found myself at a loss yesterday as to what to start focusing my thoughts on... kind of disturbing.

Anyway, so the good news is hubs is flying in for the weekend. Just a couple of days, but I can't wait to just feel his arms around me. Just for a little bit...
 
So saw the counselor today and in a much better place. I think I am just dealing with a lot of emotions coming out that hadn't been dealt with for the past couple of years. Best idea is just to let them come, feel them, take care of myself and let them pass. Fighting it seems to make it worse and harder.

I'm also making some changes in my life so that I have more things just for me, restarting some projects that I haven't had time for, and doing less of the "have-tos" in my life.

I also have gotten a good friend of mine to be my venting partner, so when I'm going through these feelings I can talk to her and she can help me get it out and in this way I can spare my hubs from the debris. :)

Now that I have a plan I feel better. LOL... the lack of control of feeling so crappy is so hard for me.
 
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