Redpepper's journey

I had the most awesome week of dates and lovin.' :) Made me very happy and feel complete and in my groove again. The date I had on Thursday went swimmingly. I thought the guy was amazing and we were so compatible. He and I talked for hours over a plate of nachos that we barely touched. He is so on the same wavelength to me about communication, dating outside of his marriage, finding like-minded people and creating family. He was very interested in my burlesque and listened while I told him about all the ins and outs. He had wanted to come to my show last week but thought it might be rude to show up without my knowing and premature to ask without having met first.

He was fit/active, warm, friendly, positive, spoke lovingly about everyone in his life, was dressed nicely, smelled good, showed emotion and vulnerability, yet was confident and secure in himself and had a balanced life in all areas. I can see that he has potential to be someone in my life. I found him very attractive on so many levels.

The trouble is the time thing, ya know? It sucks.

We planned to meet again in two weeks, but he already wants to meet this week for lunch. I would meet him as much as possible if I could, but time does not allow. I am spending time with my new friend too, and of course, my loves. There is just not enough me to go around. :( There is enough love, but not time.

This past weekend I had a singing gig and my new friend went along to see me. My parents went also. There was an awkward moment of who would drive me home. My mum decided that he should, eventually, but was concerned that I might not be okay. She doesn't know him well. I was more than okay.

I was taken out for drinks and we had a long chat about where things are going. I am very fond of this man and could easily see myself involved with him more. I just don't think it will go that way. I see him involved with someone that can spend more time with him and be there for him. I will be very protective when someone comes along though. I don't deny that. I don't see that happening soon, as things with his ex are still being processed and he needs a good long time to heal and re-focus his life on being his own primary. Who knows? Maybe then things will be more clear. But for now we show each other affection and keep having moments of time together that make us connected and glad to be in each other's lives

Mono seems to be filled with compersion. I don't get it. I look at him sideways and wait for the other shoe to drop. Somehow his view on things has totally changed since Leo and I broke up. He won't tell me why yet, but I am just enjoying his comfort.

My ex-wife came over today. I haven't seen her since I went to Vegas with her. She is a breath of fresh air. She gave me a long massage for my achy back after the show last weekend, where I got thrown around lots in a Mexican wrestling number, and after my parents' treacherous move of agony from their house to a condo.

Then we gardened. LB helped us buy the plants and put them in pots. We planned the veggies, but didn't get them in the ground. While we planted, the men, including my new friend, painted the deck. It felt good to be together doing things. After that, we washed up and went to dinner with LovingRadiance! So much fun. She's a really great lady and I liked her company immensely. She is leaving tomorrow already, unfortunately.

After this next weekend, I'll have a show in a neighboring city, and a birthday weekend at my parents' island place. Then I am filling the calendar with dates and time to costume for a couple of months. And some me-time! Trying to get the camper van on the road so I can leave to have me-time. Maybe spend some me-time at my parents' island place too. I will try to book some time to do these things alone, but the chances are someone will come along.
 
Mono seems to be filled with compersion. I don't get it. I look at him sideways and wait for the other shoe to drop. Some how his view on things has totally changed since Leo and I broke up. He won't tell me why yet, but I am just enjoying his comfort.
Omigosh! Could he... you don't think... maybe he's... becoming poly??!!??!! :eek::p


j/k
 
Omigosh! Could he... you don't think... maybe he's... becoming poly??!!??!! :eek::p


j/k
He definitely is getting that he can have an emotional connection to other women, besides me, and other people in general. He has been spending time with his ex-wife and a friend at work and cares about both of them, even loves them. Beyond that, I don't think he's given up his mono status, just his description of what it means to be mono to him, what it means to be in a relationship.

Relationships can be committed on different levels. He gets that more now. Things aren't as black and white as he thought they were, or should be. Love is expansive if it's allowed to grow. Once he allowed that in his life, it grew. I think we are over the healing process he needed to go through and into a new and improved relationship of deep commitment to what we have. Commitment to our relationship. Now there is room to spread out with confidence and security in that commitment. It's a good day. :)
 
Relationships can be committed on different levels and he gets that more now. Things aren't as black and white as he thought they are or should be. Love is expansive if its allowed to grow. Once he allowed that in his life, it grew. I think we are over the healing process he needed to go through and into a new and improved relationship of deep commitment to what we have. Commitment to our relationship. Now there is room to spread out with confidence and security in that commitment. Its a good day. :)

It's weird to go through this, kinda amazing at the same time.
 
I made sure that everyone I am seeing right now has seen this blog. It's mandatory for me, from now on, that they get regularly updated to what I say here, so there will be no chance that they don't know what I say and don't get three year's worth of select blogging at once. So far, that has gone over well. No one has understood why I am insisting, really, but it was a fearful few hours waiting for the incoming thoughts of what I have been saying. I pushed through it, as I don't want to end up losing a relationship again, as I did with Leo, because of this blog.

My new friend's ex has spent six weeks now in denial that it's over and has been constantly texting, messaging and phoning him and various other people in his life, including me. Last night she removed all of us from FB. I am hoping that is the end of it. It would've been fine if she had taken the break-up seriously and taken the time to heal and moved on. But it got to a point of her thinking she had to sever ties completely and then sabotaging her relationships with everyone to make that break. Too bad she didn't have the patience to just let everyone heal. Mostly herself.

I was hopeful for a bit, and even grieving, but there has been too much said and there has been some clarity that is just too heavy to carry. I put down the load and said my good-byes.
 
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The sun is setting on a warm spring day. I am sitting listening to my dad play his cello on the deck of the house that my mum and dad built after we turned over the property to them, via a lawyer, three years ago, after they accused Mono of abusing our child. (They wanted complete separation between us all back then.) I thought we would never be here again, but here I sit listening to my brother and his girlfriend talk, my mum and Mono talking, my son and husband chatting and my ex-wife tapping away on her key board. Seriously never thought... so fucking happy I could cry. All the hard work brought me and them here. And now, in this moment, nothing else matters in my world.

My only wish was that there were a few more people added. They know who they are. :)
 
The sun is setting on a warm spring day. I am sitting listening to my Dad play his cello on the deck of the house that my Mum and Dad built after we turned over the property to them, via a lawyer, three years ago after they accused Mono of abusing our child (they wanted complete separation between us all back then). Back then I thought we would never be here again and here I sit listening to my brother and his girlfriend talk, my mum and Mono talking, my son and husband chatting and my ex wife tapping away on her key board. Seriously never thought... so fucking happy I could cry. All the hard work brought me and them here. Nothing else. And now, in this moment, nothing else matters in my world.

That got me all misty eyed. It sounds really nice, and I'm glad you could get to this point with all the members of your "family".
 
I am was missing Leo this week. There, I admit it. :( Why? Well, it's the first camp of the year, in my body and mind, and we didn't do it together this year. I don't miss sleeping on the ground and freezing my ass off, but I miss what we had and what we could've continued, if it weren't for some stupid misunderstanding and him losing interest in me. I would likely not have arranged a holiday weekend with him again, but it would have been nice to of at least said, Hey, yeah, this is kind of different than last year.

I realized tonight that I completely overwhelm my family. I tried to lead the conversation to other love interests, burlesque, etc., but I am overwhelming enough as it is. They aren't interested, don't care. I forget this from time to time. I am glad to remember.

My ex-wife and I went to visit an old friend today, who is likely going to commit suicide in the next year. She attempted before and at 90, I think she has every right to end her life. She is ready. She was ready two years ago, the last time she attempted and now she is ready again. It was really hard for me, for some reason, as it gave me perspective into my own life about my own parents and their recent move. Their possible decline and my role in it. I don't want to stop them from doing what they want in life, but where do you draw the line? She trusted us to not say a word and we took that trust. But if she ends her life, then what?

I realized that if my ex-wife were not there I could not have visited our friend at all. It's hard to see her. What was hard was that my ex told me that she would not come back for the funeral. She lives far away now and I totally understand why she wouldn't. I would likely find it difficult to make it back myself. I will have to go to the funeral alone. I wept on the way home. I don't want to do this stuff alone.

I have set up some times for myself to come up here to the island to relax and possibly bring others. My brother comes up here often. I figured I should start making it a priority. I booked one day a month into September. I hope it doesn't conflict with burlesque too much. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

My new friend has read this whole blog now. I wonder what he thinks. No doubt he will tell me in time. I miss him and Derby and my other new friend that I just started seeing. I am looking forward to going home.

My dating friend (I really need new names for them!), I have a date with him this week. I took him to one of my favorite restaurants in town last week, for a lunch buffet. It sucked. It was not a good rendition of the food there. Oh well.

We have a date coming up again on Thursday. I don't know what we will do, but I look forward to some closeness and discussion about what on earth we are doing.

I worry about my new friend, as we have not had a date yet, officially, and there is something there also. We are waiting, or I am waiting, for him to get through his break-up. All this waiting and pacing. I love/hate it.
 
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I am loving this break from so much responsibility. I have a few things on the horizon, but mostly just relaxing, catching up with people and taking a breath. Planning on keeping this pace for awhile.

With the free time, I am beginning to do what I normally do, and that is to start getting sad about stuff I have no control over. Shoulda, coulda, what if. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't know what else to do but walk through the feelings. I know that it's partly due to sheer exhaustion and the fact that I have neglected my primary partner-- myself.

I have been listening to some new music, singing along. It makes me happy. The songs are sad and melancholy, though. I think I need to find something more uplifting. I was given the link to some new ones, well, forgotten ones, this weekend and I am poring over them now too. Having loves in my life always seems to bring me good music!

I have dates this week with people I love, whose existence in the world fills my heart with joy!

I'll have a date with Mono tonight. It's making me giddy to think of cuddling up to him in bed, only to end up sticky and sweaty later. Listening to him sing his silly little mad- up songs as we drive in his new truck to see a movie, listening to him talk about his websites and plans for retirement, arguing about something mundane, just because...

I look forward to going shopping with my new friend to help him find some new clothes. Watching his shy confidence will be entertaining and endearing. Going shopping with someone is a big deal. I get to really look at him as he tries things on. No trouble in that, really. ;) I wonder if he is nervous. No doubt he will tell me after he reads this, as he has been following along here diligently and comments in private often. I enjoy our time together and the more we spend time together, the more we seem to bond.

I look forward to a walk on the ocean later this week and some homemade pizza with my dating friend. He is a romantic at heart and sends me lots of lovely words every day that indicate his dedication to seeing what is in store for us. He has stopped looking on the dating sites he was on, as I seem to be his focus at the moment. I enjoy our similarities and find that I trust him because of it. He thinks like me, is as passionate about everything as I am and his dedication and commitment to others and the process that he feels will create the best-case scenario is similar to mine. I love that he puts a lot of thought into his relationships and does not do things half-ass. Because I am like that too, I find myself feeling very secure and relaxed.

Even later this week, I am meeting with my darling husband to do a little bookstore window shopping, before collecting our boy and having Indian food together. This date is tailored towards him and I was glad to make it so. He has a hard day to go through this upcoming weekend, as he visits his dad to sort out his dad's will. I wanted to make sure he had something other than that to look forward to. I want him to fall asleep in my arms happy on Friday night so that Saturday morning I can send him off feeling like he had fun.

Next week I see Derby. Whew! Long time to wait, but I think we will be able to fit in a coffee date this week. She and I have a lot of catching up to do with our lives-- stories about the wedding she was in this past week, what is going on with various people we commonly know and have different relationships with, hugs and little kisses. I love wrapping my arms around her and breathing her in. Her sweet feminine smell and nature thrill me. They make me want to devour her. I love riding on that feeling after she leaves, all warm and cozy and personal to just us.
 
I am missing Mono tonight. I think that he has been devoured by his computer and the numerous projects he involves himself in, so as to somehow see his way to finishing his job in December. His presence would not go amiss right now. Thankfully, I am getting a lot of attention elsewhere, but it's not making up for the fact that I feel a bit neglected by him. Odd that he is the mono one of the bunch, yet I feel neglected by him! :rolleyes: You'd think it would be another.

I wonder sometimes if my loves feel neglected. They never say they do, but I wonder if they do. I see it in their eyes sometimes. I realize that I can only do so much, but I can't help thinking-- if only I were able to be there more, not have to work, had more energy, could be everything they want me to be. It causes me some guilt at times, but really, I can do nothing but trust that if what we have is not working, they will say so and go about finding what they need. The way I look at it is that I would rather spend really good quality time with them, than lots of semi-good quality time with them. To me, that is more than I could hope for, if we have a good time, get a chat in and leave feeling like we both are nurtured in some way by each other's love.

PN said tonight something about loving presence being enough sometimes. We had a date like that tonight. I think that can be true, but I don't know if it is enough. I am struggling to trust that right now.
 
For someone so surrounded, I feel so alone sometimes. My friend and I thought that this might be a middle-age thing. It used to be easy to just talk to anyone and let it all out, but I find that harder and harder to do. There doesn't seem to be anyone that understands entirely, or is willing to be there entirely. I seem to have half-relationships all over the place, because people don't talk to me, don't express their inner selves. As a result, I find it hard to let myself bond and continue attachments myself. It's a chicken and egg thing.

Last week was glorious. This one, not so much. I'm bored out of my mind at work, so I chat all day to various people and wait out whatever it is I am waiting out. I think it's been the comfort and security of knowing that my relationships with Mono, PN and Derby are okay before launching into exploring new ones. There seems to be this veil of "Something is not right in my world." I have been holding back, feeling alone and not moving in closer to anyone. It feels contrived when I try to do so.

Yesterday it was revealed that there is stuff going on. Interestingly, it's come about because of the cycle of which I spoke in the first paragraph. Lack of open honest communication has lead to distancing, which has lead to feeling alone, and then stuff happens and there is a breaking point. Now I feel alone and untrustworthy in the eyes of this person, when they always said they trust me most of all.

I feel the same as I did when Leo broke up with me. Hollow, sick to my stomach, and utterly alone. I tried to reach out again, push for communication of any kind as to what was happening to keep bonds strong. There is nothing I can do when someone decides that they are not willing to be there with me.
 
For someone so surrounded I feel so alone sometimes. My friend and I thought that this might be a middle age thing. It used to be easy to just talk to anyone and let it all out, but I find that harder and harder to do. There doesn't seem to be anyone that understands entirely, or is willing to be there entirely. I seem to have half relationships all over the place because people don't talk to me, don't express their inner selves. As a result I find it hard to let myself bond and continue attachments myself. Its a chicken and the egg thing.

I totally get this! I don't think it's a middle age thing as it's something I've struggled with my whole life. It's just now at middle age :eek:, that I'm starting to change a few things. For a long time, I never thought I would have friends that I could bond with (20+ years). Accepting that certain friends are always going to be a bit on the outskirts, while others I will drop everything for made a big difference for me. There are a few that I will drop everything for out of obligation (because they have done the same for me), but acknowledging that to myself makes it easier and oddly enough, less of an "obligation" and more of gratitude. It is devastating to realize someone your thought you were bonding with doesn't feel the same.

Hugs!
 
Reading in between the lines, RP, I am guessing Mono is withdrawing emotionally while giving you permission to date other men, just as he predicted he would years ago.
 
Reading in between the lines, RP, I am guessing Mono is withdrawing emotionally while giving you permission to date other men, just as he predicted he would years ago.
Worse, he fell in love with someone else when he needed support while Leo was breaking up with me and turned to a friend. He didn't tell me until a few days ago, when I dragged it out of him, after months of disconnect, changes in his behaviour and lack of interest in being in my life.

He didn't tell her until after he told me, but she feels the same way. It's a bond he can't deny. Even if he didn't cheat as badly as he did when he was with his wife (a three-year affair), it was emotional cheating that led him to forget everything he knows about open honest communication, integrity and empathy, everything I value and thought he did too. He chose to shut down rather than talk to me.
 
Worse, he feel in love with someone else when he needed support through Leo breaking up with me and turned to a friend... He choose to shut down rather than talk to me.

It's not too late to keep communicating and see where this development will lead. He may have been distancing himself in order to deal with these feelings for her, but I highly doubt that all that suddenly erased the love he has for you - so maybe he can see how it is possible to love more than one person. Maybe it can still work out. He is still a part of your home and family, I am sure there are still things that need to be said and choices to be made.
 
She is not available for a relationship and is not identifying as poly. She is in a failing marriage and he has been supporting her through that. It's a matter of forgetting the whole thing and just being friends, or me and him ending, and her and her husband ending, so they can be together. Maybe if he had mentioned he had a friend he was really connecting with in mid-February there would have been a chance to develop something. I don't know.

Right now, I am more concerned about what I will do and if I can accept this. He understands what it means to love two people, he says, which is why he can let go of me. But the way he came to it is not ideal and has hurt me deeply. All the things he assured me about how it would be for him have been turned upside down. I have to decide what I think about that, and how I should respond.
 
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