Feeling petty - does anyone understand?

Coraline

New member
I've been bothered my something really silly that happened yesterday, and I feel small and petty about it. I'm hoping to get a grip, but am having trouble doing it on my own.

I very briefly dated a guy who's engaged. Eventually, he and his fiance started couple dating with me and my bf (though the couple dating was basically platonic). I lost interest in the other guy eventually, but my bf started developing a bit of a relationship with the other woman. They chat very often, and have gone on a couple of dates. I think she has really started to get attached to him.

Long story short, her fiance has apparently asked her not to date my bf anymore, but I think she's struggling with this since she's gotten a bit attached to him. Well, that's beside the point. What I'm upset about is this - the four of us met up recently for dinner. My guy was coming from work and meeting us at the restaurant. I got there before him and had a drink with the couple. Then he arrived. It was the other guy who saw him first, and he waved and said, hey, there's J!. Immediately, the other girl gets up all excited and starts walking toward the door, cutting me off as I was getting up to go see him. Eventually, as I continued to try to get to him before her, she got the message and backed off. The whole thing lasted a mere few seconds, so we weren't exactly wrestling on the floor. He and I hadn't seen each other all day, and, like a lot of couples, it's our routine to say hello, get a hug, give a kiss, etc.

Writing this, I see how silly the whole thing was, which just makes me more confused about why I feel so annoyed with her.

Along the same lines, recently my bf and I were shopping for our wedding rings (we're getting married next month) and he was texting the other girl the whole time. I didn't mind so much that he was texting her - it was the idea that maybe she knew he was texting her while shopping for a wedding ring with me. I actually asked him not to tell her we were shopping for rings. I was concerned she might get the wrong idea. Similarly, his phone died yesterday while he was texting me. The girl started texting me later, and I told her, oh, if you were talking to J, I just want to let you know his phone has died. So she wouldn't think he was ignoring her. Then I thought, what if his phone hasn't died and he's still talking to her? She's going to think he likes her more. Which is silly, because he is marrying me and seems to have only a casual interest in her.

Does anyone have any idea what all this is about???
 
Hi Coraline -

Obviously you recognize that this is jealousy, as you said you were feeling petty. I struggle with jealousy myself too. I just hope you receive more input and helpful suggestions. I have found that the most frequent posters here can sometimes be the least understanding and just flat out dismissive. Honestly it has kept me from posting here more often. Good luck to you.
 
hi hun, yes this jealously, but are you happy in your relationship? set times where they don't text and if a secondary partner went to hug and welcome my partner before I got the chance I would feel the same.

hugs

judi xx
 
The part that would have irritated me the most is him texting with her while you were ring shopping. If it was my husband or my boyfriend I would have been angry at them. It's not even about them texting their other partner. It's the fact that he wasn't completely present with me. My husband is addicted to his smart phone. He loves constantly checking Facebook, his email, games he plays with friends, etc. I've talked to him about how constantly being on his phone when he's with me makes me feel like he's not focused on me and doesn't really care about what we're doing. And if we were wedding ring shopping, it would offend me even more. We're doing this thing that is supposed to be all about us and he isn't completely present.

I don't have any advice other than making certain times just about you and him, no phones allowed. I hope it helps though to know that someone else would feel irritated about it too.

Hannah
 
Is this about his relationship with the other person, or his relationship with the phone?

I get annoyed when Spouse is paying more attention to the phone when I need attention, regardless of who or what is on the other end of the phone. I don't have a problem when it's Spouse's other SO, so much as with the phone itself. OSO is a person, and if they need to talk about something, the phone is the obvious way to do that when they can't do it in person. BUt the phone is an object - I'd be just as annoyed about being ignored for Scrabble (or Lexilicious or Words With Friends or whatever they call it this week) if I needed my partner's attention instead. That's just how I am; other people might distinguish differently.
 
I wasn't being dismissive.
I was answeing the direct question.



You're supposed to constantly be second-guessing yourself and censoring who you are in case there's someone out there who has issues with their own self-confidence and lack of ability to say what they are thinking around others.
 
Oh shit! I must have forgotten-again. It wwould be impossible for anyone to actually go read any of the thousands of posts I've written, detailing at great length how to identify and manage jealousy, insecurity and personal boundaries.
My bad. :p
 
I actually asked him not to tell her we were shopping for rings

Is this the right thing though?

Would you have felt better and have been better served if you had stated your need as "Please be PRESENT with me when we are doing marriage related tasks on our date here." That seems to be a possible unarticulated need to me. She could know you are ring shopping or car washing or whatever... but if he is PRESENT with you doing it instead of phone distracted -- Would you feel better?

Could maybe seeing her get all crushy at the restaurant have triggered that same emotional response? Like... "There she goes again leaking over. When is my air time alone with him with him present with me?" even though its a different scenario?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you all so, so much for the thoughtful replies. I have asked myself if I would have been as upset if he had been, say, texting his mom, and the answer is probably not. It's almost entirely about the other girl. He's been ambivalent about getting a ring from the start, so I haven't had hard feelings about his low interest in the ring buying. It was the other girl potentially knowing we were ring shopping that bothered me. All the stories have in common my feeling like I don't want her thinking she's more important than me. I wondered if this was a feeling other people have had. It's that I don't want her thinking she's special to him, to be completely honest. And this is me digging into the darkest, most embarrassing parts of myself to admit this.

I've accepted the fact that I can be crazy jealous, but this is the first time it has ever caused me to dislike the girlfriend. It normally comes out with me being angry with the bf, not with the girl he's interested in. I wasn't sure if anyone else had the other interest as the object of their jealousy.

I also appreciate the support from people who acknowledge there isn't one right way to do this. I've detached almost entirely from my local poly community because I got tired of being lectured about how I'm doing it wrong because I don't cheer every time my bf has sex with someone else. It's taken me years to finally accept that I have jealousy, and I feel like it's been a positive evolution to the place I'm in now, where I can accept the jealousy as a challenge to work on and stop judging myself so harshly.
 
All the stories have in common my feeling like I don't want her thinking she's more important than me. I wondered if this was a feeling other people have had. It's that I don't want her thinking she's special to him, to be completely honest. And this is me digging into the darkest, most embarrassing parts of myself to admit this.

Shining a light in dark corners is part of growth. I have my "oh, so very human" moments that are cringey. :eek:

Is anything here helpful to you? Are you doing all of page 5? Does he do page 6?
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

You really cannot control what she thinks. What's that desire to control her thoughts speaking to?

You worried about being "less than" is a theme -- what does that speak to?

Accept this is personal suckage -- shining a light in dark corners. But we all have those corners. And you own both the light and the dark.

I don't know if this helps... but "Namaste" could mean something like "The Light in me sees the Light in you." A recognition, a salute. A salutation.

I was struggling this summer with shining light in dark corners of my own and DH summed it all up in that way he does. I love him for this.

He listened to my cringey, nodded and told me "Ok. So you are human. Guess what? The Dark in me sees the Dark in you. Namaste. I salute your Darkness in the name of Light."

I stared at him mouth agape and then I started to laugh and I felt uplifted, validated, reassured, loved, and all kinds of others emotions bubbling up.

"Great. We have "Namaste" and "Namaste, dammit!" now." I joked.

I knew I was being only human and that it was ok. I guess what I was struggling with was "I need to be SEEN! See me!" and articulating the need to be validated as such. I am human, I have those human moments. There!

I just didn't know I needed that until I got it from him and I felt better hearing him say it to me.

This weekend we passed a car and he started to laugh and nudged me. "Look inside." And I peeked in the car window and a bumper sticker on the glove compartment read "Namaste, bitches!" and I grinned. I don't know why the car owner liked it, but I know why DH and I were amused!

So in case that is your need right now...

I see you.
I see you.
I see you.

Namaste. Light and Dark, Dark and Light.

The human condition is a trip! :eek:

Shine on.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you, thank you, GalaGirl! I don't even know you, but your post made me feel warm and happy, and honestly calmed some of my feelings about the other girlfriend, who I can see for the first time as another soul looking for the same things I am.

I have printed pages 5 and 6, and plan to go over them with the bf, though, inevitably, these conversations always lead me to feel silly since it always turns out there's nothing for me to worry about.
 
though, inevitably, these conversations always lead me to feel silly since it always turns out there's nothing for me to worry about.

And doesn't that feel GOOD?

The reassure? To get to KNOW it was nothing to worry over all along? And be able to relieve your suffering "worry" things?

Rather than to be suffering "worry" things in silence unknowing and no reassure in sight? "Silly" or not -- I rather go with feeling better.

Glad it helped alleviate some, and I hope your talk with BF adds more reassure so you can breathe even more easily. BREATHE! :)

GL!
GG
 
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I have printed pages 5 and 6, and plan to go over them with the bf, though, inevitably, these conversations always lead me to feel silly since it always turns out there's nothing for me to worry about.

I've certainly been there, and that's true, but...

Don't feel silly because there may actually be something to what you're feeling.

Sometimes there's pressure on us not to validate our feelings because we don't want to be jealous, or seem controlling, etc. We want to seem like totally cool poly people who are fine with everything, and that may be allowing for serious issues to go unchecked. There are also folks who take advantage of that -- they try to make partners feel guilty in order to get what they want rather than negotiate.

I'm not saying that's what's going on in your situation (sounds like it isn't), but I'd say don't push down or ignore your petty/jealous feelings. Those feelings are telling us something -- maybe we have to do more work on ourselves, maybe it means there's a lack of clarity or communication with our partner/s, or maybe it means that there really is something going on that's not okay.

Good luck!
 
So it seems you want to be the most important person to him. You want him to love you more than he loves her, and you want to be more special than she is.

Putting aside the fact that it seems you have no reason to worry... why does it matter to you? Do you fear that you would lose him if you're not the most important one? Or are you worried that you and her will "fight" and he'll pick her side? Or, even if you get along and you know he won't leave you, would that still hurt you not to be #1?

I am not saying you are wrong to feel this way or that I don't understand it. I'm simply thinking that asking yourself these questions might help you understand your own feelings better, and maybe control them a bit better, too, so that they don't bother you as much as they have.
 
Coraline,

I'm going to disagree with some of the advice posted here and suggest that there is a lot more going on here than simple petty jealousy.

Why was your boyfriend ambivalent about ring shopping? Is he just ambivalent about the ring (outdated symbolism, etc), or are you detecting ambivalence about the marriage itself?

Why was he so interested in texting his girlfriend during the ring shopping, instead of being present in that special moment with you?

In the other texting/phone incident: you had fears that his phone hadn't really died and that he kept texting the girlfriend while indicating to you that his phone had died. Are those fears all in your head, or valid in some way?

I think you and your fiance should have some serious discussions about these issues. It might be resolved with better communication; or it might be a sign of some deeper problems.

The way you describe your fiance's relationship with the other girl is somewhat vague. Is she his girlfriend? Do they use the label secondary? Or is their relationship more casual? Are they committed to a future together in some way? How do you feel about their relationship?

As far as the original incident with the girl(friend) running over to greet him in the restaurant: maybe she is just more relaxed about public affection / showing excitement in public. I can see how you are tempted to interpret it as her not respecting your relationship with your fiance, but maybe she's just the kind of person who runs squealing to greet all her friends.

My lover has a female friend like that. They are very physically affectionate in a platonic way; they're not involved sexually and don't want to be (although he is free to date whomever he wants). She always runs squealing to hug him when she sees him. I found witnessing that very awkward at first, since I don't express excitement or affection that way. Now I'm used to it and it's no big deal.

However, Coraline, your post reminded me of times in past relationships where I experienced feelings I dismissed as petty jealousy / my own problem to deal with. In fact, what I was feeling was a tremor of warning at a red flag. I should have been paying attention to the red flags instead of saying, "This is my pettiness to deal with."

Example: My ex and I went on a week-long trip to my childhood vacation home in the mountains, which I had put a lot of effort into planning. Neither of us had ever spent a whole week with any romantic partner before. I had never before brought a boyfriend to this place that was so special to me. My ex spent a lot of the time glued to his phone/device, which irritated me, but I told myself that he needed to be "plugged in" for all his business stuff and that it's so cute that he's such a techie geek that we're surrounded by beautiful mountains but he needs to look at his email.

I should have noticed that he wasn't "present" with me or connecting to me emotionally in any way. That was one of the signs that I misread.

I'm not saying you definitely have red flags here, but it's worth considering.
 
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