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  #1921  
Old 04-25-2015, 11:40 PM
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Well (ironically) the statement I made to Maca last night seems a fitting response in your circumstance.

We were having a similar discussion about kids and such. He was saying that he didn't see how we could both live in this house (2400 square feet and by next summer it will have an additional 400-600 square feet addition) without "making each other miserable" and "making the kids miserable with our fighting".

My response was this:

"The way I see it, we can either be mature adults and choose not to fight about what we have already agreed is over (our relationship); and make a home life for the kids that is stable in the home they have both lived in their entire lives. We can split up our time so that we each have time away from the house to live our own lives (we already agreed no potentials or lovers are allowed on the property) but the kids will maintain their home and always have a parent available.
OR
He can live elsewhere (as he has been doing for over a year and more than half of each year the last 7 years; albeit using work as an excuse)and the kids will have to struggle between two homes (which they both express that they don't want to do) and struggle with the additional frustration of not having the consistency and stability that they need as children and moreso because they are both ADHD.

His response was to avoid the statement altogether and point out that if he took our youngest with him to Kodiak, it would be very difficult for him because he would be all alone trying to care for her and at least here I have support from extended family and friends.
WELL NO SHIT.
This not but minutes after he point blank stated that he does NOT want to remain in Kodiak. Um... so why are you even pointing that out?

The bottom line is-I'm not leaving the kids. He was at least smart enough to not suggest that. But if he did, I would probably just raise an eyebrow silently.
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  #1922  
Old 04-26-2015, 10:18 AM
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Its awful when changes affect the children, and its difficult to get the right balance.
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  #1923  
Old 04-26-2015, 02:14 PM
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Well, RP, I haven't been keeping up with your blog in a while and just now read back a few posts. Hmm, lots of changes going on.

I am surprised by how surprised you seem over Polynerdist's anger and how much he wants to focus on himself now. I guess, though, that you've been caught off-guard like I was when my marriage ended. It was devastating. I couldn't figure out why my ex was so, so angry. It was tough to look at my part in how our relationship had crumbled. And yet, of course it crumbled because of the two of us, it didn't happen all by itself. His anger was his own reaction, but there was indeed something there for him to react to.

It took me a long time to be able to see my husband's perspective on how our marriage deteriorated. I remember, oh I guess it was almost two years ago, something you wrote about PN that stayed in my head. You were talking about moving into Mono's apartment downstairs, I believe, and I had asked you how PN was doing. You responded that neither of you "prioritized each other for dates or socializing" anymore. I remembered it because it seemed so sad to me, to be married and living with one's husband, yet neither of you prioritizing the other.

I'm going to be totally honest here. I can't help but think about how most of your posts, in any of the threads here, have been focused mostly on your relationship with Mono, for as long as I've been coming here. Whenever anyone asked about PN, it seemed like your response was always something like, "Oh, he's okay. He's happy doing his own thing, he can take care of himself." And yet now he really wants to do his own thing without you and you want to make suggestions on how he does that. I can see why he would balk at that and say, "Sorry, too little, too late." I would look at your pictures, and Mono's, and read your threads, and it always seemed like PN was in the background, very much like a secondary who was expected to always just be there, staid and supportive of you in whatever you wanted to do, even when you slept every night with Mono, while you and PN were really just living like friends who had a child together.

Of course, it was his choice, too, to live that way, whether he chose that by putting blinders on to how he was really feeling, simply deferring to you to make you happy, or because he felt powerless in your wake. I don't know, and I am not trying to be mean, but it makes sense that PN feels like it's all been about you for a long time. In your posts, frankly, it always seemed like an afterthought to talk about him, after Mono, after Leo, after Derby, after your ex-wife, after LB, after other things. PN was usually only mentioned if someone asked, but most of the time it was about others in your life. I always pictured him as someone who was just there, suffering in silence because it seemed like he didn't matter all that much in your life, as anything other than someone to lean on.

Now, of course, what we post here is not the whole picture, but that's how it came across to me. I always felt a little sorry for PN. Yes, he could have spoken up and made some changes a long time ago. But I can understand why he feels like he has PTSD now. I can understand why he does not want to do one single thing your way anymore. Perhaps he should have started participating in creating his own life sooner, so that it wouldn't have built up to such a huge thing now, but some people really only take action when they finally feel their back is up against a wall and they've had enough. It sounds like he reached his breaking point and all he felt he could do is get out. My ex did the same thing - it was like an explosion. But it really helped me to deal with it all when I took a hard look at things from his perspective and saw my contribution to it. Hopefully, both you and PN can do that.

I hope this all does not come across as criticism, but helps you find your way through the tough stuff you are going through now. And I hope you two work something out regarding your living situation that isn't too hard on you both, and your son.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-26-2015 at 02:18 PM.
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  #1924  
Old 04-27-2015, 10:04 PM
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Thanks LR,

Your words always seem to resonate with my situation... I am grateful to that. I will look at what you said and see if someone it is worth saying to PN in the way you have said it. Most of what you said I have told him in my way but he can't hear it. He doesn't reach out to people with any other perspective that he should move out.

NYCindie, thanks for your words also. I completely agree with everything you have said as my part in our situation. We both played a parts for our own reasons.

I remember the day I shifted and essentially gave up on our partnership. It was coming up to our anniversary and I asked that he have my wedding ring fixed. Anniversary came and went and he didn't. It was the first time I didn't remind or do it myself. It was symbolic. He dropped the ball, as he always did, and I lost faith in his interest in working it out with me. I decided to go on my own path without him in that moment without really knowing it. It was the first year I had been with Mono.

Part of my looking for another partner back then was in hopes to find someone who paid attention in the way he once did. I see him pay attention to his gf now and am reminded he was capable, just not willing. I handed him the keys, he just didn't open the door. I am still handing him the keys and he isn't taking them. The door is different now.

For two years (since we broke up) I have been working toward and achieving our mutually set goal between all of us that we would be in our house and working toward family harmony for LB. I agreed to work on creating changes in how we relate; changing expectations as parents not partners. He is chosing to end his commitment to this goal. I am not.
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  #1925  
Old 04-28-2015, 04:53 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

NYCindie, thanks for your words also. I completely agree with everything you have said as my part in our situation. We both played a parts for our own reasons.

I remember the day I shifted and essentially gave up on our partnership. It was coming up to our anniversary and I asked that he have my wedding ring fixed. Anniversary came and went and he didn't. It was the first time I didn't remind or do it myself. It was symbolic. ....It was the first year I had been with Mono.

Part of my looking for another partner back then was in hopes to find someone who paid attention in the way he once did. I see him pay attention to his gf now and am reminded he was capable, just not willing. I handed him the keys, he just didn't open the door. I am still handing him the keys and he isn't taking them. The door is different now.

For two years (since we broke up) I have been working toward and achieving our mutually set goal between all of us that we would be in our house and working toward family harmony for LB. I agreed to work on creating changes in how we relate; changing expectations as parents not partners. He is chosing to end his commitment to this goal. I am not.
It seems that much of this is 'agreeing' with NYC in word only, while shifting full blame right back to PN. I can see how he might have felt that a ring didn't mean much while you were seeing another man, and I can easily see how he might wonder how committed you really were to LB and 'family' when, as I recall from previous reading, you were spending nights with someone else on a regular basis, rather than with LB. Who was putting LB to bed those nights, doing his laundry, getting him up in the morning, making sure he had breakfast, and getting him off to school? PN? How did PN feel being a single dad those many nights? How did LB feel about missing out on his mother those nights?

Have you talked to PN about this? Is this maybe how it looks from his perspective?
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  #1926  
Old 04-28-2015, 06:08 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Sorry to hear things are so hard, RP.

For what it's worth, I remember you talking about PN a fair bit earlier on in this blog. You would talk about how much he loved you and how much you valued his love.

Regardless of when and why decisions were made that eroded the connection between you and PN, that has happened. You have decided to move on and be with Mono only. PN has decided to move on and be with his girlfriend and her family.

He is being clear that he no longer wants to share a home with you - even a large one. In his shoes, I'd feel the same way. I have lived for a while with an ex who I was still friendly with. He and I both found it stressful and were both relieved when we were able to move on into our own homes.

I hope that things even out for you soon. You've had so much difficulty to deal with in the last few years.

IP

Last edited by InfinitePossibility; 04-28-2015 at 07:54 AM.
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  #1927  
Old 05-06-2015, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
It seems that much of this is 'agreeing' with NYC in word only, while shifting full blame right back to PN. I can see how he might have felt that a ring didn't mean much while you were seeing another man, and I can easily see how he might wonder how committed you really were to LB and 'family' when, as I recall from previous reading, you were spending nights with someone else on a regular basis, rather than with LB. Who was putting LB to bed those nights, doing his laundry, getting him up in the morning, making sure he had breakfast, and getting him off to school? PN? How did PN feel being a single dad those many nights? How did LB feel about missing out on his mother those nights?

Have you talked to PN about this? Is this maybe how it looks from his perspective?
That was years ago and a snap shot of a moment. Way too much has happened since. We have both had our fair share of sharing the load.

My story of when there was a shift was the beginning of the story. Not the entire story.
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  #1928  
Old 05-06-2015, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Sorry to hear things are so hard, RP.

For what it's worth, I remember you talking about PN a fair bit earlier on in this blog. You would talk about how much he loved you and how much you valued his love.

Regardless of when and why decisions were made that eroded the connection between you and PN, that has happened. You have decided to move on and be with Mono only. PN has decided to move on and be with his girlfriend and her family.

He is being clear that he no longer wants to share a home with you - even a large one. In his shoes, I'd feel the same way. I have lived for a while with an ex who I was still friendly with. He and I both found it stressful and were both relieved when we were able to move on into our own homes.

I hope that things even out for you soon. You've had so much difficulty to deal with in the last few years.

IP
Please remember (and this is is for everyone, not necessarily just for you to hear IP), we had a successful poly family for 6 years. Not to mention 6 years of poly before that. It was not a failed relationship and I in no way believe any of us are without fault or were the images of poly greatness. We all played a part, we all made things magical and we all find ourselves in a position to moving on now. If we had not been poly, it is likely we would not have been as successful in our marriage and our boy would not of had the benefit of so many loving adults around.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-06-2015 at 10:33 PM.
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  #1929  
Old 05-14-2015, 11:52 AM
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Please remember (and this is is for everyone, not necessarily just for you to hear IP), we had a successful poly family for 6 years. Not to mention 6 years of poly before that. It was not a failed relationship and I in no way believe any of us are without fault or were the images of poly greatness. We all played a part, we all made things magical and we all find ourselves in a position to moving on now. If we had not been poly, it is likely we would not have been as successful in our marriage and our boy would not of had the benefit of so many loving adults around.
I just wanted to support you in this statement, RP. It is easy and tempting for others to give advice from the outside, but none of us were there, none of us know what would actually have worked or wouldn't have.
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  #1930  
Old 05-21-2015, 03:33 PM
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Thanks Annabel
...........
I went out with Leo last night. Six years later and his marriage is the only one out of about ten we could name that is still together after poly becoming their lifestyle. We discussed whether or not that means poly was a success or fail. Most are with one person they meet during their marriage and not willing to risk heartbreak again with any one else. Who knows if they are back to mono or not.

So much is broken right now....

I am find in clarity in my disappointment
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